Should I be mad at my BPD/ narcissistic Mom's family for being mean?

[Cloudy009]

I really need advice on this. My Mom growing up was very abusive. My whole life her mother and my aunt would put me in charge as the oldest to take care of her. It got really bad when I got to be a pre teen and I started to make friends and had a boyfriend so she couldn't control me anymore before that I had no friends and barely spoke which is how she liked it. Almost every night she would physically attack me. She would sit on top of me and hold me down and smother my mouth so I couldn't breath. One time she sexually assaulted me by grabbing my crotch repeatedly while I begged her to stop. She would often then call the cops on me or call her parents to come scold me as if I were an out of control teen. One time she dragged me up  a hill by my hair to psychiatrist's office and knocked on the door with my hair still in her fist  when he opened it and he took me in as if I was the out control child.

 I moved in with my Dad during this time. I stopped talking to my Mom. My grandmother blamed it all on me and my Mom would use this for attention. I don't think she cared at the time about actually seeing me.

My dad was very abusive too and had me sue my Mom in high school for abuse. My grandparents showed up, relatives showed up but nobody believed me including the judge. When I told my Mom what she did she said my dad snuck into my room at night and whispered it all in my ear. Super creepy. Her energy is always a back and forth between so creepy I don't want her touching me to loving Mother.

Eventually I wound up talking to her again and her very large extended family but they left us out of joint vacations. Nobody asked about the abuse even though I would make faces which said "help me" when they took pictures so much that my one uncle would drop the camera and walk away.

 My cousin's started calling me "evil" , everyone would and does still shun me for the most part. The politely say hello but then ignore me now days except the ones who are married into the family  who actually took time to know me. For most of my 20's they were very mean. I'm 40 now.

I went to a wedding of a cousin I was close with as a kid and another cousin said "Everybody hates you. Why are you here? and then another cousin sat and bullied me the whole time while my brother who I usually get along with but was the golden child sat and watched. I cried the whole 7 hour drive home.

My grandmother who I like blames the family not liking me on me and says "oh I had a girlfriend like that nobody likes her either"  or she is still mad at me for showing up late to a Christmas party or reading a book while there and says thats why nobody likes me. I was a teenager at the time. When I did show up to parties my Mom would often wait until I was alone then pick a fight with me and then run into the other room with my aunt and grandmother and tell them how I was treating her bad and they would come scold me or give her money to take me shopping because "she never got to take me shopping because of my dad." so we would go and she would complain the whole time and sulk.

When my mother's sister ended up in a coma my Mom seduced the first boyfriend my aunt really had as an adult. My aunt raised her kids unlike my Mom who chased men. My Mom took off with him and married him right after she passed. The family finally saw this other side of her. I already knew well. I didn't even go see my aunt who I loved while she was in the hospital because I thought the whole family hated me and wouldn't want me there.

As I got older I learned to keep my mouth shut towards my Mom and have a casual relationship with her and got closer to my grandmother even though she blamed me. I started showing up for family events more and people were slightly nicer but still ignored me overall. My one uncle recently started bullying me to the point of tears because my Mom was acting crazy and I wanted to not sleep in a room with her he had assigned. Then he was super nice to my other cousin while giving me the silent treatment who was also not sleeping where asked.

 I had finally talked to these uncles and my grandmother about my Mom's abuse and while they blamed my dad for abusing my Mom they also for the first time somewhat believed me but they still ignore me.

 My Mom also started abusing my grandmother somewhat. She has gotten up in her face screaming and attacked her. My grandmother Mom and I went to the beach together and my Mom had a full melt down on her. My grandmother is very active but she in 92 and she thought she was having a heart attack and was calling 911 and my Mom came running at her with no pants or underwear on and wrestled the phone out of her hand so she couldn't call while screaming at her. This was just a small part of a huge meltdown. I literally am just the quiet bystander secretly trying to keep her calm. My uncle then called me as if it was my fault and said my grandmother is not allowed to go to the beach with me and my Mom again.

I did get mad at my uncle after when I brought up again my Mom's abuse after talking about it he just asked where the hell my brother is to help my Mom because my uncles are now afraid my Mom will run out of money and be homeless. They are all super wealthy but they keep trying to say my brother who makes little money needs to budget my Mom's money for her. Her behavior with them has become so bonkers now they don't want to deal with her and they are putting it on my brother.

Now my uncles have also decided my Mom should move in with my grandmother to look after her since my Mom is going broke. My grandmother told me my uncles told her not to talk to me about it because I would try to talk her out of it which makes me feel even more invalidated. It looks like its happening though my Mom is moving in but who knows how long it will last before my Mom attacks her and if she does my grandmother will prob. hide it as she always covers up for my Mom's behavior.

 My grandmother still expects things like me to invite the whole family to my my wedding which I will prob just get married in a courthouse. I can't afford a wedding. She still expects me to show up for the huge holiday parties where everyone is nice to me for a second then walks out of the room. She gets mad if I'm not there. I have always been shy, nice and loving to them all except the recent time I got mad at my uncle for bothering my brother. I always wanted them to love and accept me but its getting to be too much should I be mad at them and my grandmother for blaming me and treating me poorly too?  Its so painful to want a loving family and watch them all be loving with each other but shun me.  I keep thinking maybe I should explain the abuse from both my parents more and how painful it felt to be alienated from the family to my uncles but I don't know if I should just cut my losses and walk away. ?

[kiwigal]

I will write more soon.. but Im reading this and just wanted to express how heartbreaking this is and how angry I feel for you. Im so so sorry for how alienated and victimised you have been by these family dysfunctions and the trauma they've caused. You have been so courageous!

[Harri]

I keep thinking maybe I should explain the abuse from both my parents more and how painful it felt to be alienated from the family to my uncles but I don't know if I should just cut my losses and walk away. ?

Hi cloudy.  What you describe is a lot to deal with and try to process.  I think a good place to start is to see your family as a system where each person has their function, even if that function is dysfunctional.  Each person has their role and their own narrative as to what is going on.

There is not much we can do to get them to see our side when they themselves are caught up in the dysfunctional dynamic.  As a matter of fact, the more we try to explain and defend and get them to see, the worse we make our self look.  We are seen as the problem or at least treated that way because for them, we are threatening the system that works for them.

My suggestion is to work on detaching.  Work on you.  and yes, part of that means letting yourself feel anger, at least for a while.  Feel the anger, recognize it and how it affects your behaviors and then learn ways to channel it so you can use that as fuel in your own healing and detachment.

It is a process.

[Cloudy009]

kiwigal thanks! Your words were so good to hear.I've been carrying this burden so long alone.

Harri  thank you! Its hard to hear in some ways I need to process this anger alone and I can't use my voice to explain my side but you're right it will prob. only make me look more messed up. I guess I want loving supportive people in my life but I have to recognize I won't get that from family. It's hard because they are so loving and bonded with each other. I have like 20 cousins and their wives and their children. It's hard feeling so left out.