Newlywed: In desperate need of any reprieve

[Hiding wife]

Hello there. I am new to this, but I'm at my wits end and am willing to try anything at this point. I just got married in December after only knowing my husband for a month. In the beginning things were so perfect I knew this was the man I wanted to spend my life with. Now it has gotten to the point where I am being accused of everything under the sun. I am accused of cheating. I am accused of trying to leave or abandon him. I am accused of bothering his things. I am accused of bothering him while he sleeps by doing things like literally throwing dirt on him, or cutting off his Air Supply. I have also been told that I wet him in his sleep. It is getting to a point where I feel I can no longer candle this without losing myself. His mother and I both believe he has a problem, but he refuses to see anything but the delusions being true. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, and so confused. I am constantly walking on eggshells because I never know when he is going to explode or accuse me of things. In desperate need of any reprieve

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi.  Thanks for sharing your story with us. 

I think you are in the right place for support and to learn some strategies and tools that can help you cope better so that you can have a bit of internal peace while figuring out what you want to do.

How do you currently respond to these accusations?

[Hiding wife]

Before I would deny them, but the more I do the more infuriated he gets. I have taken to sleeping in a different bedroom or just not speaking in order to avoid conflict, which also upsets him. He then thinks I'm going to leave. And now him wanting to watch my every move and constantly be around me is making employment an issue. He doesn't want to go out on the road, he's a truck driver as am I,  unless we are partners. And he had me quit a past job with accusations of me cheating in order to make him feel comfortable.

[MomSA]

Hello Hiding Wife

I can empathise with you. I am sorry for what you are having to deal with. I understand it is hard as I have been married to my husband for 29 years and we recently found out that he meets many of the BPD criteria.

What support (besides here) do you have?

Would he consider counselling?

Does he know you suspect BPD or has he told you he has this tendency?

[Hiding wife]

This is the only support I have. I just googled him accusing me of things I didn't do and this info came up. I also took a few quizzes online and all of them pointed to BPD. Not understanding things fully I advised him previously to seek help for the delusions, but he insists we only need marriage counseling. After finding out info on BPD I mentioned it to him and he insinuated that he feels like it's me with this disorder. He is on the road driving again, but wants to constantly be on video phone and having me show him the whole house. I guess to ensure I don't have someone here. He has previously said he felt I was dealing with his 18 year old son when he lived with us. And he even put his mother out of our home (she was staying with us until she got into her own apartment, for about 3 months) after saying he felt I was dealing with her. In an intimate manner! He claims one of his Facebook friends told him I was dealing with an older man and an older woman, although we don't have any mutual friends, are not from the same place, and I don't even have social media. Every time we try to talk he cuts me off, raises his voice, or starts screaming. To be honest it has gotten physical in the recent past. I went to my mother's for a couple days because I was a bit fearful, even though he promised again it wouldn't happen.  He packed up my belongings and insisted I come pick them up or he'd throw them away. When I got to the house he refused to let me in, I rang the bell instead of just using my key, and ended up calling the police. He had done some sort of report when I left that I had no idea about. I didn't want to just leave the scene before they came like I had done something wrong He pushed me and I fell so when the police came he was arrested. The charges were dropped and he was out in 2 days. He said at that point he would get halp and had clarity, but he wants us to do EVERYTHING together.

[MomSA]

It sounds like you are in a very tough situation.

You will need to determine at what point you may need to separate for a while so that he can get help. You will need to draw your own limit, but please do have a safety plan as back up that you can action should you need too.

When my husband used to get angry and yell for little things, I used to diffuse the situation by saying: I will not have you talk to me like that. I am leaving the room until you are calm and can speak to me respectfully.

Then I would not say another word and leave the room. He used to follow me and yell more, but I refused to respond. On that note, I also had another saying: I will not engage with you when you are angry. And I wouldn't. Took loads of self control, but I realised he needed time to moderate his emotions before we could have any form of meaningful discussion.

With regards to the accusations, if he has BPD he will not be able to differentiate the reality from imagination. And he possibly also could misinterpret what is said and then a whole scene gets played out in his head about it and this BECOMES his reality. And it generally is paranoid...(like you and his mom being intimate!)

Another term to research is GASLIGHTING in relationships. My husband and BPD daughter are masters at this. It is always someone else fault. And when they think I am to blame, they used to get me to a point where I would think I was. But it isn't so.

This place is a good place to start, but it will be a very long hard road for you to walk if he is not seeking counselling. I would go along to the first marriage counselling session with him and then ask in return that he goes to one with you...and you choose a therapist who is versed in BPD behaviour.

Hope this helps.