Feel like my heart will never heal

[VMJ7675]

It’s been over 4 months since my BPD best friend of 4 years ghosted me unexpectedly.  On Dec 31 she was sending me texts telling me she was so thankful for my support over the year (she’d struggled with a lot of severe depression and I had stayed by her side through all of it) and toasting the upcoming year.  She told me she was looking forward to our friendship growing in 2019.  Then Jan 1 I left to take a vacation with my husband and kids and she wouldn’t respond to any of my texts or calls or emails.  My initial reaction was worry since she’d been struggling so badly with depression, but then I noticed none of my messages were being delivered and when I contacted her sister, she told me my friend was find and acting normal with her.  So I realized she’d completely cut me off with no explanation.  While this was a friendship and not a romantic relationship, it was the most intense relationship I’d ever had outside my family.  This person told me all her secrets, feelings, dreams etc.  She’d tell me she loved me (in a very childlike way which in retrospect was odd but made me feel like I was really helping her and made me feel wonderful).  She also told me I had saved her life.  I sacrificed a lot taking care of her.  I also gave her quite a bit financially over the years of our friendship... including her on vacations, providing meals, etc.  and I didn’t mind any of the sacrifices because I cared so much for her, but I had no idea she’s suddenly leave with no explanation.  I thought we’d be friends forever.

I had no idea the loss of a friendship could be so painful.  I want so badly for her to leave my head, but I still think about her constantly and cannot come to grips with how she could throw such a close relationship away.  And not even have the courage to look me in the eyes and tell me the friendship was over (and be forced to see my pain).  And it’s hard because she lives less than a mile from me, so I can’t stop looking out for her car when I drive or keeping my eye out for her in stores.

I have been seeing a therapist since this happened and it’s definitely helped a bit, the the pain just doesn’t go away.  I’m so sad, hurt, confused, angry.  And subconsciously I’m still waiting for a letter to show up in the mail with some sort of explanation.  But my smart brain knows it will probably never come.

I know there probably aren’t any answers and that time is probably my best friend now, but I don’t know where else to turn other than posting here or seeing my therapist (which is a short hour every week or two).  I’ve reached that point where I feel uncomfortable talking to my friends and family about it because I feel they all think I should be over it by now.  BPD is such a cruel disorder.   For everyone involved...

[Sirnut]

Hi VMJ,

I always appreciate reading your posts because, changing a few details, you’re describing my experience too. I’m just a year further in.

Believe it or not, I’m still still waiting for that letter too. But I’m learning to be content without it. That might sound like a contradiction, but to me it’s just being realistic. I’m not giving up on my friend, but I have to be content without her. I think I’m getting there, it just takes time.

A year ago when I was roughly where you are, I had the same experience of people expecting me to move on. Just take your time.

[Beneck]

Hey VMJ7675!  

It sounds like this was a very important friendship to you and that you're very hurt by how abruptly it ended, and without any explanation to boot.

I'm thinking shame could be the primary reason why she's ghosted you. You've helped her a lot over the years, and it sounds like she didn't / couldn't have done the same. If your friend has ever, over the years, expressed displeasure about being unable to reciprocate in terms of support, that could be a factor.

But you know her best.

What do you think?

[VMJ7675]

Sirnut and Beneck—  thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for your kind responses.  Sirnut—  I always appreciate your feedback and it’s good to hear that another year out you’re definitely feeling you’ve made a lot of progress!

Beneck—  you definitely hit the nail right on the head with the shame thing. Quite frankly my friend always struggled with a lot of shame about everything in her life. Lots of mistakes she made in the past and the way she treated her family etc. etc. etc.   And while she never actually stated why she suddenly left our family ( she spent a lot of time with my entire family as well as just me so that’s why I say she left the whole family) I think shame probably had a lot to do with it. She realized she had been taking tons of my time and energy which was a sacrifice for my family.  And my husband who had always worked really long hours had had a job change and was home quite a bit more and I think she felt she was taking time away from our marriage.   And that was all true, but it certainly wasn’t all her fault.   I was a participant too. I chose to get as close to her as I did and to spend time trying to help her through her depression etc.   so while I did think we had to work some of those details out – I never blamed her for any of that and never felt that she should feel shame.   But she always did. – Like you said she always told me she felt like she took took took and didn’t give.   I tried over and over to tell her she was really giving me a lot just by being my friend but I don’t think  she ever really believed it.  And the sad thing is that I never felt like she should be ashamed for anything in her life but now feeling as hurt and angry as I do, I do think she should feel badly about being willing to hurt such a close friend so badly.   Hopefully I can forgive that overtime. And I’m sure her shame over it has probably become worse and worse which makes it impossible for her to ever contact us again.   It’s just such a sad thing. I don’t think our friendship could ever be the same again because I couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t hurt me again. But all it would take was a little bit of apology and explanation to make forgiveness happen much quicker.   I have a five-year-old and I’ve been trying to teach her that very lesson. That sometimes we make mistakes and hurt other people or do things we shouldn’t do but an apology can go a very long way.   But as I said initially I don’t think I’ll ever get it in this situation.

[once removed]

I have been seeing a therapist since this happened and it’s definitely helped a bit, the the pain just doesn’t go away.

how is therapy going? what do you talk about? what does your therapist think/say?