I'm not feeling good about my decision to leave

[Theperfectsky]

Mod Note:  this thread was split from   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336677.0;all

Im not feeling good about my decision to come to GA. I feel like i made a quick rash decision when i was emotional and not logical and now I have made a mistake. Not saying the breakup was a mistake. The leaving SC...

Both of my childrens fathers are in SC and cant leave. My sons father followed me there and established a life there just like I had. He is stuck in a lease for another 8m. To break the lease would be thousands of dollars. He is furious with me. My daughter's father is in residency. I left a great job and I feel I made a horrible mistake. I'm feeling very lost and confused. My anxiety is out the roof. I wake up sick to my stomach nauseated having to go to the restroom. I'm having awful dreams.

I dont know what to do

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

An emotional, unplanned exit can leave you feeling lost and confused, especially after the adrenaline of leaving has subsided.

It's hard to build a new life, and you really need some outside support. I know it may be difficult to start over with a new therapist where you are now, but have you considered it?

As I recall, you looked at housing in your other town, and found that it was too expensive. The shelter was not very supportive. What do you think you could have done differently in order to remain safe but also stay in your old area?

If you are feeling guilty for leaving because it is now inconvenient for your son's father, well... remember that he didn't have to live in the crazymaking situation you were in. You did, and your kids did... including his son.

[Theperfectsky]

An emotional, unplanned exit can leave you feeling lost and confused, especially after the adrenaline of leaving has subsided.

It's hard to build a new life, and you really need some outside support. I know it may be difficult to start over with a new therapist where you are now, but have you considered it?

As I recall, you looked at housing in your other town, and found that it was too expensive. The shelter was not very supportive. What do you think you could have done differently in order to remain safe but also stay in your old area?

If you are feeling guilty for leaving because it is now inconvenient for your son's father, well... remember that he didn't have to live in the crazymaking situation you were in. You did, and your kids did... including his son.

I'm now having the same problem here. A 2br I found there which I really need 3 is the same price as a 2br here. So I could've moved into a 2br. Looks like thats what I'll have to do here. So I'm feeling like wtf did I do? I cant find care here for my children. I had that there. I had everything there.

After the fact. After i got here my son's father said "you could've stayed with me until you found a place" which he didnt offer me while I was there. I was browsing when I still lived there but I wasn't looking as hard as I could have. Family and friends kept telling me how I needed to leave and I knew that but of course I had hope that things would change. When the last event occurred I had reconnected with a distant family member and I was convinced then I needed to leave and I could find a new job and etc. And without thinking I just jumped. They could drive right then and come and help me and it seemed so odd that this opportunity would be available while all this was going on. I thought if I removed myself I would start to believe this was the right thing to do

Im not saying I want to go back to him. Thats not at all what I'm saying. I'm saying that I shouldn't have left SC. I dont see how logistically both dads will see their children...

[No-One]

Im not feeling good about my decision to come to GA. I feel like i made a quick rash decision when i was emotional and not logical and now I have made a mistake. Not saying the breakup was a mistake. The leaving SC...

Both of my childrens fathers are in SC and cant leave. I dont know what to do

Don't beat yourself up.  You were under a lot of stress, when you made the decision to quit your job and left SC.  In hindsight, going on a leave of absence from your job might have been a better option.  Any chance of getting in touch with your prior employer and trying to get your old job back? 

I know it's easier said than done, but can you work towards a goal of going back to SC and getting your own place?  You may need to place your possessions that are still at your partner's house in storage for awhile.

Probably the first step would be to secure a job in SC.  Maybe a friend, family or perhaps your son's father might help you with a security deposit, etc. to rent some housing in SC?

It can help ease your anxiety to proactively work on a plan.  It's understandable that living where both fathers live is more logical for your children in the long run. 

Perhaps, you can start looking into possible jobs in SC?  Then, look into possible housing?  Steps in the direction to get back to SC to your own place where you will feel safe.  Then, you can sort things out with your daughter's father.  Just focus on visitations for your daughter right now.  Then, you can see if it's possible for your partner to get some help with his mental health.

In the meantime, focus on the tools here and ways to communicate with your partner (ex partner?) and to set and enforce boundaries.  See how things evolve and don't rush back to an abusive relationship (beyond child visitations). 

[Theperfectsky]

Don't beat yourself up.  You were under a lot of stress, when you made the decision to quit your job and left SC.  In hindsight, going on a leave of absence from your job might have been a better option.  Any chance of getting in touch with your prior employer and trying to get your old job back? 

I know it's easier said than done, but can you work towards a goal of going back to SC and getting your own place?  You may need to place your possessions that are still at your partner's house in storage for awhile.

