You can't have your cake and eat it too (another round of NC)

[madeline7]

This past month my elderly widowed uBPDm has been in rare form. I spent 3 weeks scheduling and cancelling appointments due to her unstable mood shifts. Then I came across her will, and it appears she made a draft 2 years ago at a time when she was angry with me, and I am completely out of her will. Yet she still expects me to help her with everything she needs. This is the "you can't have your cake and eat it" part. I had a measured conversation with her, stating how it hurt me to see the will. She told me that she probably wrote it since I must have upset her. Always blaming others. So cliche. The next day I literally felt sick, and reached out to my Dr. who informed me that stress is real and contraindicated for good health., so I told my Mom and my sibs I would be stepping back. Saw my Mom today (decided I would see her once a week), she started to dysregulate, I reminded her that I could not get into all that and I had been to the Dr. She said some choice things like, "I don't care" and when I said I was experiencing anxiety dealing with the drama, she mocked me by playing an imaginary violin. I stayed calm, I didn't "bite the hook", I got up and said I would be leaving and that I hoped she would get help. I feel strange, it was like an out of body experience, I am not sure she will remember what transpired, but I am definitely not going to forget. I just want this cycling part to be over, I guess it's up to me to take the lead.

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry and don't blame you for walking away after she did the violin mockery.

My mother wrote me out of her will in a fit of anger, didn't want me to know,  and then forgot about it.  I bet your mother did too. Then years later she reconciled. She wanted me to sign some papers concerning the will at the lawyers office and so I went with her. The lawyer handed her will to me to read and I said " I can't sign this". She said why? I said because my name isn't here". Others were named but not me.

She got flustered at being caught red handed in writing me out, and then went back later to speak to the lawyer in private. He rewrote it putting me back in it.

Writing someone out of a will is emotionally hurtful and I think BPD parents do it impulsively when angry. But they are acting in the moment and I don't know if  have a clue about the long term hurt this kind of thing can cause. Or maybe they do. Either way,  I hope you can feel less hurt by this. It's more about her than you.

[GaGrl]

My uNPD/BPD step-grandmother married my widowed grandfather. She was 18 years old, my mother was 6. SG M never legally adopted my mother, and she and my grandfather never had children. So...only child.

We always understood that SG M was beneficiary of his will, and vice versa. Mom would have been secondary. However, when GF was in the hospital and nearing death (Alzheimers), WhO had a lawyer cousin draw up a new will for GF, which she "helped" him sign, and which was witnessed by her best friend.

What did it change? Nothing except changing the secondary beneficiary from my mother to a local church-based college.

That was so hurtful. Mom didn't need the money. It was purely a way for this mean, hateful, jealous and personality disturbed woman to show my mom, one more time before GF died, how she could control the relationships in the family.

GF died, Mom was shown the will and told she could contest it based on state law, and she chose not to do so.

But that was the game-changer for my mom. She went Very Low Contact, and Mom, my sister and I got real clear on triangulation. When SG M died, she left nothing to my mother and divided it between her best friend and the college. This was after the doctor called Mom about end of life  questions in SGM's final hospitalization -- Mom had to explain that she was never legally adopted and had no permissions regarding healthcare. SG M pay in the hospital for five weeks because no one blood-related to her would take responsibility.

It's all about control. And look where it got her in the end. So sad.

[zachira]

I just wanted to cry when I read your post today. I feel so sad for you. You are the one who does everything for your mother yet she has left you out of her will. She did this to hurt you from the grave. I wonder if your mother is secretly jealous of you. It reminds me of what went on in both of my parents' families. My scapegoated aunts and uncle made unbelievable sacrifices for the family like being the caretakers in my grandparents' old age and were expected to do all the dirty work, yet they were still constantly maligned by the family and not given any credit for all their kindness and generosity. I believe you are probably in a similar situation which in no way takes away the hurt and anger. I am glad you have informed your siblings and mother that you will be stepping away from taking care of your mother.You are a kind and caring person and have helped your mother because she is your mother. I think because we are caring people we find it hard to understand and accept our mothers' cruel behaviors because we would never treat anybody the way they have treated us.

