Letting go

[MomSA]

Our daughter has been home from rehab for 8 weeks. In the first 4 weeks she was under very strict terms of where she could go, whom she could see and what was permissible. She had some meltdowns in this time. This was when we started looking for answers and it led us to a diagnoses of BPD.

She has been in DBT therapy for 4 weeks now and her therapist keeps pushing us to let go of everything where we are trying to control her actions. She has reconnected with her old friends and boyfriend, is going to continue to go to the same places she did when she was using...and carry on doing all the things she used to do - clubs etc.

She knows that she will be spot drug tested and as such is terrified she will go back to rehab (think abandonment) so we are pretty certain she won't use again.

But my question is - what does letting go look like? I think for me a lot of it is the fear and worry in my head. The next would be not always trying to give her a better way to think/live...and yes, we do use the validating skills we have learnt.

But the weekend is looming and she'll be doing her thing...and after all we faced last year trying to find her and track her and call her and the arguments...we just cannot do it again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

It's good you are thinking of this before the weekend hits. I think in your case letting go means letting your daughter experience the natural consequences of her actions. If she runs away you let her go. You don't search for her or call her. Did her psychologist say anything more specific?

[MomSA]

No, he just said it seems counterintuitive to do it, but we have too.

So hard.

[FaithHopeLove]

There is a lot that is counterintuitive about interacting with people who have BPD. They are hard wired differently. It is almost like learning another language. Do you feel ready to let go? What do you think will happen if you do?

[PeaceMom]

We are in the same boat as you! We’ve been told to practice radical Acceptance of who she is and what she does and plan ahead for when she crosses a limit we can’t tolerate. This is very difficult bc in theory, I’m not ok with really anything about her life except her job. I felt compelled to remind her yesterday that if she got into legal trouble for substances, harassing an ExBF, speeding in car, we would be unable to help. My thought is she would need to get a Public Defender based on her low income and proceed thru legal maze. I also told her that if she contracted an incurable infectious sexually transmitted disease, she would have to move out bc we can’t risk the family health like that. All this while other friends were planning fun family beach vacations... Seems like I’m living in a bad dream.

[livednlearned]

Letting go sounds like loosening a balloon to the sky 

Whereas with a child you love, whose well-being feels tied into your own, letting go feels more like choosing to let them careen off the cliff while you stay grounded, feet on the ledge.

[MomSA]

Do you feel ready to let go? What do you think will happen if you do?

You are so good at asking thoughtful questions!

Yes, I'm ready...my husband (also BPD) isn't so there is conflict.

And what will happen? I am hoping that she will realise she will only have herself to blame if things go wrong as we have said clearly: "You want us to take our hands off, so we are. By choosing this you also choose the consequences."

I also hope that she will make wiser choices as she continue with her DBT sessions...

[FaithHopeLove]

It sounds like you already see the wisdom in letting go. When I get to a place like this where I know I have to let my son go but I am having difficulty with it, in addition to posting here, I go to an Alonon meeting. They talk about "detaching with love" from alcoholic loved ones. The same principle applies to pwBPD. What else might help you detach with love and not feel bad about it?

[MomSA]

if she contracted an incurable infectious sexually transmitted disease, she would have to move out bc we can’t risk the family health like that. All this while other friends were planning fun family beach vacations... Seems like I’m living in a bad dream.

I so get you!

The week running up to Christmas I was shopping for things for my daughters stay in rehab and everyone else was buying their kids gifts. It was a terrible terrible truth to accept.

I am also saying 100x a day "What is, is" and then making my thinking move on.

The reason I quoted this above is because just this week my "radical acceptance"moment was when I had a discussion with my daughter about birth control. I have taught my girls from young about God's way with sex, morality and how abstinence is right before marriage. I always believed they would take up this mantle.

However this dd didn't and after the talk about it, we booked a doctors appointment for her first gynaecologist visit and to find a non hormonal control. We also had a talk about STDS (again!). She was: "Who are you? Where is my mother?"and then as she walked away she said: "Good talk, Mom XX"

[FaithHopeLove]

You did a great job of accepting what is knowing it is not what you wanted. That sex talk took a lot of courage and seems to have been really helpful. Congratulations  One step at a time.

[MomSA]

They talk about "detaching with love" from alcoholic loved ones. The same principle applies to pwBPD. What else might help you detach with love and not feel bad about it?

Yes, we heard this term when we were attending parent support meetings while our dd was in rehab...it triggered my husband so much that he flew into a rage and left the meeting. We never returned.

Later on he realised that it was the detaching from the emotional, co-dependency not from the person.

Your question is something I need to ponder. Right now as a mom who homeschooled and poured her heart and soul into her children and [stupidly] expected a sure return, the decision to just let her make these choices is huge for me right now. I will think though. Thank you 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Life isn't fair. None of us deserve this. The good news is we can make things better. First step is out of the FOG.

[MomSA]

Life isn't fair. None of us deserve this. The good news is we can make things better. First step is out of the FOG.

Yes, when we got her diagnosis not only did her life come into focus for me, but so did so much of my marriage struggles.

Thank you for the encouragement.