How can we help our adult son who is in a relationship with a person with BPD?

[Flossie]

Hello -

Our 22 year-old son has been in a relationship with a young woman we believe has BPD for the past year. They do not live together - he lives with 2 roommates who are good friends of his from high school. He is a recent college grad and has a good new job. This is his first long-term relationship... and she is a lovely young woman in many respects. But lately she has been exhibiting many if not most of the signs and symptoms of BPD - attempts to control him, and his time, behavior and relationships, raging, threatening self-harm, calling him at all hours, mood swings, etc. and it's beginning to interfere with his work, his sleep, and his well-being. But for the moment he is choosing to stay in the relationship.

We have read The Essential Family Guide to BPD and have suggested to him that BPD may be the situation with her, but he is reluctant to believe so, and is still justifying her behavior (and often taking the blame for it.)

We have read and learned so much about BPD (and have a fair amount of experience with various therapies, recoveries, etc.) but there isn't much out there about how best to help an adult child who is in relationship with someone with BPD. All we really want is for him to educate and take care of himself so he is coming from a strong central core. Any recommendations as to resources or how best we can provide him with insight and tools would be most welcome.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Flossie!

Let me be the first to welcome you to  bpdfamily - we are glad you are here!

You're right, there isn't much "out there" on how to help an adult child cope with an intense relationship. You've come to the right place for support and information.

It sounds like your son is communicating his struggle with you and that's great - he trusts you with this stuff. It also sounds like he's not ready to open up the BPD can of worms, and that's understandable. It's not easy to learn that someone we love may have a personality disorder - especially if we read stuff on the internet that paints a doom and gloom picture for us. You will find clinically responsible articles here at  bpdfamily, information you can trust.

I love that you describe your son's GF as "a lovely young woman in many respects." It shows you've separated the person from the disorder

Since your son is opening up to you, I'd advise treading lightly - you don't want to risk him clamming up, you know? When he shares his struggle, frustration, I'd advise listening with empathy, validating his feelings. More on this here:

Empathetic Listening and Active Listening

Communication Skills - Don't be Invalidating

These articles are written with communicating with a pwBPD (person with BPD) in mind but the skills are great in any relationship. Keep your son talking 

Keep posting, reading, reaching out for support. We are here for you. You may find that you'll gain some insight into what your son may be dealing with by venturing over to the Relationships section of this site.

Again,

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Flossie
I join OH in welcoming you. You raise an important question. I am not aware of any resources that address it specifically but the articles OH sent you links to were both helpful to me in improving my relationship with my BPD son and may be helpful to your son too as he negotiates this relationship. The subject of a young romance with a person with BPD is very emotional for me. My son's gf of 8 years broke up with him a few months ago right after his diagnosis. I really grew to love her and see her as my future DIL. But she told me she is never going back because he hurt her too much which I believe. I pray that one day my son will be able to love and be loved in a healthy marriage. Sometimes I lurk on the bettering board to see what it takes for a relationship with a pwBPD to work out. Let's learn together how to be supportive of these 'mixed" (BPD and non) relationships and marriages our children are in or will be in in the future.

[livednlearned]

How lucky your son is to have you caring about him so lovingly.  

Since your son is opening up to you, I'd advise treading lightly - you don't want to risk him clamming up, you know? When he shares his struggle, frustration, I'd advise listening with empathy, validating his feelings.

Only Human offers great advice.

Many of the skills we learn here to deal with a BPD loved one work just as well (if not better) with those who love a BPD sufferer.

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms is an excellent resource for learning to ask validating questions. You want your son to feel heard and supported and validated, and you want him to be responsible and accountable for his actions. Validating questions can be the precise way to accomplish both.

It takes a lot of emotional strength to be in a BPD relationship and he is likely feeling battered emotionally. We have to find that fine line between validating and coaching. He will not hear the coaching until he feels validated, most likely. It's also likely that he is not sure which way is up inside the relationship and that will make him doubt himself. He is probably particularly sensitive to any criticism since that is likely dialed to 10 in the relationship.

Also, there's always a chance that if he shares with his GF that you have concerns about her, she could split you black and start putting a wedge between you and your son.

