Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
May 26, 2019, 12:52:35 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familar, Flourdust, Mutt, Only Human, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, FaithHopeLoveKC, formflier, I Am Redeemed, itsmeSnap, Ozzie101, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Far swing of the pendulum and back  (Read 105 times)
AskingWhy
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 607



« on: May 15, 2019, 03:17:47 PM »

uBPDh was doing so well for a long time.

For several months, he was not exploding, threatening divorce or calling me names. H has not punched a hole in the wall for months.  He presented me with a handsome piece of jewellery as a gift and said it was a long time in coming, that I deserved it, and that he did not want to be like his father.  (FIL is uNPD or uBPD.)  For your information, H is deeply enmeshed with his adult children, treats them like friends, values their opinions over mine, and has an unhealthy electra complex with his daughters.  I feel like an outsider in my own marriage.

Then in the last few weeks, things changed.  I am still in a state of depression for years of abuse, and find it hard to get out of bed and clean the house at times.  This apparently does not sit well with H.  I discovered he must have broken a ceramic flower vase and the pets' steel water dish was horribly dented.

I texted him about this and he admitted to breaking the vase with the water dish.  I wonder what his demeanour will be when he gets home from work.  Logic tells me a BPD will blame.  H will blame me for causing him to break the objects due to my laziness.

Cleaning the house seems impossible at times, and with the symbolic violence I have witnessed, I feel like I have a dagger at my back to complete these tasks.  H no longer threatens divorce, but he is still breaking items. 

https://www.doorwaysva.org/our-work/education-advocacy/the-facts-about-domestic-violence/types-of-domestic-violence/
Logged
PLEASE DO NOT TELL MEMBERS TO STAY OR LEAVE!
This board is for evaluating the pros and cons of staying or leaving a relationship. Please focus on evaluating options.
All members should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 4257



« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2019, 03:28:46 PM »

AskingWhy, are you being treated for depression? I know you've mentioned that you have some physical disability that also makes housework very difficult.

I'm glad he finally bought you a nice piece of jewelry.

Can you let the broken items go and not mention them when he returns home? Perhaps it was a one/off and his pattern won't go back to the way it was before.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
AskingWhy
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 607



« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2019, 01:34:28 AM »

Cat, thank you for your reply.  H actually apologised for it.  He was a bit grumpy about the apology, but he made one.

I am seeing a T for CBT for the depression.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

In the past, H would have said I made him break the items.  At least he owned up to it.

Yes, the jewellery came as a shock.  He spent quite a bit on it, and I am still in shock.

As for his looking at his FOO, I wonder how much of this changed behaviour will last, and when will he next dysregulate.  I have been living with his BPD for over 20 years, and we all know on these board that we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 5775



« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2019, 09:05:29 AM »

That’s great news. I’m glad you didn’t react to the broken vase. Learning new ways to relate has a learning curve. It’s good that you didn’t slip into your side of the patterns.

I know we can feel like the other shoe might drop. He may have a slip up. You might too. But progress can happen and it may take practice for both of you. If anyone trips up just go back to using your relationship skills.

Our environments can reflect our emotional state and also affect it. Being depressed can make it hard to clean and organize but a messy house can put us in a grumpy mood too. Is there a possibility you can get help with this? Someone to help you clean and organize? Your therapist might have a coach in mind who helps people with this. Also a cleaning service can clean for you. It may help you both feel better.

Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2018-2019 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
2020
_EndofLine_
12years
40days_in_desert
55books
99tesla
Aegina
agapanthus
Akiah
AKV
alphabeta
anafili
AnalogGuy
Andrew Towle
AnuDay
apocalypsenow
AriesTears
AskingWhy
aslowrealization
Astray
At Bay
babyducks
Baglady
batcon
beatrixkiddo
BeenThereB4
bestintentions
BetterLanes
bgg2745
Bittlecat
Ble55ed
BobbyLongshot
BobsBurger
BodieMarie
Boll Weevil
Boll2017
btfly745
BuckeyHusband
busybee1116
Butch13
Caco Canepa
Cat Familiar
ccjaxmom
ccpow
chayka
Chelle3
chillamom
chump
Chynna
Circle
cj488
ClearPath
clvrnn
CookieMonster80
Copycat2018
coworkerfriend
crestfallen72
CryWolf
Deb
defogging
devnid
DharmaGate
Dignity&Strength
DivDad
Dkandyk
Dotner
DoubleBP2018
Doughboy
drained1996
dumpsterdog
Duped 1
eeps
eggshelldad
Ela2011
Elpis51
Enabler
Enjoysnooker
Ex-Mother-In-Law
Eye438
FaithHopeLoveKC
fb97
Feeling Better
Fie
Firstintime
foggydew
ForeverDad
ForeverDevoted
Fossil49
Fragileweed
Francesca92
freespirit
Gemsforeyes
gettingoverit
gloveman
gorges
gotbushels
Greta1988
Hadenoughtimes4
HappyChappy
HarborBP
Harley Quinn
Harri
heartandwhole
Help_WifeIsCrazy
Hope26
hope2727
Hope80
Hopeful15
houseofelvis
Hyacinth Bucket
I Am Redeemed
IamWoman
Iloveher
incadove
Isanni
jdc
JeanGenie
Jerome Finn
JoeBPD81
joeramabeme
jones54
Jonthan
just me.
k-bliss
k54
kabunk
KarlTOO
Lbjnltx
Leah66
Learning Fast
Learnnow
leenlou
Libra
LilMe
Long_term_dad
Lovelycat
lovenature
Loving a BP
loyalwife
Luan
Lucky Jim
mama-wolf
Manifest32f
Maniplus
Maple
maried
Markey
MARS22
MeandThee29
mims
mmelibrarian
Momofadultbpd
mousemat
Mousse
mscj
mumabear
Mustbeabetterway
Mutt
naturalturn
ncDaisy2
nedley
needPeace
NGU
no_more_guilt
Northern girl
NorthernGirl
Notgoneyet
OffRoad
Omega1
Only Human
otherlife
Pam Letgo
Panda39
pcglee
peaceandlove
PeacefulMom
Pina colada
pjmanley41
prof
ProudDad12
Pugman
purpletrixie
QBert
qcarolr
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Red5
RedRyder
Reforming
ReluctantSurvivor
risingup4
robotss
Rocko
RolandOfEld
Sad4Her
sadandlonely
SamwizeGamgee
schwing
SCM
Scottie345
scrambledbeans
sdyakca
seahorse
seekerofgrace
Seekinghelp25
SerendipityChild
SES
Skip
sklamath
SkyAntoine
smallbluething
Solidshadow
Soulslider
Spam591
spero
sterlingblue
Stevenson
still around
stimpy
stolencrumbs
StressedOutDaily
SuCanDo
Sumsaam
SweetCharlotte
sweetheart
Sweetpea18
Swimmy55
takingandsending
taoyr2000
Tattered Heart
tbone1689
Teno
terranova79
theschnitz
tinker0608
Tinkerbelle
trappeddad
TRB
trumpetjazzman
truthbeknown
Tsultan
twocrazycats
TylersMom
utnapishtim428
Vanilla Sky
Vexed
walkinthepark247
Want2Know
Waveney
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
whirlpoollife
Whoad
why-how-whatnow
WileyCoyote
wilting
WindofChange
Woolspinner2000
Yaffle
zemara
Zen606
zoome46

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!