How do I get my brain to realize I am better off without this person?

[VMJ7675]

I posted the other day that it’s been about four months since my BPD best friend of 4 years completely ghosted me.  For a little while I thought I was doing better but I’ve been having a rough time again. There have been triggers – she lives less than a mile from me and I ended up driving behind her for a while the other day and then a friend of mine told me last night that she saw her at the place where I exercise earlier this week.  I assumed she had completely stopped going there in an  attempt to avoid me and for whatever reason I’m so bothered to think she would go back to this place that for me has been an important outlet, but now I worry I could run into her there.  My friend also mentioned that she had gained a lot of weight.  And another friend told me she heard she is still drinking a lot what she was doing at the end of our friendship.

I don’t know why am so upset hearing these things. She cut me out of her life – it’s not my problem if she’s drinking and gaining weight etc. etc.  But I still feel sad to hear that she’s not taking care of herself and that she trashed somebody who was a really strong support to her (me that is).  And also, she approached my friend at the gym to talk to her… How can she just go up to people she knows are my friends and act like everything is normal?  She only knew this person through me.

And she also told my friend that she is heading overseas for 6 months.  I don’t know when she is leaving or any details about where, but this of course made me feel sad too.  Partially because it means she will really be physically distant... I guess deep down my mind says this will ensure there will be no chance for her to show up and apologize... Something I know won’t happen but I still fantasize about.  But two, it’s sad to me that we were so very close just four months ago and now she wouldn’t even share that news with me.  I hear it through somebody else.

My smart brain knows that in the long run I am better off without her.  There was so much conflict in my life when she was in it. And while she’d make me feel really wonderful sometimes, she’d make me feel truly awful at other times.  My other friends never make me feel awful.

But when I hear these things and I catch a glimpse of her so many things are going through my head... Is she still going to therapy?  Does she still think about me at all or has she literally shut me out of her mind?  Etc.  But really it all boils down to me being crushed by the fact that she could completely cut me out of her life when all I did was love and care for her and support her. I couldn’t have given more – in fact I gave too much.

But the rational part of me knows I’m the one who is better off. I have a loving husband and three loving children. I want to just move on with my life but I can’t seem to do it.  Last night I was once again crying over her and my husband is really trying to be supportive but he is tired of it.  For him it is a huge relief that she is gone... she was taking tons of my time and making me a mess and that wasn’t fair to my family – I recognize that.  But because of this I feel so alone in my grief. Last night my husband said to me “ I just cannot understand why it’s taking you so long to get over this.”  And he also told me he thinks I need to hide the fact that it still bothering me from my kids because he’s not sure how it’s going to affect him to see that this has upset me for so long.  He really wasn’t trying to be unkind but these things just made me feel a lot worse.  I know he just wants me to be happy again and be the same person I was before all of this happened but unfortunately it’s just not that easy.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has any strategies that have helped them not be triggered by hearing things about their ex BPD, and strategies that have helped them really see that they are better off without this person (and that they have it much better than the person who will be suffering from BPD for the rest of her life).  Did anything like meditation help?  Any helpful books?  I feel like I’m trapped in this world of emotional pain and because of it I’m still taking away just as much time from my family as this person took when she was in my life... maybe even more.

I am seeing a therapist and she’s certainly given me some helpful suggestions but I’m at a point where it seems like there’s not much more she can say and that it’s just time. Do you think this is true or are some therapists more experienced in grief and might have more suggestions?

I’m wondering if forcing a confrontation with my friend or at least confronting her sister with whom I became friends because of her, might be helpful to me.  But the message that the people around me seem to say is that it’s best to just let her go and let time heal me.  But I do think the ghosting aspect has made it harder to have closure.

I’m so tired of being sad and want to move on with my life.  Any suggestions are appreciated.

[once removed]

But really it all boils down to me being crushed by the fact that she could completely cut me out of her life

i dont think you heal this wound by telling yourself that youre better off. if this were true, there would be no sadness, no sting of rejection, no missing her.

you work through it by working the stages of grief. by acknowledging your pain, not fighting against it. by working toward Radical Acceptance of what has happened, and letting go - facing the difficult prospect that the relationship is over, and not (presumably) coming back.

