How long should you wait before dating again? Six months? A year? Thoughts?

[WindofChange]

The answer probably depends on the person, I guess.  I just wondered about others who've gone through the detachment process.  How long did you wait?  I know we can't rush through the process and that it takes time.  Just curious to know about other peoples' experiences.

[flourdust]

I'm certain this depends on the person ... though sometimes it's clear (at least to outsiders) that someone is bypassing the healing process by not waiting long enough or is stuck in fear and unable to move forward.

For me, I gave myself a one-year moratorium on dating after I separated from my ex. I made this choice consciously to prevent myself from acting on temptation. I was certainly not ready during that year -- still too codependent, too hurt and reactive from my traumatic experiences, in need of focusing on more important things than new relationships.

After that year was over, I wasn't feeling as raw, but I didn't have much of an urge to date. I did sign up for a dating website but immediately discovered that I did not feel up to it. It was another year before I started dating, and I felt grounded, healthy, and able to make much better choices in doing so.

Now this was after a 13 year marriage. A more generic timetable for getting back into dating after a much shorter and more casual relationship would probably be shorter for most people.

[I Am Redeemed]

It's been eighteen months since I left stbx, and nearly seven with NC. I have not dated anyone, nor do I have the urge to do so. I feel that I have too much work yet to do on myself, and I think that a new relationship would distract me from my priorities.

For a while, I was dead set that I would never date or marry again...never, never, never, ever, ever. Now, I am slowly opening up to the possibility that it may happen sometime in the future, but I am nowhere near ready, and I am ok with that. I like just being me for now, and focusing on getting my degree and taking care of my kids. I would like to do much more work on the unhealthy patterns and negative core beliefs I have had from childhood before I consider sharing part or all of my life with someone again. In my current state, I do not have the ability to be a good partner to someone, and I acknowledge and accept that.

[once removed]

i took the year out too, deliberately. my confidence historically takes a beating after breakups and i need to be gentle, not set myself up for rejection, or for too much validation through another person.

i think a time table is kind of arbitrary. its more about expectations and making better choices.

for example, maybe actively dating is sort of your norm, and getting back out there is part of getting back to normal. for one person, that might be the best thing, when they feel ready. for another person, maybe they ought to consider a new norm, new choices.

or for another example, when we are grieving, we are to a lesser or greater degree, emotionally unavailable. i dont know if that necessarily should always preclude dating, if you are honest with yourself and others about what you are and arent looking for.

[WindofChange]

Thank you for the thoughtful answers. They make a lot of sense. I'm not really looking to date anyone, although a few months ago I did jump into seeing someone a couple of weeks after my previous breakup. I know it wasn't a good idea. The man I went out with was a nice guy I had seen a few times last summer after I moved out of the apartment I shared with my ex. I think I was trying to force myself to move on. I did like the man, he's a good guy. But it was waayyy too soon.  
Redeemed, I'm glad you're moving away from being dead set against another relationship ever. Obviously it must have been very traumatic for you to feel that way. But it is good that you're working on yourself. I'm sure I need to do that as well.
A year sounds like a good timetable to set, Once removed and Flourdust. I need to find me again. The me who isn't a wife any longer (for several years), isn't a fiancé or girlfriend. The me who is an empty nester who's pursuing a degree and exploring what makes me happy. One thing that makes  me happy is kayaking. I did that this morning with a group, and I loved it. There were nice men in the group who were just helpful and friendly (I'm still kind of a newbie).
This probably will sound amazing to some, but since I got married 25 years ago, I really haven't had any male friendships. I've rarely exchanged anything more than casual small talk with men in my office (most are attorneys so it's a hierarchy thing--I'm the receptionist/admin asst). Even when I was married and we were involved in church, it was always just getting together as a group, there were no men I could say were friends. Maybe that's part of getting married. Then I went from my husband straight to my ex. I really never had much opportunity to have male friends. My ex was very jealous and suspicious of any man I talked to even casually anyway.
So now I just want to explore being me, and have friendships, female and male. Sorry to run on and on, but in talking with some of the men in the kayaking group, it got me thinking about all of this. I'm sure I need to work on strengthening my boundaries, as I realized from this relationship that I have boundary issues. Looking back, I can see the boundary issues as a pattern that caused problems at different times in my life.
A year ago, I was devastated when I moved out.  Since that time, even though we had gotten back together for several months, I always held a little of myself back. I tried to really see things objectively (though I wasn't always successful). A few months ago, I prayed for God to open my eyes to the things about him that I wasn't seeing which I really needed to see. And I think He did that. I feel pretty good. I struggle with some depression and a little sadness, but I am so much better than I was last year. I'm starting to feel good about exploring who I am, working on myself, and being content being single for a while instead of feeling like I have to be with a man.
Thanks if you're still reading (sorry so long!).  You know how it is. It helps to pour out our thoughts on here.  

