First Post - Ugly break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

When I met J seven years ago, we fell in love fast, deep, and hard. I had never wanted to get married, but she made me feel that it was because I had never met a person like her before. Things were perfect, but they were moving so quick - we liked to go out partying and drinking, we took trips together, sex was fantastic -  that I didn't see the warning signs. But things started to devolve when we moved in together. At first it was small things - she seemed to get unreasonably angry, or interpret my intentions as malicious - but grew worse as the years passed. We were fighting more and more - and often the fights seemed to begin because she would refuse to acknowledge that the previous fight had occurred. She told me that she was afraid I wasn't committed to her, and so I proposed we get married - looking back this was not a wise choice, but it was something that I had wanted since I met her, and I thought if I proved my commitment I could calm her fears. But things continued to fall apart. There were a series of traumatic events - death of a family member, painful visit from another - and soon our relationship had devolved into emotional and psychological abuse. There was gaslighting, blame shifting, projective identification, and a host of other manipulative techniques. Often this focused around identifying me as "depressed," and claiming the problems in the relationship were due to my depression. Meanwhile, she lost a series of jobs, was drinking more and would stay in bed for days sick with a hangover, alienated several close friends - looking back I also suspect she was cheating, though I don't have proof, many signs were there. I was scared for her well-being and for my own, and convinced her to see therapy. Though there was some improvement, and she did back down from some of the extremity of her anger, it was ultimately not enough to save the relationship. There were many triggers that led to the end but it was ultimately her inability to accept responsibility for her actions that made me walk away. I tried to preserve the friendship, but two months after the break-up, she began dating a co-worker and former friend of mine - even then, I did try to work things out, but ultimately I had no interest in competing for her attention in a love triangle. I stopped contacting her and we have not spoken in any significant way in over six months.

In many ways, my life is better. I have started dating again, and met someone who I have really connected with. I finished my graduate studies and have some exciting job offers. But in many ways, I'm still tormented by the end of this relationship - I think about it everyday. I do know that there were happy times too, but I can't really remember them - mostly I just feel manipulated and used. I am working to rebuild my self-esteem (shredded) and ability to trust (stomped into dust) but it is slow and difficult and often I am frustrated it doesn't go faster. More than this, I am troubled by the strange feelings that I used to call love. I feel like I must have been pretty dumb to ignore the warning signs, and wonder how I could have continued to love someone who paid me back in cruelty, how I let my boundaries be violated and my standards be compromised. Having lived through this emotional abuse scares me - and although my new relationship is happy, and feels responsible and mature, I live in fear that it will somehow devolve back into this codependency.

This is my first post here, and I am not sure what to expect. I guess I am hoping to meet people for support and to talk through some of these issues - my friends have been OK, but not enough, and while my new partner A has been fantastic, I also worry that I am putting a burden on the relationship by talking about it too much. And so any and all readers, I'd appreciate any insight you may have.

[BadInfinity]

When I met J seven years ago, we fell in love fast, deep, and hard. I had never wanted to get married, but she made me feel that it was because I had never met a person like her before. Things were perfect, but they were moving so quick - we liked to go out partying and drinking, we took trips together, sex was fantastic -  that I didn't see the warning signs. But things started to devolve when we moved in together. At first it was small things - she seemed to get unreasonably angry, or interpret my intentions as malicious - but grew worse as the years passed. We were fighting more and more - and often the fights seemed to begin because she would refuse to acknowledge that the previous fight had occurred. She told me that she was afraid I wasn't committed to her, and so I proposed we get married - looking back this was not a wise choice, but it was something that I had wanted since I met her, and I thought if I proved my commitment I could calm her fears. But things continued to fall apart. There were a series of traumatic events - death of a family member, painful visit from another - and soon our relationship had devolved into emotional and psychological abuse. There was gaslighting, blame shifting, projective identification, and a host of other manipulative techniques. Often this focused around identifying me as "depressed," and claiming the problems in the relationship were due to my depression. Meanwhile, she lost a series of jobs, was drinking more and would stay in bed for days sick with a hangover, alienated several close friends - looking back I also suspect she was cheating, though I don't have proof, many signs were there. I was scared for her well-being and for my own, and convinced her to see therapy. Though there was some improvement, and she did back down from some of the extremity of her anger, it was ultimately not enough to save the relationship. There were many triggers that led to the end but it was ultimately her inability to accept responsibility for her actions that made me walk away. I tried to preserve the friendship, but two months after the break-up, she began dating a co-worker and former friend of mine - even then, I did try to work things out, but ultimately I had no interest in competing for her attention in a love triangle. I stopped contacting her and we have not spoken in any significant way in over six months.

In many ways, my life is better. I have started dating again, and met someone who I have really connected with. I finished my graduate studies and have some exciting job offers. But in many ways, I'm still tormented by the end of this relationship - I think about it everyday. I do know that there were happy times too, but I can't really remember them - mostly I just feel manipulated and used. I am working to rebuild my self-esteem (shredded) and ability to trust (stomped into dust) but it is slow and difficult and often I am frustrated it doesn't go faster. More than this, I am troubled by the strange feelings that I used to call love. I feel like I must have been pretty dumb to ignore the warning signs, and wonder how I could have continued to love someone who paid me back in cruelty, how I let my boundaries be violated and my standards be compromised. Having lived through this emotional abuse scares me - and although my new relationship is happy, and feels responsible and mature, I live in fear that it will somehow devolve back into this codependency.

This is my first post here, and I am not sure what to expect. I guess I am hoping to meet people for support and to talk through some of these issues - my friends have been OK, but not enough, and while my new partner A has been fantastic, I also worry that I am putting a burden on the relationship by talking about it too much. And so any and all readers, I'd appreciate any insight you may have.

[Turkish]

I thought if I proved my commitment I could calm her fears. But things continued to fall apart. There were a series of traumatic events - death of a family member, painful visit from another - and soon our relationship had devolved into emotional and psychological abuse. There was gaslighting, blame shifting, projective identification, and a host of other manipulative techniques. Often this focused around identifying me as "depressed," and claiming the problems in the relationship were due to my depression.

This sounds a little similar to what I experienced. And shortly after she married the guy she left me for moved in, he got it worse.  I was a "bad communicator." I was sent the therapy,  so was her current stbxH. Intimacy triggers fear-based behaviors by a pwBPD (person with BPD). Blame-shifting is a survival mechanism,  easier than confronting their core shame,  which is "I'm unworthy of love" sometimes covered up by superficial narcissistic traits. 

We will be your ears. Your new partner sounds great,  but it might be better to talk it out more here. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Badinfinity, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar.  I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through.  Turkish nailed it:

Blame-shifting is a survival mechanism,  easier than confronting their core shame,  which is "I'm unworthy of love" sometimes covered up by superficial narcissistic traits. 

Those w/BPD are experts at transferring blame in order to get it off their plates and onto that of Nons.  You task is to let the blame roll off you.  I have a saying, "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  At the heart of BPD is a fear of abandonment, which leads to some paradoxical behavior, such as pushing you away because of a fear that you might leave.  Feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim