I'm exhausted

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is only my second post in here although I read posts daily. My partner may or may not be suffering with BPD, it's not been diagnosed and she hasn't seen anyone professional, but says she believes it might be what she's dealing with.
I've read tons and tons about it since she told me, and tried to apply some techniques and handle some situations differently. The thing is I'm completely exhausted. The things she says in rages and when she's upset afterwards are just going around in my head every day and it's worn me out completely. How do I stop myself? I feel like I can't be myself any more. I'm overwhelmed and I need to feel like me again.

[Noobie]

This is only my second post in here although I read posts daily. My partner may or may not be suffering with BPD, it's not been diagnosed and she hasn't seen anyone professional, but says she believes it might be what she's dealing with.
I've read tons and tons about it since she told me, and tried to apply some techniques and handle some situations differently. The thing is I'm completely exhausted. The things she says in rages and when she's upset afterwards are just going around in my head every day and it's worn me out completely. How do I stop myself? I feel like I can't be myself any more. I'm overwhelmed and I need to feel like me again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Relationships with pwBPD can be exhausting, absolutely. And I went through a period where I definitely felt like I couldn't be myself. It was like I was just a shell -- like the real me was gone, buried so deep she didn't exist anymore.

I found therapy, journaling and posting here to be very helpful, but different things work for different people.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions:
What triggers her rages? What techniques have you used? Could you maybe give a detailed example about how one of those episodes went? That would help us know better how to help you.

[Noobie]

I'm honestly confused about what could be triggering the episodes. Since she told me that it could be BPD I've been trying to figure it out. She was treated awfully by her ex husband before and during their divorce, and that is enough to trigger them of course. She has also been treated very badly by people she classes as friends. The confusing part for me is that she gives people seemingly infinite chances regardless of the way they treat her, and I am getting all the anger and rage directed at me for their shortcomings.

[Granite Chief]

You and I are in the same boat but I feel like I am on the other side. I am finally starting to feel like myself day by day. It isn't always perfect but there is not this dark thought of when will it be over?

You need to take care of yourself if you want to stay in this relationship. Remember they are scared of you leaving and will say things just to get a reaction out of you.

[Noobie]

That's exactly what I have such a hard time with. I can't understand why someone who is scared of you leaving would say things to make you feel like leaving. I guess I need to work out how to let go of logic, I'm struggling with that at the moment though.

[Ozzie101]

Yes, pwBPD often work on a completely different type of logic. Your logic and theirs are barely distant cousins.

It does sound counterintuitive, but people with a fear of abandonment (which tends to be very common and strong in pwBPD) frequently act out to push the other person away. One way of looking at it is like this: The person is afraid you'll leave. They feel out of control. How can they hold onto control? By pushing you away. That way THEY control the narrative.

Another explanation? It's a test to see if you'll really and truly stick around.

[Granite Chief]

Yes there is no logic. My BPD Fiencee told me that the bigger reaction from me the more she feels loves. We are beginning to get better at this as a couple and she realizes I do not always have to react and I love her.

I have to admit that when she gets too far out I put on a show that I am stressed so she feels loves. This is obviously not healthy.

[Noobie]

Granite Chief, thanks for taking the time to reply, can I ask how long it took to get to where you are now in your relationship? I feel like the slightest word will cause chaos and I spend most of my day worrying that I'm going to trigger something again. I don't want to live like that.

[Granite Chief]

Please feel free to ask all the questions you want. I know the insanity of doing this alone.

Have you read stop walking on eggshells?

This has been 2 years for us and for 6 months we broke up weekly. I had to work on myself while she works on herself. I am not saying that we did not support each other we just have separate issues. I am going though counseling to work on the fact I am extremely sensitive and do not stick up for my self. She was diagnosed a year ago and has started an outpatient program.

So you know there is an outpatient program for people that suffer the worst symptoms. Like people everyone that has BPD is not like the next.  I know you are beating yourself up from this but this is not you. Your reactions are what you can control...I know its hard.

