Not Reacting To a Split

[Granite Chief]

I seem to fail most in my relationship when I let my fear react. I will start to defend my self to someone that does not think logically. For instance the damned if you do and damned if you do not scenarios.

A new think I have been working on is when I catch myself I immediately stop. Then I go on about my day like nothing strange has happened. She generally comes back after a while of acting 12 and starts to talk with me. I feel like I am talking to a kid when this happens.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

I seem to fail most in my relationship when I let my fear react. I will start to defend my self to someone that does not think logically. For instance the damned if you do and damned if you do not scenarios.

A new think I have been working on is when I catch myself I immediately stop. Then I go on about my day like nothing strange has happened. She generally comes back after a while of acting 12 and starts to talk with me. I feel like I am talking to a kid when this happens.

… a tool I use… "AHA"

*Aware, understand its happening, a dysregulation, emotions high, about to go high and right…
*Halt, means just what it says, stop, halt, don't engage… so you can process, and not set her off,
*Adjust, now that you have stopped the possible irreversible dysregulation, as in your inevitable contribution to a full on fight… now think of the tools you can use to deescalate… to validate, SET (support, empathy, truth), etc'.

Acronym "A-H-A"!

Hope this may help a little, Red5

[Granite Chief]

Thank you! it sounds like I am on the right path. Just need to learn some more tools and practice.

I like those set of rules a lot.

[Chosen]

I seem to fail most in my relationship when I let my fear react. I will start to defend my self to someone that does not think logically. For instance the damned if you do and damned if you do not scenarios.

A new think I have been working on is when I catch myself I immediately stop. Then I go on about my day like nothing strange has happened. She generally comes back after a while of acting 12 and starts to talk with me. I feel like I am talking to a kid when this happens.

Exactly, it's hard because we all have a fight-or-flight defense mechanism.  In normal situations, we *should* react when we fear something.  But not with a pwBPD!  Usually, if I'm mindful enough and manage to stop, things don't get so bad.  He may be in a bad mood and nitpicking or generally being mean, but if I don't react to them then there's no ammo for him. 

BUT!  It's hard to be so mindful day after day, and of course it depends a lot on my own stress level/ amount of rest I've had/ etc.  But your post reminds me that I really should consider my uBPDh like a kid- maybe it'll help me react less if I remember that.