Graduation Gifts and $$$ with a uNPD/BPD

[GaGrl]

Advice and ideas needed, my friends...we have a trip planned next week around our grandaughter's graduation from high school. GD has said several times over the past few years that she wants our older crossover SUV, and there was some vague idea that we could make this happen. So...here's the situation that has shaped up over the last year or so.

1) GD18 had developed some severe anxieties. She will no longer fly, at all, meaning she won't visit Thailand in the summer  with her uNPD/BPD grandmother (DH's ex). She quit performing in the school orchestra and the city youth symphony due to anxieties. She has not gotten her driver's license -- she drives accompanied by an adult but won't drive on the interstate or bypass due to anxiety. Test-taking has been difficult, grades don't reflect her abilities, and she is choosing not to "walk" with the other students for graduation ceremonies. She is in therapy and likes her therapist. GD18 was going to take a gap year but thought she could get an apartment with a friend and have it paid out of her college fund. She doesn't believe her mom that DH will not release funds unless she is enrolled in school, so that conversation has to be had. She has a job for the summer.

2) Daughter (38) had an older but dependable sedan but due to her commute, really needs a better car. D38 is concerned about the anxieties and did the right thing re: therapy but is frustrated with GD18's level of naivete' re: DH and her other grandmother's willingness to finance a lifestyle to which GD18 would like to become accustomed. In discussing turning the SUV over to GD18, D38 agreed that while part could be a graduation gift (with DH and uNPD/BPD contributing), GD18 should take on a portion and pay from her job.

3) uNPD/BPD learned that D38 wants GD18 to make payments on SUV and disagrees. She has now called DH to discuss, because she doesn't want GD18 to have to pay anything. DH had not replied and has gotten follow-up texts. He has told D38 that he will not discuss $$$ with her mother -- too much history. Ex has many times told her children that something was a gift, only to take it back or tell them that it actually was a loan.

4) DH would prefer that we give the SUV to D38, and the older sedan can go to GD18, who can then get her DL and bang up the older car as much as she wants. He wants no $$$ involvement with his ex-wife. D38 is glad to buy the car from us. It would be D38's decision as to whether GD18 pays anything for the older sedan.

5) GaGrl sees so many potential conflicts and triangulation as to be dizzy. DH returned home from a business trip last night, and tonight I want to suggest this -- DH and I give the SUV to D38, no cost, and D38 pays to get the a/c repaired (we would done this if it was being purchased). D38 details the older sedan and gives it to GD18 contingent on her getting a DL.  The SUV could go to her later on, at D38' s discretion -- not up to us. No $$$ are required from the ex -- she is on her own to come up with a graduation gift of her choosing. DH and Gagrl give GD18 a graduation gift that is a "forever" gift (jewelry, already purchased, that GD18 admired earlier this year).

There is a graduation dinner planned for a restaurant for GD18 and her bestie/families. UNPD/BPD ex will not attend (thank you, Jesus) as she and her BF will be out of town.

Long, I know...but based on this, what all can go wrong, and what, if anything, could DH and I head off or alleviate? We anticipate that GD18 will be unhappy at not receiving the SUV. She has already given up on the gap year idea but DH still needs to clarify for her how her college funds will be released.

Our boundaries -- gifts are gifts with no strings, financial dealings are with people we trust, and we are trustworthy stewards of funds entrusted to us (college fund).

[worriedStepmom]

I love your boundaries.

However, as much as I like your plan, for how to deal with the situation, your gift of the SUV to D38 comes with serious strings.  I would make sure to consider your options if she turns down your offer.  If she has a long commute and it doesn't get as good gas mileage as her other car, it might not be financially worthwhile to her to switch.  Or she may be uninterested in paying to get the AC fixed.  Or in giving the other car to GD.  Or in holding onto the other car for an undetermined time to see if GD gets her license.

Your giving the SUV to D38 has strings that she just might not want to deal with, and that's okay.

[GaGrl]

Things move quickly around here...since I posted, DH came home from playing golf and called the Toyota service center for an appointment to get th a/c fixed. It's over 95 today, and the plan is to drive the car out to San Antonio next week, then fly home. No way are we driving the Gulf Coast and South Texas with bad a/c.

As to the other, DH had texted back and forth with D38, and she's cool ( and really grateful) to get the SUV and turn her sedan over to GD18.  As a cross-over rather than a full-size SUV, it has good has mileage.

Once it's hers, we don't care if it eventually goes to GD18 or not. ..not our property, not our problem, not our business.

I think my primary goal was getting to something that kept us out of any decision loop that could triangulate us , especially financially, with DH's Ex -- she vacillates between indulging and then using those indulgences for manipulation.

[Turkish]

I was thinking #4, sounds like it kind of turned out like that. Let the mother deal with her daughter and wash your hands of it. 

[livednlearned]

I would love to hear how you managed to arrange for BPDx to be out of town for the graduation party  

 

We have a situation like that brewing for SD25's graduation this summer.

I didn't quite follow how DH's ex would be involved in any finances. It sounds like you've resolved things neatly so that you aren't touching any of those pain points with her?