My husband's daughter is likely BPD and I have learned the hard way to focus on how he feels in response to his D, instead of intellectualizing the disorder or trying to explain it or fix her.

Instead I agree that yes, she seems to have trouble with perspective-taking. Or she seems to have trouble with relationships and keeping friends. Agreed, she cannot seem to be alone and will do frantic things to avoid feeling abandoned. She seems to be on an emotional roller coaster, yes. Medication doesn't appear to be helping her with emotional instability, correct. She tends to take on the characteristics of whomever she is with and her identity is unstable. All things that are BPD without saying she is BPD.  

I also validate that yes, I can see why he is exasperated with the 4-5 calls a day. He shares her texts with me, all bazillion of them, asking for feedback -- did he say something wrong? No, I offer that he is compassionate, her anxiety is heightened.

I listen and validate and wait for that moment when he is asking for help, then I have ideas lined up and ready for him to consider, if he's willing. Short conversations, lots of validation and emotional support.

I modeled some skills and broke them down for him when he noticed. He tended to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) and has all but stopped doing that with her. Helping him create a validating environment for D22 has made him more receptive to other suggestions, although it is slow work and he is understandably fearful about worse-case scenarios.

This is delicate relationship work. The skills are not always intuitive and must be learned.

Your son is fortunate that you care and are willing to learn and be there for him.

[Only Human]

I listen and validate and wait for that moment when he is asking for help, then I have ideas lined up and ready for him to consider, if he's willing. Short conversations, lots of validation and emotional support.

I modeled some skills and broke them down for him when he noticed.
[...]
Helping him create a validating environment for D22 has made him more receptive to other suggestions, although it is slow work and he is understandably fearful about worse-case scenarios.

Thank you, livednlearned, for mapping out how you validate your H, and for pointing out that coaching will likely not be well received until the foundation is set. Your post has been most helpful to me and, I'm sure, to others.

~ OH

[PeaceMom]

Wow, I am amazed at the example here. You must be an incredibly patient person by nature. Or perhaps a trained professional? I don’t know that I’ve ever validated anyone quite like your example, in my life! So in some ways, you are using the same technique on your non-BPDH that we should use on our PwBPD.  I probably make the mistake of validating then jumping right into trying to come to a concensus much too early on problems that are way to big to solve.
I have a son with BP 1 who has always been very rigid brained (a black and white thinker) who has some odd core beliefs. For example, he deeply believes that only wealthy, extremely attractive people can have fulfilling lives. He believes this to his core and has since he was 7. It makes me crazy and it’s so hard to converse with him when this topic comes up daily. Any thoughts?

[livednlearned]

You must be an incredibly patient person by nature.

  No  

After many many many years of doing things the same expecting different results, I had to give up ways that weren't working and find ones that did. The ways that work made me dig deep deep deep. I had to do an overhaul and learn to respond, not react. Patience is a lot of effort and work in progress for me. I'm a fixer.

I probably make the mistake of validating then jumping right into trying to come to a concensus much too early on problems that are way to big to solve.

We are twins then  

I found that it was better for me if I used validating questions because it tosses things right back to the other person.

I also had to really pay attention to my own feelings, especially how they physically manifest, because if I'm anxious I slip back into bad habits.

he deeply believes that only wealthy, extremely attractive people can have fulfilling lives. He believes this to his core and has since he was 7. It makes me crazy and it’s so hard to converse with him when this topic comes up daily. Any thoughts?

I wonder what he is feeling underneath those beliefs?

[PeaceMom]

Sorry to hijack this thread, but I’ll respond about my son. Deep in his core he feels unattractive and never enough compared to others -so his rigid core beliefs formed early. When he has experienced BP mania, this belief system really comes pouring out. It is strange and sad. He was a very needy little kid and I came to resent it and my role of having to constantly help him get “fixed”, he was also physically abused in a daycare situation by a mean older kid. So, I’m assuming trauma is the cause of his rigid brain. I try to respond with the teachings of Dr Kristen Neff on self compassion . I tell him all humans feel insecure and not enough and that is normal and that we can talk to ourselves as our own best friend, in a kind way, never a degrading way. Dr. Neff teaches self compassion vs self esteem! Love her (like Brene Brown and Shame).