tired, traumatized, would have been gone long ago if it wasn't for our 16 mo old

[oftentimes]

One of my primary trauma responses is to dive into research. This has been a harrowing two year journey throughout which I've read every book, every manual, every piece of research and academic literature I could find on BPD and whether or not healthy romantic relationships will every be possible. My conclusion: despite the mental health field coming a long way in understanding the illness, it is still widely misunderstood, often misdiagnosed, and frequently untreated or treated inappropriately by therapists who 'think' they understand. Who suffers? Us loved ones. Of course the person with BPD suffers too, but frankly, I'm sick to death of this only being about them. I have complex trauma. I have mental health issues (bipolar II) - but I take responsibility for my actions. In my late twenties, when my bipolar disorder really started manifesting, I put my family through two years of hell. I know what it's like to feel like you're losing your grip on reality. I know what it's like to not have control. But just because my manic episodes made me someone who I am not does not mean that my family should have been expected to tip toe around and set their emotional needs aside. They stuck by me. But they did because I took ownership. I sought treatment. I haven't had an episode in 5 years and it's likely I never will. I learned my triggers for mania and I learned how to manage them. Why is it that I am supposed to be "understanding" of his abuse? Sure, I get that it's not in his control. But his recovery IS in his control. People with BPD aren't crazy maniacs who have zero ability to understand their actions or take steps to change them (unless they're having an episode). Yet so many of the BPD books ask us to sideline appropriate emotional responses to abuse (like anger) so as to 'protect' the BPD person. What about me? Why are my emotions second to his? Why is it assumed that there are no negative consequences for us when we do this? I have stuck by my partner with BPD for two years, through 4 suicide attempts, 5 hospitalizations, and horrific emotional and psychological abuse. Why? Because I don't want him to completely traumatize our daughter up by either killing himself or going untreated - l love him, too, but love is not enough to put up with this. My boundaries were simple and I have kept them: STAY in therapy (we have finally found a therapist who knows what she's doing), go to DBT, stay sober, don't cheat. We'd been going to couples counseling too. His most recent suicide attempt was 3 weeks ago. He lost it when trying to move a piece of furniture to the basement and took it out on me. I told him he needed to leave the house until he was calm. He left and then came back 30 seconds later trying to break the door down. I told him I was afraid of him and that he needed to leave and calm down before he could come in. One hour later, I get a picture of a handgun in the passenger seat of the car and the text: I found a way to calm down...So hospitalization #5 proceeds with the same trauma, remorse, apologies etc. When he was released, a staff member at the hospital suggested he check out AA Groups for added community support .I thought it was a great idea and at first, it was, until he got a sponsor. His sponsor has completely taken over as my partner's therapist, relationship advisor, spiritural guru, and life coach. They text / call 24/7 (this is not an exaggeration, it's like two teenagers in love). My partner talks about his substance abuse issues as if he were a hardcore addict (it is grandiose and delusional) - he told me if he didn't talk to his sponsor all the time, he was just one step away of shooting up heroin under a bridge. Umm what? heroin? He has never done heroin in his life. He has never even been a daily or even weekly drinker. But AA and the addict are his new identity. That program comes above all else. His sponsor is advising him about who to cut out of his life and those people just so happen to be EVERY other support person he has. Me. His mother. And his therapist / doctors. He connected him with a job in another state and he got the interview and plans to move away if he gets it. The whole thing is just so disordered and harmful. It's clear the sponsor has boundary issues (honestly, he seems like a narcissist) - he called me to tell me to get out of partner's life and go to al-anon bc I was "part of the problem", he called and told his mom the same thing. My partner explained that I would never understand the "intimacy" of his relationship with his sponsor, that I would never understand him or be able to support him like he could. I don't blame my partner. He was in a VERY vulnerable state and is being preyed on by a highly toxic and manipulative person. The problem is that AA is completely unregulated. There are ZERO ways to report abusive sponsors. I've called local chapters, national chapters - hell I even emailed aa cultwatch in the UK. I went to an al anon meeting. All the same advice: you can't help him. You need to focus on yourself. Sorry, but that is unacceptable to me in these circumstances - it's the equivalent of seeing a toddler fall into the deep end and saying 'well, I can' only control my actions, hope they learn to swim.' If my partner ends up killing himself (which seems VERY likely at this point), I need to at least be able to look our daughter in the eye and tell her I fought for his life with every thing I possibly could. I had to go no contact yesterday because he was trying to manipulate me into supporting him when I had made clear that if his sponsor was going to be his primary partner for support, I would not be. Standing my ground is so hard. I love him. I want him to be well. And I'm terrified for his life.

