How often do people with BPD have meltdowns?

[incognitoMe]

I read a lot of stories in this site about meltdowns that sound exactly like my girlfriend with BPD, but I'm curious how often they happen, and how long they last for other people with BPD. What is normal for a person with BPD?  Does anybody have anything to share about progress over time? 

I'm trying my best to be supportive as my girlfriend gets into therapy and reads books on the subject, but often feel like I'm perpetually near my breaking point.   She is wonderful for two or three days, and then has a meltdown that will often last 3 or so days.  I will feel utterly destroyed for a couple days after she has gotten over it, and have to pretend to feel happy for fear of triggering her. I will end up actually feeling happy for a day or so before she has another meltdown. All in all, that leaves me with about 2 happy days a week, and about 5 days of that range in quality from numb and sad, to living nightmare.  I can't sustain that forever.   Do meltdowns become less frequent, shorter, or less intense? 

I feel like nothing I do helps her. I have been reading everything I can on communicating, and validating, but none of it seems to do much of anything. It feels like her BPD is like a hurricane, and I'm doing a rain-dance.  I can regulate my own emotions, and validate constantly during the initial stages of her meltdowns, but eventually, after days, I lose my cool as well. At that point everything goes off the rails.

 It seems like the meltdowns never end until I am utterly broken and ready to breakup with her.  It feels like no matter how hard I try, I only delay the full rage, or that she needs to see me in excruciating pain to realize I care.


 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Granite Chief]

Everyone is different buy that is my experience too. My fiancee used to split weekly and it would take her 3-4 days to come back(nightmare). Now it is about once every 2-3 weeks but it still takes 3-4 days for her to be back to herself.

[Red5]

Hello incognitoMe,

Our 'cycle' was about eleven days… almost two weeks… then she would 'go under'… which would last anywhere from 3 days to as long a four weeks, many times the silent treatment (ST) was used by her.

I remember over a month one time, no speaking (ST)… sleeping separately.

And each time, I swallowed by pride, and apologized for whatever, name the subject ____.

Many times I had no idea what had even set her off, or for that matter what I was apologizing for.

Did it get better, in our relationship no… sorry to say.

She only got worse and worse, but she has never been dx, nor will she ever be I am afraid… she is in complete denial that anything is 'wrong', other than the fact that "its me"… projection projection projection…

The culminating event that led to our separation was when she went after my autistic son… physical abuse, hitting,

That ended us as a married couple under one roof, we are now separated.

Every relationship is different, learn all you can, learn the tools here… and support your relationship as best you can… its not easy, but hang in there, read this article, don't let what happened to me, happen to you.

Link -> https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

Kind Regards, Red5

[jomo564]

Wow, I guess I have it easy. I would say: most weeks have several hours of dysregulation, and most months have several days.

Dysregulation is most often for hours; occasionally for days. Can go weeks between (never months, sometimes days).

My recovery from the threats, insults, etc that happen during these brief incidents is of course significantly longer than hers.

If it were 50/50 I don't think I would have stuck around. Even when it's 5%-10% it feels like it destroys half the joy of the relationship.

[loyalwife]

It sounds as though you are going through a crisis. I label the levels of dysregulation, Mild, Chaotic and Crisis with my pwBPD.

Mild: Lasts for a few minutes, hours, but usually over after he goes for a drive or takes his mind off of the 'problem'.

Chaotic: This is more disruptive and lasts a few days (3) resulting in the pushing away, silent treatment.

Crisis: 
Once this begins, all bets are off. He completely shuts me out, sometimes files for divorce, changes locks on the doors and blocks me from social media. This has lasted anywhere from a few weeks to months. It is a recycle that never completely goes away and is started from an event that he hasn't any control over. (Like my son in my life). He triangles friends (getting support), and generally makes a mess out of his life.

The reason it seems that you are in crisis is that your girlfriend is recycling so often. She's not getting grounded long before she is thrown off center again. I do have some advice along with the excellent advice you have gotten here so far:  TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.  This has helped me so much. Not sure what the connection to the pwBPD is, but it protects you from being drug down to their level.

To begin with, I'd just go about life, as I always did and not let their outbursts effect me. Concentrate on your own self, do things that you like and leave her be. She is the only one that can learn to regulate her emotions, not you. It's her job to figure it out. The rewards of this is less time in the trenches. Not to say that a crisis won't come up again, but once you have had the serenity of going inside your own bubble, it gets easier. In fact, I enjoy the time that I am out of the line of fire.

