DD25 is dysregulated, losing it; me too.

[Only Human]

Hello Family! I'm so glad I can come here for support and boy do I need it today.

It's a long story that I'll try to make short, here goes. DD was on a good stretch, feeling better and doing things to help herself feel better. She's gotten into semi-precious stones, shopping for them, polishing them, making jewelry. She started journaling again, reading tarot cards, meditating.

About a week ago she started showing signs of depression - tired, sleeping a lot, unmotivated to do anything. She was lashing out at GS4 a lot, telling him that he's bad, she needs him away from her, he makes it so she can't breathe around him, calling him a brat, sending him to bed early, raging, etc.

This morning, I got up with GS and at 6:30, when it was time for me to go to work I popped my head into her bedroom and told her, "GS is having breakfast and I'm headed to work."

I went to say goodbye to GS and he said, "Don't wake mommy up," and I told him I woke her up. He got angry at me and told me, "no! I don't want mommy to wake up! I want to have some alone time, please!"

Me: GS, let's have a little talk about this.

GS: No, I'm scared to have a little talk.

Me: You're scared to have a little talk?

GS: Yes, I don't want to talk!

Me: (not a proud moment here) Well, we can have a little talk or you can take 5 (it's like a time out)

GS walks down the hall as DD is coming out of her room.

GS: Ugh, mommy!

DD: GS, take five for being rude to me!

GS: No, I was going to have a little talk with memaw!

DD: No you weren't, you were going to tell me to go back to bed, you're so rude to me, I'm sick of it! It makes me want to die! I want to die!

GS: Then die!

DD: I'm trying!

She locks GS in his room.

GS: You're a   ! I hate you! You're so mean to me! I'm trying to die too!

DD: Don't you ever say that again, I know I up, I shouldn't have said that, I know *I* am up, I'm losing it! I'm breaking!

Then, to me: I'm losing it mom, I'm falling apart, I'm not able to do this! I need him AWAY from me for a long period of time. Nobody has taken him away from me, I need to be away from him, I can't be around him because I want to spank him, and I know I shouldn't, but I don't know what to do!

Me: You need time away from him, how can I help?

DD: There's nothing you can do to help! My day is just No offense, I don't even feel comfortable leaving him with you. Last time I did that, you called CPS on me, so I'm scared you'll do it again.

Me: You're scared I'll call CPS again.

DD: Yes, I don't get to have a break ever, or you'll call the police. Please don't call the police on me!

Me: I want to help, I'm concerned about how the day is going to go.

DD: Here's how it will go, I'll try to sleep on the couch, GS will make fun of me, throw things at me, get in my face, spit in my face, it's going to be awful, he'll be in take-five most of the day. I can't do this anymore, he's so mean to me.

Me: (again, not proud, but I said it) You're mean to each other, it concerns me.

DD: I wasn't mean to him until he started being mean to me about a week ago. I'm not as mean as you were to me when I was a kid, GS's behavior has been awful for the last week and telling me I'm mean to him is NOT support.

She then went into the garage and I went out back and called out from work.

I sent this text:

I'm worried about how you're feeling and I want to try to help you feel better. I understand how you could be mad at me right now. You don't agree with what I said and feel unsupported by me and don't feel comfortable sharing with me. I get it. You told me you are losing it, breaking down, and need to be away from GS, you're sad, stuck. I'm very concerned about you and GS. I'm going to take a drive and come back in about 30 minutes.

I came back in 30 minutes and this happened.

GS ran out to the car to meet me and DD was in the garage. She's got a table out there with a chair and that's where she goes to smoke or talk on the phone or do her live-streaming stuff.

She got up, said, "I'm going in the house because I'm cold."

GS and I got some things out of the car and then came in. GS asked if I would play with him and I said, "I'm going into my room to do some work, maybe when I take a break I can play with you."

I walked toward my room.

DD: You're going to stay home? THAT'S how you're going to help me? How is that helping? I didn't ask for this, you being here is going to make my day worse, I need you to go to work!

I came back out to the living room.

Me: I'm here so I can hear you better.

DD: (yelling) Why are you staying home? How is that helping? I want you to go to work, that will make things better. You are the reason GS's behavior is bad. He doesn't act bad when you're not here. I don't need to be here with you, you're suffocating me. But, noo, you think being here will help? It's not helping!

