Feeling I'm at the end

[Wilkinson]

Hello, I new to this site.  I've been married to a woman that I think has BPD, for almost 17 years.  We have four amazing children.  We've had our rough patches.  When she got angry it was horrible, because you were just a bad person, her anger seemed to last forever, and it felt like it came out of nowhere.  But I always thought marriage is just work.  These things happen.  Then about three years ago, things really started to ramp up.  She would go for hours of criticism.  She would calmly tell me the marriage was over, and I'd lose it because I didn't want to destroy my family.  I have worked so hard to be a good husband and provider for my family. I finally pushed for marriage counseling and I started up a relationship with an old friend of mine to act as a mentor and accountability partner to help me be a better and loving husband to save my marriage.  It seemed as I improved, she got worse.  I know have daily battles with her.  I have become very good at not responding to anger with anger, but it feels like she is doing her best to prod me.  I have waivered between wondering if she has BPD or NPD.  I don't know, I'm not qualified to diagnose.  I'm working on getting an apartment and moving out of my house.  I'll be living poor in a tiny apartment and trying to figure out how to set it up for my kids to stay in.  I feel so hopeless.  The fights are so bad at home, it is making my kids miserable.  They are now mad at me because I won't just give into her to end the yelling.  I don't know why things ramped up so bad recently. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Wilkinson, and

sometimes, friend, things do get worse before they get better. but things really can get better.

it was definitely a step in the right direction that you took to seek an accountability partner, and to stop the bleeding from your end in the marriage. im also glad that you reached out to us here, a strong support system is really critical in these relationships.

i think that when we change the dynamics in any relationship, things can get messy. your partner may feel unnerved if you are responding differently, because it is not what she is used to.

im sorry to hear youre getting it from all angles, so to speak. can you tell us what, right now, are the primary conflicts between you and your wife? it might help to share how your responses now are different from how they would have been before.

[Wilkinson]

Right now, the primary conflicts are over her family.  One of the reasons I think she may have BPD is that she was raised by neglectful hoarders.  Her dad was at work all the time and I don't know how to describe her mother.  She could be intensely interested in her kids or not care at all.  She was clueless on social things so she thought nothing of sending them to school in dirty, worn out clothes.  A few years ago she found out something pretty horrible happened in her house after she moved out that affected her sister.  I don't know how to succinctly tell the story, but in the end the two loved each other, but never talk.  If I were trying to diagnose, cutting contact with her sister worsened abandonment issues.

As she would lash out at me more, one day she demand $1,500 cash to pay a lawyer retainer fee so she can divorce me.  I used to fight it when she would try to push for a divorce, but by this time, I handed her the cash, but still expressed I don't want her to do this.  She then got angry and started throwing my stuff on the porch for the second or third time that year.  I felt our marriage was at the end.  I was trying hard, working with my accountability partner, working at trying not to be defensive, but it couldn't save the marriage.  We were in marriage counseling that was going no where. She does love her sister, so as a hail mary, I called her sister and said that she was leaving me and asked if she could talk to her sister and see if she would be willing to calm her down and work with me.  Her sister never did and when my wife found out about it she blew up.  She made me text her sister, "Do not ever contact me again," and promise to never contact her sister.  Even though I promised, I thought I could help the situation but calling her sister one last time to apologize for involving her and I tried to save some face for my wife by saying she was just stressed out from the life of dealing with our four kids.  Well, she found out about that too.

That was in January and ever since, she has been coming back to that incident.  She will berate me for it daily.  At first, I would try to explain it.  I didn't mean to hurt her, but my steps seemed very logical at the time.  I did apologize especially for the second call and confessed that it was my own hubris that allowed me to think I knew better.  As I continued with counseling and marriage books, I focused on validating her feelings, even if I didn't agree with them, I'd validate how she felt.  She was convinced that my actions were intentional to cruelly inflict pain on her.  I would confess to what I did, apologize, ask for forgiveness, acknowledge that it is easy to see why it feels like it was an intentional act, but I was not trying to be hurtful.  One of her common responses is, "Stop saying it feels like,  it IS.  These are facts."  Eventually I stopped doing much in the way of responding.  I would just sit there and take it, hoping it would pass soon.  I would try to respond enough when accusations were getting out of control and to try not to be a stonewaller, but every day she would lay into me and it would come back to what I did in January, and something I did in November shows why I just don't care, just like that thing I did in October.  And this all started with that thing I did  last August.  And that mean thing I said in a fight in September.

She'll go on for hours with no resolution.  For most of the time, what she wanted me to do was admit that I was intentionally being cruel.  I would admit to my actions, but I have insisted that while I made a choice in my actions and I regret them because of the pain it cause, I did not make them with the intentional purpose of doing so.  She never seemed to accept that.  She would push and push.  My counselor, who knew about these events said, I need to stop over explaining and when it goes on, say, "I've explained this already.  I didn't mean to cause you pain, and I regret my actions, but I'm not talking about this any more." and walk away.  She started blocking me so I couldn't get away. 

I feel so hopeless, but as I write this, I realize that I can't change her behavior.  I have spent so much time trying to learn how to respond properly trying to figure out what I could do, to neutralize the situation, but no matter how many books I read and how many methods, I tried to apply, I just couldn't do it. 

[SunandMoon]

I'm sorry you're going through this Wilkinson - it sounds really bad. Berating you for hours and blocking you from leaving the room is abuse.

The fights are so bad at home, it is making my kids miserable. They are now mad at me because I won't just give into her to end the yelling.

Can you explain this please? What do the kids want you to do?

[Wilkinson]

Regarding calling my uBPDw's sister, she demanded that I confess to doing it out of intentional cruelty.  I confessed that I regretted calling her and that I regret causing her pain and that I'm sorry I did that, but I stood firm that I did not do it out of cruelty to get back at her.  I called her sister because I thought the marriage was over and this might be one last shot.  Maybe it was not the right thing to do, but I wasn't doing it out of vengeance.  I wasn't trying to be stubborn, but I felt, and talked with people I respect that confessing something like this when it is not true, is unwise.

She would go into some epic tantrums and would not stop unless I confessed.  I tried to validate how she felt, but would not agree to the confession.  My kids just wanted me to confess, even if it wasn't true just to stop the conflict.  Whenever she gets on big things, they would prefer I just acquiesce to end it.

I can understand why they feel this way.  Besides having to listen to this, it has done things like caused them to not have dinner until really late because mom was yelling at dad and she wouldn't break so one of them could make dinner.  On my daughter's birthday, my wife had to fight with me and then blamed me for ruining her birthday because she had to yell at me over something I did two days prior.