BPD doesn't go away, it can get better or sad to say, worse. No matter which way it goes, you need to protect yourself. READ all you can, and come here often as you are part of this family. You aren't alone with your feelings and can share them and feel safe.

You will notice a change in your girlfriend, once you change your reaction.
Hope this helps.
 

[zachira]

Good question: How often do people with BPD have meltdowns? I have a mother and two siblings with BPD. I hate to tell you that the meltdowns are pretty much unpredictable as to when and how often they occur. I can say that disagreeing with the person with BPD's version of events, which can be by facial expression alone, is one of the more likely triggers for a meltdown. Clearly, we cannot be mind readers nor full time caretakers for another without taking into account our own needs. I am wondering if you asking about how to best protect yourself from the meltdowns. My answer to that would be to become more internally stronger by becoming more able to stay present and notice your feelings, instead of becoming enmeshed in the feelings of the BPD, a skill that takes time to develop and will never be something you can do all the time. It is natural to become overwhelmed by the meltdowns, as with time the person with BPD can become more skilled and more cruel in their take down of another. The good news, is we can also can become more skilled and less affected by the latest meltdown of the person with BPD in our life.

[incognitoMe]

This was my first post, and I'm appreciating how much feedback I'm getting from all of you!  It does seem like her cycle is very rapid, and frequent. I'm hoping that it will become less so with therapy.  We have been doing couples counseling for months but she has yet to see a therapist on her own.  I'm not sure the couples counseling meetings are doing much.  She will confront me about perceived slights (like misinterpreting my body language during the week or thinking I don't show my love for her on social media enough) or accuse the counselor and I of both being against her. I'm hoping individual sessions might be more productive.

loyalwife:   I want to take care of myself better as you say. I am trying to set better boundaries and calibrate my reactions to not reinforce her outbursts.  I've been struggling with a lot of this because I live with her in a small apartment.  I can't withdrawal from an argument without physically leaving the 1 bedroom apartment, and I really have nowhere to go, especially because she tends to start fights around 4 am when she wakes up feeling agitated.  Do you have any advice for how to best negotiate these things when you live in such close quarters?  Even if I leave the house or got to work, she sends texts to continue the argument, or makes threats to shave her head etc... 

[loyalwife]

I can understand the predicament of close encounters. The wonderful part about taking care of ourselves is that it's an inside job. If it doesn't make sense to disengage physically, then try to 'take a break' mentally. Pop into the shower, bake some bread or brownies, read a good book or watch a movie. If she wakes you up at 4 a.m. agitated, your job is to remain calm. She's wanting a reaction from you, and the less you give her that, the less she will try but she won't give up easily. This doesn't mean that you ignore what she is saying. Take a look at some of the videos about validation.  Listen with empathy, but do not let her beat you down. 

It is great that you are going to couple therapy, but you may need to seek a therapist for yourself that knows about BPD. When my husband and I were going together I experienced the same things you are, projection and his inability to see my side of things. I've been seeing a therapist now that is helping me cope and how do deal with him. There have been times that she has leveled with me and said "Let me know when you want to find out how to leave", but she doesn't push me that way. I spent a lot of time trying to fix him and my relationship, but now I am learning to live my life.

DBT (Dialetical Behavior Therapy) works wonder for the pwBPD. It can also help anyone that is dealing with someone that has it. Mindfulness is a beautiful thing to learn.

Focus on things that make you happy, and there will be 'fall out' that will benefit your girlfriend.

I wonder if she would really shave her head? It sounds so Britney Spears like.

[once removed]

borderline personality disorder is a disorder of emotions.

by nature, people with traits of this disorder feel more strongly than others, over emote, over express, are highly sensitive, and overreact to perceived slights.

being in a relationship with someone with traits of this disorder requires a great deal of strength, and emotional leadership.

I feel like nothing I do helps her. I have been reading everything I can on communicating, and validating,

generally speaking...

