Daughter 20 and husband with DBT

[MomSA]

Hello

I am a mom to 4 kids, 3 are on the autistic spectrum. My younger daughter (20) has recently been diagnosed with BPD and spent Dec - March in rehab for drug abuse. She came out like a fighting tiger and has continued to make our home a war zone.

She is now however 4 weeks into DBT skills training as are my husband and I. My husband is also ASD and BPD (self diagnosed, but clearly evident).

I am glad I have found this place with other people who are also journeying with their loved ones and BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello MomSA
I am both happy to meet you and sad for what brings you here. You have come to the right place for help and support. I am glad you found us!  You clearly have a lot on your mom plate. It seems the biggest challenge is your daughter. How has her DBT training been going? Is it helping? Here is a hug for you.

[MomSA]

Hi Faith

Thank you for the welcome.

She is committed to the training and always comes home regulated which holds for a few days...if we don't trigger her. I do hope that as they progress her mood swings will be more stable and her choices more healthy.

We had a tough weekend as she looked up an old boyfriend she used to smoke weed with and they spent the weekend together which was concerning. But as agreed, we did a drug test on her return home and it was negative, so she did keep her word.

[FaithHopeLove]

I think that you have a lot to feel hopeful about. Your daughter is committed and responding to therapy. Even though she made a bad relationship choice she kept her agreement with you to not smoke weed. One step at a time. How are you feeling? Are you taking good care of yourself ?
 

[livednlearned]

MomSA, welcome and hello 

ASD and BPD is a tough combination, especially because perspective-taking is so challenging. I'm glad you found the site and are reaching out for support. This place is amazing.

If you don't mind sharing, what events led to your daughter's diagnosis?

It is impressive that both your D20 and H are doing DBT. What about the sessions do you think help your daughter to regulate?

Are the other kids living at home with you?

[MomSA]

How are you feeling? Are you taking good care of yourself ?
 

So sweet of you to ask

Well, we've walked a long road (like most have) and with the years of ASD playing out in my marriage and parenting, work stress and now the last year running up to the BPD diagnoses I haven't really thought about myself.

My husband and I kept up with our date nights and our weekly hikes with the dogs, but as things intensified we found we were arguing more about our daughter...so we pulled back.

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis flair ups from stress, so started eating Keto about a year ago and this keeps them under control for the most part. I am also in full blown adrenal fatigue, so menopause came early and hard. TMI probably

Having a friend who has also "walked a path" on call is also very helpful.

Now that we are all clear about what is actually going on, I am starting to think more clearly about my "self-care"(sounds so indulgent) and my home environment.

Oh...did I mention I homeschooled all 4 of my children, my last is busy with his final exams...so soon I will have a big season over and more time to heal up.

[MomSA]

If you don't mind sharing, what events led to your daughter's diagnosis?

It is impressive that both your D20 and H are doing DBT. What about the sessions do you think help your daughter to regulate?

Are the other kids living at home with you?

My daughter has always been "wilful" from infant days. Around 11 I noticed a shift in her anger levels. I trained harder/spoke more/disciplined more. By 16 she was lying, stealing, running around with guys, cutting, major mood swings...but at the same time creating amazing art and music.

By 17 we lost all control when her first real boyfriend came on the scene. He was a decent guy and hung around for 18 months but their relationship was fiery.

She started college at the beginning of 2018. Within weeks she had hooked into the drug crowd and by mid year we had lost all control of her. Any attempt to reign her in was met with the most horrific anger. Considering we had other children still at home, we eventually gave up policing her.

We didn't know she was using, suspected it until our elder daughter told us what she knew when our BPD daughter ran away for 5 days with a guy from college to a trans festival. At this time we started court proceedings to get her into a place of safety.

She was taken against her will to rehab on the 21st Dec last year. I am still recovering from this event. 5 weeks in we had to move her as some of the other girls burnt the girls dorm down. It was a fortunate turn of events as she went to a very lovely gently girls only back to basics farm and really was able to be still and process there.

For those 9 weeks we slowly started building a semblance of a relationship and even my husband and her were on kind speaking terms.

She came home at the end of March and within a week she was showing the mood swings again...she started with her anger and hate speech. She was in recovery counselling for 4 weeks when she said she couldn't carry on with "two people"inside her.

I researched and prayed and it led me to consider BPD.

She has two private sessions with a DBT trained therapist a week and 1 group session bi-weekly. She likes knowing that her therapist is "on her side" and "fighting"us for her right to freedom. She also does his homework and listens to his counsel. Ultimately it is up to her to continue and we will pay for it as long as she does.

My elder daughter is married and lives away from home, my two sons 22 and 17 are still at home along with our BPD daughter.

[FaithHopeLove]

Now that we are all clear about what is actually going on, I am starting to think more clearly about my "self-care"(sounds so indulgent) and my home environment.

.

Oh no. It is not indulgent at all! Self care is priority one for parents of people with BPD. If you are not in a good place yourself, you cannot help anyone else. So PLEASE don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself however you need to, whether it is date nights with the hubby, a long bath, exercise, therapy, posting here, whatever floats your boat.  My self care plan includes therapy, church, support groups, and being very intentional about "doing me" which means I refuse to let my son's BPD stop me from enjoying the things that give my own life meaning and purpose. I cannot recommend it highly enough. I admire your homeschooling and I am also glad you will soon get a break. One of my friends also homeschooled her kids so I have seen how much work it is. I also hope you rekindle your romance with your husband. Couple strength can go a long way toward helping to make things better in the family. What do you think would help you most right now?