Probably the first step would be to secure a job in SC.  Maybe a friend, family or perhaps your son's father might help you with a security deposit, etc. to rent some housing in SC?

It can help ease your anxiety to proactively work on a plan.  It's understandable that living where both fathers live is more logical for your children in the long run. 

Perhaps, you can start looking into possible jobs in SC?  Then, look into possible housing?  Steps in the direction to get back to SC to your own place where you will feel safe.  Then, you can sort things out with your daughter's father.  Just focus on visitations for your daughter right now.  Then, you can see if it's possible for your partner to get some help with his mental health.

In the meantime, focus on the tools here and ways to communicate with your partner (ex partner?) and to set and enforce boundaries.  See how things evolve and don't rush back to an abusive relationship (beyond child visitations). 

Idk if its possible or not to get my old job back. I would be ashamed to face them again honestly. I have been looking for jobs in SC. I applied to one. Havent heard back yet. Idk if my daughter's father will always be in SC he has 2 years of residency left which is why he can't leave. He hasn't said anything to me about visitation. He says he misses her everyday and asks for pics but not one time has he asked if he can come see her or meet with me or something or discuss his schedule with me. The only time he did say anything was one morning that he wished I could bring her there that day he texted me that when he got off work.

As far as a deposit I have the money to do that. Right now I have a job with my old employer here as prn (as needed) basis. I'm working next wed and Thurs. I'll have to move into my dads this weekend in order to be close to that job.

Ive also contacted my T i had when I was here and I have an appt with her Monday. 

I left as you know but we havent had a talk as far as we are broken up or not. He wont talk to me about anything to do  with the relationship. I left our home and I have no intentions of going back to him. Maybe in the future if he decides to get help and is committed to that and active in therapy sure id love for our family to be together. But im not holding my breath. 

Yea I def want to get better with the tools. Not sure where to start. I find them difficult to do. I read SWOE so I'm familiar with SET and not JADEing But its hard to do it when it's happening. Dad need lots of help with boundaries. Need help with it all haha

Thanks to all of you for all of your help since I found this place!

[No-One]

Theperfectsky:

Idk if its possible or not to get my old job back. I would be ashamed to face them again honestly. I have been looking for jobs in SC. I applied to one. Haven't heard back yet.

If you believe your manager from the job you quit thought you were a good employee, with good job performance and attendance, perhaps it's worth a try to contact your manager.  I don't know what you told them about your situation, but there might be some sympathy for you.  Could be worth a chance to perhaps send an email.  If they haven't hired someone to replace you, there could be a chance.  I can understand that it would be embarrassing for you, but an email might be easier than a phone call.

Idk if my daughter's father will always be in SC he has 2 years of residency left which is why he can't leave.

If you move back to SC, so that both fathers can have visitation with their child, and 2 years later your daughter's father moves out of state, then he would be the cause of visitation infrequency/difficulty (not you).  Even if your daughter's father takes a job out of state, after he completes his residency in 2 years, you still have your son's father who wants to visit him.  You have a complicated situation that can evolve over time.   If visitation is important enough for your daughter's father, then he will gain employment in the state where his daughter is living.

Ive also contacted my T i had when I was here and I have an appt with her Monday.

Yea I def want to get better with the tools. Not sure where to start. I find them difficult to do. I read SWOE so I'm familiar with SET and not JADEing But its hard to do it when it's happening. Dad need lots of help with boundaries. Need help with it all haha        

Good to hear that you have an appt. with your GA therapist.  It should be beneficial to have a familiar ear for an in-person chat.

The communication tools can take some practice.  Boundaries will be important to you right now (restrictions you set, you have control over and you enforce)  Generally, when you set a boundary with someone, they won't like it, agree with it and will generally challenge it.  It's your job to enforce your boundaries.  One boundary could be in regard to texting, which can be a problem for pwBPD.  It's up to you to decide.

Some people might eliminate all texting.  Others might have a boundary of cutting off engagement in texts, after the conversation gets heated (i.e. say something like: I'm leaving the text convo.  I can tell you are having a bad day, we can chat on another day, when you are feeling better).

Other boundaries, about your safety plan, will be something to write down and have for future reference.  Again, that is something you will need to enforce.  I believe I've read prior discussions about a safety plan.  Writing it down and having it available as a reminder, can be valuable.

Don't Invalidate/Validation is a good skill to learn.  This deals with someone's feelings and about empathizing with the way they feel.  It doesn't mean that you agree with their behavior of position on something or that their position is accurate or false.  It's just about acknowledging feelings.  It can be hard to validate, so if you have difficulty with trying to validate feelings about something in particular, best to stay silent and just don't discount their feelings.

If you go to the green band at the top of the page, you will find a "Tools" menu.  Within the "Tools" menu (towards the middle), you will find links to tutorials about both boundaries and don't invalidate/validate.

