Now it all makes sense

[podsnapG]

Hello,

First sorry for the long intro post! I’ve never posted on a group like this, but need good advice and support about interacting with a high functioning BPD sister-in-law “Cindy” and my brother “Dale” (a non-BPD who supports her behavior) A relative of mine who is a psychologist and knows Cindy recently told me that C shows traits of BPD. Now those weird and stressful episodes from the past make sense.

My husband and I moved near my brother and his wife about 4 years ago in order to take care of my elderly mother. We lived with my mom about 50 minutes from my brother. Mom is 90 and under hospice care. We recently moved my her to a group care home close to my brother. Dale didn’t see Mom too often when she lived with us- Cindy controls their schedule and they only visited every other week or so. Dale was not able (or allowed?) to come up by himself. We chose a group care home  near them so Dale, Cindy and their son could see Mom more often. We are able to go visit her a few times a week, since we have flexible work schedules.

I’d always had a genial relationship with D&C, but in recent years it’s become strained. I’m always walking on eggshells and avoiding topics that get her worked up. I tried to share caregiving info with them, to keep them in the loop so they can be involved in her care. I try to be straightforward and direct, while also being friendly. The pattern is- she gets hurt/offended/feels left out, then my brother takes it out on me with texts, hanging up on me, or verbally exploding. I am reluctant to call or text anymore- anything I say will likely be misinterpreted, met with simmering  anger, distrust or hurt. It is usually when I really need help or favor from them (moves, before trips, etc.) that there is some kind of blowup.

The latest issue is that they feel left out because we haven’t been socializing with them. During the difficult  week of my Mom’s latest move, they flew off the handle assuming we were avoiding them. Cindy texts me to see where I am/was, to see if I was in her area without visiting her. She tries to inflict guilt, and sometimes it works and I doubt my feelings, making it hard to stand my ground. Honestly, we ARE avoiding them now.

Here are my questions-
•How do I share info about Mom’s care without the interaction turning into a “hurt” conversation? I need to maintain communication, but right now we are in a deep freeze... when I convey info about Mom, it becomes D&C being hurt, because it’s all about Mom and we don’t make time to socialize with them anymore! (For me, it IS all about Mom right now)

•Cindy is trying to get us all together to have dinner- how do I get out of that? How can I lovingly say that my husband prefers not to be around them? He has had trouble with C for years and wants to steer clear, and he is angry at my brother for taking it out on me.

•Is it common for the spouse of a BPD to become the “tool” or mouthpiece for the BPD? I see a clear pattern of her getting him worked up, then taking it out on something/someone.

•Texting is an awful way to communicate with D&C... should I set some boundaries there?

•Is letter writing a good way to set things straight? I’m reluctant to share my thoughts and feelings for fear they will be used against me, but I’d like to open up the communication regarding Mom.

That’s it... you comments and insight will be much appreciated!
Thanks and best wishes to all of you.

[cle216]

Hi there!

I'm new also, but welcome! My mom has BPD, so my situation is different than yours but maybe I can offer support from strategies I have learned (and am still working on).

Here are my questions-
•How do I share info about Mom’s care without the interaction turning into a “hurt” conversation? I need to maintain communication, but right now we are in a deep freeze... when I convey info about Mom, it becomes D&C being hurt, because it’s all about Mom and we don’t make time to socialize with them anymore! (For me, it IS all about Mom right now)

Can you try to communicate it in a way that's all about your mom, or about the information that has been relayed by the caregivers. Just small tweaks to the way you present the info can change the message that is interpreted. For example, instead of "I think..." or "I decided..." maybe "Mom needs..." "Mom wants..." "Mom's doctor says..."

•Cindy is trying to get us all together to have dinner- how do I get out of that? How can I lovingly say that my husband prefers not to be around them? He has had trouble with C for years and wants to steer clear, and he is angry at my brother for taking it out on me.

This one is difficult. The way C responds to you it's interesting that she would even enjoy her time with you. It's probably really hard to be honest about this one, so I'm having difficulty with advice - I struggle with confrontation too. Can you dip your toes in confronting it by just explaining this has been a stressful time for everyone and you'd like to just focus on caring for your mom right now? It seems that is how you feel and at least that way it's not accusatory or finger pointing.

•Is it common for the spouse of a BPD to become the “tool” or mouthpiece for the BPD? I see a clear pattern of her getting him worked up, then taking it out on something/someone.

As a child of someone with BPD, I completely bought in to my mother's "truths". Maybe your brother really believes C's perspective and cannot see outside of it. C may be very convincing on how she presents her feelings and perspective and in an already emotional situation it may be difficult for your brother to see his own perspective. You can't control C or your brother's reinforcement of her behavior. You can control how you react and set boundaries you are comfortable with. Maybe stepping back a little bit will help give him space to see C's behaviors without an opportunity to direct his attention to you and your reactions to her

•Texting is an awful way to communicate with D&C... should I set some boundaries there?

It sounds like this is a boundary you can control. When they text you about a sensitive topic or it seems to start escalating it may be helpful to take a moment and pick up the phone and call. When they don't answer you might explain that there is a lot to discuss on this topic through text and you'd prefer to speak on the phone to so everyone is understood and ask for a return call to continue the conversation. If they continue to text, I would only state that they need to return your call and not continue to text about the topic. Does that sound like a possible solution? How do you respond now when the texting gets out of control and is misunderstood?

•Is letter writing a good way to set things straight? I’m reluctant to share my thoughts and feelings for fear they will be used against me, but I’d like to open up the communication regarding Mom.

