I see the signs and I am not going to wait till he physically tries to kick me out again

[Frankee]

I have called the dv hotline, and the Women's shelter here.  They don't have any space open right now, but they will let me know.  I am praying so will get the job at the Hotel.  That will give me the financial leg up I need.  He is off next couple days and I work.  Friday he goes to work and I am going to try to get a secret grab bag ready and get into the safe to get the legal documents.

The Dv hotline said I need to do what I can to stay safe.  Now is the time to put all of my tools to hard work.  I see the signs and I am not going to wait till he physically tries to kick me out again.  He already mentioned me going back to my parents.  I can't keep trying to work on this. I am too emotional exhausted and It's showing.  He sees it and I need to prepare for real.

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee, that does sound very scary. I am glad you called the hotline. Good for you for getting prepared and getting a bag and important documents ready.

Also try to keep in a safe place the phone numbers of any friends you could call in case of emergency, just in case you have to leave suddenly without a phone on you.

You can do this.

[Mutt]

Hi Frankee,

Wow that is scary. I’m glad to hear you’re safe it sounds like you’re putting things in place for your safety. Your parents are going to help you in two weeks and you said that you’re not sure if you’re going to make it.

Any chance that you can move that date up? What’s the difference if you go now instead of two weeks?

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad that you've reached out to the DV folks. Are there any churches nearby that possibly could help? What about friends? Redeemed makes a great suggestion about having a spare set of phone numbers with you at all times.

It's good that you're thinking this through carefully and making plans. Agree with Mutt. Are your parents aware of the potential danger you're in?

[Frankee]

I haven't told my parents.  I really need them to carry about their vacation as planned.  They will be halfway across the US most of the summer and I need them to be able to focus on making sure my oldest has a good summer.  If anything starts to go south, I will let them know.  I told one of my girlfriends here about what my plans are.  She is financially strapped and doesn't have a place for me to stay temporarily.

Last night he was in a not good way.  He asked me what time I go to work, told him 9.  He asked what happened to 1:30 I said It's because I told them your days off.  He tried to tell me I need to quit my job, he didn't feel like watching that baby all day, since we are splitting up, I was going to have to figure out what I was going to do with the kids when I am working, told me that he was tired of me saying I give up, that he wasn't going to be my emotional punching bag or F**in play toy.  He had left for 5 hours yesterday after our fight.

I am going to have make some serious plans while I am work today.  I woke up early and going to try to get pictures important documents this morning.

[Skip]

Quick sanity check...

Are you leaving because you feel there is imminent danger of domestic violence?

Are you leaving because you are feed up with him he is becoming increasingly upset and with the personal rejection?

[Frankee]

Today I was scared of imminent  dv.   I called my sister and law who also left an abusive relationship.  She gave me great advice on what to do to calm the situation.  I took her advice and was able to get him calmed.

Now I am calmed my nerves and focused on what needs to be done.  After the incident a couple nights ago, a couple months ago, and the current emotional abuse, I can't do it anymore.  My head and heart are no longer in it, he is picking up on it, and it is causing a hostile living environment.  I feel he is doing whatever he can to keep me around and I feel like he is using the old tactics of intimidation and fear to get me to toe thebtine since it worked before.

[Frankee]

Only difference now is I see what he is doing.  I see how his labs at how I am.not acting like a woman and how other women would want him now that he is "fixed".  I believe If I look at older posts, he use yo say the exact same things.  Now I see it clearly for what it is.

[Skip]

Defusing the situation is really important. Good move.

Only difference now is I see what he is doing.  

Perspective is really important and you are gaining it. That's good. You are learning more about how you feel, if the relationship has a future, what you need to live apart, and what challenges you will face raising children together if separated.

You are also entering the planning stages. Thinking about what you could do and how you could do it, what resources you need, time, etc.

You are processing a lot of information and weighing a lot of options.

A really important question is can you go through this learning process without showing feelings of contempt. He is really reacting to you. Any husband with be responsive to this in one way or another.  Men do not handle rejection well. Men with narcissistic or borderline tendencies, even more so.  My dad is a pretty good guy... but not pretty when it comes to rejection.

Do you think that if you act more neutral, he will respond more neutrally?  Or is the situation past that point and in crisis stage?

