What do I do?

[Barany]

I don't know what to do, I have been with my body girlfriend for two year, I have had a addiction in my past and I have recognized my behaviour and all I do is listen to her and try my very best, the moment I say one word, the world explodes, I can't say anything and to make it worse my father died last week and two days after I get badgered all day long about everything I'm doing wrong and for two hours it's fine then back to badgering me, my father just died , I say anything and I'm punishing her apparently,  I tried to make a cake with her her and we we're having a great time and I go to put the icing on and I didn't let her do anything when we made it together. And then I express how I feel and I'm wrong I'm supposed to just take all the things she has to say about me and when I express how I feel it offends when I'm just sharing my feelings, it's everyday if I don't sit there and not say anything for 3 hours I've made it about me. Please what do I do I'm exhausted I'm trying everything and it's like no matter what I do or she wants me to do I do it, then I'm not doing enough or she wants me to do more. I'm only one person and I can't change over night. She says I don't except her when I do and then I get told about everything I'm doing wrong all the time. I feel like it's the opposite way around.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.

You ask what you can do and you have already taken a good first step by coming here and reaching out to others.  If you spend some time reading and post in others threads, you will soon see you are not alone as many are in similar situations.  Things can improve for you, it just takes some work.  We can help you with that.

Can you give us a sample of a conversation- what she says and what you say?  that will help us get a better idea of what is going on and maybe we can help you figure out a place to start.

Again,

[Barany]

Tonight we were making the cake and i.said we did it together which we did and she said that I don't feel like we did, I said that I didn't understand and she started saying well why don't you yell at me then and stormed off, I'm sitting on the couch and shes crying and she starts to say that she's feeling broken, I reassured her that I'm her for her regardless is she was broken or not, I then get told that she doesn't care

Other situations I have a past addiction problem I am a recovering addict,

We will be just talking about something and she will use a comparison to something like well you used to shoot fetynal, and I get upset and then she gets angry I have expressed that that is a hurtful subject to me and ask why it has to be brought up, and she says I shouldn't take it personally, that was 12 years of my life and I find that very offending.

Keep in mind my father just passed away so I'm not really all here right now as it is, and honestly I just want things to be okay between us.

[Harri]

Hi.  Thanks for elaborating.

Keep in mind my father just passed away so I'm not really all here right now as it is, and honestly I just want things to be okay between us.

I am not all here tonight either as it is 4am for me otherwise I would have expressed my condolences on your loss in my first post.  I am so sorry to hear about your father.  Grieving a loss is difficult enough and to have problems with your girlfriend on top of that just makes things worse.   

One of the things we say is here is you have to stop making things worse before you can make them better.  Sometimes the way we talk with people with BPD can be invalidating to them which can cause their behaviors to intensify.  pwBPD (people with BPD) process things differently and a lot of times it is a matter of understanding what is going on for them and changing the way we communicate.  It does not fix all things but it can help.

It is hard to say for sure what is going on here and I do not mean to imply you are doing anything wrong.  None of this is intuitive so it can take some learning and some trial and error on your part.  Right now though you are in a lot of stress and grief and I think it might be best to start with something fairly easy.

We have an article called Don't be invalidating   Rad it and see what you think.  A lot of times, when we think we are being supportive we are really invalidating their feelings.

I'm sitting on the couch and shes crying and she starts to say that she's feeling broken, I reassured her that I'm her for her regardless is she was broken or not, I then get told that she doesn't care

Next time try saying something like "I don't like it when i feel broken either and I know how hard it is when i feel like that"  Validate her feelings rather than reassuring her that you are there.  Well you can still say you are there, but try to combine it with the validation.  It can take some practice though and if she is already upset and dysregulating or or yelling, I would not validate. 

In the meantime, what sort of outside support do you have?  Between being a recovering addict (congratulations BTW!) and the loss of your dad plus the stress at home, self care is going to be very important.  What do you do to take care of yourself?

Keep posting and reaching out.  Talking here can help a great deal.  We get it here.