Can't detatch.

[PhazeLh]

I just cannot detatch from my ex, she's all I ever think about. The things she said to me are stuck in my head, I was her everything, the love of her life, she felt so lucky to have me..would tell me she isn't going anywhere, then 3 days later i'm labled as needy and clingy, inconsiderate, to her all I wanted was sex, she said she couldn't be with me because I reminded her of her past? then i'm completely cut out of her life, threatened with a restraining order.

The night she cut me off..we were talking as usual, planning a trip away together, in the middle of this conversation she messages me "can we slow down?" I will admit the relationship was moving quite fast but it felt right. She admitted it was her that  had caused things to move so fast.. I just went along with it. She said we could still see eachother but not as often and that we needed to just be friends. I told her this would be difficult and it just wouldn't sit right with me, I said I feel friendzoned right now.. she said you're right, you are friendzoned.. and that's when she started to get nasty.
I expressed my love for her, how much she meant to me.. she didn't seem to care, at times she would just ignore me, tell me she'll talk to me later because she was busy, she never did have a "talk" with me, instead she decided to tell me i'm clingy, needy, and inconsiderate, amongst other things.. then she cut me off.

I've been trying to convince myself it wasn't my fault, at times I feel like i'm labeling her as BPD so that I can free myself of blame.
She had many of the traits though, claimed she self harmed in the past, she had a few little scars here and there, suicidal ideation, impulsive, she didn't seem to have a sense of who she was. She came from a broken family, she had no close friends, many ex's who were abusers or just not very pleasant, had one ex who she still spoke to now and then, they broke up because he apparently cheated.. She also claimed to have bipolar, said she was born with a drug addiction, claimed to have many things actually, there was always some kind of drama going on.

It's been over a month now since she cut me off. Yesterday I did something silly and sent her a letter as an attempt at gaining some kind of closure, said things I felt I needed her to hear, nothing spiteful. Kinda regretting it now.
I know I just need to move on with my life and focus on myself.. I get to a point where I feel i'm capable of doing that but then I just seem to crumble, I always want to reach out to her.. holding on to hope she might reach out to me. i'm trying to fight it but it's so difficult.

[Mindfried]

I was her everything, the love of her life, she felt so lucky to have me..would tell me she isn't going anywhere,


I used to hear that all the time only to be broken up with in the next sentence. I could never understand it. It's been 10 months with very very limited contact and none on my part. Last week for some reason out of the blue she texted me to tell me she was releasing whatever energy she had for me and that was it. Although she was the one that broke up with me 10 months ago.

I had no feelings one way or the other. I can tell you it does get easier as the months pass as long as you stay busy. My advice if you truly want to get over this. Stay strong and remain NC. Contacting her and looking at her social media will only set you back to square one. I loved her more than anything and could never get her out of my mind. Some days I still can't but I manned up and going NC does work. You just need sometime to pass.

[Sandb2015]

PhazeLh,

I’m sorry you’re suffering. Perhaps not a consolation, most of us have been in or are in them now.

How long have you been together? Are you aware of some signs that were there that didn’t feel right?

[JNChell]

Hey there, PhazeLh. Welcome to  bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you had to find us, but glad you did. It sounds like your emotions are shifting very fast. I understand how that feels. I felt the same way when I arrived here. I was met with kindness, understanding and most importantly, open minds. You’re in a good place. You can breathe here.

What you describe is typical BPD behavior. Especially telling you how much you mean to her then running off 3 days later. pwBPD  want to be loved, but they don’t feel worthy of it. They have a deep sense of shame. You can’t fix that. Only she can. Wanting love and feeling unworthy cause a push/pull dynamic.

How long were the two of you together? How did you meet?

You didn’t get any real closure from her. That’s hard. I can relate. So where do you go from here?

[PhazeLh]

PhazeLh,

I’m sorry you’re suffering. Perhaps not a consolation, most of us have been in or are in them now.

How long have you been together? Are you aware of some signs that were there that didn’t feel right?

It's embarrassing to be honest.. we were together just over 2 months, no time at all really.
During those 2 months we had become so close though, did so much together, planned a future together, spoke about having a child one day when we were ready.. it was like we were meant to be, I got so attached to her and her to me.

There were a few signs yes, the first was how open she was with me about her past so soon, we met online and spoke for a few days before meeting, just casual/flirty convos, getting to know each other a bit.. but the day I went to meet her I picked her up and during the drive back to mine (we walked my dogs on our first "date"  she told me all about how she had lived in care homes during her childhood because her mom and dad couldn't look after her, her mom was a drug addict, her dad..well he wasn't very pleasant. Another sign was how despite how she told me she couldn't wait to meet my dogs, when she actually did she didn't seem to thrilled, most people are all over my dogs.. she claimed to be a huge animal lover (she did own many animals) but it threw me off how she interacted with my dogs.. well the lack of interaction.