[Noobie]

I was lucky enough to find a free copy of the book online and I have started reading. I haven't had a great deal of spare time because of work and my partner being there, but I am reading as often as possible.
I have so many questions, I don't really know where to start. I have suggested to my partner to see a therapist or mental health professional through her job (she is a nurse) and she's said she'd look into it. I don't feel like it's something I can force her to do, but it leaves me stuck.

[Granite Chief]

The book is for you not her. I listened to it on audible...Best money you will ever spend. It has to be her own idea to get help for herself or from a professional or it wont work. 

[RufusTFirefly]

The confusing part for me is that she gives people seemingly infinite chances regardless of the way they treat her, and I am getting all the anger and rage directed at me for their shortcomings.

^^ This

My pwBPD seems to forgive and defend everyone around her, but if I so much as get frustrated with her for an instant, I'm suddenly the most horrible person in the world and I've ruined her life and everything is my fault, etc.

I agree that it's exhausting. I try to make sure that I reward myself for every episode I make it through (it doesn't need to be anything big — treating myself to ice cream is always nice) and constantly reminding myself that I'm doing the best I can.

Also, for me, working with a couple's counselor was helpful. However, it took a long while to build the trust we needed with her. My advice, if you do the same, is to make sure that you're not using the couple's counselor as someone to take your side — that's only going to create more problems.

Best of luck to you. What you're going through isn't easy, but please be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you're doing the best you can and you are not responsible for your partner's actions.

[Noobie]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply here, I appreciate it all. Granite Chief, I know that the book is meant for me, I need to make more time to read. I have some understanding of what is happening and why, but it leaves me shellshocked every time. I will try to remind myself that I didn't cause it to happen and I'm not to blame. I wish I knew how to avoid the triggers altogether.

[Ozzie101]

I wish I knew how to avoid the triggers altogether.

Unfortunately, that's not possible. Because there will always be triggers. You may be able to avoid or eliminate one, but something will pop up to take its place. When my H was first starting therapy, alarm bells went off for me because he said he thought therapy was about learning to get rid of all the triggers in your life. Like I said -- not possible. Living your life avoiding triggers is walking on eggshells, which is something we all need to learn NOT to do.

What you learn to do is how to handle it when triggers occur. And to lay the groundwork in calmer, happier times so that when triggers come up, the reaction isn't so bad. Does that make sense?

[Noobie]

Sorry, my wording wasn't great, that's basically what I meant to say, how to try and prevent the triggers from ending up being as bad as they get sometimes. I have so much to try and figure out and not nearly enough time. It's hurting me so so deeply.

[Ozzie101]

That is something we can help with. It's something I had to learn to do myself and it really has gotten better in my relationship.

Can you think of a recent triggering incident? Can you explain to us in detail what happened -- what she said/did, how you responded? That will give us an idea of the dynamic and can tell us what tools might be most helpful to you.

[Noobie]

Just yesterday there was an episode. I was trying to rent a movie with an offer code on an email, and was in the bedroom for around 30 minutes because it wasn't working properly. My partner firstly took this as being anti-social. I explained to her that I was trying to redeem the offer, and it escalated into her accusing me of avoiding her, then that I was talking to someone else on the phone. She demanded to know who I was talking to, and I showed her the phone screen and repeated that I was trying to rent a movie. This further escalated the situation and she stormed out of the house, cursing at me and accusing me of cheating on her. This was mild compared to other occasions but typical of what is happening. I don't know how to make things better.

[Ozzie101]

Something I've learned as I've read and experienced more: when dealing with pwBPD, what they say they're angry about often isn't what they're angry about. She gets upset that you're in the bedroom for a long time and felt you were being antisocial.

Another thing about pwBPD? They often have major abandonment issues. Something as simple as you being out of the room for a period of time can trigger that abandonment fear.
You think: I'm just in the bedroom trying to rent a movie. I'm in the next room. All is well.
What may be in her head: He's been in the other room for a long time. He's doing that on purpose. He's avoiding me. He's hiding things from me. He hates me. He wants to leave me. He's having an affair. I'm not even worth being around.

