I want out.

[Isaboo]

   Three years ago an old friend from college emailed me and said he was divorced and asked if we could go out sometime.  We did and had a great time together for about a year and a half.  Like me, he loves live music and hiking.  He is cute and funny.  There are many good things about him.  Looking back he kind of pressured me to get married in Vegas in the fall of 2017.  There were some red flags (which I am somewhat beating myself up for not noticing), but I honestly think he managed to keep himself together somewhat when he was around me.  Mainly, looking back, I see that I was not the focus of his rages at that time.  I bought his lies about how awful his ex-wife was etc.  At this point, I was a super perfect being in his eyes, the exact opposite of his ex.  

   From the beginning, he wanted me to quit my job, sell my house and move in with him.  He lives in another state.  I was not going to leave my job, but I tried staying with him Thursday through Monday.  My partners were very accommodating.  I seriously considered selling my home and even put it on the market.  

    Last fall, he had a breakdown after my firm outing at the lake and threatened my partners’ (20 years at the same firm with the same guys) lives.  I thought he had some sort of stroke or something. I filed for divorce mainly out of embarrassment.  At that point I was still in love with him.  Since that time, he begged to stay married and I gave him six months to go to therapy and make some positive changes. I dismissed the suit.  He didn’t make any real attempts to seek help.   I muddled along with him simply trying to enjoy our time together and simply trying to keep the peace.  

   Now, I want OUT.  I want off the roller coaster.

   We just got back from Jazz Fest.  He acted OK around my friends but on the last night said he wanted to be alone and walk around the Quarter.  I said that was fine (he is an adult after all), but to be back by at least 2 AM as we had a long drive home in the morning.  He stayed out all night and I worried and read “Stop Walking on Eggshells.”  My Mom had given it to me last fall (she has a masters in psychology), but I think I was in too much shock to process anything at that point.

   I am flabbergasted by how much he fits the profile.  It is all there.  He is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  He is charming one minute and super angry the next. By super angry, I could give hundreds of examples but his favorite is property damage- usually throwing my clothes in the yard or breaking mirrors.  He has criticized my job, my family, my character and my friends repeatedly.  People are either all bad or all good to him.  Its always someone else’s problem never his.  He abuses alcohol, but does not appear to be a true addict.  

    He thinks if I sell my house and quit my job and move to his state all of our problems will vanish.  Now he is asking me for more and more money although he is fairly successful himself. Legally, I doubt he will spend the money to fight me and I don’t want anything from him.  He does not have a key to my house as I took that back that last night in NOLA secretly.  He will likely post some horrible things on the internet (he did that last fall about my partners) but I will have my lawyer handle that to the extent that she can.  I don’t fear him physically.  I could be wrong but his ex (who is very kind and who I got to know well for the sake of his daughter) says that he never was physically violent just emotionally abusive.  

    I feel guilty leaving him.  He has no real relationship with parents or siblings and has alienated his daughter.  She is awesome and deserves a better Dad.  She is in counseling and his ex-wife just told me yesterday that her therapist had recommended  “Stop Walking on Eggshells.”  to her to read. This helped to confirm my Mom’s and now my lay diagnosis.

    Anyway, I feel duplicitous as he has no idea that I am filing again next week and has no idea that I intend to go no contact and let him communicate only with my lawyer.  I feel downright mean and yet am angry at him as well for putting me through this.  It helped reading the book as I now know that he hates himself mainly and is sick not evil.  I also worry about leaving his daughter, but his ex-wife has assured me that I can still be in her life to any extent I would like and I don’t think his ex-wife will let him harm his daughter anymore than he already has.

    I need some help getting the strength to go No Contact.  I have made an appointment with a therapist for next week and plan to get back into all my hobbies which he resented me doing, but would appreciate any advice this community has to offer.  I would also very much like to hear that there is life, love and happiness after divorcing someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Please forgive the length of this post!        

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Isaboo and

I am so glad that you are here. It really is a great community; we get it here. We're so familiar with Stop Walking on Eggshells that we call it SWOE.

It sounds like you have been through a very rough time, and you have realized that without treatment, your husband is unlikely to change. The roller coaster is certainly exhausting, I have been there.

Is there hope after divorcing a pwBPD (person with BPD)? You bet there is. I have not officially filed divorce, myself, for financial reasons, but I will this summer. I've been NC since October. I am slowly getting pieces of my life back, and healing with the help of a therapist and this community.

I encourage you to read and respond to others here, and I know you will quickly see that you are not alone. There is also a board for family law, divorce and custody discussions as well should you feel the need to post there. Reading some of the people's stories on that board can certainly assure you that there is a better life after the end of a BPD relationship.

I understand your feelings of guilt. I struggled with that very much for months. But taking care of yourself and your needs is absolutely the best decision you can make. It's OK to say when you have had enough, especially if your h will not get any help or take responsibility.

