Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 19, 2019, 02:53:44 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Clinical research study - participants wanted ---> Click here
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familar, Flourdust, Mutt, Only Human, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, FaithHopeLoveKC, formflier, GaGrl, I Am Redeemed, itsmeSnap, Ozzie101, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Expert insight for adult children
101
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
How to spot a liar
Pamela Meyer
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Family drama.  (Read 87 times)
Browneyed89
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Sibling
Posts: 1


« on: May 15, 2019, 07:58:12 PM »

Hello hello!

I am so glad I find this forum. We are 3 sisters, my mom and my dad. Except for my dad we all had been told we have “traits” from BPD, however the only one with a formal diagnosis is my middle sister, I am the youngest.
My oldest and I, we both live on our own and have our own families. I live in another country.
My sister with BPD is living still under my parent’s help but on her own. There’s a lot of drama back home, every time my sister has a crisis, there’s a lot going on. I normally stay on my lane and find out after several days what happened. But lately, there’s a lot of drama involved and they call me constantly.
My oldest sister is tired of it, she gets yelled and hurt every time there’s a crisis and my mom always tries to involve her.
I completely understand where my sister is coming from cause these problems happened since we were little and my middle sister was very abusive at times to me too.
My main issue now, is I don’t know what to say. I get calls from everyone and I am really not good at helping. My mom
Is suffering cause my sisters are fighting over this and I am just on the phone listening to everyone.
What’s the right approach?
Logged
2019 Fund Drive Ends June 30th - Please help
This site is run by people who get it - for people who need it. It's important to keep this effort alive. I have recommended BPDFamily in my book "Self-help that works". Thoughtful articles. Excellent book reviews. An intelligent message-board for personal support. Bravo.
You are making a difference.
311
HappyChappy
********
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 1294



« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2019, 10:51:30 AM »

Hey Browneyed89,

That’s a big opening question. A good question. The answer really depends on so many things, but there are known tools that should help with that. When I first left home, I got daily phone calls from my BPD in hysterics who was always at her “wits ends”. I find using S.E.T. helps, this stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. So by listening it may sooth your BPD, but be careful not to be drawn into the drama and pitted against your sisters etc... A BPD has black and white thinking, so you're either with her or against her. I do remember doing lost of “Oh I know,  really !, You don’t say ?” platitudes that point out you’re listening and being supportive, whilst being truthful. I hope that helps, sometimes context helps encourage a response on here.

Another tool is don't J.A.D.E i.e. justify, argue, defend. Meaning a BPD is looking to kick of an argument, so don't let them. That how to stop the circular arguments where a BPD (who will refuse to accept something) so they just kick off the same sorry old argument until they've worn you down into submission. So if my  BPD said "Don't you agrea with me ?" in stead of saying I don't agree (guaranteeing an argument) you can change the subject or just ask a question back , I tend to use humour, because that always throws my BPD of the track. I hope that helps.
Logged

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3111



« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2019, 11:36:42 AM »

Hi Browneyed89,

So everyone else is trying to suck you into the drama  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) 

You could limit how often you answer the phone (Slow things down/Set a boundary)...maybe answer once a day vs. every time it rings.

You can deflect not just by humor like Happy Chappy (and he's good at it/often cracks me up Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)), you could also ask questions vs. trying to solve everyone's problem...Really? Why do you think she said that? or What do you think she will do next? or What resources are available?  or What if she doesn't want you to do that?  Basically you are both allowing the person to vent but are putting the problem solving back on them. If you can't think of something to say sometimes I just use "Wow".  Wow, she really did that? said that?

You could also try validating the other person's feelings I'm sorry she said XYZ that must have hurt your feelings which takes me back to asking questions...Why do you think she said that? What did you say?

You can also just be honest and ask them to keep you out of it...Hey mom/sis I'm sorry all of this is going on but I'm really not in a position to help from here, let me know what you work out. (put it back on them)

I also wanted to share information on the Karpman Triangle because I'm hearing a lot of triangulation in your story (link below)...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

The goal is to get off the Triangle.