But because of this I feel so alone in my grief
...
I feel like I’m trapped in this world of emotional pain and because of it I’m still taking away just as much time from my family as this person took when she was in my life

i think there are two things happening here.

the first is that you need a support system. its understandable when our loved ones run out of patience, or things to say. mine did. being told to stifle your grief or that it makes others uncomfortable just makes you feel worse, and it doesnt help.

the second may run deeper. it may be that you are emotionally unavailable, and emotionally preoccupied with your relationship with this person, and the aftermath. i think that this would be worth exploring, particularly with your therapist (and, after doing so, with your husband). there was a strong sense of fulfillment from your relationship, and the loss of that is haunting you.

part of healing ourselves from rejection is about surrounding ourselves with our loved ones and feeling their love, and investing our own. something may be blocking that.

I am seeing a therapist and she’s certainly given me some helpful suggestions but I’m at a point where it seems like there’s not much more she can say and that it’s just time. Do you think this is true or are some therapists more experienced in grief and might have more suggestions?

can you tell us more about how it is going with your therapist...what you are saying/asking in therapy, and what she is saying? there may be someone better equipped to help you; its hard to say.

[oftentimes]

Have you read about trauma bonding? The Betrayal Bond is a book I found really helpful in understanding why I felt so "hooked" despite being treated so poorly.

As for a therapist, if you do identify with having a trauma bond, I'd look into resources in the domestic violence (DV) field. Despite this not being an intimate relationship, it was a traumatizing one that has clearly affected you for a long time. A therapist who specializes in trauma/abuse/relationships would probably be really helpful - I work for a related field and if you are in the US,  the DV field is likely your largest pool of resources and the national DV hotline can help connect you to someone. If you're not in the U.S. see what kind of local service providers are in your community and reach out to the one which seems to most closely serve people with your lived experience. Sending you healing and hope.

[Sirnut]

In trying to move forward, I’ve found it helpful to try and understand the other person’s behavior in terms of what’s driving it and the nature of the disorder. I had some good advice about this from a counsellor and I’ve also found many helpful points on these pages.

As I understand it, the person with BPD traits is someone who over-emotes, who easily reaches a state of emotional overload, and who then resorts to dysfunctional coping mechanisms like avoidance, dissociation and ghosting. 

When this happens it can be incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end, but it does help in accepting it if we can understand that things aren’t entirely what they seem on the surface.

So here’s how I’ve come to see it, at least as it applies to my experience. She hasn’t turned into a different person and she’s not being deliberately cruel. It’s just that she doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with what happened. She hasn’t forgotten you, she hasn’t detached from you and she hasn’t set out to deceive you. What she has done is that she’s dissociated - put you into a kind of mental box labeled *can’t deal with this now*. But the box is still there.

A more emotionally typical friend wouldn’t behave this way. She would deal with any relationship stress by talking about it and finding a mutually acceptable way forward. We might wonder, how hard could that be for someone? But the pwBPD just doesn’t have the emotional maturity to do this, or to face up to it. So she avoids and dissociates. She ghosts you, and it’s incredibly hurtful. And the longer she digs in, the harder it is to repair things.

I’m generalising here but, in a nutshell, this is pretty much what happened to me, and it sounds a lot like your case too.

For me the key to moving forward is to find a way of appropriately valuing this friendship, all of it, make it part of my life story, something I can build on. My counsellor has encouraged me to think about what I gained from the whole experience, and really it’s been a lot. I won’t go into it all here, but even after all the heartbreak I know I wasn’t wrong to love my friend, and I feel like a more complete person for having gone through this.

Paradoxically, I’m even able to take some comfort from my friend’s bizarre avoidance actions at the end. From everything I’ve read, I believe these people reserve their most dysfunctional behaviors for the people who mean the most to them. She just doesn’t have a healthy way of expressing it.

[oftentimes]

It's really great that you have put so much work into understanding what's driving her behavior. Finding that kind of understanding really helps me work through things, too.

I realize that you haven't gotten into everything in these posts, so this may be a moot point, but if you haven't considered how traumatizing this kind of experience is for a person, that can be really helpful, too. I think generally, we downplay the trauma a person can experience from a friendship like this and assume that the trauma only comes if you're in a romantic relationship.

I mentioned that a work in a field closely related to the domestic violence field. One of my best friends who also works in this field with me had an experience very similar to yours. Even though we are both experts on relationship abuse/ trauma /interpersonal violence etc., it's very hard to apply our expert knowledge to our own experiences when we're in the thick of things. It took my friend months (and many conversations) to realize how deeply she'd been wounded and how great the trauma of her friend's betrayal was. She had already armed herself with psychoeducation to understand the "why" of what happened, but she hadn't done any work on the "what impact has this had on me?" - crossing that bridge and doing trauma work in therapy to heal those wounds has made a huge difference. Of course, everyone is different, you may not wish to pursue that route or may not think it is something that will be helpful to you (or perhaps you've already been doing this work in addition to everything else. Whatever the case, I'm really glad that you are working on this in whatever way feels most appropriate to you. Hang in there <3

[VMJ7675]

Everyone – thank you so much for your thoughtful responses, kind words and fantastic suggestions. I’m sorry it’s taken me a little while to have the time to sit down and respond thoughtfully.

