Going round in circles

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm posting as my partner had another episode last night. This time it was over an evening meal. She works long hours as a nurse and doesn't always have time to prepare food. Up until now we have taken it in turns to get meals, however these last two weeks she has had a limited amount of money due to having had an operation in April (which I paid $1,000 for). She flew into a rage because a meal wasn't ready and waiting for her when she got home, breaking the TV remote and throwing her purse and other objects across the room. She then berated her mother who ended up leaving the house, and told me I only buy for myself and that's what she was going to do from now on.
 It all sounds like a regular argument as I'm typing, but I have paid for so many things where she has had money problems over the past year. As soon as she gets paid she blows everything, then expects everyone els to make up for her lack of money, and if they can't or don't then a rage ensues. This has been happening for nearly a year. She apologized to me this morning but I know it's only a matter of time before it happens again. I've suggested she try therapy/counselling several times but she hasn't done anything. I am trying to use all the techniques that are talked about here, but it just feels like I'm going around and around and it's not getting any better.

[Noobie]

I'm posting as my partner had another episode last night. This time it was over an evening meal. She works long hours as a nurse and doesn't always have time to prepare food. Up until now we have taken it in turns to get meals, however these last two weeks she has had a limited amount of money due to having had an operation in April (which I paid $1,000 for). She flew into a rage because a meal wasn't ready and waiting for her when she got home, breaking the TV remote and throwing her purse and other objects across the room. She then berated her mother who ended up leaving the house, and told me I only buy for myself and that's what she was going to do from now on.
 It all sounds like a regular argument as I'm typing, but I have paid for so many things where she has had money problems over the past year. As soon as she gets paid she blows everything, then expects everyone els to make up for her lack of money, and if they can't or don't then a rage ensues. This has been happening for nearly a year. She apologized to me this morning but I know it's only a matter of time before it happens again. I've suggested she try therapy/counselling several times but she hasn't done anything. I am trying to use all the techniques that are talked about here, but it just feels like I'm going around and around and it's not getting any better.

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[Ozzie101]

It's frustrating, isn't it? Unfortunately, it can take a long time for the tools to begin to work.

Just curious, how did you respond during and after the episode last night?

Also, just something to keep in mind: even in people who don't have a personality disorder, being hungry, stressed (nursing is a very stressful job), having a bad day, etc., can cause lashing out and emotional dysregulation. I know this is a regular occurrence, but do these episodes tend to happen more frequently after a long day or when there's food involved? I'm not trying to make excuses for her, just trying to look at some underlying causes for the tantrum. What do you think?

[Noobie]

I've posted on here about my partner a couple of times, she has stated she believes she is suffering from either BPD or PTSD herself. The raging episodes have come on because of a few factors, money being one, my whereabouts being another, me not loving her, or cheating, or treating her family badly (none of which is true).
I didn't react at all to begin with last night, as her rage was firstly directed at her mother. Once she had stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door, which is common, I went in and got into bed with her. I just tried to make everything as calm and as normal as possible, I didn't make reference to what happened as I feared I might trigger things once more.

[Ozzie101]

I understand. I guess what I was trying to say was that, in my experience, being tired/hungry/stressed always made my husband's symptoms worse.

Trying to talk about a rage during or immediately after is usually not a good idea. The pwBPD is not likely to be receptive so I think that was a good call on your part. So, when you went in and tried to comfort and calm her, how did she react? How were things this morning?

You mentioned you try to use the techniques on this site. Could you tell me which ones?

[Noobie]

She was still a little angry this morning, she said she didn't really care if I was mad at her, then asked why I didn't tell her goodnight or that I loved her last night. I did both which is what I told her.
I didn't talk about it any further until she apologized by text later on. I still made little reference to last night. She said it was a slip up and I said slip ups can happen.
I guess I mostly am trying to make J.A.D.E work for me/us, just sometimes it feels like I'm not getting anywhere.

[Ozzie101]

Communicating with pwBPD can be very confounding. I can't tell you how many times my H would accuse me of doing or saying something or not doing or saying something when I knew darn well the opposite was true. The feelings=facts aspect of BPD is difficult to wrap the brain around. Sounds possible your wife didn't feel loved for some reason (dinner wasn't there and ready for her?) so she believed you hadn't actually said you loved her -- even though you did.

I guess I mostly am trying to make J.A.D.E work for me/us,

JADE is generally not advised (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0) -- though it's an easy trap to fall into. It's tempting to jump in and defend yourself against unfair accusations. I know I was doing A LOT of it before I found this site. Have you tried using SET (Support Empathy Truth) instead? We have a workshop on it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

[Noobie]

Sorry if that reply was confusing, I'm feeling confused and not expressing myself very well. I meant I'm trying not to J.A.D.E which I probably was doing at the beginning before she told me she thinks she may be dealing with BPD. I have been reading on here almost daily since that day.

[Ozzie101]

Oh good! I hoped that's what you meant but the way it was worded...

Yes, it's very hard not to JADE. I still fall into that trap myself, sometimes. The urge to defend ourselves is so strong. That's good that you're working on it.

One thing I learned here from my fellow members was that the tools aren't just for the rages and dysregulations. They're actually most effective when applied during calm, happy times. It's laying a foundation. Trying SET in the middle of a rage can actually be counter-productive. But loving attention, positive reinforcement and good communication when times are good can help build up security that, over time, can lessen the severity and frequency of attacks. Is that something you're working on?

[Noobie]

Every chance I get. I'm emotionally exhausted and feel like it's not working.

[Ozzie101]

I understand, believe me. It's easy to get worn down and frustrated. These things take a lot of time and effort.

One very important thing is self-care. Are you doing anything for you? Hobbies? Hanging out with friends? Just taking a walk or listening to music you like? It's easy for your bucket to drain dry if you don't refill it occasionally.

[Noobie]

I try to when I can do, this also seems to be a trigger for rage though. Commonly she says I don't want to spend any time with her, I'd rather spend it with my friends or away from her, that I'm avoiding her. Around and around we go.

[Ozzie101]

Ah, yes. That sounds like the fear of abandonment, push-pull kicking in. Have you tried sugar-coating it? For instance, when you plan to do something with friends, planning something special for the two of you and spending some quality time to sort of "fill her cup"?

[Noobie]

I've even tried to include her in the little time I spend with friends, I've tried to make special time for us regularly. A lot of the time she's not interested in either, and just sits with her phone.