[GaGrl]

lnl, the original vague idea was for Ex and SD38 to "buy" the SUV for GD18; that is, they would each contribute some cash to DH when he signed over the SUV. So that's where the possibility of financial entanglement with the Ex came in, and she is notorious for changing the terms on such "gifts." DH and the Ex went in to buy SD38 a minivan some years ago, and everyone understood it was a gift. Suddenly, Ex was pi* *ed about something SD38 did or said (probably DR holding a boundary), and suddenly her gift had really been a loan, and SD38 needed to start making payments. I know I can't control such things, but I'd rather figure out ways ahead of time that don't set up SD38 and GD18 for manipulation.

As to how I arranged for Ex to be out of town for the graduation? I've been working real hard on my sorcery skills!

Seriously, we got the invitation, and DH asked if I'd be OK attending with Ex there. I said I would, and that I'd appreciate being seated at the opposite end of the table. I had begun practicing some deflection phrases, such as "That's rather personal -- why would you ask?" , since Ex has no problem asking how much of a mortgage we have on our house, or what my retirement income is ( I know part of this is cultural, but she really misses the Western social aspect of "none of your business). GD18 was having anxiety about all of us being at the dinner and actually asked if she could have two dinners -- one as planned with us and her BF's family, and another with the Ex and the other grandmother ( who isn't BPD but has her own challenges and had been in-patient several times). GD18 simply didn't trust that the Ex could hold it together for an evening without insulting someone or making it about her.

Then SD38 called and said the Ex and her BF had made a commitment to his family in South Carolina and wouldn't be able to attend. Hmmmm...

But one doesn't question good fortune.

[Panda39]

I've had a few graduations lately too.

Both of my SO's daughters have had graduations in the last 6 months (My son also graduated  ).  D22 graduated from college with her teaching degree!   (still has the debt from her mother's Vermont fiasco )  She is no contact with mom so she didn't attend graduation or the festivities following.

By the way D22 just got a job as a 5th & 6th grade math teacher!  Super excited for her. 

D18 just graduated High School.  I sat out the ceremony (watched on-line) and mom attended. I went to the post graduation dinner and mom didn't.

I find I have more sympathy for mom these days but she has made no changes so she is still status quo and not trusted by the girls.

Lnl, I know you will figure out a way to make graduation work for you.  Or maybe Gagrl will lend you her magic wand!



Panda39

[livednlearned]

the original vague idea was for Ex and SD38 to "buy" the SUV for GD18; that is, they would each contribute some cash to DH when he signed over the SUV.

Ah.

Yes, that does seem like a set-up.

The only time I ever saw money from ex (other than child support/alimony, which he was excellent about paying) was when a judge threatened to have the bailiff put him in jail.

I took that to heart. Unless I feel like doing that again, I assume I'll never see money from him. No matter what words come out of his mouth. Gonna take a bailiff.

As to how I arranged for Ex to be out of town for the graduation? I've been working real hard on my sorcery skills!

 

I offered SD25 the option of having a small graduation party at our home. I didn't come out and say that I don't feel comfortable having biomom here, but I don't feel comfortable having biomom here.

I don't think SD25 will mind if she goes to the ceremony. I do think she'll feel embarrassed if mom comes to the party.

I may have to be the bad guy and say, "No need to share. She can take you out for dinner the night before or the night after. We can plan the party around your schedule."

[GaGrl]

Panda -- your SD22's graduation is awesome! The start to her college career was so incredibly disappointing. For her to push through it and have an exciting job lined up is a testament to her tenacity.

LnL, graduation is a big deal for your SD22. She deserves some celebration! I read on your other thread that she is coming to your house 14 days at a time? Is she anxious about job-hunting? That does seem as if it's putting  a heavy burden on you, if your husband is working.

All in all, I have to be grateful that 1) Ex lives 1100 miles away, and 2) We are financially able to gift and thus avoid $$$ involvement with Ex.

At least we can have a celebration visit next week. I was dreading it if Ex was going to be around -- that would have turned it into an obligation visit.

[livednlearned]

LnL, graduation is a big deal for your SD22. She deserves some celebration! I read on your other thread that she is coming to your house 14 days at a time? Is she anxious about job-hunting? That does seem as if it's putting  a heavy burden on you, if your husband is working.

SD22 just graduated in a town 6 hours away and came down yesterday. H went up to celebrate with SD22, her BPD mom and mom's affair partner, SD22's brother and grandparents). She's anxious about finding a job and there are early signs that interviews aren't going great. She's licensed to be a special ed teacher (high demand) and yet doesn't seem to be getting call backs. We'll see... fingers crossed. Her social skills seem below average so she might not be making a great impression.

At least we can have a celebration visit next week. I was dreading it if Ex was going to be around -- that would have turned it into an obligation visit.

That's a good way to describe the distinction. Big congratulations to your GD! 

And to your SO's D22, too, Panda. I can't believe it's been four years since she had her first semester freshman college debacle 

[GaGrl]

I can't tell you guys -- Panda, LnL, Worriedstepmom-- how much I appreciate that you are there with your shared experiences and advice when something comes up. Since DH and I married, I really have had an education in PDs and anxieties -- I would never have imagined myself in some of the situations that have arisen.

Thank you all!