PART 2: Is there hope for my relationship with my (possibly) BPD partner?

[GoodMan]

Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336200.0

It’s not working.

I’m trying now to stand firm where we are at and looking into the tools here.

Her first offense maneuver is to run. How do I control that?

How do I keep my family together?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

You can't control her staying or leaving. That ball is in her court. If she's determined to leave, you can't stop her. As in any part of life, there are things you can control and things you can't. There's a great deal of value in recognizing the difference.

What you can do is try to improve your own behavior and reactions. Listen with empathy (but don't validate the invalid). Love her. Support her (without breaking your own boundaries). There are a lot of tools here, some of which have been shared.

Strengthening and repairing a relationship is a slow process that takes time. You may not see results right away. But many members here (including yours truly) have eventually had some very bad situations turn around. It just takes time and patience.

Now, that's not a guarantee that it will work or that she won't leave. As I said, you don't have control over that. But even if she were to leave, wouldn't having those new relationship skills still be a benefit to you?

[GoodMan]

I’m not thinking that there is an easy answer.

She obviously that leaking bucket. I was a bucket like that for a long long time.

I don’t want to loose my family and I know I can’t control it.

I’m a strong man. But. I never thought I’d need to coping mechanism for this kind of loss. I’m not sure how to do this.

What do I do next? Just go day by day and watch it all disappear?

[once removed]

what is going on between you and your wife currently, Goodman?

you had a good night, there was some underlying tension, and you asked a friend to remove your ex.

what are your interactions like in the past few days?

[GoodMan]

She’s freezing me out.

We had a great night. Everything was awesome. I mentioned my friend and his name triggered her.

She’s gone into her shut him out mode.

I was quietly uninvited to her Mother’s Day family stuff.

I’m no longer family I guess.

My support system is out of patience and telling me to let it go.

[GoodMan]

Less chilly today.

But still cold.

I’ve been going over this with my support system. They keep reminding me that this would be inevitable. Unless she gets help someday she’d leave. I will loose her no matter what.

Taking every day by day.

[SunandMoon]

I’ve been going over this with my support system. They keep reminding me that this would be inevitable. Unless she gets help someday she’d leave. I will loose her no matter what.

Not necessarily, Good Man. She's still there, she hasn't run. You even had an "awesome night" recently.

I would really dig into the tools here and start practicing these skills. They can really make a big difference in turning your relationship around and changing unhealthy patterns.

[GoodMan]

I’ve been reading through the tools here and I’ve read stop walking on eggshells like 4 times.

I’m listening attentively even though she’s not saying a lot  I’m not showing any of my pain about the things she’s doing to protect her self that hurt me. I’m not allowing her to see that what she’s doing is pushing my buttons and killing me. Showing that she can do these things but my personal limit is to not allow it to hurt me and I will just keep going.

My therapist is getting an ear full.

Can anyone point out tools I can or should be using in this situation?

Does anyone have any suggestions on dealing with my loss? I don’t seem to be good at that. I have buddies that just let girls go like it’s noting. It takes me forever to get though things like this.

[GoodMan]

I went and spent sometime with my best friend and his family while my pwBPD GF was hanging with her daughter for mother’s day.

He and his wife are smart and supportive of me and my situation.

I went over the last few months with them and they brought up that the work on the relationship is very one sided. I’m in therapy, she’s not. I’m making time to talk out or issues, she avoiding. I do the hundreds of things she “needs” to be comfortable in our relationship and home and she just adds more once I get them down.

They brought up the point the it lays out a very painful and mentally abusive future for me if she doesn’t start to recognize the issue and start to work on the underlying issue.

I’m starting to agree. I love her, but do I want to be a punching bag?

[once removed]

Can anyone point out tools I can or should be using in this situation?

i think the most important aspect when it comes to the tools is that they are really more of a lifestyle approach...more of an overall fire prevention approach than putting out each individual fires. because when you love a highly sensitive person, there are going to be fires.

I’m listening attentively even though she’s not saying a lot

what is she saying? in her words.

My therapist is getting an ear full.

what is your therapist saying? in your therapists words.

[GoodMan]

She’s saying that she feels like I don’t have her back and I’m a lier. She can’t trust me. She’s done everything to forgive me but she can’t. She can’t trust my friends because they are liars too. Shes interrogated many of the and got no answers because she’s made up in her head a lot of the details. She says they are lying to protect me. She’s sad so she’s leaving me because I deserve better and she wants to stop feeling this way. She doesn’t acknowledge all of the other things making her sad because she doesn’t have any control over them . She says she can’t leave right now and I’ll need to just deal with it.