Me: I'm concerned, and I'm not sure how I can help so I'm going to go into my room and think.

DD: GOING TO WORK WILL HELP! Why aren't you listening to me? I'm using *I* statements, telling you how I'm feeling, and you're NOT LISTENING! Go to work and think about how you can help, don't do it here, it's going to make things worse!

Me: I'm in no state of mind to be going to work at the moment so I'm going into my room.

DD: Way to spin it so you get what you want!

DD: (she wears headphones or whatever and can talk on the phone with them, apparently she was on the phone with her BF this whole time and said into the phone) Now she's saying she's not in the frame of mind to go to work so she's staying home, I can't breathe!

Then I got these texts, and haven't replied.

1. I don't understand why me saying what I need gets the opposite effect of you're home to help me? Why aren't you helping?

2. How is staying home in your room going to help ANYONE?

3. What would help is a DAY AWAY FROM GS not another day stranded with a chaotic day now GS wants to talk to you.

4. And now I've yelled.

5. If you weren't here that didn't have to happen.

6. I'm sick of trying to be nice with you so here it is mom.

7. Stop making my son bad.

8. Stop babying him.

9. Stop overruling me.

10. Stop disrespecting my parenting in front of him.

11. He's not bad like this when you're not here.

12. I've said that so much and somehow you think STAYING HERE IS THE ANSWER TO MY KIDS BAD BEHAVIOR.

13. WHY DO YOU HEAR WHAT YOU WANT?

14. DO WHAT YOU WANT?

15. Look at this text, predicting you (sends screenshot of her text to her BF at 6:59 AM where she says: Everything is falling apart. My mom is prob going to stay home all day. 'To help me.')

16. 6:59 I knew you would ruin my day.

She called me a few minutes later and asked, "Did you tell GS he could open this thing?"

Me: What thing?

DD: I don't know what it is, looks like a sewing kit.

GS in the background: It's a tool kit.

DD: It's a tool kit.

Me: Yes, I said he can open it.

She hung up and sent this text:

DD: No memaw and GS day

(The routine is I hang with GS on Wednesdays after work and put him to bed)

DD: You don't get to not watch him for weeks on end and take him from me the day you make me uncomfortable.

DD: When you don't listen I take GS away. Learn that.

So that was an hour ago. I'm in my room. I've made some important phone calls and I'm typing here.

I've composed and deleted several responses. Here's the latest, not sent.

I may not always get it right, but I am trying to support you. I'm sure it's not easy for you to be living here, stuck. I love you, I love GS. Yelling at me, sending texts like the ones above, will not change that. I will always love you, I want to help you feel better but you are pushing me away. I understand that you feel angry and...

GS is on a take-five and things have calmed down a bit, I think.

My stomach is in knots. I don't know what to do.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh, OH, That is awful. I am so sorry your DD seems to be taking a step back now, after all the progress she was making. It must be so frustrating for you. I can't even imagine what it is like for your GS. My only advice, as one who is in pretty much the same space right now, is to take good care of yourself while you wait it out. That is my strategy anyway. Did anything happen in particular that may have set DD off? Is there an identifiable trigger? Here's is a hug 

[Only Human]

Thanks, Faith. I don't know what triggered the depression a week ago. I do know what triggered the texts, it's when I said, "You are mean to each other."

She doesn't see that GS is modeling her behavior, cursing, yelling, screaming "you're so rude to me," "you never listen to me," "I am so angry I want to hit you." It's heartbreaking. He's a pretty good kid who sometimes misbehaves. As an outsider, I can see why. He is doing four-year-old things and she's lying on the couch shushing him for most of the day and when he doesn't shush, she angrily puts him in his room for take-5, walks away screaming about how she can't breathe, how he's bad, she can't do this anymore, etc. Thus begins the cycle and the day goes to

When it's me and him, his behavior isn't terrible. It's not always great but I validate him, stay calm, and the results are usually positive. I might have to send him on take-5 a time or two but he comes out after and we have a fresh start.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Both your DD and your GS are lucky to have you.

[Only Human]

Self-care, yes. I've taken a shower and I'm taking care of important business as I'm in the middle of trying to get a cash-out refinance for some much-needed home repairs. I'm acknowledging that I'm stressed out, not my best self, at the moment.

The turmoil surrounding DD and GS sets me off. I feel so bad for him - he's alternately oppositional then overly "good," trying to get back in DD's good graces, parenting her.