Glad you've jumped in and joined us  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Panda39
Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2019?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2018-2019 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
2020
_EndofLine_
12years
40days_in_desert
55books
99tesla
Aegina
Akiah
AKV
AnalogGuy
Andrew Towle
Angie59
AnuDay
apocalypsenow
AriesTears
aslowrealization
Astray
At Bay
babyducks
Baglady
Barnabus
batcon
beatrixkiddo
BeenThereB4
BetterLanes
Bittlecat
Ble55ed
BobbyLongshot
BobsBurger
BodieMarie
Boll Weevil
Boll2017
BorisAcusio
btfly745
BuckeyHusband
busybee1116
Butch13
Caco Canepa
Cat Familiar
ccjaxmom
ccpow
chayka
Chelle3
chillamom
chump
Chynna
Circle
CissyG
cj488
clawingout
ClearPath
clvrnn
ConcernedFather
confusedinco
CookieMonster80
Copycat2018
coworkerfriend
crestfallen72
CryWolf
Deb
defogging
devnid
DharmaGate
Dotner
DoubleBP2018
Doughboy
drained1996
DriftlessRider
dumpsterdog
Duped 1
eeps
eggshelldad
Ela2011
Elpis51
Enjoysnooker
Estraven
Ex-Mother-In-Law
Eye438
FaithHopeLoveKC
fb97
Feeling Better
Fie
findingmyselfagain
Firstintime
ForeverDad
ForeverDevoted
Fossil49
Fragileweed
Francesca92
freespirit
gettingoverit
gloveman
gorges
gotbushels
Greta1988
Hadenoughtimes4
HappyChappy
HarborBP
Harri
Help_WifeIsCrazy
Hope26
hope2727
Hope80
houseofelvis
Hyacinth Bucket
I Am Redeemed
IamWoman
Iloveher
incadove
Isanni
Jaaj61
JayJay220
jdc
JeanGenie
Jerome Finn
JoeBPD81
joeramabeme
joinedtheclub
jones54
Jonthan
just me.
k-bliss
kabunk
KarlTOO
Kwamina
Lbjnltx
Leaf
Leah66
Learning Fast
Learnnow
Libra
LilMe
Long_term_dad
Lovelycat
lovenature
Loving a BP
loyalwife
lpheal
Luan
Lucky Jim
mama-wolf
mamaof9
Manifest32f
Maniplus
Maple
Margarete
maried
Markey
MARS22
MeandThee29
mggt
mims
mmelibrarian
Momofadultbpd
Mousse
mscj
mumabear
Mutt
naturalturn
ncDaisy2
nedley
needPeace
Needs Help
NGU
no_more_guilt
nomodrama
NorseWoman
Northern girl
NorthernGirl
Notgoneyet
OffRoad
Omega1
Only Human
otherlife
Pam Letgo
Panda39
peaceandlove
PeacefulMom
PeaceMom
Penny_JJ
Pina colada
prof
ProudDad12
Pugman
purpletrixie
QBert
qcarolr
quietgirl
Radcliff
Raul
Red5
RedRyder
Reforming
ReluctantSurvivor
risingup4
robotss
Rocko
RolandOfEld
Sad4Her
Scarlet Phoenix
schwing
SCM
Scottie345
scrambledbeans
seahorse
seekerofgrace
Seekinghelp25
SES
SkellyII
Skip
sklamath
SkyAntoine
smallbluething
Solidshadow
Soulslider
Spam591
spero
Steps31
Stevenson
still around
stimpy
stolencrumbs
StressedOutDaily
SuCanDo
Sumsaam
Sunshine4494
SweetCharlotte
sweetheart
Sweetpea18
Swimmy55
taoyr2000
tbone1689
Teno
terranova79
theschnitz
tinker0608
Tinkerbelle
trappeddad
TRB
trumpetjazzman
Tsultan
twocrazycats
TylersMom
utnapishtim428
Vanilla Sky
Vexed
Want2Know
Waveney
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
whirlpoollife
Whoad
why-how-whatnow
WileyCoyote
wilting
WindofChange
WitzEndWife
Woolspinner2000
Yaffle
zemara
Zen606
zoome46

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!