[Frankee]

Defusing the situation is really important. Good move.

A really important question is can you go through this learning process without showing feelings of contempt. He is really reacting to you. Any husband with be responsive to this in one way or another.  Men do not handle rejection well. Men with narcissistic or borderline tendencies, even more so.  My dad is a pretty good guy... but not pretty when it comes to rejection.

Do you think that if you act more neutral, he will respond more neutrally?  Or is the situation past that point and in crisis stage?

I have a meeting at 8:30 on Friday with the resource and crisis center here and potential attorney to talk to them about my options.  I am going to tell him I have a counselor meeting and use uber to get there.  He doesn't use the app and doesn't understand how it works.  I have used it to go to work and daycare before.

I am becoming concerned because I am falling away from him and it's become more of a struggle to put on the facade that I do care.  I already know with his narcissistic tendencies, he isn't going to take this well.  He's also seems to have a distinct belief that I can't survive without him and I need a man to take care of me.  He also threw around how the boys won't be without a mother (replacement).

The way he behaved earlier today is a clear sign that he will do whatever he can to scare me into not leaving.  I have a gut feeling that things could become more of a crisis situation rapidly.  I am going to try my best to reply as he wants.  I need him to believe that things are okay.  I can't leave like I did last time.  I need to be more prepared and ready. 

I really understand his current behavior.  I have heard it before and I have felt the amount of anger before.  I am trying really hard to hold it together because I feel right now is a volatile situation and if I fuel it, it could end badly.  I just need a little more time.  The shelter doesn't have space, but maybe they can make space once they talk to me. 

[I Am Redeemed]

I have a meeting at 8:30 on Friday with the resource and crisis center here and potential attorney to talk to them about my options.  I am going to tell him I have a counselor meeting and use uber to get there.  He doesn't use the app and doesn't understand how it works.  I have used it to go to work and daycare before.

This is good, Frankee. I encourage you to be completely honest with them about your situation.

I am becoming concerned because I am falling away from him and it's become more of a struggle to put on the facade that I do care.

.  I am trying really hard to hold it together because I feel right now is a volatile situation and if I fuel it, it could end badly.  I just need a little more time.

This is a wise observation. You see that you are no longer capable or willing to give the relationship your best, understandably; however, he senses that you're pulling away and that could likely escalate to a dangerous level.

My h told me that I wouldn't be able to make it on my own if I left. He said no one would help me, that I would lose my son like I lost the other kids, that I would be back on drugs and prostituting myself. I believe he said those things because he was actually afraid that I could make it without him, which gave him no cards to play in the relationship other than threats and intimidation.

Do you have an emergency plan for what to do if there is another dv incident before the meeting?

[Frankee]

I haven't gotten a chance to get a bag together yet.  I am hoping that today goes okay so I get things together tomorrow morning.  I have taken pictures of the birth certificates, but haven't found the social cards yet.  I know where the hard copy is and will grab them if I have the chance.  I just don't want to do it now in case he suspects.

I have been very observant of his behavior.  Yesterday the meltdown on my way to work.  Getting "exploding" angry there wasn't food he wanted.  Getting "very upset" I didn't shower yesterday.  I told him I wasn't feeling well and didn't have time.  Knew I wasn't feeling well, still got angry because it was limiting the amount he can f*** me.  It kind of made me cringe honestly.

When I meet with these people tomorrow, what highlights do I need to bring up?  I could go on and on about everything that has happened, but I need to get an agenda together of what I need to tell them.  I know they will believe me, but I don't want to drown out what they really need to know to help me.

[Skip]

Have you thought of moving in with your parents and filing for divorce? Getting a court ordered custody schedule? Is that an option?

[Frankee]

Have you thought of moving in with your parents and filing for divorce? Getting a court ordered custody schedule? Is that an option?

Unfortunately if I move in with my parents, it means leaving everything and leaving the state.  Since I have been back, I have rebuilt a life here.  I love living on the coast and I want to do everything in my power to stay here.  I love my life here.. except him.  I am going to talk to them about divorce proceedings and what to do about custody.

