Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:12:16 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Part 2: Unhealthy attractions  (Read 381 times)
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« on: March 23, 2019, 04:33:33 PM »

Mod note:  part 1 is here   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324276.0;all


After many months of interacting with this man, I believe he meets the criteria for BPD and has some narcissistic traits. I see and interact with him infrequently. I now really see my part in seeking out people who are like my family members whom I expect to give me the love I never got. Recently I met a man who has similar life challenges like the first man had, yet there is a big difference as he is willing to do what it takes to understand his part in why things have not turned out so well in his relationships with others. I keep making progress in having the confidence to accept people who are capable of having loving friendships and/or relationships, and what a difference! I will always though have to be careful knowing my history and have to take time to get to know people. What has helped more than anything is following my therapist's advice to stay present in the moment with people and notice my feelings.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2019, 09:30:27 PM by Harri » Logged

JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2019, 07:07:11 PM »



I now really see my part in seeking out people who are like my family members whom I expect to give me the love I never got.

It’s weird, but it makes sense if you think about it. My therapist has taught me to trust my intuition as well. I never believed that it was a real thing.
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2019, 09:17:50 AM »

I'm with you guys on this. One of the issues that felt true for me with my relationship with my BP ex was that I got to play the role of the parents I wish I had. Sometimes it sucks to confront the idea that we had subconscious yearnings eerily similar to the BP's 'black hole'.

Rofl I feel for your intuition JNChell. Good that you're listening more to this secret helper. 

zachira lots of us here are trying not to repeat our histories by slipping into the fantasies we held from our FOO's. So you're not alone on this one.   well done too of getting to understand a similar yet different individual. I personally find it revealing when I meet such a person and understand them.

A good well done on knowing more about the love you never got. Can you identify more of what the love you were looking for there was tangibly; so you can gift it to yourself? I'll go first- I spoil myself with some of my favourite things- and I'm happy to do it without a BP in my life. 
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2019, 12:24:38 PM »

Gotbushels
Thank you for taking so much time to listen and help me in this challenging journey. In response to your question: I believe I am now able to give more of the love I never got to myself. Part of the journey is loving myself no matter what is going on, letting go of the shame, while loving others who are capable of reciprocating the affection and loving feelings. I now have some wonderful friends where the give and take is balanced and healthy. The first step though is to love myself which involves being present with my body sensations, feelings, and thought as much as possible instead of living a life disassociated from myself. I have had years of therapy to deal with my chronic disassociation and inability to stay present in the moment. I was left in the crib for most of the day as a baby and had to fend for myself. My mother, and both grandmothers, never have had the capacity to enjoy a baby, and notice what a baby needs. The hardest part was doing EMDR therapy in which I was forced to be present while I processed a lifetime of painful memories. I now try to meditate every day and process any uncomfortable feelings before they become too overwhelming, which in past could mean many days and weeks of feelings depressed, anxious, disassociated, and unable to really get much done. My therapist encouraged me to be present when I was with this man. I now recognize that I was disassociating in his presence and when I was fantasizing about him. A few weeks ago, this man told me how much he missed me when I was traveling, and in the past this would have led to hours of fantasizing about him. I told him that I did not believe him, and he insisted on what he said was true. When I came back from my trip, he actually treated me quite badly, and I was able to face the truth instead of seeing this as another opportunity to get the love I never got from someone similar to my mother with BPD. I still fantasize about him some, though I feel no attraction for him when I see him. I believe that I continue to fantasize about him, as I do not have a loving introject from childhood, a parent that loved me unconditionally, so I need someone to be in that spot. My challenges now are to keep following my passions and building a life of love around me, and perhaps someday I will not need the fantasy man to be there. I also might attract a nice man. The one I am currently talking to that there is a mutual attraction with does not inspire obsessing and feeling I have to have him. Whatever happens with him, I do not think I will be overwhelmed or feel a need to drop everything to be with him. It is such a big shift to go from being obsessed with someone to enjoying being attracted while having healthy boundaries.
Logged

gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2019, 11:16:48 AM »

zachira  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Of course a lot of what we discussed was information I was gifted by members on your thread- the community is the one to thank.     - and you're most welcome. 

Please don't forget to credit yourself because I'm sure you're aware of the self-resources required to get through difficult things in therapy over an extended period of time. I want to hold that out as a very good thing you've done for your long term goals. Goals toward emotional wellbeing and even good health.

