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Author Topic: Mum with BPD, I feel manipulated and used  (Read 344 times)
samlilly
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« on: May 15, 2019, 09:02:39 PM »

I'm not too sure where to begin.  I've been trying to cope with my aging mother who I'm sure has BPD.  She recently posted something very personal about my childhood on an open forum and other family and friends saw it.  I'm so hurt and offended.  When I spoke to her about it she told me she, "didn't understand the extent of social media."  I'm so tired and don't know how to respond to her anymore.  

She tells me without me and my family she has "no purpose to live" but won't make an effort to have a relationship.  She makes plans and cancels the majority of the time.  She has a shopping addiction to which she says, "it give me something to do."  

I've encouraged her to speak with her doctor and get an assessment but she told me I was "crazy" and I have no right to interfere with her health.  

I'm an only child and my relationship with my mum takes a toll on my husband and our relationship.  I'm worn out completely but not knowing what type of mood she will be in when I talk with her.  I feel manipulated and used and don't know where to turn.  
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 10:51:35 PM by Harri, Reason: changed title according to guideline 1.5 » Logged
Turkish
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2019, 10:51:15 PM »

Excerpt
She tells me without me and my family she has "no purpose to live"

This is Waifish ("rescue me") verbiage. Frustrating, but it also is true to her.

I'm on only child also, and though my mom found many proxy "replacement children" over the years, I was the default. I gave her purpose, as did they, for those times which soothes her. Only I remained as those relationships broke down.

How does she take a toll on your marriage?
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 10:51:51 PM by Harri » Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Harri
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« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2019, 02:55:03 PM »

Hi and welcome!

That is a lot of pressure your mom is putting on you when she says she has no reason to live w/out you and your family.  Ugh!  Turkish is right that it is a very 'waifish' way of talking and thinking.  If she has been this way all or even most of your life I would imagine there are some pretty strong reactions for you around feeling responsible for her.  Is that accurate?

Excerpt
I've encouraged her to speak with her doctor and get an assessment but she told me I was "crazy" and I have no right to interfere with her health.
  Telling you that you're crazy is denial and possibly projection.  The rest of it though is a choice she is making.  Several of us here have had to accept that our family member has a right to decide how to live their life no matter how unhealthy their choices may be.  It is hard and frustrating  and I am sorry you are dealing with this. 

Please keep reaching out and posting.  As you can see a lot of us really get it.  You are not alone and you don't have to be alone as you navigate your way through.

Welcome
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cle216

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« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2019, 01:50:24 PM »

Hi there!

I'm also new and here as a person with a mother with BPD, so I wanted to say "hi".

It has to be difficult as an only child to feel so much responsibility for her well being. I can relate to the difficulty it causes with your husband. My husbands reactions are much different than mine as he is angry and protective of my feelings on top of his own feelings about her behavior. How does your husband react to your mom? How about his reaction to your reactions to her?

It has helped me to think about what I can control and what I simply can't. You can offer supportive suggestions but you can't control her reaction to those suggestions or if she chooses to follow through and not seek treatment. This is so much easier said than done, I know. The thing with the social media is hard...now that she can't deny knowing that her post was public there is no excuse for repeated behavior. However, regardless if it was public to everyone or just a few, it sounds like it was content that she did not have a right to share without checking with your feelings first. It gets exhausting trying to reason with my mom with BPD...which is where my thoughts about what I can control or not have to come in to play. It has taken quite some time, but now other family members can clearly see her behaviors and that they aren't quite right, although I've respected her privacy and have not shared the BPD diagnosis when they bring it up to me.

I hope you find this board helpful. I'm new but so far I've really appreciated the discussion and just people who can relate. Check out the different tools on the boards that have surveys if you'd like...it helped open my eyes to learning about myself and accepting some difficult truths to help healing. 
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