This is a difficult call. The nice thing about a letter is you can get your feelings out uninterrupted. Is there risk of them misunderstanding your tone as they do in texts? Is there risk of them having this "evidence" in writing of your feelings to share with others or use against you later? Before C came into your brother's life, how was your communication? Were there strategies that were effective to getting your message across to him?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome! 

Cle216 has given you some great advice and strategies.     There are just a few things I want to touch on.

Regarding writing your feelings out in a letter:   Lots of members here have done that.   The benefit of doing so is they can release some of the tension and frustration that has built up.   There is value in that though I rarely see it as being beneficial to the relationship especially when it involves taking care of another person.  In addition, like cle216 mentioned, sometimes that information is used against you in some way.

pwBPD are highly sensitive and easily invalidated even when we are doing our best to not invalidate them.  We have an article here titled Communication Skills- Don't Be Invalidating to help with this very issue.  Invalidation can be a huge trigger for a lot of people not just pwBPD and learning the skills outlined in the article can sometimes help ward off misunderstandings and arguments.  See what you think and then we can maybe strategize on how to change things up for you.

You may also want to read Escaping Conflict: The Karpman Drama Triangle.  Understanding the concept of don't invalidate goes hand in hand with The Karpman Drama Triangle.

lets talk about this some more. 

Again,

[podsnapG]

Thank you Cle216 and Harri for your thoughtful and constructive  suggestions. I'll definitely read those articles before I move forward. So glad I came across this forum!

Cle216- I have been trying to keep communication informational, but I'll try a softer approach and keep it all about Mom. If the conversation becomes about whether we are avoiding them, I could use you suggestion about "under a lot of stress... focusing on Mom". My husband and I have had many losses on the last few months, so it would be a truthful statement. I do have anger towards them right now, which I know I must deal with in order to respond in a helpful way. I like your answer about requesting a call for texts that get out of hand. My past response to passive aggressive texts has been either not to reply, or to reply in a blunt way... maybe not helpful.

In phone calls, C is very persistent with her questions about perceived avoidance, which makes me nervous and clumsily evasive. Maybe rehearsing the various scenarios would be helpful?

C can be fun and charming, and before we moved here our visits were mostly good. My brother was always easy going, and still tries to be, until his anger flares up. At this point I can't imagine dinner with them and my husband's absence would be an elephant in the room. It does sound like a good idea to keep some distance with my brother and address C in a more validating way. I think she is insecure about my brother and I spending time together without her, maybe even about Mom having time alone with him. And if I were alone with him, I doubt he would veer from her perceptions.

It seems like the big challenge for me now is not to take things personally, as hurtful as they are. My husband and I have been in intense caregiving mode the last few months and are pretty tender ourselves. I look forward to reading more on this message board.

Thanks again

[cle216]

I'm glad you feel like some of the suggestions are helpful. I like Harri's resource about invalidation - I'll be checking that out for my own situation!

I think it's really big of you to recognize that you are going through a lot and some of your responses may be very emotional or not always helpful. It's hard to identify and recognize or admit what our own role is. Having losses, dealing with a family member with mental illness, and caring for your mother while maintaining all your other daily responsibilities is so stressful. Your emotions are normal for a not normal amount of stress. Don't be hard on yourself about that.

I understand why you would not reply or be blunt in texts in the past. It may have been your way of not adding to the drama or trying to clearly get a point across - unfortunately, as you learned the tone can be perceived differently depending on the recipient - and the nonresponse is a powerful message too even if you intended it not to be. I think it's great you're open to trying other approaches. I hope it's helpful or at least doesn't fuel the fire.

I think it's a great idea to rehearse the scenarios C may put you through. Please share some past experiences and questions she asks if you'd like some support on ways to respond.

You're right that not taking things personal is a challenge. It's taken me many years to work on this and I still find it to be a challenge. You are thinking with your own logic and how you treat others; that logic cannot be applied to C and it's really difficult to accept that. Hopefully this site and its resources can help you see which behaviors of hers are a result of BPD which can help you separate what is her illness which is not at all about you or anything you've done wrong. That can't be easy when you're already in an emotionally elevated state with everything you've recently been through. Take care of yourself!

[podsnapG]

Cle216

Thanks for your kind words and concern. A situation like yours with a BPD parent is so complex- I appreciate your sharing here with my relatively milder situation. Yes, the negative emotions are hard to overcome. It is hard to give validation when you feel anger and really don’t care at the moment. Because thinking about C in terms of BPD is new, it’ll take some time to readjust my reactions. This article on ending conflict was especially helpful for me
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

One tip in the article is to remember the negative consequences of reacting in invalidating ways and stay focused on my goals. I also need to figure out what my own triggers are- the buttons that C could push which cause anxiety, anger or confusion. Then rehearse and breathe!

I agreed to dinner at a restaurant with D&C- just to jump start communication (I wanted a public place- not on their turf!) It will be just me without my spouse, I need to decide if I’ll tell that to C beforehand and make up an excuse (I’m leaning towards that) or just show up alone. The possible questions may be “doesn’t he want to be around us?” “Is he avoiding us?” “Why is he afraid to get together and talk about things like a normal family?” I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it. Truth or evasive answers? A wise person I know said “sometimes you gotta side step and throw em a bone”.

A trigger for me is when C or D misinterpret my actions and assume the worst about my or my husband’s motivation. I get very offended by that.

My brother and C have moved to very extreme political views (it doesn’t matter which end of the spectrum) so I avoid many subjects now, although their rage slips out sometimes (splitting?) Those moments are another trigger for me.

I will want to convey that Mom is my focus now, what a hard time we’ve been through, and that texting is not the way I want to communicate with them. I also need to think about what my boundaries are- at what point would I excuse myself?

Who knows, it might go well with no conflict- I just never know!