Part 2: How close did we come?

[JNChell]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336168.0

Sorry, Harri. Situations like romantic relationships. I’ve read enough and been told enough that I place myself into situations that are familiar to me (my psyche) I guess. Basically, I haven’t really known what I’ve been doing or known what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been reacting for a long time. Not even in bad ways, but I’ve been reacting and agreeing because it’s what I know. Reacting to what is familiar and what isn’t. Making choices based on that instead of making choices based on me. I’ve dug myself into some holes by basing my concerns on others and leaving myself out of the mix. I come first.

[Harri]

Ah!  I get it now.  

Sorry, Harri. Situations like romantic relationships. I’ve read enough and been told enough that I place myself into situations that are familiar to me (my psyche) I guess. Basically, I haven’t really known what I’ve been doing or known what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been reacting for a long time. Not even in bad ways, but I’ve been reacting and agreeing because it’s what I know. Reacting to what is familiar and what isn’t. Making choices based on that instead of making choices based on me. I’ve dug myself into some holes by basing my concerns on others and leaving myself out of the mix. I come first.

Yes, a lot of us do this.  It is what we know.  I think what you describe above is why it is so important to work on us and why awareness is simply not enough.  We do have a part in the dance and a role we follow.  Being aware is great.  Pushing past it is what is going to make a difference in our lives.  

I remember being in therapy and finally understanding things were bad and how certain events  shaped me and saying "okay, I get it... it was bad but now what do I do?"

[JNChell]

Yes and thank you. Here’s a link for anyone reading the thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[mutemonkey8]

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately, but I think it boils down to what JNChell said: "I didn’t want to be like that or like them."

It took a very long time for me to differentiate from my uBPD, but the older I got, I just KNEW I never wanted to be anything like her. (It helps that we are naturally VERY, VERY different people.) Lately, I've been considering the impact of having a parent that I really can't look up to or emulate. I mean, that's a pretty basic function of a parent. It's...sad.

Whatever inner pillar of strength I have that let me survive all of that...I just feel like I was born with it. Having a healthy introspective nature has also helped.

[Turkish]

So, Differentiation.

Differentiation of Self
Families and other social groups tremendously affect how people think, feel, and act, but individuals vary in their susceptibility to a “groupthink” and groups vary in the amount of pressure they exert for conformity. These differences between individuals and between groups reflect differences in people’s levels of differentiation of self. The less developed a person’s “self,” the more impact others have on his functioning and the more he tries to control, actively or passively, the functioning of others. The basic building blocks of a “self” are inborn, but an individual’s family relationships during childhood and adolescence primarily determine how much “self” he develops. Once established, the level of “self” rarely changes unless a person makes a structured and long-term effort to change it.  

Sometimes I think being adopted helped me differentiate, even if it was dysfunctional.

[zachira]

My mother often complained "You always have to be different." I remember one particular incident when I was a teenager. My mother asked me if I liked a certain painting and I said no. She then said "You always have to be different." Now I regard my ability to question her determination to annihilate me as a separate person from her as what has saved me from being like my siblings with BPD and NPD. I think it is easy for the favorite child to enjoy the undeserved praise and advantages no matter how badly they behaved. The scapegoats like myself cannot help but show displeasure on our faces when we are treated badly no matter what we do, which stokes the rage and devaluation by the person with BPD and/or NPD in our lives. I always wanted to be different from my family members. I did not want to be like those with BPD and NPD nor did I want to become a caretaker like my scapegoated aunts and uncle who were constantly maligned despite their endless generosity and kindness. I am wondering when did you notice that you did not want to be like your family member with BPD and/or NPD and what did you do about it.

[JNChell]

z, I relate to you in big ways. The weight and mental noise from being the scapegoat are a lot to manage, if not be buried by. Coming to terms with being raised by these people has been quite an awakening. It’s amazing that we’re alive. That in itself shows that we’re survivors. Becoming a thriver is hard, but we’ll get there.

I can’t really identify a specific time when I realized that I didn’t want to be like them. I imagine, from what I’ve learned so far, that it happened early. I also wonder if it had to do with being adopted. No infant/mother bonding. What I am noticing is that the anger is leaving me. I’m sure that it will always be there, but it means less to me now. It’s controlled too much of my life up to this point and I won’t allow that anymore. I will never feel or experience the things that I want to if I allow my past to dictate me. I didn’t get to grow as a child, but I’m in control as an adult. I choose to grow.

[mutemonkey8]

I had another thought on this topic.

My BP mother used to say things to me along the lines of "You're not my daughter because my daughter [would not act like that, or would do what I want, etc.]" Alternatively, I got a lot of "You really are your father's daughter" as if that was the worst possible thing to be. It was meant to guilt/shame/terrify me into submission. However, somewhere around middle school age I remember forming an inner response: "You're damn right I'm not your daughter. I don't act like you, and I never will." I never spoke it out loud because that would have triggered physical violence. But I held on to that thought, even though in many ways I was completely controlled by her.

I was (still am) also a big reader. I wonder if reading about families/mothers/parents who were healthy also gave me a different frame of reference.

[JNChell]

a different frame of reference.

I think you’re on to something.