4 weeks NC after breakup and he sent a text last night

[Jillery]

He asked if we could talk and I said yes.  He said that he can't function without me in his life and that he hates himself because he pushed me away for a second time.  He knows he disappointed me and admitted that when I express any negativity or disappointment, he gets confrontational and can't think straight.  He said that all roads to happiness lead to me.  My head, heart and stomach are all fighting with each other right now.  Seeing my girlfriends tonight and embarassed to tell them that I even spoke to him, but I know they won't judge me.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So you're embarrassed to admit to your girlfriends that you spoke with him. But what do you feel about what he told you?

[Jillery]

Thank  you for responding, Cat.  We have been talking for the past two days and it's going well, so I guess I am cautiously optimistic.  Trying to keep in mind that actions and patterns determine changed behavior, not words.

[Cat Familiar]

Trying to keep in mind that actions and patterns determine changed behavior, not words.

  Absolutely. It's not what they say; it's what they do.

[once removed]

hi Jillery,

im glad that youre sticking around while this is going on.

now is really the time to begin to learn the tools here. give this a fighting chance. with each make up/break up cycle, both parties can become less trusting, more resentful, and less certain about the direction of the relationship.

what is it that led to the most recent breakup?

he mentioned he struggles with criticism...when you express negativity or disappointment. can you give us (or did he provide) some recent examples?

[Jillery]

Thank you, Once Removed.  The most recent breakup was due to me expressing frustration that I hadn't seen him in quite a while due to distance, work etc.  But he wasn't making me a priority at all, and I gently called him on it, and he got upset and told me it was over.  We didn't speak for a month, and last week he came back wanting to fix things and really do work on himself.  Aside from going to a T, are there any books or websites that folks could recommend for someone who is trying to heal from childhood trauma and resist avoidant tendencies in relationships?

[once removed]

are there any books or websites that folks could recommend for someone who is trying to heal from childhood trauma and resist avoidant tendencies in relationships?

definitely. our book recommendations are here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

The most recent breakup was due to me expressing frustration that I hadn't seen him in quite a while due to distance, work etc.  But he wasn't making me a priority at all, and I gently called him on it, and he got upset and told me it was over.

a lot of couples fight over how much time they spend together. i know my ex wanted to spend more time together than i was comfortable with. i know another member here went through this a lot with a more recent partner...she was busy, made more time for friends, and frankly, she was kinda flaky; he thought about breaking it off but put his efforts into attracting his partner, and things got smoother.

it sounds like you want a level of demonstrated priority, and he balks at any pressure, do i have that right?

that tells you a lot. confronting him about it is not likely to work. but there are other options...several.

to get a better idea of what might work here, i have a few questions.

since the original breakup, what have the two of you done when you get together? about how often would you like to see him, what sorts of things would you like to do with him?

[Jillery]

Thanks very much for the book list, once removed.  Much appreciated.

it sounds like you want a level of demonstrated priority, and he balks at any pressure, do i have that right?

Yes, you are correct and this was stated before the last breakup.  However, as of right now, he is planning to visit me this weekend and says he is arriving tomorrow night.  This will demonstrate a lot to me. This will be the first face-to-face since our breakup--we haven't seen each other since February.  I am excited to see him but remain cautiously optimistic.

I saw my T this week and she gave me a lot of tough love.  She basically stated that he was never going to change and that I am wasting my time and energy on someone who can only ever give me breadcrumbs.  My head agrees but my heart doesn't.  Since he's been back in my life, I am walking around happy, am sleeping better and don't feel anxious and sad all the time.  I just can't believe that all of these good feelings are based in denial about the situation or that I am only happy if I'm in dysfunction. 

[once removed]

I am wasting my time and energy on someone who can only ever give me breadcrumbs.  My head agrees but my heart doesn't.  Since he's been back in my life, I am walking around happy, am sleeping better and don't feel anxious and sad all the time.  I just can't believe that all of these good feelings are based in denial about the situation or that I am only happy if I'm in dysfunction. 

i guess the question is whether you want to give this a fighting shot.

if you do, its going to require a radically different approach than before - doing things very differently, and playing the long game.

with each make up/break up cycle, trust is diminished, and it gets much harder to get the relationship on a healthy trajectory. if you wing it, or if you bring the same approach to the relationship as before, it is likely to crash and burn quickly.

what do you want to see happen here?

[Jillery]

Hello everyone, I'm back again.  I last posted in May 2019 saying my partner had come back after our 2nd breakup and I was pulled right back in.  I just ended things a week ago and feel like this may just be the end.  Since I last posted, I enforced a lot of boundaries with him and in some ways things had improved.  Our relationship shifted from me being afraid to lose him, to him being afraid to lose me.  I began to voice my frustrations and he did become better about talking things through vs just breaking up.  But the river of lies beneath us was still gurgling and I still hadn't brought most of them up to him.  He thought things were great and I knew this was all going to bubble up eventually.  I didn't have the strength to bring up any old issues/lies for fear of rocking the boat.  But I also didn't panic at the idea of losing him.  I think he could feel that and was mostly on his best behavior.  Last week we went on our first real vacation in 4 years of dating.  It started out great but one morning he woke up in a bad mood and the whole day was him lashing out at me for stupid things.  This is a vacation I've been going on with my daughter every year for the past 12 years.  This time around I found myself crying in the shower while he slept.  My daughter was scheduled to visit us there but we weren't sure when.  After I came out of the shower, he was in bed and I thought he was sleeping.  I got in bed and he started in the fight again.  I would almost fall asleep and he would keep going.  Arguing like a 5 yr old, talking over me etc.  It was the worst fight we've head, I raised my voice for the first time and called him out on a lot of things.  Of course he didn't hear it so I just went silent.  Neither of us knew that my daughter and her friend heard the whole argument.  He got up to get some air outside and my daughter immediately confronted him.  She said "you need to get f*** out of here.  Don't ever talk to my Mom like that again".  He was embarassed and ashamed and apologetic and we all just went to sleep because it was so late.  The next morning he was apologetic and said all the right things.  I took my daughter aside and apologized that she heard the whole mess.  I asked her what bothered her the most about the argument, as I wasn't sure why she was so upset.  She said, "you really don't know?  Mom, he was gaslighting you and manipulating you.  You kept ending the argument and he kept waking you up to keep arguing."  At that moment, I realized how right she was.  I was used to him, that I lost sight of what he was doing to me.  Again.  (part 1)

[Jillery]

I just realized this post should now be in the "ending a relationship" category so I will keep posting there.

[once removed]

I just realized this post should now be in the "ending a relationship" category so I will keep posting there.

we see this a lot.

a member gets back in the relationship, and disappears from their support group. comes back when things have gone south.

gets back into the relationship, disappears again.

whether youre done or not, you dont have to face this alone. its shooting yourself in the foot to disappear from your support group.

theres no shame in going back. there is futility in going back if you dont have a game plan that looks radically different.