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Author Topic: Father's dying, mother's pissed.  (Read 353 times)
LonelyButTrying

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« on: May 19, 2019, 10:17:58 PM »

Unfortunately, the six-month prognosis for the progression of my father's stage IV colon cancer seems to be accurate. It's been determined by his hospice nurse, based on what he went through (weakness in his legs, for one) and the pain he had last week, that he's dying, and it may well be a matter of weeks.

That doesn't stop my uBPD mother.

Some of it is understandable. My father is leaving us in a potentially precarious financial situation. His pensions that he boasted would be sizable enough are not that sizable, and he'll leave behind unsettling credit card debt, though, from talking to a few people experienced in this, that can be eliminated upon his death being that my mother co-signed none of those credit cards. Plus, the debt is far bigger than what his estate could pay. It's not even big enough to be called an estate, though that's the term regardless.

But today was terrible. I understand that my mother will react more extremely to what's going on, that for all intents and purposes, all that's left of this family is my sister and I, which is ok by me. However, to me, it's not ok to argue at a dying man so loaded with pain medication, who could barely hold his head up trying to pay bills online, something that she forced him to do today (which I took over, paying at least the monthly car lease). Yeah, he could have gotten it done this morning before all the pain medication, as she asked him to, but he was in pain even then. It was a hard morning for him.

Their marriage was an emotional war zone. I lived in the trenches for 32 years. So yeah, I know where it's coming from. But it's inhuman to go after a dying man who can barely keep his head up, who has had to deal with so much loss the past few months, namely that of having to go on medical leave from the one teaching job he loved out of all of them (and having to formally retire next month), not being able to drive like he once did, and the loss of our beloved, elderly dogs. Now his body is failing him. What more does she want visited upon the man? Railing at him for all the wrong he did her in their marriage is not going to help. Going on about how she stayed with him because she wanted a family so badly, and maybe she would have done better divorcing him and finding it elsewhere definitely does not help. This is all I heard today.

Walking on eggshells? We have to do that to this day. The other day, she said to my sister and I how we have to be a rock for each other, that she does not want us to go through what she went through when relatives of hers were dying years ago, that animosity, that yelling, that pain, stories still unknown to me. I held back from saying to her, "You're 32 years too late." I'm farther along from a month ago. And this is the same woman who said she did not want to be a rock, as someone else has always been her rock, such as my father (she claims), and her great-grandfather, who adopted her when she was three days old. She says she doesn't want to be who she isn't, which shows me that at least it was a warning: She's going to fall apart completely, and I need to be ready for that, to protect myself and my sister.

There's so much still to do. While I'm still looking for work so we don't have to rely solely on my father's pensions (I've actually been trying since we moved here a year and a half ago, but since it's a smaller town than most, it takes a lot more to figure out the way in, which I've only just started learning recently after flailing about for a while), I also have to contact my father's IRA advisor to be sure of the process of pulling out the free-and-clear supplemental side of his California pension (as opposed to the monthly regular side of his pension) and putting it into his IRA, which currently contains his Southern Bell/BellSouth/AT&T pension and his Florida public employee pension.

None of her rantings at a dying man help. Lovely that this is the way I'll remember what could possibly be the last weeks of his life. But I am grateful that I have my father's drive, his resolve, and his steel backbone, because they are the only things carrying me through this. Even though I know what my mother is, it still affects me, even as I seek to deflect most of it so I can do what I need to do, even as I hear from her right this very second that this has been the day from hell, even though I know that a great deal of that was of her own making.

It's exhausting heading into even more serious caregiving. I get that. There's so much more to do than when he was starting hospice last January. But this household, this atmosphere, outside of my sister, I think about the families that actually rally around a dying patriarch, that seek to prop its members up during such a trying time. I wish I had them.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2019, 10:26:41 PM by LonelyButTrying » Logged
Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2019, 06:35:48 AM »

I am so sorry that this is happening. I don't have advice but to say you are not the only one who is seeing this. My mother was abusive to my father when he too was dying of a long term illness. I even called adult social services to see if there was anything I could do. They said as long as he was mentally competent ( and he was legally) and would not admit to it ( he wouldn't) there was nothing I could do.


To others, she appeared to be the loving caregiver. They had no clue what went on when they weren't there to see it.

You are a blessing to your father, whether or not your mother or anyone else acknowledges it.  Please also try to find some space to take care of you. This is hard.
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Libra
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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2019, 09:19:07 AM »

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

Taking care of a dying parent is very hard. Doing so in a dysfunctional environment takes even more out of you.

I wish you strength, and hope you can find some time and space to take care of yourself as well.

