Radical Acceptance-lightbulb moment

[Parents! Get help here!]

After reading thru a link on here about Radical Acceptance and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I had an AHA moment.
I’ve been stuck in the grief cycle on the loss of the kid I thought I had. I’ve also been stuck in the bargaining phase where my pain is so bad that I spend hours thinking about ways to change things. I’m seeing that if I just accept the she is emotionally handicapped, I will quit beating my head against the wall. My best friend’s son is 30 lives at home and works at a grocery store. He appears to be a healthy, vivacious man however, he has an auditory processing disorder. They accepted this early on and just accept everything about his life-it’s a nonissue and they are all quite content. I see that now as Radically Accepting what IS. Our situations here are different for sure bc of the toxic nature of pwBPD, but I think that’s where boundaries and limits come in to play-what do I choose to tolerate. Thanks for listening as I needed to process this in writing  

[PeaceMom]

After reading thru a link on here about Radical Acceptance and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, I had an AHA moment.
I’ve been stuck in the grief cycle on the loss of the kid I thought I had. I’ve also been stuck in the bargaining phase where my pain is so bad that I spend hours thinking about ways to change things. I’m seeing that if I just accept the she is emotionally handicapped, I will quit beating my head against the wall. My best friend’s son is 30 lives at home and works at a grocery store. He appears to be a healthy, vivacious man however, he has an auditory processing disorder. They accepted this early on and just accept everything about his life-it’s a nonissue and they are all quite content. I see that now as Radically Accepting what IS. Our situations here are different for sure bc of the toxic nature of pwBPD, but I think that’s where boundaries and limits come in to play-what do I choose to tolerate. Thanks for listening as I needed to process this in writing  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I think that is a great insight, PeaceMom
Radical acceptance for me means loving my son for who he is without judging him. It is still a work in progress.

[cle216]

Hi there!

I'm newer to this site and was just perusing through other boards to gain insight into other types of relationships and strategies that are helpful for people. My situation is the opposite of yours. I am the daughter of a pwBPD. I'm glad you have discovered radical acceptance and that is has been helpful in your mindset about things. Radical acceptance has helped me...it's something I have done for years but discovering it had a name and an explanation through the resources here was an even more reassuring thing for me. I observe the behavior and it is what it is. I've learned that it doesn't have the same logic or intention behind it that it would for someone without BPD. My husband struggles with my level of radical acceptance. This is something for me (and them) to work on. Some advice I've received from others here is that as you work on your acceptance is remembering to then set boundaries, since this becomes even more important. It sounds like you are already aware of that step - good for you! That is where my new challenge is.

Have you been able to apply these strategies in any situations yet?

Someone has also shared the invalidation resources with me on one of my posts - I found that it made a lot of sense and may also help in your communication with your daughter.

Your daughter is fortunate to have a mother working on acceptance and maintaining a relationship. Know that you are only one half of the relationship, and wherever your journey of learning and acceptance goes, you're doing your best.

[Lollypop]

Peacemom

Wow, you took a massive leap in understanding!  It so eases our suffering of wishing things were different. Life isn’t fair, it has to be dealt with. Gently forwards.

I really admire how you’re committed to work through this. It takes energy but so worth it!

LP

[StressedOutDaily]

Peace Mom - thank you for sharing that.  I am going to search for that link,  maybe it will help me also. 

[Lollypop]

Hi cle216

remembering to then set boundaries

I had very few boundaries which need to be 6ft thick concrete and always a consequence. I prefer to set limits because they are flexible as I reason that sometimes we just have a bad day. It’s been easier for me because my son is a quiet BPD, he internalises, doesn’t rage or be violent.

My problem is that we find it difficult sometimes knowing what is enabling and normal family support. We know he’s supposed to be doing everything himself and he has grown but still occasionally wobbles. Negotiating that delicate balance between loving support that sometimes include practical support in ways when he asks (that’s the difference I think - it’s ok to take action when he asks and after we have wisely considered it)

I think your question is a great one but one I find difficult to answer. My main boundary was no drugs in the house. This got complicated later on which is another story. No smoking in the house.
LP

[wendydarling]

Here 1.06 | Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)   

[PeaceMom]

This is thought provoking info. LP, I’m reading several people say they have a quiet PwBPD. That actually sounds much more tolerable to me. Our secondary PTSD comes from the explosive nature of our DD19uBPD. Reading thru the posts for a few weeks, I can almost begin to distinguish who has the explosive, loud loved ones vs the quiet loved ones.  It seems that those of us who have been so terribly abused by our loud ones are the ones so frantically searching for info on boundaries, limits, plans for when all hell is breaking lose and we are trying to save ourselves and families from the toxicity of the screaming, raging, slamming... 
removing myself seems to be all I can do. I have noticed that my words CAN trigger her flying into a rage so I’m the one who lives in a state of policing my mouth 24/7. Extremely difficult bc she sees almost everything as a slam
Against her character and her past painful choices. It frustrates me when we can reflect together and have teaching moments looking backward so she doesn’t continue the destructive patterns. She told me yesterday that bc I didn’t teach her to say NO she’s been sexually taken advatange of many times...That idea of placing that blame on me is just an example of her illness. UGH...

[wendydarling]

This is thought provoking info. LP, I’m reading several people say they have a quiet PwBPD. That actually sounds much more tolerable to me. Our secondary PTSD comes from the explosive nature of our DD19uBPD. Reading thru the posts for a few weeks, I can almost begin to distinguish who has the explosive, loud loved ones vs the quiet loved ones.  It seems that those of us who have been so terribly abused by our loud ones are the ones so frantically searching for info on boundaries, limits, plans for when all hell is breaking lose and we are trying to save ourselves and families from the toxicity of the screaming, raging, slamming...  

So true PeaceMom. BPD is complex and most of us are dealing with co-morbid. I was so confused when my quiet DD was dx and I found family here. I've learnt here we join the dots, it's been the most challenging experience... it is worth it, we get to a better place! I think it'd be helpful to have a poll, internal, external loved one... I think that may be helpful for newbies and encourage them to join us, they are not alone, we understand, safe place. Good idea?

We all arrive here in crisis, it's our starting point.

So good to talk and be understood.  

WDx

[PeaceMom]

I didn’t even know their was a quiet version! Mine can be extremely passive aggressive, but the passive is more like simply ignoring requests. I take a body combat class (think kick boxing) and I was telling the instructor today about my DD. She said part of her training is about helping people deal with their trauma in this powerful and empowering class. I know it is like therapy for me!  She asked if I could try to bring my DD with me to class bc she would would with her privately and help her get comfortable enough to participate. My DD lives in “Victim” mode and this might give her dome confidence .  ?  Does anyone so a difference in their loved ones after intense physical exercise?

[FaithHopeLove]

My son likes boxing and running and it does seem to help him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StressedOutDaily]

Thanks for the link WendyDarling! 

[livednlearned]

SD22 and radical acceptance is a work in progress for me too. I do like how you compare it to your friend's son and auditory processing. My S17 is on the spectrum and I had to adopt radical acceptance with him, not knowing whether he's going to be living with us until he's 30 or becoming a nobel prize winner   . His intelligence far outstrips his daily functional living skills.

I see some similarities between BPD and ASD. It does help me find the line between what is, and what can be.