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Author Topic: Far swing of the pendulum and back  (Read 139 times)
AskingWhy
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« on: May 15, 2019, 03:17:47 PM »

uBPDh was doing so well for a long time.

For several months, he was not exploding, threatening divorce or calling me names. H has not punched a hole in the wall for months.  He presented me with a handsome piece of jewellery as a gift and said it was a long time in coming, that I deserved it, and that he did not want to be like his father.  (FIL is uNPD or uBPD.)  For your information, H is deeply enmeshed with his adult children, treats them like friends, values their opinions over mine, and has an unhealthy electra complex with his daughters.  I feel like an outsider in my own marriage.

Then in the last few weeks, things changed.  I am still in a state of depression for years of abuse, and find it hard to get out of bed and clean the house at times.  This apparently does not sit well with H.  I discovered he must have broken a ceramic flower vase and the pets' steel water dish was horribly dented.

I texted him about this and he admitted to breaking the vase with the water dish.  I wonder what his demeanour will be when he gets home from work.  Logic tells me a BPD will blame.  H will blame me for causing him to break the objects due to my laziness.

Cleaning the house seems impossible at times, and with the symbolic violence I have witnessed, I feel like I have a dagger at my back to complete these tasks.  H no longer threatens divorce, but he is still breaking items. 

https://www.doorwaysva.org/our-work/education-advocacy/the-facts-about-domestic-violence/types-of-domestic-violence/
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2019, 03:28:46 PM »

AskingWhy, are you being treated for depression? I know you've mentioned that you have some physical disability that also makes housework very difficult.

I'm glad he finally bought you a nice piece of jewelry.

Can you let the broken items go and not mention them when he returns home? Perhaps it was a one/off and his pattern won't go back to the way it was before.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
AskingWhy
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« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2019, 01:34:28 AM »

Cat, thank you for your reply.  H actually apologised for it.  He was a bit grumpy about the apology, but he made one.

I am seeing a T for CBT for the depression.   

In the past, H would have said I made him break the items.  At least he owned up to it.

Yes, the jewellery came as a shock.  He spent quite a bit on it, and I am still in shock.

As for his looking at his FOO, I wonder how much of this changed behaviour will last, and when will he next dysregulate.  I have been living with his BPD for over 20 years, and we all know on these board that we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2019, 09:05:29 AM »

That’s great news. I’m glad you didn’t react to the broken vase. Learning new ways to relate has a learning curve. It’s good that you didn’t slip into your side of the patterns.

I know we can feel like the other shoe might drop. He may have a slip up. You might too. But progress can happen and it may take practice for both of you. If anyone trips up just go back to using your relationship skills.

Our environments can reflect our emotional state and also affect it. Being depressed can make it hard to clean and organize but a messy house can put us in a grumpy mood too. Is there a possibility you can get help with this? Someone to help you clean and organize? Your therapist might have a coach in mind who helps people with this. Also a cleaning service can clean for you. It may help you both feel better.

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