hi Lightandshine,
can you share some more details? it will help clarify.
a few questions:
whats the history here? what did you stop accepting?
what was said before this? what did you say about loving him?
Thanks for your reply! The history here is that I used to just sit there and get yelled at while he called me names. There was lots of yelling in my childhood and it took alot for me to tell him that his yelling made me feel unsafe and that I would have to leave the convo if he didn't lower his voice. I first did this in December and have been consistent in my request for him to lower his voice and then actually leaving the conversation if he didnt.
He stopped yelling as much and is much more open to me taking breaks or leaving the convo when things get heated. But then he started calling me names, but in a calmer tone. So I asked him to stop calling me names or I would have to leave the conversation. He's been better about this but it still happens and I do leave the convo when he doesnt stop.
I've had to leave the conversation a few times over the past week for these reasons. Then, he started interrupting my sleep by coming into the living room (I'm sleeping on the couch) turning on the light and then loudly saying something like "I'm hungry. When do I get to feel better? You still haven't fixed it yet and it's your fault. What do I get out of this?" I used to try to participate in these conversations until I realized I need some boundaries here because the lack of sleep was effecting my job. Two nights ago I calmly said "it sounds like you're really hurt right now. I care about your feelings and want to work on solving the problem, but I'm too tired to focus right now and need to get some sleep. Can we discuss this tomorrow".
The next day comes and he wakes up while I'm working (work from home). I was able to talk to him for a bit but I had to get back to my job. I tried to validate his feelings and let him know that I had to get back to my job but could talk at 2:30. So he got worked up and he threw the dish towel and a cereal box and then left the room, and punched a wall in the bathroom.
I stuck to my boundary and contiued my work. When I was done with work I went into the room where he was and found him crying and looking through his DBT workbook (first time he's used it!). He let me hug him and he talked about how he's been so hurt in the past by people. And I told him that I know he has, and that anyone would be just as upset as him if they had similar experiences. He apologized for his earlier rage. This is the first time he has not told me I deserve the rage in a long time.
He said he just didnt know how to not hate the people who have hurt him (past neglect, sexual abuse, etc). I told him he didnt owe anyone forgiveness. That forgiveness was for him to give and he doesnt owe it anyone. He said "what about you?", I told him that I love him and want to be with him but ultimately. He wasn't even obligated to forgive me. He's been sad since, but the rage is gone. He