[madeline7]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies. It was really helpful last night to feel the support. My Mom became outraged that I would be motivated by the will (meaning $), but it the emotional hurt brought on by this realization that upset me more. Things are complicated by the fact that I live in the same town as her, my siblings and many of the nieces, nephews, etc. and she will try to divide us even more now. Can someone who is painted black be further blackened? My daughter is very upset by her grandmothers behavior and feels protective of me. She is also discouraged that this will further fracture the family. Even though geography doesn't solve everything, I do feel distance would be helpful at this point, not just for me, but for my kids. I don't want this to be their legacy.

[Notwendy]

A will is so much more than money. It's a recognition of the people who are important to the person writing the will. I am sure there are some good reasons to not include someone, but using a will to "get back" at someone because you are angry at them at the moment has the potential to have an effect that lasts longer than the momentary anger. People who have some sense won't do that. That's not your mother.

Take care of yourself, and your family. <3

[zachira]

You ask if someone who has been painted black can be further blackened. In my experience the answer is yes.The biggest change you probably will find challenging is to set and modify boundaries as needed. As I have set boundaries and have quietly become more self confident and happier, my two siblings with BPD and NPD have done cruel things to me that I could never have imagined. It has required me to stay true to myself and set even stricter boundaries. The most important boundaries include limiting contact with my siblings and mother, all whom have BPD and NPD, and their supporters, people who blindly believe what they hear about me. It is extremely challenging as my BPD and NPD family members continue to challenge the new boundaries and are angry that they cannot destroy my self confidence like they have in the past. A first step might be to list the people who see you for who you really are, both family members and others, and find ways to limit your contact with those that are going to cause you the most trouble. Do you know who your true friends and supporters truly are and who are those most likely to contribute to the malicious gossip about you? What I have noticed is like attracts like. Unhappy people are attracted to those that malign others. The safe people are resistant to taking at face value the bad things that they hear about others because they want to have their own experiences respected in choosing how they feel about others. I am glad to hear you are finding it helpful to feel the support from the people who have responded. Keep us posted and let us know how we can help.

[GreenGlit]

That story is painful to hear and very familiar. My BPDm painted me black (yes, blacker and blacker over the years). We are LC almost NC and she randomly called me last year to ask me if there's "anything in your [childhood] bedroom you want to keep." My mom who can't throw anything away decided she was cleaning out my room. Later a close friend told me she and my uBPD/NPD sister decided when her kids get old enough to ask who the other girl is in old family pictures, they will say I was a "family friend" who lost contact over the years.

Needless to say I used to have a lot of anxiety wondering if I was in her will or not. Not because I need the $ but much more because I didn't want that last opportunity to connect with her after her death to be another final rejection. In some says being in her will would feel like a final recognition of my value to her. Over time I came to understand this recognition or lack thereof doesn't change the decades of hurt that already happened. I recently attended my maternal grandmother's funeral - she had many borderline behaviors - and I could see how upset my mom was because she never got to reconcile the very difficult tense relationship they had. Mom spent most of her mom's final years doing everything possible to give her the best life, at her own sacrifice, in part because of her yearning for love and acceptance. It didn't really hit her she'd never get it I think until they were lowering grandma's casket into the ground. I didn't want to end up like my mom.

Now is the time to start shielding yourself from the potential future hurt of being cut out of the will. Armor yourself and prepare yourself for that, so that if/when it happens you can look at it in context of your life and not as another tremendous emotional blow. In my case, I decided if she was going to push me away, like your mother seems to be doing, I wasn't going to fight her. If she wants me close she can pick up the phone. That may not be the best course of action for you but have a clear idea of why you are helping her, and have it be for another reason aside from FOG. Be it your values, wanting to do a good thing, whatever. But that reason should be something that stays constant through the tides of your mother's emotions. I think it's one of the few ways to manage and stay healthy.