I do understand that DD is struggling, and needs my support and not judgment from me. I do see her perspective, given my statement, "You are mean to each other." I do believe she knows she's mean to him and that's why she reacted so dramatically. I can't un-say what I said. I can only move forward from here.

She told her BF, "now that SHE'S home all day I have to fake it so that she doesn't call CPS on me." She's said this a few times in the past few days and it makes me wonder if she's doing things worthy of a CPS call. I check for bruises but emotional abuse leaves no visible evidence to most onlookers. I see the effects daily.

She and GS are in the backyard, things are ok - she's engaging with him pleasantly for the most part. She's being firm, but not degrading him, not raging. GS is responding positively, trying for more engagement. Things could all go south any moment.

Stepping back doesn't seem like an option for me when GS's emotional safety is at stake. I don't see how I could go to work given what she told me this morning. I wonder if I should have gone to work and called for a welfare check - considered doing that but didn't. I simply couldn't walk away and get on with my day.

Yesterday, after I told DD she was doing great remaining calm with GS, she said, "Everyone keeps telling me that. Outside I'm doing great but inside I'm falling apart, I'm emotionally shut down. I know I shouldn't scream at GS, I know I'm scary when I'm screaming. But when I scream, his behavior is better. So how is it better for me to be emotionally shut down?"

I told her, "I hope that someday you can have both. Not be emotionally shut down and still be calm." She said, "Me too," and she thanked me later for talking to her.

I know this is the down part of the roller coaster. I know we will get through this. I know she will open up to me again, that she trusts me, despite saying she doesn't. I can't help thinking the little truth I gave her, despite it triggering her, had to be said. She IS mean to GS, terribly at times. My delivery could use some work.

Self-care. Rambling here, knowing y'all are not judging me, that you get it, knowing I'm doing my very best, that I'm only human and not perfect or expected to be, that you all have "been there, done that." This is helping me.

~ OH

[Lollypop]

OH

My delivery could use some work.

Me too OH. I’ve noticed I’m better with the written word. Face to face, unmanageable risks!  It’s ok when I prepare, or can predict but you know sometimes we get caught off-guard. I did manage to fly out of a room and say “I can’t do this right now”.  This is with a co-worker who is confrontational. Nowhere near your situation but I admit I need to do more work here.

Lick your wounds, tomorrow’s another day,

Hug

LP

[mggt]

My heart goes out to you and family .  Im not sure what to say but god bless you for enduring all of that 

[FaithHopeLove]

I know this is the down part of the roller coaster. I know we will get through this. I know she will open up to me again, that she trusts me, despite saying she doesn't. I can't help thinking the little truth I gave her, despite it triggering her, had to be said. She IS mean to GS, terribly at times. My delivery could use some work.


~ OH

I don't know if your delivery needs work or not, but that message is golden and it sounds like your daughter was able to receive it pretty well. You did really well.

[Harri]

Hi OH.  I just read this and I want to pop in and say I think you did well.  How I wish I could scoop up your GS and give him some big hugs.  So hard for both him and your daughter... and you of course.

 

[wendydarling]

OH ~ gee what a start to the day, I'm sorry OH. You did the right thing to stay home, I couldn't walk away from that either. It's a cry for help. Take heart knowing the upturn is on its way and with it calm and every time there is an upturn learning comes from it, you're both able to strengthen your relationship and understanding.

I too wish I knew what triggered depression, DD too. It's a real humdinger of a show stopper. Does DD ever talk to you about her depression? Is GS at play school at the mo? When does he start full time school?

And then we have our non BPD lives, tell us about the repairs, what's happening?

We've gotcha OH  

WDx

[Only Human]

Thank you all for the replies, I am so grateful to you all and grateful for  bpdfamily for bringing us all together.  

wendydarling, GS is not in preschool - DD took him out last year right before Thanksgiving break. Partly because she planned to move out of state, and partly because he was getting into trouble daily, she was getting calls about his aggression toward the other children, and she blamed preschool for him being "bad." He will be 5 in Sept, but not before the cut off for kindergarten so there are another 18 months before he goes off to school. DD sometimes opens up about stuff that's going on, and it's usually because I've been extra validating that keeps her talking. I struggled this morning, obviously ::

After GS went down for a nap, I went out for a bit and when I got home, DD and GS were gone. DD told me this morning, "If you don't go to work, I'll leave and take GS with me to get away from you." So she did. They've just arrived back home and I'm nervous about going out to greet them/interact. DD's BF (he drives, she doesn't) is also here, briefly I'm sure, for the drop-off.