Again, welcome to BPD family! We will walk through this with you.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[once removed]

hi Isaboo, and

i moved your post to this board because in terms of the support youre seeking, and logistically speaking, its easier to start on the Bettering board until youre a good month or so out of the relationship. we can help you here with an exit plan if youre done with the relationship.

what is the arrangement at the moment? are the two of you living together?

[Red5]

Hello isaboo, and welcome!

I’ve got a few more book recommendations for you,

*Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship -
Book by Shari Y. Manning

*Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life –
by Margalis Fjelstad

*I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality –
by Jerold J. Kreisman

*Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself –
by Melody Beattie

As is “Stop Walking on Eggshells”... several of these books are on YouTube as audiobooks... for convenience sake, and quick usability, assesability...

Kind Regards, Red5

[Isaboo]

Thank you all!  Sorry I posted in the wrong place.  No I never moved in with him.  Logistically speaking, it was not practical in the beginning and then he showed his true colors and I just could never bring myself to do so.  Now I think that this was a blessing.  My family and friends have said all along that he was trying to isolate me, but I think he is just so empty feeling inside that he wants someone by his side all the time.  I kept telling him that I could not be his sole source of happiness.  I told him that is just too much responsibility for anyone to take on.  All those old cliches like you have to be OK with yourself before you can be with anyone else are true.  He is not OK.  Anyway, I know all this stuff logically in my head, but my heart still hurts.  I will download those other books.  Thank you for the recommendations.

[I Am Redeemed]

Yes, it probably was a blessing that you did not give up your own space. It sounds like he was pressuring you to give up everything that made you independent so you could be absorbed and enmeshed into his life. It's good that you recognized his attempts to make you the sole source of his happiness. You are correct that that is not healthy nor possible, but many partners of pwBPD find themselves running in circles trying to do just that, which leads to depression and burnout for the non BPD partner.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist next week. Many of us here find that to be a crucial part of self care when dealing with a BPD relationship, whether the r/s is current or in the past.

[Isaboo]

Thank you and I love your name.  It is very helpful to realize that there are many others who have been in this situation. 

[Red5]

*No I never moved in with him. 

*… and then he showed his true colors,

*Now I think that this was a blessing. 

*My family and friends have said all along that he was trying to isolate me, but I think he is just so empty feeling inside that he wants someone by his side all the time. 

*All those old clichés like you have to be OK with yourself before you can be with anyone else are true. 

Good morning from the east coast Isaboo, there is another "old cliché"… 'trust your gut' !

It will never lead you astray, this "gut feeling" is ingrained into us all, its part of the "inner warning/hypersensitive system"… we all have within us, part chemical (neurological / nervous system), and part spiritual… its part of our inner warning system… "flight-fight-freeze-fawn"… the result of thousands of years of 'DNA' programing…

Yes, trust your gut feeling… and beware the 'cognitive dissonance'… 

Ever just "get a feeling"… a 'chill'… the very first inner response to something… sometimes it is even electrifying… ie' the hair on your neck, or arm stands up, wow & trust this!

Our minds (brain), our heart (soul / spirit) will also sometimes try to override our "gut feelings" (warnings)… but the older we get, the more life experiences… if we should survive into middle age, old age… look back .. and you will see how many times your gut feeling was right on target about a myriad of things…

Sounds like you have a good edge here, as Granny used to say, "you've got a good head on your shoulders"… the most important thing you can do, is to continue your self education in regards to these cluster "B" type of disorders, BPD, npd, hpd & (levels of) psychosis etc'… read those books, learn here, learn from others (endless stories, personal accounts) and as well follow your own path… knowledge is power… if you've lost your power (awareness), then take it back!

Be alive, and live! 

Kind Regards, Red5

[Isaboo]

Thanks so much!  My Gut is saying RUN mainly mixed with some guilt and sadness.  I think I am going to make a divorce playlist with songs like Tom Petty's "Don't Come Around Here No More" and Billy Joel's "I'm moving out"- not that I ever moved in but y'all get the point.   Maybe even some country like "Here's a Quarter Call Someone Who Cares."   I am open to fun suggestions with no musical taste judgment whatsoever.   Not trying to make light of the situation, but another cliche like laughter being the best medicine is true too. I am far from perfect, but I don't deserve this and my gut is saying its past time to cut bait.

[GaGrl]

Paul Simon's "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover."

[Isaboo]

Good one!  Slip out the back Jack, Make a new plan Stan... no need to discuss much!

[Red5]

The Rolling Stones - "It's All Over Now"… (insert Rolling Stones emoji here)

Red5

[Red5]

… two more : )

Tom Petty - "This One's For Me" … & "Swingin"

That album "Echo" is powerful !

… ok, back to work now Red5  !

Red5 ~> out

[Harri]

Anyway, I know all this stuff logically in my head, but my heart still hurts.

I think it was Red5 who mentioned cognitive dissonance.  Yes, this is not easy.   Being able to keep your sense of humor will help as long as you don't avoid (said by an expert avoider!)
 

I would also very much like to hear that there is life, love and happiness after divorcing someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

There is life, love and happiness after a divorce!  Many of our members have worked hard on recovery by learning better relationship tools that help them in life and in other relationships.  It is a lot of hard work but so worth it.

