Re: I cant do this: Part 3

[Theperfectsky]

Mod note:  this is continued from Part 2  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336449.0

Harri

No not appt. That I dont go alone to get my things I already know that. Im not going to go alone.

That i have 2 options for my cats. Try to explain to him why I cant get them yet...which didn't work. Or see if my son's father can get them. I'll have to talk to him tomorrow about that.

Setting boundaries and keeping minimal to no contact

Really didnt tell me much more than I already knew.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi again.

Thanks for calling them.  Have you made an appointment to sit down with someone yet?

I am sorry that you did not get any new information by calling them.  It is still important to get help though TPS.  You will have things to work out, not the least of which will be visitation for your daughter.  How are you going to manage that calmly and without inflaming the situation?  Having a good handle on boundaries also means knowing how to express them in ways that are beneficial to you and the situation you find yourself in.

We can help you some with that and the DV professionals will be able to do much more than we can or that you can do on your own.

I am glad you will not be going back to him and that you are angry about this situation.  It is a healthy response and one that can lead to healing when channeled properly.  Again, I am concerned that you are talking and handling things in ways that are only going to make things more difficult and volatile in the future.

Do you see my concern?

[Theperfectsky]

Yes I see your concern

He will continue to go back and forth. He called this morning and said he would watch the cats that he was "sorry" for last night. he doesn't want things to be nasty between us. Talked about getting back together again. To which I said the same thing I've been saying.

I'm usually calm. So that won't be a problem.

What do you suggest I do if I'm not handling things correctly?

[once removed]

hi Tps,

To which I said the same thing I've been saying.

can you remind me what this is?

[Theperfectsky]

Standing my ground. I moved I lost my job. This isnt some little fight. This is serious. I'm not coming back

[SunandMoon]

You sound like you're doing really well, TPS.

The problem is he will probably continue to cycle - being nice and talking about reconciling, flipping back to nasty and threatening. Being in daily contact allows the cycles to continue. At some point he'll get frustrated that you're not doing what he wants and things can really escalate.

If he flips out over what you are saying, or really realises you are not coming back, he could do anything. He might even come there.

The goal is to minimise contact and minimise conflict, so that you can work together for things that have to be worked through in the future: collecting your cats and possessions, separation of assets, divorce, custody of your daughter, co-parenting, etc.

This is a really good workshop that you might like to read:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61980.0

That i have 2 options for my cats. Try to explain to him why I cant get them yet...which didn't work. Or see if my son's father can get them. I'll have to talk to him tomorrow about that.

Option 2 is interesting. Did you talk to your son's father yet?

[Theperfectsky]

My ex is keeping the cats until I can get them

[Theperfectsky]

Having a rough night. My son's father who seemed supportive and understanding is no more. Im guessing because he's dropping off our son tomorrow and this is making him angry so hes lashing out at me. Bringing back the past before I moved last year.

I'm feeling guilty for leaving. Could I have found somewhere to stay in SC until I got my own place? According to him I just ran away and didn't think this through. I'm selfish and think of no one but myself. I told him I was extremely sorry. I didnt ask for this to happen. It wasnt safe. I had no choice.

[SunandMoon]

Take a deep breath, TPS. Have a calm, face to face conversation with your son's dad tomorrow. Describe some of the things that happened and that, yes, it wasn't safe for you and it wasn't safe for his son either.

Let him know that you don't want your son exposed to abuse and that you need his support to get free of it.

Living where you are now isn't necessarily permanent but for now this is what you had to do. Get him on board in a caring way - ask for his support.

Good luck!
SaM x

[SunandMoon]

How is it going TPS?

Did you have a chance to talk to your son's father yet?

[Theperfectsky]

Not face to face no. We had talked about all this before. He knows. He said he understood and was here to support me.

I'm ok. I'm missing SC and my home and my job my ex. Missing all of it really. Trying to look for a place to live. My old job i had before I moved may need someone for fill in. So trying to find care for my children. It's very stressful at the moment.

[SunandMoon]

I'm missing SC and my home and my job my ex. Missing all of it really.

Totally understandable, TPS. Everything in your life changed really  quickly - it's going to take a while to come to terms with it all.

It's normal to wish everything had worked out. It's even normal to start making excuses to yourself and convince yourself it wasn't really that bad. Take it one day at a time.

I know you probably don't have much money and you have two little kids to take care of, but are you doing anything nice just for yourself? Catching up with an old friend for lunch or just getting out to do something you enjoy?

[Theperfectsky]

No I'm a couple of hours away from everyone and don't have anyone to watch the kids for me to do that. It is what is

[Harri]

Hi TPS.  Can you give us an update on how you are doing and if you have taken steps to talk with a DV counselor and maybe get some legal help?

Also, have you been able to get outside, go for walks, play with the kids?  Is there a Library nearby?  Sometimes they have day programs for the kids.  Just trying to brainstorm here.    I hope you are well.

[Theperfectsky]

Im struggling this week. I made a new post.

Ive talked with a DV counselor. They haven't told me anything new. Ive done a lot of reading on this on my own.

Legal help no. Ive been focused on finding a job and a place to live

Yea I've got out and done things