There were other signs.. there was always some kind of drama going on her life, always silly little things which she made big deals out of.. like a missed phone bill, breaking a glass (her only pint glass) just minor things which would set her off.

The biggest sign.. looking back now is how she was pushing for a relationship so early on, I was all for it because she seemed like such a kind, caring and understanding person, I liked her alot and it felt right to pursue a relationship with her, so I did.

I hate how it ended, the possibiity of just being friends was there at one point, but I didn't want that at the time.. then she didn't want to know me at all?  I'd give anything to be able to reconcile with her and not feel like the monster she's made me out to be.

[PhazeLh]

Hey there, PhazeLh. Welcome to  bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you had to find us, but glad you did. It sounds like your emotions are shifting very fast. I understand how that feels. I felt the same way when I arrived here. I was met with kindness, understanding and most importantly, open minds. You’re in a good place. You can breathe here.

What you describe is typical BPD behavior. Especially telling you how much you mean to her then running off 3 days later. pwBPD  want to be loved, but they don’t feel worthy of it. They have a deep sense of shame. You can’t fix that. Only she can. Wanting love and feeling unworthy cause a push/pull dynamic.

How long were the two of you together? How did you meet?

You didn’t get any real closure from her. That’s hard. I can relate. So where do you go from here?

Thank you for the warm welcome.

I answered your questions in the post above ^^

Where do I go from here though.. i'm trying to just focus on myself, trying to improve myself anyway I can, I want to feel good about myself again. I've been thinking about finding a T because i've realised I have a lot of issues (co-dependency maybe)

[Panda39]

Where do I go from here though.. i'm trying to just focus on myself, trying to improve myself anyway I can, I want to feel good about myself again. I've been thinking about finding a T because i've realised I have a lot of issues (co-dependency maybe)

All excellent ideas   

First of all it doesn't matter if you were together 2 month or 2 years it is okay to feel what you feel.  A broken heart hurts...and a broken heart can heal.

Many of us have come here looking at the person with BPD/BPD traits in our life but then we begin to turn and look at ourselves.  IMO this is a healthy thing to do.  Why did we pick the partner we did, do we have patterns in our relationships, what was our FOO (Family of Origin) like and how did that affect us, what do we get out of being in a dysfunctional relationship...lots to look at and think about.  The only people we truly control is ourselves, so by looking at yourself and making changes that will lead to making different choices.

Besides trying to "improve" yourself, try to enjoy yourself, do those things that make you feel good (a good craft project for me will do it), and see people who's company you enjoy, those people that like you just the way you are and are supportive, they will want to help.

I know it's hard going through this, but you will get through it.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Astray]

It will get better. It will be slow; some days you will think you're making progress and other days you'll feel like you're back at square one, but you've got to keep at it.

At least you've realised what was wrong relatively early on; for me it was months after she inexplicably dropped me that I realised she wasn't the most evil woman in the world but a very unwell one. Believe me knowing she's ill and there's nothing I can do about it makes it a lot easier to process. I urge you to read the articles on this site as much as you can, especially the ones relating to relationships, they've helped me so much.

Since realising she's almost certainly suffering from BPD, I've been able to look back and realise that so much of her strange behaviour was down to the disorder. Everything makes sense now and believe me, that helps the healing. But still my heart yearns for her, even though I know it would never have worked. The only thing that's going to help is time. Get out and occupy your mind, find new things to do. We can do this!

[Lucky Jim]

There were other signs.. there was always some kind of drama going on her life, always silly little things which she made big deals out of.. like a missed phone bill, breaking a glass (her only pint glass) just minor things which would set her off.

Hey PhazeLr, Welcome!  You have received some great advice above. 

Right, these are red flags  that you will recognize the next time around.  Yes, you can detach, but it's painful parting ways with a pwBPD, as many here can attest.  Suggest you acknowledge and allow the feelings, and let them pass through you.

It's helpful to process your feelings.  How to process?  Write in a journal, see a T, meet with a close friend or family member to talk about it, get outdoors, break a sweat in a good workout, etc.  You get the idea!

It will get better!

LuckyJim

[PhazeLh]

A message my ex left me 5 days before I was painted black..

