I'm Still Here - but feeling defeated

[loveandcare]

Hi Everyone who remembers me -

Sorry, I've been AWOL! I just was emotionally drained, and still am sadly. A lot has happened in the past 5-6 months. I'm not sure when I last posted but I'll try and summarize. We had family stay with us over the holidays (end of 2018), and of course DD ruined it by barely showing her face, and when she did she was high. Our carefully guarded secret was shattered and I was mortified. It was awful. She then went missing and on and off for the next couple of months. When she was here it was horrible. Her thinking is so nuts you start to question your own sanity because of the way she can flip a conversation.

Some time early March (I think) we received a series of strange texts from an unknown number. To cut a long story short, and honestly I don't even know the full story - but she'd been with a group of people who did some terrible things to/with her, including threatening to kill her and beating her with a gun. They locked her in a car and were "taking her to a ranch" (I suspect sex trafficking), pulled over at a McDonalds where she managed to escape and ran to a stranger's car (a woman). The call we got were coming from this woman's house, which is why we didn't recognize the number.

By the time we picked her up, it was 24 hours later. She had a fractured eye socket and cheek bone, and a huge black-eye plus cuts and bruises. She looked horrendous. Took her to ED. She refused the rape kit. Thought (stupidly) it might be a turning point. They'd stolen from her, beaten her...surely this was a wake-up call? Nope - 2 days later she was gone again. We put our foot down and said you can only come back if you go to rehab. She agreed, sobered up at the house, we were literally getting her into the car to drive to rehab and she suddenly refused and ran off.

We kept to our word, the only way you can come back is if you go to rehab. She agreed and begged to come in, but we said no - we'll take you there but that's it, no more in the house. She slept outside for 2 days until it was time,...my DH drove several hours to get her there. Arrived and...surprise, surprise, she refused. Big drama ensues. Finally, FINALLY, get her into detox. She gets through that and into rehab. Stays a week out of a 30 day program and checks herself out.

Back home, was doing well (drug wise, but BPD wise it's still chaos). The latest drama is about getting a job, sleeping all day long, and now she claims she thinks she's pregnant. She was throwing up yesterday, but I suspect because of drugs again.

She is 100% unable to look after herself/move out, yet we don't want to keep going like this...it's a never ending cycle...yes, we are somewhat enabling her by keep taking her back. She's so pitiful it's painful to see. She's 90lbs soaking wet, and so immature it's ridiculous. The wildly opposite sides of her drive me insane - too scared to order food at a drive thru and yet hanging out with people who carry guns and do drugs. Unbelievable.

I don't know where to turn for options. She really needs to be in some kind of group home or something, although I doubt she'd stay, but living here is driving us bonkers.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[murmom]

Your post sounds so familiar to me.  My daughter, 21 years old, has behaved in similar ways and has been involved in some scary situations.  It is almost too scary not to help, so I know the feeling of being conflicted on that.  I hope there is a breakthrough for your family soon. 

[Only Human]

Hi loveandcare

I'm glad you've found your way back to us, though I'm sorry for all you've been through with your DD. It is a lot to deal with...emotionally draining for sure.

I wonder if you've heard of Al-Anon? It's a support group for families of alcoholics, based on the 12 steps of AA, and it really saved my life many years ago when I was separating from my now exH who was addicted to crank. There is also Nar-Anon, specifically for families of addicts, but I preferred Al-Anon - it's all the same really, isn't it? Addiction, alcoholism...very similar behaviors.

Have you had any success with any of the communication tools we are learning here? I started with validation with my DD26, and have seen a positive change, though it's two steps forward, one back, it seems.

You really sound like you could use some respite, are you finding time for self-care? It's really important that we do so, otherwise we will burn out, and it sounds like you're getting there   What are some things you enjoy that may be taking a back seat to the chaos in your life?

Again, welcome back to the group!

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi loveandcare

Welcome back!  I’m glad you’re back!

so immature it's ridiculous. The wildly opposite sides of her drive me insane - too scared to order food at a drive thru and yet hanging out with people who carry guns and do drugs. Unbelievable.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
All facts.

I could have written exactly the same words 4 years ago. We have toddlers in adult bodies. Things can get better and there is hope.

OH talks about the importance of validation. Also seeking further support for yourself. These are both great suggestions.

I just want to empathise with you. We see their immaturity and impetuousness and it is so very hard to not react or get frustrated and resentful.. I remember my husband saying “we aren’t equipped to help him, he needs professional help”.

Sadly, Son refused help. We achieved a lot, an awful lot, just by changing our approach to the situation.

Any news on the possible pregnancy?

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

I join the others in welcoming you back. My DS24XBPD is also involved in drugs and guns and we hate everything about it. He has been held up twice at gunpoint in his own apartment and God knows what else. He is starting to hate it too now and is working on getting out. He used to live with us but we threw him out a year ago because we refuse to allow illegal activity in our house. Plus the drama is too much
 Since he has money (from selling weed ) he and his then gf got an apartment together. After they broke up he was told they would not renew his lease. Since he does not make money "on the books" he could not get a lease in his name only. My H and I debated what to do. We did not want to enable him by co-signing a lease but we also were not ready to see him on the streets and no way could he move back with us. So my husband cosigned a two year lease for him with the understanding that he will not co sign again
 DS has 2 years to figure out how to legally earn a living.  I say all this because even though they are not the same, there are similarities in our children's situations. Neither one is yet at their turning point yet. Like OH I find Alanon to be helpful
They teach things like how to detach with love and develop serenity in our own lives regardless of the choices our alcoholic-addicted loved ones make. Posting here helps too. I hope you stick around. One step at a time.