She's Divorcing

[Depression = 72% of members]

About time she let that poor kid go. 

I told her that I was finalizing my will and trust and that my BFF waa my executor and secondary trustee (in a trust, I am the trustee until I croak).

It was loud where we were and at first she didn't hear me.  She asked who it was.  I told her [her husband] "for what you put him through."

"For what I put him through? I gave him time to get his act together and he never did.  I'm going to file for divorce.  I just need time to explain it gently to the kids."

She also asked if I trusted BFF not to basically liquidate everything and keep it. "What if we need to sell the house?" Then you can discuss it with [BFF].

She's too much.  But no  way I'll let Miss "your house is your bank!" Have access to the equity. 

[Turkish]

About time she let that poor kid go. 

I told her that I was finalizing my will and trust and that my BFF waa my executor and secondary trustee (in a trust, I am the trustee until I croak).

It was loud where we were and at first she didn't hear me.  She asked who it was.  I told her [her husband] "for what you put him through."

"For what I put him through? I gave him time to get his act together and he never did.  I'm going to file for divorce.  I just need time to explain it gently to the kids."

She also asked if I trusted BFF not to basically liquidate everything and keep it. "What if we need to sell the house?" Then you can discuss it with [BFF].

She's too much.  But no  way I'll let Miss "your house is your bank!" Have access to the equity. 

[GaGrl]

We have an almost opposite situation. DH 's ex (uNPD/BPD) has some interesting ideas about money. She keeps her assets in real estate and cash (literally -- a safe in her closet). Bank accounts are just for paying bills. She has two houses in the U.S. and a family compound in her native country.I

DH always had a parentified relationship with her, even though only 6 years older. She still views him like this. Plus, his post-military work is financial advisement. When she re-did her will after the divorce, she named DH as executor, saying he is the only one she could trust to take care of the children...no mention of her partner of 18 years at all. He hasn't been given the combination to the safe, even.

I wasn't crazy about DH staying attached to that degree, but I do agree that DH will be able to process both U.S. and Thai assets, with the help of a bi-lingual Thai lawyer we've used to get the children born here their Thai citizenship (only citizens can own property).

Bottom line...no suspicion on her part that DH would "raid" or squander her assets -- instead, she distrusts her current partner.

Money brings out some interesting aspects of people.I

[Turkish]

You've got some grace. I never thought of putting romantic relationships in terms of Parentified, despite me and my kids' mom (she almost 11 years my junior), and a "Daddy-Daughter" dynamic, but that feels like a right way of describing it. 

That must be insulting to her husband. My ex's husband is 10 years her junior and she treated him like a son after the teen-romance idealization phase.  What she told me yesterday sounded more like a frustrated parent, rather than a peer, even if he is a screw-up.

My T observed a few years ago,  "i think that she still respects you.  Use that,  but don't over do it."

[GaGrl]

That is very much the situation with DH and his ex -- she respects him. Overusing that would be allowing her to put him on a pedestal while she denigrates her live-in of 18 years.

Ex has actually called DH in times of crisis with her live-in. She had caught him viewing porn and he admitted he visited a massage parlor. Now she is up-front that they no longer have sex -- yet she wanted DH to talk her down, as she was threatening to get her gun out of the safe. She has been arrested for DV involving a gun before (never with DH). He was able to calm her and actually get her to see that her life was what she had created for herself. This was as close to her admitting some negative behaviors as she's ever achieved.

Don't be surprised if she starts to romanticize your marriage and put out feelers about being with you again. DH got this a couple times with his ex -- after DH and I had been married for 6-7 years. She has said bluntly, " Well, I was the first wife. " Now this has cultural significance, because Thai men often take a second, unofficial wife called the Mia Noi (little wife).  She feels she has continued rights, and there have been several times DH has had to be more than blunt about our marriage taking priority.

Right now, DH is OK with being parentified if it helps him protect the kid's inheritances, but I wonder what is going to happen as she ages and has cultural expectations of being taken care of. I asked DH early in our marriage how much of her issues were cultural and how much mental health issues, and he said 50-50. DH understands her culture and can navigate those.

[JNChell]

What are your thoughts on the divorce? Are you having any feelings?

[Turkish]

I think that they having been in limbo for two years hadn't been healthy,  for them or the kids.  Hopefully,  she'll choose better next time.  Honestly,  I'm tired of emotionally investing in the life of someone else.  It's unnecessary. 

I just hope she's safe.  This is the guy that grabbed her, forced her down on the couch and told her, "I forbid you from divorcing me!" a few years ago when she first brought it up. 

[JNChell]

Wow! The physical hold down and forbidding her is intense. Like you said, at least it’s finally happening. Hopefully she will choose better. I think that we both know...though.

S4’s mom is in a relationship. She got with him a month after our final split. She’s told that she won’t marry, live with him or have kids with him. I’m wondering if she’s keeping him at an arm’s length on purpose because she knows what happens when things get too personal. Then again, her word isn’t something to go by. Not my problem anymore.

Like you, I do my best to wish her well. Not an easy task, but best for S4.

[Turkish]

I can take whatever,  as a man,  an adult.  When joint children are involved,  that is another level.  My kids know that their mom disrespects her husband,  their step-dad, and that makes it harder.  I long ago stopped hating him (he asked for my forgiveness, even if by text), but I'm having trouble forgiving her for demonstrating a dysfunctional step-parent r/s. Some of that is him,  but mostly her in my opinion. 

[JNChell]

I get what you’re saying and share the same resentments when it comes to the example that S4 is being shown. His mom’s house sounds like a circus. Out of my control, but my level of concern causes the resentment to stick. She’s unable to see or really understand that the kids are learning based on what we show them. It’s boggling because she has an understanding that she learned from her parents actions. She’s very much like her mom, but she can’t see past herself to break the cycle. Fortunately, we can provide something different for our children. I don’t know what it’s like to go back and forth like that, but I hope that S4 benefits from seeing two different sides. Like you, I was stuck in one dysfunctional household with no relief.

As your kiddos age and become wiser, I’d bet that they’ll gravitate towards you. Not that anyone really wins in that situation, but what’s best for the kids is best for the kids.