I have accepted the fact I may end up in the women's shelter again.  My biggest dilemma is trying to figure out to wait it out until my oldest son leaves or not, but that is 12 days away.  Yesterday and today, I have been struggling very hard to be how he wants me to be. 

What is roaring in my mind is he wants me to be this way.  He wants me to listen to him roar with his narcissistic perspective and grandeur and accept he is a "masculine angry" man.  The way I am with him right now is not who I am.  I am not going to just listen to him hollering about how I am grossing him out, how I not acting like a woman, how I am being a feminist because I have dreams and reaching for goals, how I am not the wife he wants, how me changing is threatening him.  It's not me.  The person who I am today cannot stay with him.

[Skip]

My biggest dilemma is trying to figure out to wait it out until my oldest son leaves or not, but that is 12 days away.  Yesterday and today, I have been struggling very hard to be how he wants me to be.

It's important to plan your exit... don't be hasty and take unnecessary risks. And there are other pathways that don't include a women's shelter that you can take.

Example, you could tell you husband that you want the two of you to take an 8 week therapeutic break and sort out each of your feelings. You could agree to have dinner 1 night a week in a public place to talk and slowly cool things down.

You could rent a room in someones house - inexpensive, no lease, minimum threat to hubby. You can extend the 8 weeks to 12, then to 16... all the while cooling down the relationship and co-parenting.

Ending a marriage is tough and often one partner is resisting and this is a common work out.

Talk to the lawyer about this. Maybe the can help with the first couple of weeks rent.

Also talk to the lawyer about community property - if you two own a home, there are some financial implications on who leaves the home and why property/money you leave with.

Play the long game Frankee.  Ending a marriage is about paving a path that you can live on forever... without your partner. It's not about being fed-up and dashing out... those are not real exits...

Make sense?

[Frankee]

It's important to plan your exit... don't be hasty and take unnecessary risks. And there are other pathways that don't include a women's shelter that you can take.

You could rent a room in someones house - inexpensive, no lease, minimum threat to hubby.

Talk to the lawyer about this. Maybe the can help with the first couple of weeks rent.

Also talk to the lawyer about community property - if you two own a home, there are some financial implications on who leaves the home and why property/money you leave with.

Make sense?

Yes.  I really feel different this time then when I fled out of fear.  I am able to really think about the consequences if I don't plan this out just right.  The upside is where I live, there are a lot of rooms for rent.  I also found a place a few months ago that had rent all bills paid that I could afford if I was working full time.  I'm also going to ask about section 8 or housing options.

I know deep down I can wait until my oldest leaves for summer vacation.  The boys are so susceptible to what is going on and taking them back to a shelter may be very traumatic.  My heart is focused on the less amount of emotional impact this will have on the boys.  I look at them and it breaks my heart.  I know they love their dad, but I know that I need to be healthy for them. 

One of my biggest concern is I will slip up before my exit plan can take effect. 

I am also worried of when I do exit, he will realize that everything I am doing now was a giant ploy to buy myself time to leave him.  I feel that is dangerous water I am treading.  I do need a real exit plan though.  I have told my boss, a friend, and my sister in law so far.  They are aware of the situation.  I am on full alert knowing that I have to plan this out very carefully.  As much as it makes me cringe, I am giving him what he wants.  I do not need him to become hostile.

I am doing this all with a clear mind, staying calm, alert of problems, and putting on the façade I need to stay safe.  It's already dangerous I am leaving him for good, I don't need to wind up in a bad way.

[Frankee]

I am going to post updates as much as I can.  I checked my messenger to talk to some friends and I realized there isn't anyone I can really talk to about this except the couple I already told.  I know most of them have heard it all before and I am concerned the wrong person may find out and blow my plan.

[Cat Familiar]

You sound clear and strategic. It’s good that you’re sharing your plan with only a few trusted people.

Once you finally do leave, how do you envision coparenting?

[Frankee]

I am going to do my best to let him see the boys more than just every other weeken and the standard holiday rotation.  I really believe I have the capacity to be mature about it.  I have already decided I am not going to be vindictive and use the kids against him.  I was with an ex who battled his ex non stop about the kids.  I saw first hand it was the little girls that paid for the  emotional trauma.