She brings up the same incidents from the past. Then adds things that never happened that she’s come up with on her own.

I’m most hurt by the “You don’t have my back” comment. I have nothing  but her back. It wasn’t until I went over it with my friends thatI realized that  I’m busting my ass to make sure everything she says she needs is hers. She is literally my sole purpose at times

My therapist likes the development and change to my moral concepts and how I address her needs but is concerned that I’m allowing her to walk all over me.

It took some time for me to break into what about me was causing the behavior.

Right now I’m working on excepting the loss of my family.
I’m thinking that this way my attitude will make her understand that threatening to leave is my personal limit. Stay and work on you and us or leave if that is what you want.

[GoodMan]

Update...

Came home after two days spent with her mother who is taking care of her hospice grandmother.

Very personable and friendly. Upset about the stress there and her dying grandmother.

She was wearing the necklace I got her for her birthday and the earrings I got her for mother’s day.

Seems ok today.

These ups and downs and the possible loss of my family are getting to me. At the Dr now getting anxiety meds.

Don’t know what to think or do...

[Ozzie101]

The ups and downs really do leave your head spinning, don't they? I've been there. And, like you, my uBPDh would sometimes invent things (or twist things so badly they might as well have been invented) that I'd done wrong. And "you don't have my back?" SOO familiar. Thankfully, we've been able to get to a better place on that. A lot of it came down, in our case, to miscommunication. PwBPD in some ways use a different language. It can take time and a lot of listening and understanding for nons to learn that language themselves.

My therapist likes the development and change to my moral concepts and how I address her needs but is concerned that I’m allowing her to walk all over me.

How do you feel about what your therapist said?

[GoodMan]

Talking about it more today.

I’m going to draw specific boundaries now with my pwBPD.

I agree with the therapist . The thing is for me is that we were in couples Therepy and she was listing all my issues that create the environment that she can’t deal with. I spent so much time just agreeing and curbing my habits, actions and thinking processes to make it better for her it got a little out of hand.

I’m at a point where I almost want her to leave. I can’t believe I’m saying that.

[Ozzie101]

That's good that you're going to set some boundaries.

What you wrote sounds very familiar to me. We never did couples therapy, but for so long, I focused solely on his wants and needs and feelings, trying to adjust my own behaviors to suit him. In the process, I started to lose myself. One thing my therapist has really focused on with me is paying attention to my feelings and being able to voice those with him (in a constructive way that he'll receive). It's easy to fall into that trap of making your life revolve around her. You can't keep that up forever. Eventually, something has to give.

I’m at a point where I almost want her to leave. I can’t believe I’m saying that.

I'm so sorry, GoodMan. I know that feeling and it's not a good one. I was there several months ago.  I've heard the same thing from many other members.

What boundaries are you thinking of drawing? How do you plan to do that?

[GoodMan]

Well because we’re where we are in our relationship, I’m not going to allow my fear of loosing her to control me. She has admitted in the past that she uses that to hit me where she knows I’m weak.

So if she says she’s leaving I’m holding her to it if she wants to stay it means working on the relationship. I’m not going to sacrifice more to keep her here just to watch her walk away again.

I’m going to start living my life for me. Have some more joy. I have made mistakes but I’m not a punching bag to be taken advantage of.

I will support her in everything she needs. I love her. But I need to take care of my self a bit..

[Ozzie101]

Good for you for taking care of yourself.  And it's good that you're not going to allow her to control you. Her threats to leave have worked for her in the past. As long as they keep working, she'll keep using them as a weapon. Don't be surprised if you get extinction bursts from her when you start sticking to your boundaries. Just hold your ground with compassion and empathy but firmness. That's key if you want to have any hope for the relationship.

[once removed]

So if she says she’s leaving I’m holding her to it
...
I’m going to start living my life for me.

this is an approach for detaching from a relationship.

is that the goal?

[GoodMan]

Well.

What are my options. She uses leaving as an attack. I don’t want to detach because I just learned not to attach. But if that is what she threatens and that is what her plan is. What should I do.

I will still love her unconditionally always. But I can’t let it kill
Me every time she threatens to leave and this time might be the time.

What are your thoughts?

[GoodMan]

Edit to the last...


Learned “to” attach...

This is the first woman in many many years I let in.  I was pretty closed off for 20 years or so.

