Bad advice and 3rd party pressure to change the healthy partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have learned that most people don't understand BPD relationships.

Word on the street is "You can't fix him, you can only control yourself, people don't change, some people just aren't compatible, I need to put my foot down. people will control you as much as you let them. It's only a problem if you make it one. All you can do is...Only you will know...blah blah blah."
While there's truth in those clichés, most of the time they are not empowering. I believe conflict is inevitable, but our skills determine whether or not we can resolve it, and with partners who have BPD it takes extra skills. I've learned not to talk about struggles in my relationship unless I know the person will understand.

It's tough to deal with the things people say about the relationship. Especially when my bf is talking to other people abot the relationship, when he wants to change me and he tries to get other people involved to add pressure. He likes to use social norms to back himself, anything he can claim against me. For ex. "That sounds controlling." i'm concerned about keeping the relationship healthy when he's encouraging people to believe it's abusive and playing victim.

[Hopeandjoy]

I have learned that most people don't understand BPD relationships.

Word on the street is "You can't fix him, you can only control yourself, people don't change, some people just aren't compatible, I need to put my foot down. people will control you as much as you let them. It's only a problem if you make it one. All you can do is...Only you will know...blah blah blah."
While there's truth in those clichés, most of the time they are not empowering. I believe conflict is inevitable, but our skills determine whether or not we can resolve it, and with partners who have BPD it takes extra skills. I've learned not to talk about struggles in my relationship unless I know the person will understand.

It's tough to deal with the things people say about the relationship. Especially when my bf is talking to other people abot the relationship, when he wants to change me and he tries to get other people involved to add pressure. He likes to use social norms to back himself, anything he can claim against me. For ex. "That sounds controlling." i'm concerned about keeping the relationship healthy when he's encouraging people to believe it's abusive and playing victim.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

While there's truth in those clichés, most of the time they are not empowering

Hi Hopeandjoy

I'm in a similar camp as you are, only that I take issue with people saying "leave a BPD relationship, because BPD" or anything along those lines.

i'm concerned about keeping the relationship healthy when he's encouraging people to believe it's abusive and playing victim.

Then don't! I'd recite the cliches again but you know, not fun.

Would you be willing to indulge your partner's need for playing victim by redirecting who the "big bad wolf" is? it doesn't really have to be you does it? are these other people he recruits for help in changing you also "punishers" in his eyes or are they gentle souls caring for him and helping him? would you even want to become one of them?

Like you said, conflict is inevitable some times, but it doesn't have to be shield wall against shield wall. Sometimes a little out-maneuvering is in order. What do you think?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi hopeandjoy,

What you are describing is triangulation. It sounds like your bf is playing the victim role, casting you in the persecutor role, and bringing in others to play rescuer.

Here is some more information on triangulation:

Behaviors: Triangulation

Who does he try to enlist to apply pressure to you? Friends, family? People who don't know you enough to not believe his claims?

[Hopeandjoy]

Would you be willing to indulge your partner's need for playing victim by redirecting who the "big bad wolf" is? it doesn't really have to be you does it? are these other people he recruits for help in changing you also "punishers" in his eyes or are they gentle souls caring for him and helping him? would you even want to become one of them?

thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! I think he would quit that game if I switched it around on him. So far he has only tried this on the phone (with people Im not connected to) so I have no input in the conversations. But if they confront me as a group I could do this.

The recruits are punishers, dysfunctional people who are in power based relationships. Healthy communication, win-win etc. are foreign concepts to my bf and his social network. However he responds very well when I bring them to the table. The direction we're going in, is that he is learning to trust and respect me more than these other people. My goal is to avoid getting pulled down by them.

[Hopeandjoy]

What you are describing is triangulation. It sounds like your bf is playing the victim role, casting you in the persecutor role, and bringing in others to play rescuer.

Here is some more information on triangulation:

Behaviors: Triangulation

Who does he try to enlist to apply pressure to you? Friends, family? People who don't know you enough to not believe his claims?

Yes, it is triangulation.
He tries to enlist people who don't me well, if at all. My goal is to know how to respond if they try mobbing, and anything I can do to keep the r/s from polarizing.

[Harri]

This article, Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle not only describes triangulation but also discusses how to deal with it by not getting caught up in the drama triangle and how to move to a winners triangle.

Check out the article and see what you think.   

[FaithHopeLove]

my bf is talking to other people abot the relationship, when he wants to change me and he tries to get other people involved to add pressure.

That does sound tiring. In what ways does he want you to change?

[Hopeandjoy]

That does sound tiring. In what ways does he want you to change?

Anything that is different from him, his motivation for changing me is rejection fears. That's a topic of it's own I don't want to get into on this thread.

I would like to hear some actual scenarios from others who have been in the karpman triangle and shifted into a winners triangle. I understand the concepts and I've seen it work in other areas, but I want to zoom in on it I guess.

[itsmeSnap]

The recruits are punishers, dysfunctional people who are in power based relationships

Ahh, so its not about being a victim really.

Control is actually an illusion, a game we play. I stand by my "advice" on redirecting it, he is giving away his need to feel powerful, that can motivate him to make a change himself instead of pestering you about it.

Make his "quirks" seem like a weakness while actually being concerned about his well being (rescuer instead of persecuter) and he will enlist help in getting rid of them

Ok that might have been bad advice, but I think its worth at least thinking about exploring creative solutions to complicated issues.

I really don't have an example, I'm also interested to hear how things play out in a real situation.