New Member: Does my mom have BPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I’m new here and just trying to get a feel for the waters a bit. I believe my mom is pwBPD, her therapist (whose now secretly my therapist from the help of my dad) suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshells to hear my thoughts (she can’t tell me a diagnosis because HIPPA, but my dads going to try to get my mom to sign paperwork so I can be told directly about her condition).

 It was basically like reading my entire relationship with my mother. Then the book sent me to this site.. Reading through some of these posts made me feel like for the first time, I’m not alone, and not the only one going through some of these experiences and feelings. So thank you all for just a little bit of peace in all the craziness.

[Libby1208]

I’m new here and just trying to get a feel for the waters a bit. I believe my mom is pwBPD, her therapist (whose now secretly my therapist from the help of my dad) suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshells to hear my thoughts (she can’t tell me a diagnosis because HIPPA, but my dads going to try to get my mom to sign paperwork so I can be told directly about her condition).

 It was basically like reading my entire relationship with my mother. Then the book sent me to this site.. Reading through some of these posts made me feel like for the first time, I’m not alone, and not the only one going through some of these experiences and feelings. So thank you all for just a little bit of peace in all the craziness.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you decided to post to check out the water.  heh  we have someone else also doing that so I will say what I said to her:  jump in the water is fine!    We all get it here so I hope you settle in.

The situation with your therapist sounds kind of complicated.   Are you concerned that your mom will find out?

The walking on eggshells book is good and we have lots of other resources that are excellent so I am glad you are reading.  Be sure to check out the Library section of the site.

If you had to pick one thing that you find most difficult in terms of interacting with your mother, what would it be?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Libby,

Welcome to the forum. Good news your mom is in Therapy, many with BPD won't even accept a diagnosis, let a lone go to therapy. So that's all good. As you say, you are no longer alone. If you describe the odd memories of your childhood, chances are people on here will have had something similar.

[Libby1208]

I don’t think she’ll find out, but we’ll eventually tell her. For now I think she needs to focus on her relationship with my dad before she and I start to work on our issues jointly.

Regarding interacting with my mother, the hardest parts are her lack of boundaries and her utter disregard for my feelings.

For example, my parents came to visit a few weeks ago because I had a foot procedure and I wasn’t suppose to get up to do anything. When they came down she was very nice and gave me my grandparents wedding bands as a present (I was/am much closer to them than she ever was). Well the next day she regretted it, went into my bedroom (I’m 31 and married), went into my dresser and took them back, while trying to hide it. This is not the first time she went into my room and stole jewelry from me. My husband went in and tried to get her out of our room and she wouldn’t leave. My dad then tried to get her out she went into a rage until he left. She took what she wanted and walked out like everything was fine. When called out about it and told to return the jewelry she threw it at me and started telling me how wrong I was for wanting the jewelry (which I never asked for). We tried to explain more than once it wasn’t about the jewelry but rather violating our personal space by going into our bedroom, and she deflected about anything and everything. When she couldn’t get me focused on the jewelry she started being mean about my sister in law. When that didn’t work she started saying horrible things about my grandmother, which is when I decided she had gone too far so I just said “this conversation is over” and walked away.

That’s just one, recent, simple example. We don’t speak very often because My husband and I take care of my grandmother and I cannot be on my mothers emotional roller coaster right now.

[Harri]

Hi.  Thanks for sharing that story,. it gives us an idea of how she is when she gets dysregualted.

Looking back at other incidents like this, has she ever responded well when you try to reason with her or use logic?  I ask because  usually when someone is upset, it is hard to talk logic and reason and be heard, even when it involves people without BPD or BPD traits.  Add BPD into the mix and things get messy (to say the least!)

the hardest parts are her lack of boundaries and her utter disregard for my feelings.

Has she always been like this?  My mom was this way too.  Ugh!  It hurts.  I think the worst for me was not being seen as separate and all the projecting she would do. 

The best thing I can suggest for you is to keep posting and learn as much as you can about the behaviors your mom exhibits and how best to respond to them.  learn about your own boundaries, which in this case, may mean locking your bedroom door when she is over (just an example).  Expecting her to respect your privacy is not going to work.  So keep "I value my privacy" as a boundary but put the responsibility for following through and enforcing it on yourself (such as locking the door).  That way you are the one in control of taking care of yourself.

Does that make sense?