Going crazy form the same arguments

[Granite Chief]

My fiance gets in these moods where everything I do is a conspiracy. She found two woman in my Facebook that I said hi to. One was an old friend and the other was from church.

I would never cheat and never will. I consider it rude to ignore these people so I said hi. She is currently wanting to move out because she thinks I have cheated. I do not think she really will move out but i am to the point I am starting to go crazy.

She said to me this morning. " I am exactly like your mom because I treat you like PLEASE READ and you come back for more"

I am so confused. I need real honest suggestions. I am leaning two ways on this and I am second guessing myself.

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[once removed]

very likely, shes reacting (strongly) to strong feelings...it may not be, most of the time, that she thinks you are cheating or would cheat.

so when she found the "hi", what did she do, what did she say? what, from her perspective, is it really about?

[Granite Chief]

It has nothing to do with me and I know this.

She freaked out and assumed I am talking to tons of women all over the place. I only have guy friends and this is on purpose.

She has had two father figures cheat on her mom and she thinks all guys are like that. She is currently threatening to move out of the house. She may but from history she is just split and will realize she is acting crazy in  a few days.

I am so confused because I love her but she is correct. She treats me horrible when she splits and is scared.

[once removed]

She freaked out

shes reacting to very strong fears.

what happened when she confronted you? what did she say?

[Granite Chief]

She says "you are talking to other woman?" Like I am having a relationship.

She does this thing where she tells me to f off and don't touch her. Then she wants me to talk with her about things going on but instead I would talk with my family and friends. Nothing bad just everyday stuff.

[once removed]

Nothing bad just everyday stuff.

the more detail, the more we can help. it may take some trial and error, but we can better walk you through it if we have a better picture of whats going on.

She says "you are talking to other woman?

what did you say in response?

Then she wants me to talk with her about things going on but instead I would talk with my family and friends.

what sort of things? do you mean that shes saying she wants to discuss issues in your relationship, your personal life, both?

[Granite Chief]

Nothing bad just everyday stuff.  How I should react to things. I used them as a baseline if I am crazy or not.

She says "you are talking to other woman? I said no I am not because I did not understand. Then I explained to her who these woman are. By now it spun out of rational control. She is going to start talking to other men to get back at me.

Then she wants me to talk with her about things going on but instead I would talk with my family and friends. - Life. Work, kids, how they are doing,

She scares me so I try and not rock the boat.

[once removed]

Then she wants me to talk with her about things going on but instead I would talk with my family and friends. - Life. Work, kids, how they are doing,

do you think she might feel left out, disconnected?

what stops you from talking to her about those things?

[Granite Chief]

Yes I do believe she feels left out.

A lot of the time I do not think of her first because she has just gotten over splinting or I am afraid she is about to split.

When she splits the worst things come out of her mouth. I feel worthless.

Thank you for talking me through this.

[Granite Chief]

She just told me she doesn't remember the last 6 hours. Is this real?

[once removed]

She just told me she doesn't remember the last 6 hours. Is this real?

shes probably not lying to you, if thats what youre asking.

when a person (anyone) is in a dysregulated state, or highly emotionally aroused, it can be a bit like emotionally blacking out. when they get back to baseline, a great deal of it may not be remembered.

A lot of the time I do not think of her first because she has just gotten over splinting or I am afraid she is about to split.

this is understandable, but it may be a chicken and the egg kind of scenario at the same time.

if youre living in fear of your wife, if you arent emotionally connected, if you arent sharing with each other, then trust only deteriorates, and her fears (as well as yours) only grow.

your partner may always be prone to flare ups, dysregulations, and she may be naturally jealous as a lot of people with BPD traits are. if you have trust, and if you react with calmness, and grace, these are likely to be shorter lived, and the discussion around them is more likely to be constructive.

does that make sense?

[Granite Chief]

Yes, I am going to take a lot of beatings but it sounds like things might calm down.

Thank you so much for this! I am so grateful for you and this group.