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[SunandMoon]

Hi oftentimes and welcome 

This is a really tough situation. I can understand how worrying it must be to see your partner being controlled by his sponsor and identifying as an addict. Almost a strange kind of transference.

Is your partner still seeing his therapist? If so, is he/she aware of what's happening?

[oftentimes]

Thanks so much for the response - he does have a therapist (he has two, one we see together and one he sees on his own.) I met with our couples counselor about all of this yesterday. She's really worried about the situation and if he was willing to go see her or his other therapist (and keep seeing them), they could help work through the current splitting of AA/his sponsor so he could assess his situation clearly. The problem is, he won't see them anymore. He doesn't think he needs to. He believes that if he solves his 'addiction' problems (which he thinks are rooted in him being spiritually diseased), then the BPD problems will solve themselves. These are his sponsors words. I know they are bc it's exactly what he told me when he called me to tell me to "let him go and work on himself through AA." I feel like I'm at an impasse and while I do realize that I cannot control his actions, it's really hard to just do nothing when I know how this will inevitably play out. No one knows his BPD like I do bc I've been the person bearing the brunt of it for the past two years. I know his cycles, his triggers, and how they progress and eventually end with attempted suicide. There are only so many times an one can attempt before they are successful though. I know he doesn't actually want to die - he knows that too, but the fact that his attempts have now risen to the lethality of a gun as the means is just terrifying and heartbreaking to me.

I know my post was long and angry. I also realized that it seems like I contradict myself, but when I was thinking about how I was saying both "he should be responsible for his recovery" and simultaneously comparing him to a toddler, I realized that it was actually a reflection of the contradictions inherent in his BPD. It makes things confusing as a partner and generally leads to me getting gaslit or blamed for his behavior. I'm really glad that didn't (or hasn't happened here. I really need a safe space to sort this all out and I'm so grateful to have found this forum.

[SunandMoon]

I know my post was long and angry. I also realized that it seems like I contradict myself... 

It's okay, oftentimes. This is a safe place to talk, vent and write things out. We all get frustrated at times. It's not easy.

Especially with a situation as complicated as this. While he's under the spell of his AA sponsor and refusing to see his therapists, there's not a lot you can do.

If you try to force him or set ultimatums, it will probably push him further away.

At the moment he's living a reality where he is an addict and AA is going to solve all his problems. I suppose that might seem easier to him, or preferable, than having BPD and facing years of therapy and hard work.

You've been through similar so I think you'll know how to support him and that's probably the best you can do for now. Be the constant support in his life so that when he does start spiralling, he knows he can come to you.

I know it's not ideal. What do you think?

[oftentimes]

Yeah, I think you're right about any attempt to get through to him driving him further away. I also need to set boundaries though. When his illness is untreated, he is not a safe person for me or our daughter to be around. His violence toward me became physical in the fall and escalates each time he has an episode. I can't risk it, especially with our daughter. So Ive told him that I love him and respect his choices for his own recovery, but that if he isn't seeking help for his BPD as recommended by his doctors, he cannot be around us. He's interpreted this as me "standing between him and his recovery" - this narrative is being reinforced in AA meetings / and his sponsor who are saying that many relationships end when one partner gets sober and the other won't accept the lifestyle change.  That he needs to cut his losses and move on to a healthy life (hence the move to a city 10 hours away from us). His splitting of me is being reinforced and justified by people who have zero idea what's actually going on. It's really painful and angering. I don't think my partner owes me anything. I know that my decision to weather this storm with him was my choice and that it doesn't put him in any kind of 'debt' to me. But it is just so painful to have worked so hard and sacrificed so much to support him only to be suddenly discarded as someone who means him harm and doesn't want him to recover because I'm a drunk. I'm not a "drunk" - but my nightly glass of wine according to AA means I have a problem, sure not the greatest of drinking habits, but it hardly makes me an alcoholic.  It is something I'd give up in support of my partner's health in a heartbeat if he asked me to and was actually seeking treatment for his issues. He's conveniently forgotten this offer.

It breaks my heart to have to draw this hardline with our daughter. She talks about him all the time. She's saying "dadda" in her sleep. She looks for him out the window and calls his name. It's absolutely killing me. I'm trying to stay clear headed and remember how traumatizing his violent outbursts are for our family. She's almost 17 months old and refuses to walk. She's been talking full sentences since 11 months - she's really smart and physically perfect. I'm really upset to think that this delay in walking is because of the emotional distress she's witnessed / experienced in our home.  I'm trying not to think about the void she may hold forever if he abandons her. She's sensitive like he is. I can see it in her and I'm terrified that his abandonment is going to send her down the very same path. I'm also working REALLY hard to not project any of this on to her. She is not him and I can't let my subconscious fears turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I hope it's the right thing to do, but I suppose only time will tell.