[livednlearned]

I agree wholeheartedly with FHLKC about self-care. It's actually the key to everything else you will read on this site.

Self care is like a cup I have to fill every day. Some days I wake up and the cup is full (getting better at this) and then I spend the day working to keep it as full as possible while things happen during the day to naturally empty it, part of life. It's hard when you have kids and work and whatnot. The harder it is, the smaller the self-care might need to be. I guard small things carefully, the point being that I'm changing priorities slowly and one step at a time. My T said one time, For you, if it feels selfish, that means it's healthy. We have to redefine the feeling of selfish to self-full.

When SD22 is in the house I make my full cup priority number one and everything flows from there. She either doesn't have a cup or doesn't know how to fill her cup so she tries to drain everyone else's in an attempt to feel good. I feel bad for her and also stay focused on keeping my cup full, a hard line to hold I find.

The only thing that works is focusing on my own cup, my own self-care, my own behaviors.
It can be things like mindfulness, yoga, pedicure, night out with friends. It can also be small things like coffee on the porch for 15 minutes. Sometimes it is saying no to someone.

It gets easier and easier and then it becomes second nature 

[MomSA]

When SD22 is in the house I make my full cup priority number one and everything flows from there. She either doesn't have a cup or doesn't know how to fill her cup so she tries to drain everyone else's in an attempt to feel good. I feel bad for her and also stay focused on keeping my cup full, a hard line to hold I find.
 

This is very insightful, thank you.

[MomSA]

I refuse to let my son's BPD stop me from enjoying the things that give my own life meaning and purpose.

I cannot recommend it highly enough. What do you think would help you most right now?

Yes, I believe I have got to the point where I can say "You can ruin your day, but I won't let you ruin mine".

I am not sure what can help most, but getting back into regular Bible study will be the first, and then also taking control of the worry and anxiety which has eaten at me for years...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I am not sure what can help most, but getting back into regular Bible study will be the first, and then also taking control of the worry and anxiety which has eaten at me for years...

I also find church to be a big help. My pastor and church mother pray for my family and I pray for theirs. This is a spiritual journey for me. It is really painful but I am growing and becoming a better person.

[PeaceMom]

She either doesn't have a cup or doesn't know how to fill her cup so she tries to drain everyone else's in an attempt to feel good. -
Can we think thru this a bit more. This exemplifies my uBPD 19 yr old adopted daughter’s very existence.  She seems to run around like Chicken Little-in a crazy way trying to plug the huge hole in her heart. I think about when she was little and her behavior and words were so violent, she would tell us she wanted to go back to her birth country and she would pack her bags. We (and most others) would effectively attempt to shame her in to compliance. They say “adoption is the only trauma that one is told they should feel grateful for”. It makes me sick at my stomach thinking back on how we reacted to her being toxic because all it did was throw gas on the fire. I’m going right to Dr. Kristen Neff now and her teachings on Self Compassion.

[livednlearned]

It makes me sick at my stomach thinking back on how we reacted to her being toxic because all it did was throw gas on the fire.

I have those thoughts too.

I'm learning to allow myself 5 minutes to dwell on things I cannot fix. My H does this thing where he will take my hands and turn them palms up. It's non verbal for be here now and it's strangely effective for me.

I do need an outlet for beating myself up, I have found  I am trying to limit how long I permit and have enlisted someone who loves me to help protect me from my worst ruminations.

My son has an abusive uBPD father who is no longer in his life. A few days ago S17 said, "I wish you had protected me sooner."

Truths like this bring me to my knees.

Palms up, PeaceMom, and everyone else who feels this way 

[MomSA]

My husband and I have berated ourselves for not knowing sooner or having different reactions to her when she cut or starved herself back when we was 16 and 17.

Now we have the terrible weight on our hearts that her stay in rehab - which was intensely traumatic for her (think abandonment, being treated like and addict) could have been avoided  had we known that BPD was the actual issue.

Her therapist told me that we need to stop flagellating ourselves as we acted in the best way we could with the information we had at the time. This brings a little comfort, but does not stop her using it as ammo to hurt us.

[FaithHopeLove]

I agree with your therapist. You really need to stop beating yourself up for being human and not perfect. Is there a way to distance yourself from your daughter when she is mean mouthing you?

[MomSA]

I have come up with a statement for when she uses the rehab as ammunition, which seems to stop it:

"We are not talking about rehab now, lets stay with the topic" and if she doesn't and keeps escalating, I offer her:

"Ï understand it was a terrible time and I am sorry you had to go through it" and if she carry's on with her hate speech toward the director, and what they did or didn't do:

"Would you like to open a complaint with social services? I am willing to help you."

Then she stops.

[FaithHopeLove]

It sounds like you have a great plan for when DD wants to guilt trip you about rehab. How about for the times when you are tempted to flagelate yourself? Do you think you can stop feeling guilty?

[MomSA]

The more I read & learn, the more the guilt lifts

Thank you for caring.

[FaithHopeLove]

  Here's a hug. This too shall pass.