Heavy Heart

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It is with extreme sadness that I have come back on these boards but the reality is I have nowhere else to go. People who have followed my story may remember that I finally split up from my wife some months ago after getting involved with a woman who I suspected may have NPD traits.

There was an initial honeymoon period with the woman in question following my split from my wife. We never quite captured the halcyon days of our initial union, while I was still married, but I put this down tot he stress I was under and also we were together for over six months by this time and we had seen each other in all our respective glories and otherwise.

We had an awful lot in common. Shared a love of the arts and matched each other’s emotional intensity. On the face of it we were a good match for each other, except one day I triggered a childhood wound and she physically attacked me. I tried to draw boundaries and the first time it happened she was apologetic but later blamed me for my unreasonable behaviour towards her. We got into a toxic pattern where whatever I said to her I’m my defence she would twist and say that I wasn’t owning up to my part in arguments. I said it was hard to do that when she was constantly calling me a Narcissist and telling me that I was the aggressive, unreasonable one.

This pattern continued in our relationship over the next few months but we had a couple of truly wonderful road trips to the coast. One day when she was calm and laying in my arms she told me that she was sorry for everything she had put me through and realised that I wasn’t a Narcissist but that her head told her lies about me. I told her that since we are both in AA and I was now free to love her, that I felt truly optimistic about our future. We both agreed that we had never felt this way before.

The very next day she manufactured an argument with me which her 17 year old daughter witnessed and once again physically attacked me. Her poor daughter came into the bedroom and pulled her mother outside to calm her down. I sat there trembling, not sure what to do. I stayed as I knew leaving her house was a major trigger and I told her that we could work through the issues. She told me that it was her childhood wound being triggered (her mother abused her psychologically and used to beat her) and I held her close to me. The next day her daughter said that she never wanted to see her mother attacking me again and that she needed help. I smoothed it over and said her mother and I would both go to therapy to unpick the dynamic of our relationship. That seemed to please her daughter and my partner was full of love.

Then a few weeks ago my brother in law died suddenly. We were out having a lovely day when I got the awful news. My partner was initially understanding but seemed jealous that I was taking a lot of phone calls and had to contact my estranged wife. My partner begged me not push her away and I assured her that I wasn’t doing that but just had to tell people.

In the lead up to the funeral my gf became emotionally dysregulated and started devaluing me and the relationship. We went away for a weekend together and she started screaming at me as I was driving that I didn’t love her. I shouted at her back and she spat at me and punched me, causing me to swerve and almost crash. I pulled off the motorway and tried to drop her off at the nearest train station saying it was too dangerous to drive. She refused to get out and I told her not to speak to me until we reached our destination. We managed to have an ok weekend despite this terrifying incident but I was becoming ever more alarmed.

Fast forward to the funeral last Thursday and she hounded me with texts all day accusing me of not caring about her. It was a deeply sad day and the love of my family made me realise how messed up this relationship was becoming. My estranged wife was very upset and I comforted her and started to think I’d made a terrible mistake, but kept it to myself.

When I got home that night I told my gf that she needed to be understanding on this sad day and received a mouthful of abuse for my trouble. She then cut off all communication and I haven’t heard from her since. A sorry tale.

RF

[RomanticFool]

It is with extreme sadness that I have come back on these boards but the reality is I have nowhere else to go. People who have followed my story may remember that I finally split up from my wife some months ago after getting involved with a woman who I suspected may have NPD traits.

There was an initial honeymoon period with the woman in question following my split from my wife. We never quite captured the halcyon days of our initial union, while I was still married, but I put this down tot he stress I was under and also we were together for over six months by this time and we had seen each other in all our respective glories and otherwise.

We had an awful lot in common. Shared a love of the arts and matched each other’s emotional intensity. On the face of it we were a good match for each other, except one day I triggered a childhood wound and she physically attacked me. I tried to draw boundaries and the first time it happened she was apologetic but later blamed me for my unreasonable behaviour towards her. We got into a toxic pattern where whatever I said to her I’m my defence she would twist and say that I wasn’t owning up to my part in arguments. I said it was hard to do that when she was constantly calling me a Narcissist and telling me that I was the aggressive, unreasonable one.

This pattern continued in our relationship over the next few months but we had a couple of truly wonderful road trips to the coast. One day when she was calm and laying in my arms she told me that she was sorry for everything she had put me through and realised that I wasn’t a Narcissist but that her head told her lies about me. I told her that since we are both in AA and I was now free to love her, that I felt truly optimistic about our future. We both agreed that we had never felt this way before.

The very next day she manufactured an argument with me which her 17 year old daughter witnessed and once again physically attacked me. Her poor daughter came into the bedroom and pulled her mother outside to calm her down. I sat there trembling, not sure what to do. I stayed as I knew leaving her house was a major trigger and I told her that we could work through the issues. She told me that it was her childhood wound being triggered (her mother abused her psychologically and used to beat her) and I held her close to me. The next day her daughter said that she never wanted to see her mother attacking me again and that she needed help. I smoothed it over and said her mother and I would both go to therapy to unpick the dynamic of our relationship. That seemed to please her daughter and my partner was full of love.

Then a few weeks ago my brother in law died suddenly. We were out having a lovely day when I got the awful news. My partner was initially understanding but seemed jealous that I was taking a lot of phone calls and had to contact my estranged wife. My partner begged me not push her away and I assured her that I wasn’t doing that but just had to tell people.

In the lead up to the funeral my gf became emotionally dysregulated and started devaluing me and the relationship. We went away for a weekend together and she started screaming at me as I was driving that I didn’t love her. I shouted at her back and she spat at me and punched me, causing me to swerve and almost crash. I pulled off the motorway and tried to drop her off at the nearest train station saying it was too dangerous to drive. She refused to get out and I told her not to speak to me until we reached our destination. We managed to have an ok weekend despite this terrifying incident but I was becoming ever more alarmed.

Fast forward to the funeral last Thursday and she hounded me with texts all day accusing me of not caring about her. It was a deeply sad day and the love of my family made me realise how messed up this relationship was becoming. My estranged wife was very upset and I comforted her and started to think I’d made a terrible mistake, but kept it to myself.

When I got home that night I told my gf that she needed to be understanding on this sad day and received a mouthful of abuse for my trouble. She then cut off all communication and I haven’t heard from her since. A sorry tale.

RF

[Beneck]

Hey Romantic Fool! 

She then cut off all communication and I haven’t heard from her since.

So, how long is that?

[zachira]

I am sorry you are hurting from having a relationship with a woman who at first seemed to be the perfect fit until she started devaluing you when you had to deal with a family tragedy.

[RomanticFool]

Beneck, it was three days. I emailed her yesterday and she tried to behave as if nothing had happened, reinstating me on WhatsApp but she refuses to engage in any conversation around the issue. I am debating whether to block her from all communication.

Thanks Zachira.

[Beneck]

I emailed her yesterday and she tried to behave as if nothing had happened, reinstating me on WhatsApp but she refuses to engage in any conversation around the issue.

I'd avoid mentioning that, for now. It's very likely that it's causing lots of internal shame in her, which could be why she's acting like it never happened. I'd suggest a light, casual approach, but without being a doormat, of course.

I am debating whether to block her from all communication.

Going NC is an option, but I think it should be done when you have for sure decided that this relationship is not for you. If you do wish to go that way, make sure to let her know first that you're going NC, as well as why (healing etc).

If you 2 are still together, there's the option of posting in the bettering board to try to improve things (such as your actions and reactions to what she does) and see where it can go. But it's up to you.

What do you think?