I love you. I know I say mean things sometimes, sometimes I say stuff before I think and I'm sorry. I do love you, I love your big blue eyes and your floppy hair, I love how you smell and how beautiful you are. I love that you look after me and always make sure I'm ok. Even if sometimes I am a handful. I will always be thankful and appreciative of what you do and what you have done for me. I'm writing this because i can't say how I feel, not because I don't want to because i physically can't. I cant believe how lucky I am to have you, and your family. i'm sorry i'm such a pain. I want to be here when you become confident and become the person we all know you can be. I want to be with you because: you're beautiful, you look after me and keep me safe, you're unique, you're funny, you make me smile alot, you make me feel like the only person in the world, I can talk to you. And there's so many more reasons. I love you to pluto and back.

She sent me this message after she said something slightly insensitive.
I just don't understand how she could write that and then 5 days later she doesn't want to know me.
Don't know why i'm sharing this.. i've shown it to many people who are close to me and they can't make sense of how someone could feel that way and so soon after just switch like she did. Hurts so much.

[JNChell]

That was a touching message and I can see how it would be confusing for you. Also, it’s important that you share these things. It’s part of the healing process.

pwBPD have difficulties when it comes to close relationships. They get scared when they feel they’re getting too close to another. They tend to fear abandonment so they sometimes sabotage relationships to avoid being left. In my own situation, from what I know about S4’s mom and what I’ve learned, this makes sense to me.

Allowing time to pass will help. Putting the work in will allow you to heal. You’ve been through quite an ordeal. It’s time to care for yourself now. Any thoughts?

[itsmeSnap]

we were talking as usual, planning a trip away together, in the middle of this conversation she messages me "can we slow down?"

I've seen this "pattern" before. I've been there myself, except it was just a weekend at an airbnb.

Now that I think about it, it was too much.

at times I feel like i'm labeling her as BPD so that I can free myself of blame.

Also been there, though it also makes it easier to think that she'll be fine, not healthy, but she'll find her own way, they always do.

I always want to reach out to her.. holding on to hope she might reach out to me. i'm trying to fight it but it's so difficult.

I held on to hope right up until the moment I started dating another person after three months. Now I hold on to hope with her despite some bumpy circumstances, I guess I never learned my lesson 

I just don't understand how she could write that and then 5 days later she doesn't want to know me

I may have a hint for you:

know I say mean things sometimes, sometimes I say stuff before I think and I'm sorry...
Even if sometimes I am a handful...
i'm sorry i'm such a pain...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

Feelings of worthlessness are insidious little devils. And then when she said it was too much, in her head it probably became a "I'm broken, nobody loves broken things. I'm unlovable, why do you love me? there must be something wrong with you, you're broken and I don't love you, go away you broken thing"

Where do I go from here though.

One easy way is to keep talking to others about what you experienced, it helped me make sense of things and I got to help a few along the way. You can do that while you find your own path.

[Lucky Jim]

I just don't understand how she could write that and then 5 days later she doesn't want to know me.  Don't know why i'm sharing this.. i've shown it to many people who are close to me and they can't make sense of how someone could feel that way and so soon after just switch like she did. Hurts so much.

Sorry to hear, PhazeLh, that you are going through this pain.  Of course it's confusing.

Those w/BPD can flip on a dime.  They cycle from hot to cold, kind to cruel, loving to degrading, all in short order, which is why many have likened a BPD r/s to a roller coaster.  To me, it's fortunate that your ride has ended, so hang in there!

LJ

[PhazeLh]

Thanks for the replys everyone, really appreciate it.

I'm seeing a therapist for the first time ever tomorrow evening.. kinda apprehensive about it to be honest.

Any tips? what should I expect?

[clvrnn]

Thanks for the replys everyone, really appreciate it.

I'm seeing a therapist for the first time ever tomorrow evening.. kinda apprehensive about it to be honest.

Any tips? what should I expect?

Hey,

It's natural to feel apprehensive; does your therapist specialise in abuse/BPD?

If it's your first session, you're just going to be speaking about what's bought you there, and what you'd like to gain from the sessions. I had my first session last Saturday and that's what it consisted of, although I will say be prepared to be very open and honest and maybe plan something nice for afterwards - sometimes it can be a little upsetting after, as you've just spoken about deeply emotional things.

[PhazeLh]

Was going through my playlists on my USB for my car.. I made one for ex, all the songs were chosen by her... going through them it's almost as if she was trying to subliminally warn me with her choice of songs. Alot of the songs have a recurring theme..along the lines of "run" "love lies" "if you love me let me go"  Impossible by James Arthur - the lyrics to this song... .

