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Author Topic: 2 year relationship with someone with BPD, i want to leave but im feeling guilty  (Read 386 times)
APM3322

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: May 18, 2019, 02:02:15 PM »

Hi all will try keep this short as possible, i met this girl 2 years ago when i came out of a bad relationship, she was very upfront and full on the first time we met so naturally i fell into the trap and we started a relationship as i havnt really felt wanted for a while then and she seemed like she genuinely needed and wanted me etc , ive always felt insecure and the way she was around me made me feel loved. 2 years on we have always been on and off , arguments (not physical) are a common thing, ive had suspicions of her cheating and basically caught her red handed but she denied it and i forgave her. we have a 8 month old child who has been placed in my care , she constantly says if i leave her for good it will destroy her and she wont be able to cope and i honestly feel trapped. the relationship is based around her and her needs, any little thing i say no to gets escalted and thrown way outta proportion and blown up. i am constantly walkin on eggshells, she spreads rumours about how bad i treat her etc. one min she loves me soo much and is all over me the next she hates me and says things to me that i wont repeat. i do love her 100% but i feel the time has come to call it a day but i dont want to hurt her and i have tried in the past to walk away but it just happens that we get back together due to her being down that ive left her and putting me on a guilt trip etc. i feel stuck in this spiral of love and hate and i just want out but i cant bring myself to do it.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

SunandMoon
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 223



« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2019, 09:10:27 AM »

Hi APM and welcome!  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

It sounds like you've been through a lot in 2 years. Most of the people here get it. These relationships can be rollercoasters and really take a toll on our emotions. We understand.

A lot of the time, our relationships can become more stable by learning different ways of communicating and responding to our partners. There is lots of great information on this site (start by exploring the topics listed under "tools" at the top of the page).

Is this something you'd be interested in doing?
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Harri
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2019, 10:57:30 AM »

Hi APM  Welcome

What you describe sounds confusing and hurtful.  I am sorry this is going on.  I am glad you are reaching out for support.   As SunandMoon said, we get it here.  This is the Bettering a Relationship board where you will learn tools and skills along with others who want to improve things for their self regardless of whether they stay in the relationship or not.  This is important especially because you have a child together.

You mentioned your child has been placed in your care.  What do you mean? 

How long do your break-ups typically last and can you tell us more about what is said by the both of you?

Sorry, just trying to get a better picture of what is going on.

I hope you share more and settle in and read and jump into other threads.  By doing so you will not just help others but help yourself as well. 

Again, welcome.
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
APM3322

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2019, 02:06:13 PM »

Hi APM  Welcome

What you describe sounds confusing and hurtful.  I am sorry this is going on.  I am glad you are reaching out for support.   As SunandMoon said, we get it here.  This is the Bettering a Relationship board where you will learn tools and skills along with others who want to improve things for their self regardless of whether they stay in the relationship or not.  This is important especially because you have a child together.

You mentioned your child has been placed in your care.  What do you mean? 

How long do your break-ups typically last and can you tell us more about what is said by the both of you?

Sorry, just trying to get a better picture of what is going on.

I hope you share more and settle in and read and jump into other threads.  By doing so you will not just help others but help yourself as well. 

Again, welcome.

hi thanks for the response, when partner was pregnant the childrens services here the the UK ( not sure what the U.S equivalent is ) got involved due to her mental health problems etc. we lived together for 6 months at my house, 5 while she was pregnent and 1 when baby was born, childrens services picked up on the conflict and arguments and stated that she would have to move out and they would like me to have full custody of little one due to concerns of our relationship and her mental well being and previously she has had a child removed from her care and adopted a few years back due to her issues. anyway, CS stopped being involved after a month of baby being with me and were happy with everything ( mother having supervised contact ). we started to get back together however she lived at her mums as i explained i wanted to take it slowly and baby needs to come first. i know i shouldnt have gotten involved romantically with her again but i find it so hard to say no to her due to the guilt i feel and genuine sympathy for her . she is a good mum but really struggles with the emotional side of parenting. ever since we have been living separatly but still together , she has her contact with baby on the given days and occasionally she stays a day or 2 in the week. the frequency of the break ups have always been monthly , lasting for 3-4 days , she has always avoided face to face conflict, has always been by text, saying she hates me and regrets ever meeting me calling me every name under the sun, accusing me of not loving her then a day or 2 later id get a text saying she misses me never an apology but saying where i went wrong and she wants me to change this and that so we can be togther again .we didnt argue at all the first 2 months as i would do everything she asked , got to the point where i said no to a couple of things and from then onwards it has been regular. she has constantly accused me of being a control freak and i need to see a therapist purely based on me not bending over to her demands. whilst she was pregnant she was worried id be usuing her for a baby and id leave her (never my intention) and id react by re assuring her but it wouldnt be enough and i would recieve texts saying id never see the baby but i didnt pay too much attention since baby has been born the arguments have been her demanding me to let her have more time and too show her more love etc . i explain to her that i want t take things slowly and i feel i show her alot of love i just feel shes being un realistic. the past month have been really bad i explained to her im feeling drained with it all and tried to explain my point of view and she says if i ever leave her she would be broken and lost and would negatively affect her mental health . i cannot keep dealing with the emotional blackmail but i do not want to make her feel broken and hurt her. sorry for the essay
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APM3322

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2019, 02:11:09 PM »

ive explained to her i  want to try and help her and support her but she refuses any kind of help, i know she used to see a therapist but she stopped a few months back.
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SunandMoon
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 223



« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2019, 09:13:40 AM »

Excerpt
i cannot keep dealing with the emotional blackmail but i do not want to make her feel broken and hurt her. sorry for the essay

It's good to share APM. More background helps us understand what's going on and how we may be able to help.

You have a lot to consider here, as you have a baby to protect too. And changes to your living arrangements and visitation involve CS as well. I'm thinking that your partner's mental problems must be quite bad for CS to have given you custody. I'm sorry.

It sounds like she uses a lot of FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - to control you and keep you attached.

Please take some time to read this workshop and let us know what you think: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926
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