Push/Pull Behaviour 2

[Supertrouper]

He came home today and was meant to call me, but he didnt. So i called him. He was in a bad mood because of work, and i can understand why. Apparently hes got to go back early on Sunday and hes not happy about it, so hes going to see his boss about it tomorrow. Apparently, his boss doesn’t listen. Then the conversation went on to how i dont listen. Unfortunately my eyes rolled, yeah, i know, i was expecting him to say something, so i was prepared. We were on the phone.

So apparently i havent listened to him for the six years weve been together, hes fed up of p’)(-ng in the wind. He says hes tried to leave, but i want him back, but he cant understand why when hes there i dont want him, but when he is gone, i do want him. That is his perspective, i get that. But from my perspective i never want him to go, he knows that. However, i can also understand my behaviour, although unbeknowingly may have led him to that perspective. He is always the one coming and going though, bring distant then close, i always have wanted him close.

He talked about my holiday with my friend, which is what i think the trigger is this time, because apparently I just went ahead and booked it without telling him, not being respectful. I asked him if he minded me going on holiday with her and he said no. So i booked it. I didnt tell him when it was booked for because he was then away and the signals were so bad, we coild not communicate, which i did say to him. I also said that id booked it around a time he woulnt be home, but his schedule changed, so now he would be free, at that time, and he wished to do something then, but now i cant. I get how he might feel annoyed. To me though it is just circumstance and bad timing. And also he does have other weeks free, which he reminded me about, which we could then plan something for.

Now going back to the blowing in the wind. He says i dont compromise. I am able to compromise, when there is someone to compromise with, i do it all the time, thats what you do. I font think its me who doesn’t compromise. Anyway, hes fed up of blowing in the wind, so he has said that we either have to make a proper solid base to go forward in the relationship or we should be adult enough to say its not working. Thats fair enough. However, he said i have to be the one tonight to think about it and how we are going to do it one way or the other. I asked him if he was going to think about it as well, and he just said hed been thinking about it for six years. So i gather he is just expecting me to come up with ideas. What a situation to put me in. How is that being compromising, when the onus is all put on me.

I understand that this is mainly about him feeling rejected and unheard, but that is not how i meant him to feel, but i do feel ive been put in a bit of a crossroads here and he wants me to sort it out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Supertrouper]

I also remember him saying, and i cant quite remember exactly what he was saying beforehand, but he said that he didnt care about himself, he just went to work and got his money, and thats it, then he said to me, ‘youve told me in the past i dont care about myself’. I have said this when he has been low in the past, because its the truth. He is low again, through tiredness, (he does work hard), rejection from me ( his perception) and just finding his emotions are just going off the scale.

[Supertrouper]

Been keeping contact through the day, not much but little texts.

Just called him and he is still so low. He is stressed because he hasnt got time to do anything, his computers broken and his car has been knocked. A lot of stuff, plus with his work stuff and my disrespectful booking of a holiday with my friend even though he knew about it. I have offered to help him, while he is away with his house, apparently i am too late, he asked for help years ago, and i didnt offer it, when i asked when, he couldnt answer, i just used SET. But he doesnt trust me to help him now, even though i would, because he thinks my priorities will be with my friends.

So i asked him shall we get together to talk and he said what would we talk about. So i said life, plans, how to help you. But he was just not interested. He then said he would have loved to come to mine but apparently i monopolized the tv, he used to fo that, i hardly watch it. So no he is just not interested, he just wants to have his own time with a beer.

So i just texted him ok but if he changed his mind he could come and sit on the sofa with me.

Dont know what else to do. I do feel though that if we dont even get together before he goes away, that that will be extremely difficult to keep communication going.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, yesterday i just pushed ‘gently’ to see him. Texted during the day and then in the evening ‘am i allowed to sit with you for a couple of hours in the pub’. He called back and said did he have a choice, which I replied yes. He then said yes as long as i was not going to have heavy conversations as he couldn’t handle one, i wouldnt have done anyway, i just said i would just be a mate.

So i went. He is different with his friends, who were in the bar, its like there is no sign of stress whatsoever. As soon as they moved away from him, he becomes stressed. So i got circular arguments, i just listened and said things if i needed.

What came out of it was that, the priortising of my friends, according to him, which may be the first trigger, was when i prioritised my friends over him, when we weren’t actually together. Well surely im going to. But i think it was that i prioritised my friends by going to ‘his space’, ie the pub he goes to. To him when we are not together, he thinks I shouldn’t go anywhere near his ‘spaces’. I go there ONLY if i know he wont be there, ie when he is away at work. I still think there is something deeper still there to hear.

Also, the holiday with my friend. He keeps saying that i didnt tell him id booked it, which I didn’t. He just said that he had said that he didnt mind if i booked it. So i think i have hopefully stopped this one, as i replied, ‘sorry that you feel hurt i didnt tell you id booked it, i would feel the same, but i just took it that you didnt mind as me just going ahead and booking it for anytime as we had made no other plans for ourselves’. He didnt say anything else from that.

He did say some strange comments during the night. He said i was flirty with other people, and he even said his friend was flirty with other people. We both disagreed. He then went on to explain that i go up to people and stick my chest out to them. I can tell you for sure, i do not do that, with him possibly, im allowed to flirt with him, but i dont do it to others. His friend whod also disagreed said she was just probably being friendly. When he went out she just called him a delusional man. I just said he was insecure.

Something else, he got upset about saying that he should have done better in our relationship and apologised for it. He also asked me when was the last time he did something nice for me, i couldnt remember anything recent, so took a time to answer, and he said ‘it’s obviously that long then that you cant remember and im sorry for that’.

An interesting evening, and we did have some casual conversation as well and the evening ended well. I went home and hopefully we will see each other today.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, well we had another good day yesterday. We met up during the afternoon and he was ok. Still a bit stressed but better mood. I was still just being a ‘mate’, no heavy stuff, just ‘being there. However, he jokingly said there were rules, i had to eat, because i cant drink and food helps, i wasnt to be a k-:b, and i wasnt to talk about anything heavy. Thats fine, he made sure i went to eat, im not the k-:b in this relationship so that was easy, and i kept things light and if he wanted to talk about the relationship then i used SET, etc. So we had a good night, he came to mine and i took him back to his this morning, as he had to leave for work away.

He came round mine unannounced just before he left for his long journey to say goodbye and get a hug, which was nice. I told him thank you and that was a lovely thing to do and wished him a safe journey. He just said ‘see i am a nice man’. He called when he arrived and i said i had appreciated him coming round earlier. During this conversation that we had he admitted that he could be at least 10 possibly 15% responsible for the difficulties we have had moving forward. A conversation for another time, but wow, a tiny acknowledgment that its not always my fault.

Anyway, we had a short time together this time home and his stress levels reduced. As he is now away for 3 weeks, and it is hard work, im guessing he may become stressed with work again. We will keep in touch.

[Harri]

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