Being angry and contentious is not a good idea.
If there is a possibility of you staying, then none of this is good. Your actions are seeding resentments and breaking down the relationship fabric to a point where things are not going to be recoverable. Maybe you run off into the night and hide in Idaho with your child. Maybe it ends with a horrific DV incident. Maybe an affair. Maybe a suicide. My point is that if you continue on the current trajectory for any period of time, there is likely a very unfavorable outcome and these things often come when you least expect them.
You are finding some comfort in shutting down and standing up to him and fighting back. I get that. Your feel justified and empowered. It's a normal feeling. It may be fully justified.
It's important, however, to know that this is situation is a ticking time bomb. There is likely a significant counter reaction brewing.
Alot of what you share here speaks to me, if not all of it. My BPD husband has always been about hating women's rights, etc., which surprised me because I did not see it in his dad or in his family. He has told me all kinds of things about not being feminine, all of which have been incredibly degrading.
I am also noticing the remarks about the ticking time bomb and am wondering if it applies to me. After an attempt at divorce this past year, I withdrew the paperwork. It seemed at first that things were getting better in our marriage. That lasted maybe 6 weeks before my BPD husband started back in.
He is ranting nearly constantly with all kinds of things of how I wronged him with trying to divorce him. I am also struggling with anxiety and, with the verbal and emotional abuse, he has dealt out, I believe I nearly lost it mentally and emotionally myself this past year. I am getting help from a trauma therapist and that is helping. However, anything that triggers me with my BPD husband has an automatic impact on me. My hands are shaking as I write this which has been my experience with anxiety in the past year.
After 39 years of pretty much pure hell with this man, I am wondering what I am doing still married to him when nothing seems better and everything seems like it is getting worse. I am trying to keep the marriage intact as we have children and grandchildren. My concern with divorcing is that my BPD husband will ramp up the connecting with children and grands. He did this when we separated. While I am glad he wants to have a relationship with them, I can also see the damage he has done to our children. I just don't see how our family could have any kind of decent relationship together if we divorce.
I am open to thoughts and ideas. And like many who post here, I am hanging on by a thread.