 

Libra.
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Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. ~ Confucius.
zachira
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« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2019, 01:17:33 PM »

My heart hurts when I read your post about dealing with your father dying and your mother with BPD abusing him in his last days on Earth. You are not alone in this. My mother with BPD abused my brother, her favorite son, whose doctors said his cancer could take him at any time, and the social services got involved. It was a huge wake up call for me as I was so traumatized by the shock of mom abusing her dying son; it made me go to therapy for several years and deal with how my interactions with my immediate family members affected my life. I hope that you will be able to set some healthy boundaries with your mother, particularly finding ways to be less overwhelmed emotionally and affected by what she does. This can take time and is not easy, yet in my experience it is the only way to go on with life without the behaviors of a mother with BPD taking center stage in our lives. What are you doing now for self care? I hope you can continue to be there for your father and give yourself credit for caring and doing what is best for him. In the last months of my brother's life, I visited when I could, and sat in the room with him letting him know I cared while mom sat there too. I really felt that my caring behaviors helped my brother deal to some degree with mom's insane abuse. I think it also helped my brother that the hospice nurse went to bat for him, and helped stopped the abuse that she could. I feel for you as you have some hard times ahead and I admire your strength and compassion for your father, even though he has left the family in such dire financial straits. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.
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LonelyButTrying

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« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2019, 01:34:43 PM »

What are you doing now for self care? I hope you can continue to be there for your father and give yourself credit for caring and doing what is best for him.

Self care. Trying. I shower at least once a week, as it's all there's time for lately. The latest desperation is my job search, which I've been doing diligently for a year and a half in this small town, but it's our survival now. I re-designed and re-wrote my resume two weeks ago, and I'm much happier with it, so that's boosted my confidence.

I try to read when I can, and have been watching The Big Bang Theory as a welcome distraction. Oh, and I'm a hardcore Jeopardy! fan, so I always look forward to that every day, too.

Of course, because of the stress, I'm losing weight. Down 5 pounds. I'm eating, eating better, but there's just those moments. Some diet, but I have been wanting to drop 30 pounds, so here's a path.

I've got to keep going. The loneliness is immense, and outside of hospice, it's just us. We moved so many times throughout my life (and even before my life) that we have no roots anywhere, no one that we really know, to the extent that I'm beginning to shed my isolation and reach out. This board was the first, but I want to get to know people. I want to know what it's like not to have to walk on eggshells around someone.

I've just got to keep going.
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madeline7
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« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2019, 08:54:33 AM »

I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand completely. My uBPDm raged at my Dad's bedside in the hospital 1 week before his passing. Almost 4 years later, I am still trying to process this. Since his passing, one sister shut me out, the other is emotionally checked out, and my uBPDm has not changed. As she ages, she becomes more waif like, but the borderline baseline is still present. Presently, we are still caretaking my Mom, and moving her this week from indep. living to assisted living. It will be a nightmare and my Mom will expect all of us to gather round and help the elderly matriarch. But we are all so shell shocked, will just go through the motions. I do have some compassion for her, as I am a caring person. But I am still angry and sad about how she has fractured the family. Your post resonated with me, because in my moments of weakness, I remember how she acted at my Dad's deathbed, and realize she needs assisted living so someone else can be her caregiver. I am sending you hugs at this difficult time.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2019, 10:31:08 AM »

I can relate to all of you. Seeing my mother abuse my father at this time was horrifying.

I did something that I had no idea would turn out like it did. I was so upset at what she was doing that I turned on her. I tried to rescue him and ended up on that drama triangle. There were times I was screaming at her. This put her into victim mode and she paid it back by painting me black to my father and her family. My father stepped in to rescue her and got angry at me.

When he died, I was written out of the will. BPD mother would not allow me to have anything of his. I didn't want anything of value but I did want some items that were sentimental to me. She ordered her FOO and friends to not speak to me and they went along with it. So I don't know if it was my father's idea to disown me or hers, but he did what she wanted anyway.

Boundaries with a pwBPD are important but IMHO, be careful about rocking the boat with your mother at this time. Your relationship with your father depends on this. I didn't know  better at the time. He chose her and the patterns have been set  between them. Be there for him as much as you can. However, please take care of you, continue your job search, personal hygiene, rest, nutrition, and some time for you. Start with these personal "boundaries": no junk food, eat good for you food, take a shower, etc. Take care of you.
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zachira
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« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2019, 12:41:42 PM »

You say the loneliness is immense. It is a time when the support of those closest to you is the most important. Posting here can help and it is not the same as having your family support you. There is no such thing as posting too much. Now that times are so hard, posting often can help. We are here and feel your pain and sorrow.
You are doing what you can to take care of yourself which is important. I hope you don't mind if I suggest another self care step. Sitting quietly for 30 to 60 minutes a day observing your feelings can help to process any feelings before they become too overwhelming and help from being so traumatized later by what is going on. There is a lot of information on the internet on mindfulness and meditation. I find that the practice of sitting/walking mindfully every day helps me to deal with past trauma, and is gradually allowing me to not be so overwhelmed by the next round of bad behaviors by my family members with BPD and NPD.
I keep trying to comfort you and don't really know how. I feel for you, as when my brother was dying and mom abusing him was the worst time of my life.
Take care and do stay in touch!
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