[madeline7]

My Dad enabled my Mom and bullied me and my sisters up until his passing 3 years ago. He was a good person, but had made the choice to stay with her and therefore went along with her. One sister has recently shut me out, is civil when necessary (not sure why), and the other sister tries but also enables Mom and sometimes sister so not entirely supportive of me. That leaves me with not only an uBPDm but a FOO where the core members are not really there for me. So I am feeling the hurt across the board. For now, I will be NC with my Mom, she likely will not contact me first, as she believes she is the center of the universe and should be called daily. I will try to be LC with my sisters, and will take each holiday one by one, which is hard for me. I think I have some FOG, but also feel like NC and LC goes against my values. I guess I would rather feel bad about this messed up turn of events than feel only righteous anger. At least I have values that include empathy and consideration of others, which is why this treatment of me hits hard.

[Notwendy]

Madeline, I feel similarly to you.

I guess I would rather feel bad about this messed up turn of events than feel only righteous anger. At least I have values that include empathy and consideration of others, which is why this treatment of me hits hard.

I wouldn't treat someone the way my mother, or her enabling FOO treat me. This also really hurt my feelings because I would not treat them this way. It is hard for me to keep some distance from my mother because this is not what I would have wanted, but my mother is different from me. The relationship can't work when one is lying and manipulating the other.

We can just do the best we can with a difficult situation.

[risingtide]

I’m sorry for all you’re going through.  And the will thing is, IME, a time-honored tactic of those suffering from BPD. If the intent is to hurt, they are guaranteed it will hurt (how could it not?). If the intent is to test the extent of the target’s unconditional love, and the target in any way reacts poorly or steps back, the BPD can say “See?  She was only sticking around for the money!”  Regardless of how you react, in her eyes, you lose.  So you have to react in the way that works for you.

My mom’s approach was a bit different.  Rather than quietly change the will and let me get gut-punched after her death, she instead decided to announce her decision directly to me for maximum impact. And to my then-husband.  And his father.  At the dinner table last Easter.  “Since you don’t really need the money, I’ve met with a lawyer to change the will to leave everything to your brother (who earns twice what I do).

 :pause for effect:

My husband caught my eye across the table and I could feel him imploring me to stay calm.  I did manage to stay calm, and I said “that should be helpful to him with two boys to put through college.”  It did gut-punch me.  It really did.  But I didn’t want her to have the satisfaction of knowing she’d struck my soft underbelly.

I think I had been gradually easing out of the place where I had any expectation of her behaving like a normal person. The “will move” allowed me to shift that door one inch closer to closure.  In the year since then I’ve managed to close that door completely.  I have zero expectation that she will change. I’ve also reached the place that I realize her not changing isn’t even a matter of her “choosing” not to change.  Her pathology is such that she really has no choice anymore.  And no amount of gymnastics on my behalf will make any difference.  So I got off the ride.

[Libra]

I am sorry for all the grief and hurt this is causing. It is sad to read how a will can be used as a means of control, punishment, and exclusion.

Even before I found this board and realized how unhealthy my relationship with my mother was, I had known that I would probably not be included in her will. Like Risingtide, I chose to get off that ride.  I have always been fiercely independant, both financially and practically, even while being royally emotionally enmeshed . I do not have any expectations in regards to any family members: I haven't heard from my father since I was 16 or so. My brother has chosen to stay in touch with my mother but fails to communicate in any way with me. And my mother, well, she is who she is. I keep in touch because of my own values. I am still learning to protect and even defend those values from her. But I do not expect anything in return.

Libra.

[madeline7]

Thanks again for your replies. How interesting that getting off the ride is the metaphor used. I think my very first post to this board had something to do with me wanting to get off the carousel. Great minds think alike!

[zachira]

Madeleine7,
Glad to hear you are feeling better and knowing that you are not alone that there are others who understand because they have similar situations with their mother.  Please let us know how you are doing from time to time. For me, it helps to post on this Board even when smaller incidents with my mother and siblings upset me as then I don't get so overwhelmed.