Rational? No. But that's how your partner may well be processing things.

Is the answer to stay by her side at all times? Of course not. That's neither healthy nor possible. But sometimes, realizing what's underneath the rages can make them easier to handle.

We have a couple of good articles here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
Take a look when you have time and let us know what you think.

Also, something that really helps is laying the foundation during the calm times. Validation doesn't usually work well during a dysregulation (it can seem condescending). But, if you lay a strong foundation during the calm times, you may find those episodes decrease in frequency and severity over time. Little things like random displays of affection, positive reinforcement, kind words -- whatever speaks your partner's love language -- can go a long way. If your partner starts to feel more secure and loved, her own ability to process her emotions may improve.

How did things go after the episode last night? Did she return to the house? What did you do?

[Noobie]

I did try to do some of the things you mention, and some of the things in the links you sent. I really appreciate all the help you and others have given. I often end up repeating myself over and over until one of us falls asleep at night or we just stop talking about it. Often after a day or two she seems to have little recollection of what's happened, but it all stays with me and rolls around in my head. That's what's happened on this occasion too.

[Ozzie101]

Ah, yes. The endless, circular discussions that go on and on until everyone just falls asleep. I know those well. As you've found, those discussions are completely unproductive as they are. The best thing to do is to find a way to nip them in the bud and not let them get so far down the road that you're caught in the loop. I wish I could say I found a way to deal with those but it's not something I mastered.

I did get some advice from others, though.
1) Excuse yourself from the discussion before it ramps up. For instance, say something like "I can tell this is something really important to you. But I need to think about it for a bit. Let's take a little time, then come back to it in an hour."
2) Set a time limit, agreed upon in a calm, neutral time. My H and I have a "safe word" to use when one person is getting overloaded. We agree to go to separate rooms, then come back together in an hour. Likewise, we have an agreement: no serious discussions after 11:00 p.m. Nothing good or productive will happen that late.

And, as I've discovered, my H doesn't remember a lot of what happened. There are things he said and did that are vivid in my mind and he's shocked that he said/did them. He believes me when I tell him what happened, he just has no memory of it. My T says that's common in trauma victims.

[udunnome81]

I'm honestly confused about what could be triggering the episodes. Since she told me that it could be BPD I've been trying to figure it out. She was treated awfully by her ex husband before and during their divorce, and that is enough to trigger them of course. She has also been treated very badly by people she classes as friends. The confusing part for me is that she gives people seemingly infinite chances regardless of the way they treat her, and I am getting all the anger and rage directed at me for their shortcomings.

If you can see the things she does to you, I think it would be fair to say she did these things or possibly worse to her ex.

My wife and I were together for 13+ years and had known each other for almost 24 years when she abandoned me and our children for "greener pastures" 1000+ miles away. I must admit there IS still some bitterness that I hold towards her for the pain she cause me and our children. To justify her leaving she lied to all of us, including her friends.

It's not our or their shortcomings necessarily, but her inability to cope with adult emotions. They are quite possibly scapegoats to her need for validation. I would keep that it mind. What she says about them may not even be true. They will keep giving chances to others as whenever they are let down for some perceived slight, they can produce the image of victimhood, even if it isn't the truth.

[Noobie]

Thanks Udenomme81 for your post, I'm learning more and more about this every day. I don't know if I'll ever fully understand what's going on. The thought has crossed my mind more than once that some things she says may not be true. I have seen a police report she filed at one point about her ex so there is some truth to that. I am struggling with everything honestly. What would she stand to gain from lieing about everything? It's all a big confusing mess to me.

[udunnome81]

Thanks Udenomme81 for your post, I'm learning more and more about this every day. I don't know if I'll ever fully understand what's going on. The thought has crossed my mind more than once that some things she says may not be true. I have seen a police report she filed at one point about her ex so there is some truth to that. I am struggling with everything honestly. What would she stand to gain from lieing about everything? It's all a big confusing mess to me.

