Non BPD spouse long term effects

[Bluebug]

I have been with a diagnosed BPD spouse (some treatment) for 20+ years, what are the long term effects on me ?

Increases passive agression ?

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[GaGrl]

My DH was with his uNPD/BPD for 19 years of marriage living together, then another 14 years of separation/enmeshment.

His physical situation included: high blood pressure, heart problems, an STD that she gave him (herpes). Psychological issues were CPTSD and depression. Emotionally, he has had to overcome trust issues, fear, obligation and guilt (FOG).

What, specifically, are you looking to examine?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Bluebug-
Welcome to our wonderful community.  In a nutshell, there are undoubtedly effects on the non in a LT relationship with a BPD partner.   

Are you saying your pain may be manifesting in passive-aggressive behavior?  Please feel free to provide more detail on your concerns.

I was with/ married to an undiagnosed BPD/NPD husband for just over 19 years.  I knew he had solid Narc traits, but only recently learned of the BPD traits (from his very knowledgeable and clinically-trained psych ex-wife before me). He is a bad man...and I do mean that.  A bad man.  Two and a half years after we parted and I fled cross-country, I fell in love with my dream man...a full-fledged BPD.  Only this man is good in his heart, with some very bad and hurtful behaviors.  This may sound like nonsense, but it’s my truth.

Before I enter the bad, I want to note the good, “you’re asking” -which means you can stem the damage to you. 

The damage to me?  19 years of twisting myself inside out trying to keep that husband happy.  Thought I was the most “trusting” soul in the world (literally described as “the perfect wife” by my exH’s friends); but in reality I made myself become aloof and emotionally detached.  I had to protect my heart from whatever he was doing to betray our marriage for years.   

My feelings on every matter involving his behaviors were either dismissed, squashed or completely  ignored.  I had NO ABILITY to express anger.  None.  Only sadness, which I did in private.  To the outside world, I was the life of the party- always.  People wanted to come to my (our) home for parties.  I failed miserably to care for my emotional health.  I was and am still sickeningly codependent; but now that I understand that, I am working on those traits.

My marriage finally ended the night my husband threw me across the room and into a wall.  It was the first and last time he would become violent with me.  I guess even I had standards.  Or a limit.

I fled my home and world to escape him.

I developed generalized anxiety disorder, CPTSD and major depressive disorder.  If I’m not over my head involved with work, sometimes I can barely function.  In reaction to my “new” BPD bf, I developed a temper for a brief period (after a few years) when the shock of his rages wore off.

I had a fear of meeting new people.  I was afraid of my own shadow, leaving the house, talking to people.  Most of this is gone now...I just have little interest.  I mostly still don’t trust my own judgement.

I was more angry at myself than anyone else and would scream at myself in the bathroom mirror.  I didn’t need anyone else to call me names.  I did that to myself.  No one could make me feel more worthless than I made myself feel.

I think the anger is the thing that lingers.  Again, anger at myself.  I don’t mean it to come off this way, and I’m sorry, but for some reason, my anger is heightened this week.  I’m not letting it out on anyone else, but I’m not squashing it this time.

Comes a time when happiness should no longer be elusive, and it’s being dammed up by this pain of anger.  It’s time to let it go.  My BPDbf wants to come back around, and I cannot let him near me if I’m like this.  And this time around, he may or may not know this, but he’s going to have to adapt to me.

The thing is, Bluebug...there is so little we control.  No one else has an eye into our thoughts, our emotions ...and can rarely understand what we feel.  The people in this forum DO know what these relationships entail.  The fact that we have to forgive while we endure more of the same on a daily basis.

I used to say to myself “I have to remember I feel like this” when the bad stuff was happening, because I’d disassociate, forgive and forget.  Can no longer do that.  Now I have to remember that I’m going to be okay. 

I have to remember when these waves of hopelessness overtake me, that I DON’T have to feel like this...and neither do you.  Please stay with us.  Talk, talk and talk some more.  This is a very safe place to let these feelings exit your body.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

(Ps, no worries, I AM working with a therapist)

[Red5]

I have been with a diagnosed BPD spouse (some treatment) for 20+ years, what are the long term effects on me ?

*Increases passive aggression ?

Good Morning Bluebug,

Yes, living with a disordered person for decades, what ever the dx, (if even dx)… has long term effects on your physical, as well mental health.

From what I've read… and now understand… when we are with them, day in and day out… our hypersensitivity is always at an extreme elevated degree, (flight-fight-freeze-fawn) we are always waiting for the next dysregulation, or "attack" for lack of better word… so when your defensive mechanisms are always at "defcon 1"… then this has damaging effects on our brains (physical / chemical) over the long term,

I've actually been reading on this phenomena the last few weeks… as it never was quite clear to me that this was actually happening.

This condition / conditioning effects directly our immune systems, and has adverse and damaging effects on our health… eg' hypertension, sleep patterns, the way our nervous systems works… which WILL lead to heart issues (heart attacks)… strokes etc'… and all sorts of nervous system, and immune system degradations… all manner of health problems may overtake us the longer we live this way, even cancer.

Like the crew of a warship that is constantly at 'general quarters' expecting battle… and never given proper rest and recovery / down time… it will wear us down… just like 'combat fatigue'… this is why many of us are, and read about the effects of ptsd, and cptsd resultant from these troubling long term relationships…

We may over time become someone whom we never were before, angry, resentful, "passive aggressive"… we may become despondent at the prospect of knowing that things will never change… we may feel trapped… we will become worn down… and mentally and emotionally worn-out, burnt, burned out in our spirit… we may become lost in the relationship… a "shell"…

Over time, we will find that living with a person whom is disordered, will consume us, our every waking moment… no matter what we do for a job, or a livelihood, the "homefront" is always "forefront"… it never leaves us… that queasy uneasy feeling in our gut, the knot in our stomach… feeling of dread... what's coming next, what's going to happen tonight, what will be on the other side of the door when I get home from work… what is the fight - issue going to be about now… this time… yet again, no win, no solution, no resolving the quarrel, constant disagreement, this is the heightened state I wrote of above… over time, constant 'triggering' (cptsd?)… not good.

It's a conundrum and a "catch22" to the 'caretaker personality', which many of us are… the "savoir" personality… we may become 'enablers' of our own abuse… of the continued and constant negative behaviors projected onto us… which over time will have unavoidable and very adverse effects on our psychological 'state'… which then leads directly to the physical health… and its inevitable decay resultant.

That's what it is… to be in a relationship with someone who is disordered, perhaps borderline, histrionic, or high and to the right on the narcissism scale… constant belittlement, verbal abuse, reverse psychosis… even threats of real or imagined physical abuse… it takes its toll, no matter how strong we may think we are…

Twenty years is a long time Bluebug… at some point, you have to start taking care of yourself…

I was married the first time (child bride first wife) for twenty one years, and now this time, married eight years (now separated almost six months)… eleven total with this current woman, relationship / marriage… quite obviously, I have my own 'attachment issues'… name them… 'codependency, the 'savoir syndrome'… a 'card carrying caretaker/enabler' I surely am… what's to become of me?… well first of all, I need to ensure I take care of me, the basics, nourishment, sleep, home, financial, spiritual etc'… its been years… if ever I've done that instinctually… and its surely taken its toll… I turned fifty-three last March… so I'm running out of railroad track…

Would like to know more of your story, if you want to share.

Kind Regards, Red5