[itsmeSnap]

I went on a date when I thought I was ready, close to five months after being ghosted by my now BPDexgf.

It didn't go as I expected, had anxiety and gut feelings of dread and all sorts of wacky stuff going on with me. It has settled down since then.

Point is, you either plan for it (and likely not go as expected) or it lands on you whether you're ready for it or not and you make the best of it either way.

Thanks if you're still reading (sorry so long!).  You know how it is. It helps to pour out our thoughts on here.  

It definitely does

[WindofChange]

Hi ItsmeSnap. I'm sure that was awful to be on a date feeling that way! I'm glad things have settled down for you since then. Yeah, I guess I'll just have to play it by ear if an opportunity comes along later on. For now, I don't really have any desire and I know it's too soon.

[Starfire]

It depends on the person and probably also on the nature and length of the relationship.  I was only with my BPD ex for 2 years, not married, no children.  The break up drug along for ages.  We were breaking up for as long as we were together, I think.  Point being, I had no legal issues, no substantial ties to him, and less investment in the relationship in terms of time.  That probably made it easier for me to move on when it was finally done.

(Realizing that I didn't have this perspective a year ago when I was 3 months no contact, but it's quite clear to me now after 15 months no contact.)

Each person should trust their own instincts and not feel like there's a timetable.

[PeteWitsend]

Agree there can't be a "one size fits all" timeline here.

I think it depends on the person, the relationship, whether there are young kids involved, etc.

In was so happy and relieved to be out, I felt ready to date again from the get-go, and I have, although I've avoided getting back into a serious relationship. 

I do think I'll need to get some perspective on what's "normal" after years of excessive emotional responses from my uBPDXW.  I think I may see red flags where there are none, and be more likely to bail when issues arise.  

I know everyone has ups and downs and there are conflicts even in healthy relationships.  but I also know that while I ignored or rationalized away red flags, there are plenty of stories here from people who really were blindsided by a change in their partner after a genuinely happy period, so I don't want to end up sucked into something that goes sour, only after I'm fully committed.

I guess that makes me somewhat less likely to get back into a relationship

[WindofChange]

Thanks for responding, Starfire and Pete. My ex and I didn't have children together and no financial ties either (other than money I've loaned him, but it's not a huge amount). It was hard for me initially to consider that the relationship would really not work out, but I've gotten past that (after a LOT of back and forth, some breakups and recycles). As for dating again, I don't feel ready right now for a relationship. I wouldn't mind dating casually, but I don't know how that would go. I don't want to just have a physical relationship with someone I don't have an emotional tie to. I did that when I was younger, a few times, and it's not something I want at this point in my life. Most of the time when you start seeing someone, they figure that physical intimacy is a given at some point, right? So yeah, I guess I'll hold off on dating for a while.
Pete, I have some concern about not seeing red flags, although I think now I'm so gun shy I might see them where there are none, . With my ex, I can look back and see the red flags that popped up occasionally, then became more frequent later on. I chose to rationalize them away because I knew he suffered from depression, so I gave him leeway because of that.
Despite that, I don't think we should let that keep us from ever having a serious relationship again. I hope you will be somewhat open to it in the future. You'll recognize the red flags now, I think. I think with what we on this site have gone through, we will be more watchful. It's just finding the balance between being aware without going overboard.

[once removed]

regarding red flags, my advice would be to put more stock in what you want in a partner than what to avoid. a member here once compared it to picking out fruit in a grocery store. if youre a good "fruit picker", filtering out the "bad fruit" wont be much of an issue.

dating again is definitely trial and error, in that regard. my first two escapades didnt go so well. have fun and discover what you want in a partner. generally speaking, our bad choices are more of a danger to us than another person and their issues.