I truly feel your pain. Sorry that you have to go through any of it, I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. (not that I have enemies, other than my should-be-ex, not that I consider her my enemy - she believes me to be the devil) What would she gain from lying? Well she would maintain a victimhood status, saying "I've had it rough and we are then supposed to be their savior and not be like that. It's not so much gained. But more of a manipulation tactic. IMHO.

[COLB]

Noobie,
I am late to this thread.  In my 30 years with my BPDw I have seen everything you are talking about.  One thing that our latest therapist turned me onto was Mindfulness.  Being in control of myself.  As stated above the triggers change.  For my wife it is about abandonment in the end I think.  But the triggers can be the littlest things from a phone call, to who puts the check in the donation basket on Sunday.  Mindfulness has helped me get out of the Fear Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) that she uses to attack me and get a reaction.  I have to admit that sometimes I do better than others.  At the end of the day though I have used mindfulness techniques to reduce the ball of tension in my chest during and following my BPDws outbursts. 
COLB

[COLB]

And to pile on udonnome,
"What would she gain from lying? Well she would maintain a victimhood status".  With my BPDw the victimhood status is central to how she finds justification in her actions.  She can verbally destroy anyone when she is a victim of their unjust actions.  That is what goes on with my BPDw.  The victimhood can go back to transgressions that were decades ago and that others outside of the BPD will never see as a horrible act.  These may seem like lies but I think they are really just their viewpoint that is twisted by their state of being...   But you are not responsible for it nor can you control or fix it. 

COLB   

[udunnome81]

And to pile on udonnome,
"What would she gain from lying? Well she would maintain a victimhood status".  With my BPDw the victimhood status is central to how she finds justification in her actions.  She can verbally destroy anyone when she is a victim of their unjust actions.  That is what goes on with my BPDw.  The victimhood can go back to transgressions that were decades ago and that others outside of the BPD will never see as a horrible act.  These may seem like lies but I think they are really just their viewpoint that is twisted by their state of being...   But you are not responsible for it nor can you control or fix it. 

COLB   

Exactly. 14 years with my Wife...funny enough, she never can finish anything she starts. This time it is the divorce. I never wanted a divorce, this was her choice. But now she is telling me that if I want the divorce so much that I should have to pay for it...reason our divorce is not over is because she had not paid her lawyer...of course now my responsibility, because now I want it over with...

[Noobie]

I don't feel like it's maliciously done in my situation, it's still very very tough to take though. I still don't even know if it's actually BPD that my partner is dealing with. Thank you for all your replies, you've given me a lot to think about, and I'm sorry for spelling your name incorrectly Udunnome. I wish you the best of luck in what you're going through.

[Chosen]

Hi Noobie,

Ahh, triggers.  Don't overthink what could be triggering your pwBPD.  I think anything could be a trigger- when we ourselves are in a bad mood, things that usually won't tick us off can make us really mad, right?  BPD is simply this, just maybe a hundred times more dramatic.  Also, as pwBPDs are emotionally immature, just think of them as children throwing a tantrum.  Many times there is no clear reason why they do it. 

Of course your pwBPD may have very high needs in certain areas, whether or not they are reasonable to you, and if you can't fulfill their needs at their standards, they will go from 0 to 100 in a second.  Remember feelings = facts.  Maybe your partner is rather possessive and "need" to spend every second with you.  The fact that you are trying to rent a movie doesn't matter; she only sees the fact that you're "gone" for 30 mins, and that means you have abandoned her.  While we nons may see it as a very simple thing, for pwBPDs there are no simple issues. 

So I guess you have to first think of what areas does she have a super high need in?  Then you can see whether you are able to do something to cater to her needs while not completely giving up on your own.  Say, when you realise it is hard to redeem the code, can you tell her "I'll need to try this for around 30 mins." (state the time first, so she knows she's not being abandoned)

I myself find it very hard, as "normal" adult people like myself (note the quotations there- I think we're all not very normal) should not need to think of how to communicate about very simple daily tasks in advance.  But because my mouth goes much quicker than my brain, I find it helpful as I usually say the wrong thing on the spot.