Once Removed—  I think your comments about being emotionally unavailable and something blocking my current connection with loved ones is definitely true. To try to sum it up, I’ve mentioned in previous posts that the way I originally Met my  friend was that she was hired as a part-time nanny for us. My husband worked extremely long hours for the last 16 years and we used to argue a good bit about that. When we hired my friend as a nanny it was my husbands answer to providing me some support in his absence, which it did,  but what ended up happening is that I clicked with my friend so well that Instead of having the typical nanny/employer relationship, we became super close friends and she filled a big void that was present with my husband being gone so much. She helped me with the kids, helped me prepare meals, keep up the house, and provided fantastic companionship that I was missing from my husband.  And then I started to see her severe depression come out and started helping her with that and it just became this very codependent relationship where we were both in this weird sort of way “nurturing” each other for different reasons.  So while I became closer and closer to my friend, my husband and I were growing a bit apart because he was so focused on his business while I was focused on things at home and we were just focused on different things.  We married young and I still have no doubt that we were meant for each other and will be fine with time, but it’s like we need to re-discover each other again.  He sold his company and is home a lot more now so we are trying to work that all out. He’s a compassionate and thoughtful person, but years ago we saw a couple of marriage counselors and the experiences were not good (he did not like the therapists) so he has no interest in doing any therapy together at this point which for me has added to the challenge of trying to sort of get to know each other again and work on some of these issues that came about when we spent so much time apart for so many years.  So in summary — yes, there is this sort of weird block between he and I that makes things a little more complicated as I try to heal from the loss of this friend which actually furthered the separation with my husband.

And oftentimes – I have not read about trauma bonding but it sounds like that might be very beneficial so I will definitely look into it.   But I guess I don’t understand exactly what you mean in terms of how I would delve into it… Should I just talk to my therapist about wanting to look at it more as a trauma and explore the impact it has had on me?    I mean  I have certainly been talking to her about it as a traumatic experience for me, but I don’t know if there is a different way we should approach it.   Basically with her (and once removed you asked about this as well ) Ive been meeting her  almost weekly since this happened and I gave her all the history and we’ve just been talking about understanding borderline and why my friend  likely left and the stages of grief and exercises for calming your mind and stopping the spinning thoughts etc.   I have also spoken to her about the distance I feel with my husband right now and she’s been giving me some tips on trying to work on that.  But  I guess I just don’t really know if there is something else I could be doing with her and/or if there are other therapists who might specialize more in the sort of thing.

Finally sirnut—  thank you for your words which also gave me a lot of peace when I read them. I do like to think that her feelings for me were sincere but that she just felt so overwhelmed she couldn’t handle it anymore. And you noting that these people seem to do this to the people they care about the most at least brings some peace in my heart that her feelings were genuine because my feelings for her certainly were.   And I do think some of the pain comes from thinking that if she could leave me this easily then maybe the feelings weren’t genuine after all.  I guess I just wish so badly that she would either come back in person or send a letter saying just that – that her feelings were genuine but she was so overwhelmed that she had to go away. And I will likely never hear those words so I have to just learn to believe them myself. But it is hard because I know she’s so close by for the time being ( until she heads overseas I guess)  that there is this horrible temptation that just won’t go away to force that final confrontation and have those final words and  tell her how hurtful it was for her to ghost me and it’s probably not the best thing to do for either of us – it would probably just make me feel more worked up but I can’t get that fantasy of having the conversation with her out of my head – especially with her living so very close by and constantly hearing little tidbits about her through people that bumped into her etc.

[oftentimes]

Great question about trauma work and yes, talking to your therapist about addressing the trauma youve experienced is a great start.

So the thing about trauma is that it actually changes your brain. You can do an MRI of the brain of someone who has experienced trauma and actually SEE it on the scan. So not only is there work to do to process what happened (which is sounds like is what you're doing), the actual trauma has to be addressed in order to not have it impact you moving forward. EMDR is a therapy that really really helps with processing trauma. I'd check it out. Basically, the way you see unprocessed trauma (and the way it feels) on a brain scan is like a bunch of places lit up where they shouldn't be. Picture the trauma as loose files that are flying around and come up (as triggers) for the person. It means that even if you are unaware, the trauma is impacting you. Trauma can impact you physically, emotionally, and psychologically and can manifest in ways that may feel completely unrelated to the event(s) itself. EMDR allows a person to process their trauma and organize the files by placing them into "compartments" along with everything else you've stored throughout your life. It means that when triggering events come up or when you are reminded of the trauma, it no longer impacts you negatively (or at all). If you are interested in EMDR, make sure it's with a person who knows what they are doing as it does require a lot of training and professional expertise.

