Renewing contact with uNPD/uBPD mother?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've been LC with my mother for almost a year, in which I only communicate with her with emails or text messages.

She has been telling me lately that she has changed for the better and wants to see me and my family -- she wants a face to face meeting.

I am not comfortable with this, as when I think of my past interactions with her, I feel scared.  Furthermore, I don't know if I am ready to set strong enough boundaries with her so that she doesn't take over my emotional life.

She no longer wants me to email or text her anymore, because this is "too cold" and, instead any contact with her has to be over the phone or in person.

I feel that if this is the case, I'd rather not contact her at all for the time being, and only when I think I can set boundaries and feel the desire (and not guilt) would I do so.

Is there anyone else who shares my experiences/thoughts?

Thanks

[alphabeta]

I've been LC with my mother for almost a year, in which I only communicate with her with emails or text messages.

She has been telling me lately that she has changed for the better and wants to see me and my family -- she wants a face to face meeting.

I am not comfortable with this, as when I think of my past interactions with her, I feel scared.  Furthermore, I don't know if I am ready to set strong enough boundaries with her so that she doesn't take over my emotional life.

She no longer wants me to email or text her anymore, because this is "too cold" and, instead any contact with her has to be over the phone or in person.

I feel that if this is the case, I'd rather not contact her at all for the time being, and only when I think I can set boundaries and feel the desire (and not guilt) would I do so.

Is there anyone else who shares my experiences/thoughts?

Thanks

[Harri]

Hi alphab!  It is good to see you!

I feel that if this is the case, I'd rather not contact her at all for the time being, and only when I think I can set boundaries and feel the desire (and not guilt) would I do so.

I have not been in this situation.  I think I would feel the same though.  Just because she is setting her conditions, it does not mean you have to accept them.  Same thing applies to her.  You have conflicting needs and desires and in your case it sounds like accepting her conditions would cause you emotional harm. 

I know you have been working on things and think through your options and review the facts very clearly so I am not concerned you are missing anything here.

You and your family are primary here.  Maybe in time a phone call would be good for you.  Maybe not.

It is okay.

[Libra]

Hi Alphabeta!

Your mother can suggest a change in means of contact, but that does not mean you have to agree.
LC is a choice you took to protect your own wellbeing, and that of your family.
I would only seek more direct contact if I felt comfortable doing so.

There is nothing wrong with needing more time and space.
There is nothing wrong with following your own intuition on this.

It is indeed nice to hear from you.
I hope you are doing well.



Libra.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi alphabeta, 

It is good to hear from you, and thank you for giving us the chance to be a part of your life once again. 

Sounds like you have done a great job of maintaining low contact. Nicely done, and I know it isn't always easy to make those changes. I wanted to make note of your accomplishments, because it is good to celebrate   our steps forward into healing.

Given the past stories of your mom's behavior towards you, I can understand your fear of changing those dynamics and opening you and your family back up to the possibility of further harm and danger. It's interesting that she has decided to "grab the bull by the horns" so to speak and set up her own boundaries to counter yours. The great thing here is just as Harri and Libra said, giving you some great advice to pay attention to your needs and what your gut is telling you. There is no obligation to do as your mom has asked. None. Listen to what your inner children are saying too.

She has been telling me lately that she has changed for the better...

I have been reading a very helpful book of late, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. In the pages, I have read so much of what a BPD is like (how true given my experience with my uBPDm!), and how similar a N is as well. The author goes into detail of how the BPD is unlikely to change. You may find some very helpful guidance in this book.

Wishing you well. 
Wools

[Hopeandjoy]

She no longer wants me to email or text her anymore, because this is "too cold" and, instead any contact with her has to be over the phone or in person.

I believe she is trying to regain power, by making you change and by requesting that you talk without a paper trail. If she is willing to talk to you about it, it's best to keep that in mind but do hear her out without invalidating. If I were you I would invite her to talk about it before talking on the phone or in person. Since she seems to think she has more power that way, things could escalate.

After LC any increase in contact needs to go at your pace. It sounds like she understand you aren't going to tolerate everything, but she's going to test you for a long time.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi alphabeta,

How are you doing today? What are your current feelings about the situation that you shared with us?

I believe that so often we have hope for the pwBPD in our life to change and be kind to us, all the things we have hoped and dreamed for. In my own life, I have had to adjust my focus to the reality I live with, and I am sad and grieve. Yet in the midst of the dysfunction and FOG that we all experience, above all, our safety is first.  I know you get that and have taken such powerful steps to protect all of you.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

 
Wools