So what are some boundaries you might want to set, to improve communication from your perspective?  Regarding don't invalidate/validate, are there some past situations that didn't go well.  Perhaps you can reflect upon them and practice some alternate possible responses.

The skills get easier with practice.  Lots of posters here find it beneficial to post about a situation/conversation and ask for input on how they could have  used a certain skill. (either for the first time or to improve upon it)

What are some boundaries you want to set right now? (perhaps ones to make communication better from your perspective).  

Take care.  Perhaps do something relaxing this weekend.  If the weather is good, maybe pack a lunch and make a trip to a local park with the children.

[Theperfectsky]

Thank you so much no one for all your help and advice!

I guess I can begin now since he seems to want to communicate today...
I asked how the cats were doing and he sent me pics of them. He said he missed me and i said I missed him too. He asked if I love him to which i told him yes. I asked if he loves me he said yes. I then asked him what do you want to do? No response for an hr or so he texts again that he misses his baby girl and sent another pic of the cats. I asked him again what does he want to do? Idk where to go from here this is the most consistent communication we have had since I left.

Ive never had boundaries and was never taught them either. Idk where to even begin. I know that probably sounds stupid...

[Theperfectsky]

Is this a time to validate? "I know you miss her"? "I know youre having a hard time"?

[once removed]

validation/not invalidating gets easier when you think of it as a life skill, more than a situational thing.

i think youre talking more about sympathizing with him. you definitely dont want to be antagonistic, but sympathizing really depends on what youd be trying to accomplish.

[Theperfectsky]

validation/not invalidating gets easier when you think of it as a life skill, more than a situational thing.

i think youre talking more about sympathizing with him. you definitely dont want to be antagonistic, but sympathizing really depends on what youd be trying to accomplish.

Right. I understand that. But is this a time I use that? What do I say now?

[No-One]

 I asked him again what does he want to do? Idk where to go from here this is the most consistent communication we have had since I left.

His lack of answering could be that he is confused and unsure of his answer.  I'm thinking his residency training is very draining and stressful.  He may be overwhelmed and not able to process relationship issues right not.   Don't press for an answer.  Best to not ask for awhile.

You need to think over his possible answers and how you will respond.  Perhaps practice writing out a few SET responses. Probably best to focus on discussions regarding your daughter, your cats and the status of your possessions that are at his house.  It's a good sign that the cats appear to be okay.

Don't get sucked back in, without proof of positive change, and that won't happen overnight.  

If you decide to go back to SC, it could be to your advantage if he lets you keep your things at his house for awhile longer.  It would be less of a hassle to not have to move your things more than once.  

Is this a time to validate? "I know you miss her"? "I know you're having a hard time"?

The statements are supportive, probably more of a validation of fact/truth.  Could be used as part of a SET statement:  

Often, validation of feelings can help defuse a situation where your partner is blaming/criticizing you (or someone else), when they are in a period of dysregulation.  

Here is an example that might happen in the future, or perhaps has happened in the past:

Partner: "This whole situation is your fault"

You (validating his feelings):  "I understand that you feel this is my fault.  I can tell you are still upset.  Lets let our emotions settle for a couple of days and have a conversation when we are both calm"

Ive never had boundaries and was never taught them either. Idk where to even begin. I know that probably sounds stupid...

 You'd probably be surprised how many people aren't familiar with boundaries.  Most people who post here had to learn about them and get in some practice.  I think the biggest mistake people make is thinking that others will honor your boundaries.  Usually, people tend to try and ignore boundaries.  Consistent enforcement of personal boundaries is essential.

Check out the workshop on Boundaries.  Read it a few times. The link below is to the Book Section here, with a recommendation on a book about Boundaries:  
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59097.0

The subject of boundaries comes up a lot and applies to various relationships: romantic partners, parent versus child, between siblings, etc. People who have boundaries are generally more emotionally healthy, as opposed to others who don't have boundaries.

This can be a growth opportunity for you.  It could be beneficial to discuss boundaries here in a thread, as well as with your therapist.  As you learn about boundaries, you find it helpful to have certain boundaries that will apply to parenting your children.  

Take things a step at a time.  Perhaps make an outline of what you want to discuss during your therapy session next week.  You may just want to do some venting for the first session.  Sometimes, it can be productive to target some goals for the session.  (i.e. first half venting/free discussion, next 1/4 about boundaries, last 1/4 about validation, etc.)

[Theperfectsky]

@no one
Sorry I'm not sure how to do only certain sentences as an excerpt.

Yea I'm sure he is confused and unsure. Residency is very draining and stressful. Idk what to say when he says he misses us. He sent me pics of the cats loving on him and him loving back on them so yea thats good.