If you aren't interested in EMDR, there are many other ways you can work on your trauma. It's not a one size fits all thing. Everyone is different and it's really great that you already have a therapist who can help you think through the trauma processing options that will be best for you.

Processing trauma is NOT easy. But I can tell you from experience that walking through that fire will be one of the most rewarding and important things you have ever done.

Feel free to pm if you have any specific questions or want to know more about all this. (Mods - am I allowed to say this? Sorry, new here, not sure...)

[VMJ7675]

Hi Oftentimes—  thank you for your response and sorry again it’s been a bit of time since I had a chance to sit down and reply. I am actually familiar with EMDR – did a bit of it 10 years ago or so to deal with a completely different trauma.   Did not find it overwhelmingly helpful in that particular situation although it certainly didn’t hurt anything either – just helped me to dig a little bit deeper on something that was going on in my life at that point.

That said – I’m not sure about my thoughts on it for this particular situation because I feel like it’s more often used when people have trouble remembering events of a trauma and/or being able to talk about it and I am able to remember everything and be quite open about what happened. Do you disagree? Do you think EMDR could have other benefits?

I do think it is important to treat it as a trauma though – it has definitely been a trauma in my life. And the book you suggested on the betrayal bond is really interesting and helpful.   Are there any other books or materials you would recommend?

Thanks!

[oftentimes]

Hi again - no need to apologize for delays in responses here, this is your thread and should be on your timeline

So as for whether or not EMDR would be helpful in other ways, it's hard to say bc trauma processing / management is a highly individualized thing. What works for one person may not work for someone else.

That said, it's a relatively new therapy in the grand scheme of things (about 25 years) - so I would imagine the mental health fields practice and undertanding of it has evolved quite a bit since you participated.

In my work/experience, I've actually not seen EMDR used or recommended for the purpose of recovering or piecing together fragmented traumatic memories although that is certainly something that happens when people do EMDR work. In my understanding, however,  the fundamental purpose is to process traumatic memories in a mental state that mimics REM sleep. When our brains do this, research shows that the negative / traumatic feelings associated with those memories can be greatly if not entirely diminished.

Sometimes people just have one traumatic event they need to work through and find relief in a few sessions. Others, especially when the trauma happened over months/years/decades and/or involves complicated interpersonal relationships it can take more time. The reasons for this are rooted in how trauma is stored and coded in our brains and how we access it and understand it's affect on us in real time.

For example, if I have two years of unprocessed trauma related to a past relationship, there are many memories of events that i identify as traumatic can process under EMDR so that they no longer hold a "negative emotional charge" when I recall them. It takes the pain away but not the memory. But there may also be other memories of this relationship that I may not even associate as traumatic bc I have normalized or minimized it in order to cope, but are actually affecting me in ways I don't realize. For me trauma isn't just fear/anger/sadness/hypervigiliance, for me trauma affects my ability to sleep and eat, it makes me forget stuff and I  lose everything, it causes me to either lose my train of thought or hyper-focus on certain details of something, the list goes on, but the point is that trauma and our responses to are complicated as are our memories of it! A trained therapist can help work with a client to process these traumatic memories as well.

 Not sure if the above helps, happy to elaborate if it's still unclear. There are also a lot of great resources that explain EMDR - but I can't remember if we are allowed to post stuff here (that's my own trauma brain at work  )

[oftentimes]

Hi again - didn't get a chance to double check the community guidelines for posting links to external content / resources before my 30 min time limit to edit ran out.

There's a lot out there about EMDR, but these two are ones I often share with people who are thinking about doing it, want to learn more, and prefer more academic/technical oriented resources. If that's not for you, there's a lot more out there that you'll find w a quick google search:

This is a domestic violence case study that outlines one woman's experience doing EMDR to process the trauma of her abusive relationship
https://connect.springerpub.com/content/sgremdr/3/3/192.full.pdf

This lays out the purpose / process etc:
https://www.emdrhap.org/content/what-is-emdr/ 

The above website is clearly one which endorses EMDR as a therapy - the content is balanced, but if you are looking for critiques of the therapy, that kind of stuff is out there too. One thing I've noticed, however, is that the few survivors  I know who actually felt EMDR made them worse (rather than just found it unhelpful) were actually working with inexperienced, untrained practitioners. Overall, the feedback I've gotten from trauma survivors is that it's been hugely helpful. It's been really helpful to me, too. All of  this is certainly not to say that's true in all cases - it's just my own personal observations when working with survivors of complex trauma.