[once removed]

But if that is what she threatens and that is what her plan is. What should I do.

certainly you cant stop her from making the threats, and i agree that you shouldnt live your life in fear of the threats.

that doesnt mean call her bluff or "hold her to it".

ideally, the relationship moves toward a healthier trajectory, where the two of you can discuss these things in a time of calm, and you can share that you think that threats to leave the relationship are harmful to the relationship.

i realize that might be a ways off, but if it can be done, thats why a big picture approach is really necessary to improving the relationship. where theres trust, there can be teamwork when it comes to tackling conflict together.

what is going on in your relationship in the past few days? where do things stand?

[GoodMan]

Understood. But we’re barely talking. We’re being polite but she is very distant. We are currently in a break up crisis and I’m just waiting for her to leave.

For the last couple of days she’s been at her moms helping here with her dying grandmother. I have been supportive and checking in but giving her her space. She has been quiet and checking in rarely.

Today she came home and we worried together to get the pool open.

If we were nice and tight together, loving and caring and intimate you wouldn’t even see there was an issue.

[GoodMan]

Please give me an example of how to respond.

[once removed]

Please give me an example of how to respond.

to what, specifically?

if her grandmother is dying, it is likely there is very little room for anything else; at the same time, she may be all over the place in terms of her interactions with you. people with BPD traits dont handle stress well.

you mention supporting her and also giving her space, and her being quiet but checking in.

can you be more specific? what are the interactions like? what is being said and done?

[GoodMan]

can you be more specific? what are the interactions like? what is being said and done?

They are quiet and reserved.

Watching TV and eating together when we can. We cleaned the pool together. 

We have her daughter every other week so the focus is the kiddo. She asks me what my work weeks is like and asks me to hang with her daughter when she is working.

I'm being supportive and giving her space which is something she demands.

No intimacy or anything. She seems very focused. I am and always will be here for her if she needs me.

I am trying not to let her stating that she is leaving kill me. My Dr upped my meds because my BP was 198/96 so I'm a bit weighed down by the zoloft. When I'm anxious I babble. The meds are seemingly helping me though that.

I just want to understand how to respond to "I'm leaving you because I am tired of not trusting you"

[GoodMan]

Update...

Somewhat of a 180 on her attitude this week.

Being very nice and sweet and working together on situations.

Long term bills for the house being discussed whatcha I’m surprised about due to the statement that she is leaving.

Is a change like this normal? .

[once removed]

Goodman,

Somewhat of a 180 on her attitude this week.
..
Is a change like this normal?

BPD is a disorder of emotions that swing wildly back and forth. it is characterized by black and white thinking, and in an intimate relationship, that may look like being the hero one moment, and the bad guy the next.

if you get lost in the back and forth, the relationship will swallow you whole. it takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BPD relationship and not be emotionally wounded by it.

ideally, what you want to do, right now, is to actively build on the good times between you, and to cope with the bad. thats an over simplification, but what i mean is that you dont want to just wing it or you will find yourself walking on eggshells never knowing what to expect.

I just want to understand how to respond to "I'm leaving you because I am tired of not trusting you"

i dont know if there is a simple answer for this. 

the larger picture of what is going on here is much bigger:

1. she says this because, as shes told you, she knows that it will cause a reaction.

2. trust has deteriorated significantly, over time, in your relationship.

in the simplest terms, you want to build trust in your relationship, over time, and to the extent that its possible (pwBPD traits have inherent trust issues), and you also want to nip threats to end the relationship in the bud.

3. complicating all of that right now, significantly, is that she is grieving and anticipating the death of her grandmother.

it sounds right now, like she is leaning on you. my advice would be to be there, be her rock, and support her as much as possible without smothering her. it will help build trust in your relationship, at least in the short term.

but at the same time, you should anticipate wild mood swings, and perhaps even increased threats, and that even in the best of times, the problems in your relationship will not evaporate over night, and will be there even after she has grieved for her grandmother.

does that make sense?

[mart555]

I recommend this book:  https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

It should help you clarify quite a few things in your head..

[GoodMan]

does that make sense?

Yes. It does.

That’s what I’m shooting for right now.

My support system is telling me that I need to harden up for the possible loss.

Trust goes both ways so I can’t trust her with my future as of now.

I’m taking it day by day. Trying to stay solid for me and for her and the kiddo. But I need to stay sane. Just waiting for her to leave is killing me.

[GoodMan]

I recommend this book:  https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

It should help you clarify quite a few things in your head..

Thanks I just picked it up.