Maybe i'm overthinking.. but it's odd because when I think back to when we'd listen to music together casually, or talk about what music we liked, she'd mainly listen to or mention Grime.. Uk rap.. none of this lovey dovey stuff she had me make a playlist of. I dunno,  just something I noticed..

[babyducks]

hi PhazeLh,

how did your therapy visit go?    was it a good connection?

people with BPD or the traits of this disorder have harmfully intense emotions that can change very rapidly.     the other name for this disorder that you some times see is emotional dysregulation disorder.    a person with BPD has a very hard time, if not an impossible time controlling or regulating their response to any event.   

if the event was good or pleasing it was the best thing that ever happened, the most wonderful time.    if the event was upsetting or negative, it was the worst thing in the world, the most horrible.    the swing between the two comes very rapidly.

somebody smarter than me said:

A person with emotional dysregulation disorder reacts in an emotionally exaggerated manner.

we tend to invest a lot emotionally into these relationships.    the early idealization phase is typically so wonderful.   and then when the devaluation phase comes along be very wounded, and confused.    the roller coaster of 'today it's wonderful' and 'tomorrow it's horrible' is very hard to absorb.    these were not normal relationships.   we look to make sense of things.     it's hard to understand we were involved with some one who can't consistently hold one emotion.

'ducks

[Lucky Jim]

we tend to invest a lot emotionally into these relationships.    the early idealization phase is typically so wonderful.   and then when the devaluation phase comes along be very wounded, and confused.    the roller coaster of 'today it's wonderful' and 'tomorrow it's horrible' is very hard to absorb.    these were not normal relationships.   we look to make sense of things.     it's hard to understand we were involved with some one who can't consistently hold one emotion.

You put that well, babyducks!  Yes, it is hard to understand how I got involved (er, married!) to a person with such unstable emotions, though now I see it had a lot to do with my FOO, which made me particularly susceptible to a BPD r/s.

LJ

[PhazeLh]

hi PhazeLh,

how did your therapy visit go?    was it a good connection?

Hey,

My session is tonight in about 3 hours, i'll be sure to check in and let you know how it went.

[once removed]

Hey,

My session is tonight in about 3 hours, i'll be sure to check in and let you know how it went.

how did it go?

[PhazeLh]

how did it go?

Wasn't for me to be honest. I think I may try to find a T that is more suited to my needs. Although i've been doing a lot better recently.. I still think of her now and then but usually in a more negative light, I don't get upset anymore... just kinda angry.

I've thought about the possibility that she was a sociopath rather than BPD. pwBPD tend to have low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness which she didn't exhibit at all.. she was full of herself, i'd tell her she's beautiful and she'd reply "I know" she was very arrogant and domineering at times. I dunno.. kinda makes more sense to me.

[JNChell]

Hey, PhazeLh. Sorry to hear that your session didn’t go the way that you had hoped. Don’t be discouraged. It took a few tries for many of us here to find a T that we could connect with. Once it happens, you’ll know. This is called work for a reason.  Feeling angry is normal. Whether she’s a borderline or sociopath, your anger feels the same. Her behaviors are contributing to you feeling this way.

Are you still searching for a T that will meet your needs?

[once removed]

I've thought about the possibility that she was a sociopath rather than BPD. pwBPD tend to have low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness which she didn't exhibit at all.. she was full of herself, i'd tell her she's beautiful and she'd reply "I know" she was very arrogant and domineering at times. I dunno.. kinda makes more sense to me.

navigating these waters isnt always easy. a person who is outwardly full of themselves, can indeed possess low self esteem. a sociopath (known as antisocial personality disorder) on the other hand, tends to run hand in hand with a long history of criminal behavior.

have you seen these: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

[Cromwell]

Sometimes i felt that when she got into that really out of character demeaning mode, it felt like she had adopted the persona of someone else. It was just rancid and rotten and not who i knew.

I always suspected it was the re enacfment of whichever neglectful/feckless parent she was mimicking as if it was a powerful role. The voice, the tone, the contorted facial expressions seemed emulated and not 'her'.

At times i suspect when i hear people suggest some npd traits in their BPD partners that it could be more to do with this copying rather than an innate trait.

[JNChell]

Hey, PhazeLh. How’s it going?

[clvrnn]

I always suspected it was the re enacfment of whichever neglectful/feckless parent she was mimicking as if it was a powerful role. The voice, the tone, the contorted facial expressions seemed emulated and not 'her'.

This is so interesting, and a very good observation. Remember that my ex pwBPD spoke about her father's anger and how he'd become "wide-eyed" and glare at her; causing her to know she'd done something wrong. She'd do the very same to me, and it did feel very fake, an emulation of sorts.