Part of the journey is loving myself no matter what is going on, letting go of the shame, while loving others who are capable of reciprocating the affection and loving feelings. I now have some wonderful friends where the give and take is balanced and healthy.
Outstanding news zachira. I hope you reap the rewards of this compassionate way of treating yourself.

I now try to meditate every day and process any uncomfortable feelings before they become too overwhelming, which in past could mean many days and weeks of feelings depressed, anxious, disassociated, and unable to really get much done.
Excellent idea zachira. I think this will only empower you with greater control of your life. I think it was Kerr and Bowen who mention that man has great struggles observing himself- and you're doing these often difficult observations of your emotional life to improve your life and relationships. Right on!

Keep building that life of love and thank you for sharing your wonderful growth story. Enjoy your peace. 
Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2019, 11:36:07 AM »

Hey, z. From what I’ve learned, I spent the first 6-7 months in a RC orphanage. I was left in a crib like you were.
I’m intrigued by your statement of not having an example that showed you what true love is. We want it, just like a pwBPD. We weren’t shown in our tender years. Like so many other things, we need to look inside. The love that we seek is built into us. It’s in our makeup. People tried to beat that out of us for their own reasons. They had their time.

Do something tomorrow. Say hello to a stranger or flirt with a man that is attractive to you. Life is short, my friend. Are we going to be shackled by our pasts until we’re on our deathbed? Go out and get what you want. You have the tools now.
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2019, 12:46:33 PM »

JNChell,
Thank you for your encouragement. I have rewired my brain quite a bit through years of hard work, mainly EMDR therapy, though I feel that I still have a long ways to go. For many years, I have been able to love and be present for children, though this did not happen until I was too old to have children. One day, a coworker called me on not looking at the babies, and I started to do that. A couple of years later while demonstrating kindness and patience with a toddler that was running back and forth among those in line at the bank, a woman told me she knew I was a mother because of the way I interacted with the toddler. I am now trying to find out how to rewire my brain so I am not so pathologically independent. I spend too much time alone and do not seek people out enough. I have wonderful friends and some great relatives who are not part of my immediate family. I feel that I have forgiven myself for the times I fell prey to my family's brainwashing. I seem to be attracting great people into my life and pushing away those that manipulate others by pretending to be nice people. In our teens and twenties, most of the dating pool is full of really great people. After that, the dating pool gets worse with age. I am pretty much a happy person now, and feel that it is key to accept that I may be alone for the rest of my life while remaining open to possibilities that come my way. In other words, I would love a healthy loving relationship yet I am still fine without one. I am in no way willing to sacrifice my happiness to be with a man that does not treat me or others kindly. I like your advice about being more open to being friendly to men and I am starting to do that without feeling I have anything to apologize for, that I am indeed a special woman that has something to offer a healthy kind caring man. I am so sorry that you too were left alone to fend for yourself in the crib. How do you think that has affected you and how is that affecting you now?
Logged

JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2019, 01:02:23 PM »

You know who you are and you where you’ve been. Maybe we reach a point where we know that our past will always be with us, but we learn how to deal with it. I think you’re there. It’s just that final, little letting go. You’re there, z. I’ve read you and see you. Let go. You’re there.
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2019, 04:40:01 PM »

JNChell,
Thank you for your vote of confidence and support.
Logged

JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2019, 08:57:47 PM »

Bring a success story! 
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2019, 09:10:58 PM »

Double posting. Pathologically independent. You know why you feel this way and it’s ok. I would suggest that it’s healthy considering your background. Here’s the real deal. A woman like you is a real catch. You’ve done the work and you know the tools. Implement them. You would put any man at ease, and know which ones to stay away from. z, you’re there. Find your happiness.
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2019, 10:07:18 PM »

Quote from: zachira
I am now trying to find out how to rewire my brain so I am not so pathologically independent.

If I were you describe myself, I might say that too.  I think this triggered my ex,  in that she felt i didn't need her (thus she may have thought she was worthless,  triggering her shame). I have a kind of suicide note she wrote christmas eve of 2013 where she mentions,  "I think Turkish doesn't need me.  If i wasn't here,
He'd be ok,  his indifference kills me.")

Then I remember what my T told me, "you don't need to pathologize everything."

There's something deeper here,  an emotion which results in your hyper-dependence. What is it?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!