Glad to have you here   

[I Am Redeemed]

Eric Church, ''It's Just Over When It's Over''... Sad and true at the same time.

And yes, as Harri says, the work towards healing is so worth it.

[once removed]

the two of you are married, but have never lived together, do i have that right?

what is the plan in terms of serving him? do you want to have a "break the news" conversation with him? you mentioned you intend to go no contact.

[Isaboo]

All great songs!  Thanks!  I am not living with him but was spending every weekend and most Mondays and Fridays with him.  My partners have bent over backwards to let me work from his house.  I am seeing him this weekend, primarily because he has to work, but also he has his daughter this weekend.  She is in exams and I want to provide a good environment so that she can study- the basics like food and clean sheets and towels.     I don't intend on giving him any warning in person.  I just don't think that would go well at all.  I have threatened to leave before and even filed last year.  I don't think he will believe me and frankly I would probably wimp out in person.  So I plan on filing next week.  The sheriff will serve but I have no idea when they will get around to it so I will send him a note via text or email and just say that this is not working out for me and that he already knows all the reasons and then block him on my phone and Facebook/Messenger.  It seems very mean to me, but I cannot fix him.  He does not think he has behavioral problem and it does not seem like it would be a good idea for me to tell him that I think that he does.  I know all of this sounds very cold and its going to be really hard for me to do, but I honestly think I am looking down the barrel at many many miserable years.  I will pray for him everyday, but I can't stay married to him and I need to move on with my life.  I really hope he gets the help he needs and really do wish him well.  50% of the time he is a kind, funny, considerate, intelligent, sexy guy, but 50% of the time he is really really horrible.  My grandmother used to say that there are worse things then being single and I think she was right.   I just have a problem with that in sickness and in health part of my vows.  Yes it was said in front of Elvis at a Chapel in Vegas, but I still meant it when I said it.     

[I Am Redeemed]

What happened with the outburst and threatening your partners' lives? Was that the first incident you experienced that was over the top? You say you initially were not the target of his rages. Did he ever direct it towards you?

[SunandMoon]

Yes it was said in front of Elvis at a Chapel in Vegas, but I still meant it when I said it.

ROFL! You have a great sense of humour, Isaboo! 

Yes, it will be hard but you've got a good plan. Going NC is the best way to avoid the emotional fall out that will probably happen after. If you're done, you're done - no use going through more drama.

Add "Go Your Own Way" - Fleetwood Mac to your playlist 

[once removed]

I don't think he will believe me and frankly I would probably wimp out in person.  So I plan on filing next week.  The sheriff will serve but I have no idea when they will get around to it so I will send him a note via text or email and just say that this is not working out for me and that he already knows all the reasons and then block him on my phone and Facebook/Messenger.

the reason i ask...

hard no contact (or ghosting) can backfire in that the person on the receiving end may up the ante for answers, reconciliation, etc.

not having the conversation in person seems reasonable, if you dont see it being productive. sending a note cant hurt. it is often suggested to be vague (more or less) and blame free. one alternative to blocking (which can also cause a person to up the ante) is to route his emails to the trash so he has an outlet so to speak, but youre not exposed to it.

youre also entering into a divorce with a high conflict person. you want to think steps ahead.

you mentioned seeing him this weekend? whats the plan?

[Isaboo]

Yes I have been the target of his rages (they are a lot like a child's tantrums but with very cutting comments), but I don't believe that he is will be physically violent towards me.  He never was violent in the 13 years he was married to his wife and he has not been towards me.  He has thrown my clothes around in front of me.  He has destroyed property (his own) when I was not with him and he destroyed his ex-wife's personal property when she filed for a divorce and keyed her father's car. (Things I wish I had known before I married him!) I am somewhat new here so maybe I did not understand "no contact."  I mean no talking with him and no more late night texts wherein he says mean stuff and I get no sleep.  I will have to ban him on facebook because even though I am not that active- he lives on it.   I have gone back and forth, but I do intend to let him email me at the email address that he knows.  My partners have banned him from the work email, but he knows and can use my gmail.  I guess I should tell him that that is how we should communicate if he would like to discuss anything further. 
I receive a ton of email and I don't think his emails will bother me too much because it will likely be days before I notice them.  I am also somewhat counting on his laziness and the two and half hour distance to make this less traumatic. 
So this weekend I am going over there and cleaning the house for his daughter and going to the grocery store.  He owns two small stores with late business hours and his manager just quit so I know he will be gone the great majority of the time.  I will be acting, but if I did not go this weekend I think he would know something was up and I want all my ducks in a row before I tell him.  The odds are that it will be a nice weekend because he does best when he is actually working and not ruminating.  When all is well with his business and all he has to do is sit around and think, things get ugly.  Thank you for the compliment!  I am trying to see the humorous side of this situation and prefer laughter with tears to no laughter at all.   

[Harri]

This thread has been split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336942.0