I can't control how he will live his life,  what he will say to the boys, or how he will talk about me in front of them.  I want them to still see him, but there needs to be clear boundaries in the custody order.  I can't take the risk of him feeling the state or something without repercussions.

Now I can't sleep.  I don't know if It's everything running through my head or the feeling of emptiness.  This is not how I deserve to be treated.  I deserve better.  I  am about to start a hard journey, but I see light.  I see myself struggling hard, but I also see myself finishing school, becoming healthier and happier, I can see myself being the mother I know my boys deserve.  I see them laughing, smiling, and being overall happier.

[Cat Familiar]

You are looking at this from beyond your own personal concerns and are conscious of how it will affect your children and your partner.    It's a lot to think about.

Make sure to take good care of your health right now. I know it will be stressful thinking of all this while you keep the peace in the meantime.   

[Frankee]

You are looking at this from beyond your own personal concerns and are conscious of how it will affect your children and your partner.    It's a lot to think about.

Make sure to take good care of your health right now. I know it will be stressful thinking of all this while you keep the peace in the meantime.   

Thank cat.  I had a strange dejavu dream.  Like a dream in a dream and it ended with a little boy whispering in my ear to wake up.. and I did.  Before 5am and I went straight to the bathroom and organized my belongings.  I gather my stuff I want to take, put it in little cosmetic bags and put them together on the shelf.  So if I need to flee I can grab them, but also looks like I was just cleaning up.

I sometimes feel like I am on autopilot.   Doing the steps I need to take to execute my exit plan, but not really feeling anything about it most of the time.

The thing that made me cry last night. Not all the horrible things he had said or done, but How many times my kids have seen me cry.  How many times they have comforted me while I wept from a broken heart.  Little boys should not see their mother cry because  of their father.

After I dried my tears, I started envisioning my life.  All of the things I was going to do once I was free.  Go back to the gym, take the boys to the beach more, go for walks, join some dance classes, become part of the volunteer group around here, make new mom friends, revive my social life, maybe take some self defense classes, I want to get my concealed weapons license, once I get my own car, be able to leave my house whenever I want, finishing school and making a whole new social medical network, get the boys enrolled in sports or outdoor activities, let their little wings stretch and make tons of new little friends... there is no going back.  Mine and my boys life is too beautiful once I leave.

[Frankee]

Don't get me wrong, I know exiting anf for a long period after that there is going to be extremem healing and more than likely dealing with him going crazy.  But, doesn't mean I am going to let that control my life anymore.

[Cat Familiar]

You've got some wonderful plans for the future with your boys. 

It's smart and strategic to get organized in the way you're doing, without changing your daily patterns much.

I have a question for you. You seem to be in a very different mindset now than you were a couple of years ago when you left. What motivated you to return to the relationship then?

[Frankee]

I have a question for you. You seem to be in a very different mindset now than you were a couple of years ago when you left. What motivated you to return to the relationship then?

I still loved him.  I felt horrible for ripping the boys away and disappearing.  He sent tons of messages, using beautiful words, promises to change and be the man he knows I deserve.  The boys missed him and the dogs and wanted to go home.  I wasn't strong enough.  I thought that if I gave him another chance, my love could change him.

Over the course of the last year and a half, somewhere along the line, the real me tried to start showing up.  The strong, independent, quirky, fast paced, beautiful woman with dreams for more out of life.  Instead of embracing it, he felt threatened by it.  My world wasn't revolving around him anymore and being a narcissist, he couldn't deal with that.

When I left before it was out of fear for my life, but still madly believing he could change.  Today, I see that being with him is choosing to stay in a toxic and dangerous environment.   He abused me for so long in every way possible and still managed to try to say it was my fault.  I don't see the man I was so madly in love with anymore.  Now I see the shell of a man I thought was my soulmate.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think that's a turning point, Frankee, realizing that there is a difference between leaving with the hopes of motivating someone else to change, and leaving because you realize that the relationship is what it is, and what it is does not reflect a healthy partnership where you can be your authentic self.

Please give us an update on the meeting with the crisis and resource center.

Also, I saw this on the hotline.org site:

https://www.womenslaw.org

It's a resource for abuse victims to find legal services by state, for protection orders, custody issues, etc. Might be helpful to you.