As for books / info about trauma in general. There is a ton of stuff out there. Do you have any thoughts on the kind of info or type of resource you think might be most helpful to you? (ie are you interested in academic literature? books/resources directed toward the survivor (like the betrayal bond)? Videos? I dont want to give you stuff that won't be useful to you and there is SO much out there. If you aren't sure, that's okay too, just figured I'd ask first to see if there was anything specific.

[once removed]

she filled a big void that was present
...
it just became this very codependent relationship where we were both in this weird sort of way “nurturing” each other for different reasons

it makes a lot of sense that the loss of this would result in complicated grief, as well as feel like a major rejection of you as a person. the loss of things that fill a void can lead to depression, feelings of emptiness, and if they come from a person, can seriously hurt our confidence and self esteem.

in simple terms, healing that is about rebuilding our confidence and self esteem, and emotionally investing in new things. things like learning new skills, taking a class, finding a group with mutual interests, those types of things can go a very long way.

i would very much encourage you to explore those next steps with your therapist. i would also encourage you to post about your relationship with your husband and your ongoing attempts to reconnect, on the Bettering board. your husband need not have BPD for you to get support and feedback on that, here.

[VMJ7675]

 Hi often times – I took a few days away from the site while I went out of town for the holiday weekend and tried to clear my mind a little bit. But thank you for all this data you sent. I do think I will look into the possibility of EMDR again. I don’t think my current therapist is very experienced in it so do you have any suggestions on how to locate somebody who is? The other hesitation is just simply adding another appointment in to an already very busy time in my life, but it does sound like it could potential he be helpful and might be worth it.   in terms of resources – yes – I think books like the betrayal bond that might help me understand more about what happened and provide any techniques to stop my brain from constantly spinning over this person and be more present in my every day life .

 And once removed – thank you also for your compassionate words and suggestions about the bettering board – would it really be OK for me to post on that board about my relationship with my husband either  though neither one of us has BPD?

I just can’t seem to get these obsessive feelings out of my head – alternating between sadness that she could leave me like this and anger at feeling deeply betrayed.  And I’m having these constant fantasies about conversations I would like to have with her and her coming back etc. etc.   It is very hard to go no contact because she didn’t give me any real closure which means I still feel there is this little hope of someday speaking to her again.   And as I’ve mentioned in my posts she lives roughly half a mile away from me and I have actually had experiences where I’ve seen her lately or heard things about her through other people.   I will say I think I have made some progress in that I  would have taken her right back if she had appeared shortly after she cut off contact with me, but at this point I would be extremely cautious because I just don’t think I could trust her...  I feel there were so many lies and that she likely repeat the same pattern and hurt me again.   But I guess my heart just can’t give up on getting an apology and perhaps someday being casual acquaintances, because she did mean so much to me for so long and as angry as I am I wish I could  someday be able to see her in a more healthy place but in my heart I’m doubting she will ever stick with therapy long enough to do any significant healing.

 Last night an acquaintance of mine was in a fairly bad car accident and I stuck around with her for a long time because she didn’t have any other support person who could come and be with her.   We were standing on the side of the road near the severely damaged car with a police car parked behind us with the lights on for a couple of hours and about halfway through the time I saw my ex BPD friend drive right by us.   I am 99% sure it was her and 99% sure that she saw it was me.  And stuff like that is just still a dagger in the heart – she had no way of knowing if I was actually involved in the accident and it’s just so hurtful to me that this person I was so close to for such a long time could drive by and see me at an accident scene and not express any concern.   I feel like this should make me realize she is not the kind of person I would want to be friends with but at the moment it still just hurts.

[once removed]

would it really be OK for me to post on that board about my relationship with my husband either  though neither one of us has BPD?

yes, and encouraged. the tools on there work with anyone, and they can help you emotionally connect. i dont have anyone with BPD traits in my life right now, and i use them all the time.

And I’m having these constant fantasies about conversations I would like to have with her and her coming back etc. etc.

its good to have an outlet for these. i had lots of fantasy/hypothetical conversations and scenarios myself. they can be about different things...reversing the sense of rejection...building ourselves up...changing the outcome. but its good to harness them, or else theyre just there, just thoughts, with no energy behind them. have you tried writing them out?