Radical Acceptance, in terms of understanding your partners behaviors, and nature, are critical. your partner does not have the skills to regulate her emotions, and she is highly sensitive. there will be meltdowns. some may be more mild or more severe than others. i think at a certain point (of severity), it becomes less about helping our partners through a meltdown, and more about navigating, coping, and to some extent, letting them be who they are, and letting them return to baseline. if your partner is furious with you, trying to help them, or trying to validate them through it, may even be seen as condescending, and might make matters worse. when it comes to validation, its easier to think in terms of "dont be invalidating" (dont make matters worse), and overall, building a validating environment, rather than trying to validate your partner out of a meltdown. if someone tells me ive hurt their feelings, i validate their feelings. if someone tells me im a       jerk, and i say "i understand how you feel", i might be talking down to them.

It seems like the meltdowns never end until I am utterly broken and ready to breakup with her.

do you think she can sense this at the time? that youre ready to break up with her?

[incognitoMe]

once removed:

I'm not sure she senses it or not.  It would be like a broken clock being right as she has never trusted my intentions.  She has broken up with me, loaded up her car 3 times, and changed her mind last minute.  I've broken down and told her to leave before, but then after hitting peak rage, she will snap out of it and go back to the woman I fell in love with within an hour or so.  It feels like unless I break down in some way too she stays in the fog.  It's like the proof she is looking for is that I won't leave even if she is in full-tilt-rage-mode.

 

[Red5]

Hello incognitoMe,

* "full tilt rage"... wow, been on the receiving end of this many many times… ouch ; (

She has broken up with me, loaded up her car 3 times, and changed her mind last minute.  I've broken down and told her to leave before, but then after hitting peak rage, she will snap out of it and go back to the woman I fell in love with within an hour or so.

I've read over and over, in every single book I have read, and heard in almost every single video I have watched… the same exact thing, "borderlines greatest underlying fear is that of abandonment… but the borderline will push and push their partners (control & chaos) to the point that the partner throws up their hands in final defeat, and subsequently leaves… thus binging about the exact thing that the borderline fears the most, being abandoned"…

I can certainly relate incognitoMe… my wife and I have recycled so many times… over the last eleven years, eight of which we were married…

… as OR writes… "borderline personality disorder is a disorder of emotions"… , "they are highly sensitive, and overreact to perceived slights"… "being in a relationship with someone with traits of this disorder requires a great deal of strength"…

And "radical acceptance" seems the only way to survive, and cope in these relationships…

Keep posting incognitoMe,

Kind Regards, Red5

[jomo564]

She has broken up with me, loaded up her car 3 times, and changed her mind last minute.  I've broken down and told her to leave before, but then after hitting peak rage, she will snap out of it and go back to the woman I fell in love with within an hour or so.  It feels like unless I break down in some way too she stays in the fog.  It's like the proof she is looking for is that I won't leave even if she is in full-tilt-rage-mode.

OMG I have seen this so many times! My wife has threatened to leave 100+ times, said our relationship was over and she's definitely breaking up dozens of times, and looked at ads for apartments dozens of times, packed a bag and stormed out of the door to go to a hotel ~5 times.

Maybe one time she stayed the night. The rest of the time she drove around finding no place had a room (or saying so), or saw a scary guy in the parking late (she can't stand anything slightly sketchy or lower class or dangerous), came back, and was all cuddles by the time she got home.

In my case, I don't think it's a test of me, so much as that she wants to know that she has the exit option. She wants to see there is a door, test the handle, and know that however awful her life feels sometimes, she can walk out and do something else. When she is dysregulated and hates me and our life, it's important that she feel that she isn't trapped.

That said, while I'm sympathetic to the reasons, it is absolute hell on me. The trigger for the incident is generally "I didn't something she didn't like, and won't agree that I'm a horrible evil scumbag, or that I will always do it her way in the future". So when she responds to that with threats to leave, then regardless of her intentions, it functions as a control tactic, ie classic emotional abuse - threatening to leave if partner doesn't yield to your will. And even though I know she has said it a hundred times and never done it, I don't know how to shut out the dysregulation without shutting out the entire relationship.

Either I let in what she says, and feel horrible when she rages at me, but can enjoy the positivity 90% of the time. Or I block myself to both, and feel no connection between us. I'm trying to learn to notice when I'm feeling negative in reaction to her, and reminding myself "Hey, I'm a different person, I have different feelings. Just because she is upset doesn't mean I need to be. In fact, I don't want to be. I'm glad I don't have that trigger reaction she is showing - very glad! So let's not get caught up in it."