My Story : Getting Therapy : First Post

[LumosNox22]

I read a post about nitpicking that led me to this site. I am 26 years old, married, and have a 2 year old son.  My mother has BPD. I am talking to my physician today to recommend me to a counselor. I didn't know my mom had BPD until 3 years ago. I have lived with it all my life. Things that I don't question, on how I react to situations and people, have finally come to light with having my own child and been separated from my mom for months at a time. I will probably ask a lot of questions..of "Is this normal?"..."Did I react right to this?"..."Am I the one who caused this situation?" ..."Do I have to constantly please her to be a good person?"


Thanks.

[MrHT]

I'm new here also.  I recommend reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells - Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by By: Randi Kreger, Paul T. Mason.  It has helped me a lot. 

I was not aware of BPD till my theorist mentioned it to me.  No you don't constantly have to please her to be a good person (although it feels that way).  Reading the book will help a lot with these questions.  It is also on Audible if you prefer audiobooks

Mr HT

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.  We are a peer support group and we all have a family member with BPD or BPD traits.  The good news is that you are not alone and we get it.  Reaching out for help and support in addition to what you get in therapy is excellent.

The Eggshells book that MrHT suggested is a good read.  We have others we can recommend that are excellent as well, so when you are ready check out our Library  recommendations https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0  We also have lots or articles and videos you may find helpful.

You did not cause this situation. 

You have a right to your own independent life and you do not need to please her to be a good person. 

Again,

[zachira]

Welcome to BPD Family! We are here to support and help you in any way we can!  My favorite book on BPD is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder". I like this book because it showed me how to have compassion for my family members with BPD and thus able to have more compassion for myself. I did not like some of the other books recommended so much, as I just ended up feeling angrier at my family members with BPD and more like a victim.

[LumosNox22]

Thank you all! That is what I'm feeling too. The more I read the more angry I become. Its not all directed toward my mom, either. I feel angry at myself for not recognizing what is going on. I feel even angrier that I can't seem to conjure up the compassion and feelings that she needs to be happy. I also feel angry, because she integrates her girlfriend into the conversations ( I realize that she is the main person she can talk to), but that everyone keeps insinuating that I need to forgive her that it "can't have been that bad growing up." Id like to believe I forgave her several years ago when I found out she had BPD, but what she says to me keeps me second guessing myself. I believe that I forgave her, but I cannot make up a "closeness" with her that does not exist. Yes I enjoy talking to my mom and spending time because she's my mom and there are things that only she will understand about me and vice versa. But she wants more from than exists and then by reading the Emotional Incest article, I feel like that's what she wants. She wants to be abnormally, emotionally close to me to feel like we have a relationship and when I shut down to not cross those lines she tells  me that "i don't love her and that she worries about me!" I'm so f***ing confused about what is really happening.