But I'm def not getting sucked back in. I'm very adamant on him getting help.
The lease on the SC house ends july31 so I can't leave it there for much longer.

So when he says "youre the one who took my daughter away from me" this is a time to use SET?

Ive read the boundaries workshop a few times and I didny really get anything from it. It explained what boundaries were and what they were used for but I'm more of a visual person if I could see examples. 

[No-One]

@no one
Sorry I'm not sure how to do only certain sentences as an excerpt.

The next time you hit the "excerpt" button, and get an entire quote, take a look at the coding at the start and at the end of excerpt.  I can't write out the entire code, or you won't see it.  I'll leave out the right hand bracket.  I usually eliminate some of the prefix code.  Here is an example
[quote author=Theperfectsky    x x x x x x x x x x x x [/quote  (need to add the right hand brackets for both.

One way to deal with several paragraphs, is to copy and paste a few sets of the prefix and suffix codes, and then paste the sentence, paragraph, etc. inside the brackets.  Then delete the rest.  If you just have one sentence or paragraph to quote,  you can just delete what isn't relevant.

So when he says "youre the one who took my daughter away from me" this is a time to use SET?

He feels that you have taken his daughter away from him.  You could choose to NOT invalidate the statement by just not commenting on it.  You could, also, choose to validate his feelings. i.e.
"I understand that you feel I took you daughter away from you"

Then perhaps follow up with a SET statement:
Support: I care about both you and our daughter and I support you continuing a healthy relationship with her.

Empathy: I know you love her very much and miss her.  I can understand that it bothers you a lot to not have her living with you.

Truth:  I'm concerned that when your emotions get out of hand and/or you drink to excess, that it has a negative impact on our daughter.  It's scary.  I get scared.  
 

Idk what to say when he says he misses us.

Perhaps you could validate his feelings by just saying something like, "It has to be hard for you.  You must feel lonely"

Ive read the boundaries workshop a few times and I didny really get anything from it. It explained what boundaries were and what they were used for but I'm more of a visual person if I could see examples.  

When I get a chance, I'll do thread search and post a few links.  I believe there are several threads where people have posted about boundary examples.  Another thing to do is "Google" about boundaries.  Psychology Today and various other websites likely have some examples to check out.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey, tps. I found this workshop on boundaries that uses examples. Maybe this can give you a little more of an understanding of specific things to do that uphold boundaries. It helped me understand it better; I am a visual person too, and I like to have examples or step by step instructions for a process:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

[Theperfectsky]

Hey, tps. I found this workshop on boundaries that uses examples. Maybe this can give you a little more of an understanding of specific things to do that uphold boundaries. It helped me understand it better; I am a visual person too, and I like to have examples or step by step instructions for a process:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

That was very helpful. Thank you

[No-One]

Theperfectsky:
Boundaries can be know by other words:  Rules, Policies, Restrictions, etc.  Rules that parents enforce with their children are boundaries.  I found the website below easy to follow and learn how boundaries are used in various areas of life.  The first link is to the website.  The second link is to a PDF worksheet.  The complete article has multiple links to various PDF worksheets, that help you look at boundaries from various categories (not just relationship boundaries)

How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 10 Examples + PDF Worksheets

Here is an excerpt from the article:
Of course, professionals are not the only ones who need to practice self-care by setting healthy boundaries. People can also set boundaries with their friends. For example, a woman who has a friend drop by to visit when she is packing up her house might not let her friend stay too long so that she can get done what she needs to get done (Katherine, 2000). Similarly, that woman might politely decline the same friend’s request to help pack, if she feels it should be a personal process. This shows that healthy boundaries can help manage well-meaning demands on people’s time, not just malicious or thoughtless demands on one’s time or emotions.

Aside from platonic friendships, another setting in which healthy boundaries can be crucial is in a romantic partnership. One example would be someone asking their partner for one night each week to themselves, as opposed to seeing each other daily. Another example would be a new mother asking their partner to take on more responsibility with the child (such as bathing them, taking them to the park, and so on) so they can have some time to themselves (Barkin & Wisner, 2013).

Finally, boundaries can be important in parent-child relationships. For example, a parent might ask their child to never enter their bedroom without knocking first, in order to maintain some privacy. As for the child, they might ask their parents to never read their diary or journal, so that they can maintain some privacy of their own. While parents can choose whether or not to respect proposed boundaries (they may not respect some boundaries for safety reasons, for example), it is important to be clear about the boundaries they do intend to respect in order to build trust with their children.
LINK TO COMPLETE ARTICLE:
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

Long Worksheet/Tutorial For Boundary Setting
www.recoveryeducationnetwork.org/uploads/9/6/6/3/96633012/boundary_setting_tips__1_.pdf