Face to face, unmanageable risks! 

Spot on, Lollypop, like walking through a minefield sometimes.

Faith and mggt, thank you so much for your support, it means a lot - I know we are all going through our own struggles and reading your posts helps me to feel less alone.

As for the home repairs - I need a new HVAC system before winter and a roof within five years. The financing is not guaranteed and there have been bumps along the way which could totally kill my chances of getting it so I'm stressed about it. I don't have $25k lying around for this stuff. If I do get the loan, I will have to delay my retirement by about five years and that makes me very sad, I had hoped to go out in 2022. The new mortgage payment will be difficult to swing, so I've been working on my budget and cutting expenses where I can. The upside to all this is, if I get the loan, I've asked for enough for not-so-necessary updates: flooring, exterior paint, and some concrete in the back yard.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Harri, how could I forget you? Thanks for popping in with your support, I wanna scoop up GS for big hugs all the time, he is such a sweetheart 

~ OH

[wendydarling]

How are you OH, how did it go last night OH?

OH I'm sorry your 2022 retirement plan may be dashed I remember you sharing  your plans last year. Sucks. As a single parent I understand the challenges providing, living off one salary, making little (one salary) stretch far we are financial wizards OH     Get this, last week I received three letters in the post, hum what are these.. 'Dear wdarling as you are approaching your swinging   60th later this year and indicated your plans to retire, here are your three pension plan options'... Floored me. I can't remember ever opting for 60 retirement age. Come on, in my head I'm still in my 30s having fun. We may work longer, our children certainly will here in the UK. We can still have fun, my eldest sister got married 2 years ago at 70 and she's having a ball. Background is she became a single parent of 4 lovelies under 10 with no financial support from the father who left what he produced.

We can do this, we have already. You are not alone.

WDx (no longer 12)

[livednlearned]

She told her BF, "now that SHE'S home all day I have to fake it so that she doesn't call CPS on me."

It seems like she has two feet in different shoes, each one going opposite ways. On one hand she is all but asking for help -- please stay, I'm not safe right now. Then on the other hand resenting the help.

It is not fun to go through that last bit.

It is encouraging that she is able to do the first part. That takes courage and vulnerability. Then a surge of emotions that she wasn't able to skillfully manage.

You stayed and did what was right and from out here on the internet, and knowing a bit about BPD, I can imagine she somewhere inside felt safe knowing you ignored her eruption and were there to protect GS4.

[Only Human]

Thanks for asking, WD, last night went very well. I asked DD how she was feeling and she said she was feeling better. I told her, "I'm always available if you want to talk," and she said nothing. I wasn't offended, and preferred it to what I thought she might say..."Yeah, right, I tried to talk to you this morning and you told me I was mean to GS."

She's gotten into gardening and has several seedlings she's tending to, she was excited to show me their growth. We shared a meal after GS went to bed and she seemed in better spirits.

Today was a bit better, although she yelled at GS a couple of times, it wasn't the hate-filled yelling I sometimes hear. She got up on her own about 30 minutes after GS woke me up and she interacted with him pleasantly much of the day. Her BF provided some relief for her by taking GS out and about after his nap.

Thank you, also, livednlearned, for what you said:

I can imagine she somewhere inside felt safe knowing you ignored her eruption and were there to protect GS4.

This warmed my heart and I believe you are right. She's told me in the past she is much more patient with GS when others are around. I sort of wonder if she thought I had already left when she was screaming such awful things at GS yesterday morning.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. I needed you yesterday and you were here for me. Thank you!

~ OH

p.s. wendydarling In my head, you are in your 30's for sure. Thanks for sharing about your sister finding love and happiness after struggling as a single parent. It's the toughest job I've ever had.

[wendydarling]

It's good to hear it went well OH and things are calming, you spent time together and she shared her seedling excitement with you is touching, she's reaching out to you.

Her BF provided some relief for her by taking GS out and about after his nap.

that's thoughtful and kind of him.

BTW I'm really impressed to hear DD's taking time when she is in a good space to meditate, thumbs up to her self care   

OH I hope you make time to rest up this weekend and do something special for you, refill that glass.

WDx