Where to go from here?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi. I’m new and stumbled upon this forum while searching for help with dealing with my grandma who possiblely suffers from BPD.

I’m a 35 year old wife and mother. I have my own home and job I’m happy with my husband and children but the relationship i have with my grandmother is completely crumbling and has been for the last few years.

I am an only child - my mother (her daughter) who I also suspect suffers from BPD was very abusive towards me growing up so when i was a pre teen I went to live with my grandparents. We were very close, my grandma would say things that at the time made me feel special and important. Like “I would die without you”, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” “You’re my reason for living.” “You saved my life.” (She had cancer and credits me being born with her living through it) as you can see these statements are big and I didn’t realize at the time put a huge responsibility on my small shoulders. As I grew she would continue with the statements, when I wanted to go away to college I got “what would I do without you?” When my husband and I were thinking about moving out of state “I wouldn’t survive if you left (home state)” she made me her everything. So I planned my life in ways that made her happy. I went to the college she wanted me to go to, I picked the degree she believed I would be good at (also the degree she wanted but never got because she got married and had kids) I stayed local - thankfully my husband put a stop on buying a house in my hometown but I’m still about 30 minutes away. I was good, and when I was good (ie doing what she wanted) I was loved and accepted.

Currently her and I are no contact. A few years ago she told a my uncle something very personal that I had confided in her. my uncle then called me and my husband and screamed at us and threatened us for “making my grandmother keep a secret.” I felt betrayed by her. I felt ambushed by him. It’s going on three years since this situation happened and there has been no resolution. If anything it has gotten worse. I have tried boundaries, I have stated my feelings and what I need - she says “ok” but then does the opposite. My uncle gets her riled up and then she calls and leaves horrible voicemails (I screen her calls now) she blames all of this on me  “it’s ok for you to tell people, but not ok for me to tell people?” Or cries and plays the victim “I don’t understand why you’re not talking to me.”
I feel like I’ve turned myself Into a pretzel trying to get her to understand me. To explain to her how I have been hurt. If I say “I feel betrayed” she turns it around and says “well I feel betrayed by you.” Or she’ll say “after everything I’ve done for you. I took you in when you were 12.” It’s the guilt trips, the lack of accountability that is so frustrating.

 I know I need to accept it - that her brain prevents her from seeing logic and reason. That her reality is distorted.  But I’m frustrated and lost. And mostly sad.

This is much longer than I intended. Thanks in advance for reading - this place has helped me feel less alone and validated the feelings I have inside.

[Cleo134]

Hi. I’m new and stumbled upon this forum while searching for help with dealing with my grandma who possiblely suffers from BPD.

I’m a 35 year old wife and mother. I have my own home and job I’m happy with my husband and children but the relationship i have with my grandmother is completely crumbling and has been for the last few years.

I am an only child - my mother (her daughter) who I also suspect suffers from BPD was very abusive towards me growing up so when i was a pre teen I went to live with my grandparents. We were very close, my grandma would say things that at the time made me feel special and important. Like “I would die without you”, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” “You’re my reason for living.” “You saved my life.” (She had cancer and credits me being born with her living through it) as you can see these statements are big and I didn’t realize at the time put a huge responsibility on my small shoulders. As I grew she would continue with the statements, when I wanted to go away to college I got “what would I do without you?” When my husband and I were thinking about moving out of state “I wouldn’t survive if you left (home state)” she made me her everything. So I planned my life in ways that made her happy. I went to the college she wanted me to go to, I picked the degree she believed I would be good at (also the degree she wanted but never got because she got married and had kids) I stayed local - thankfully my husband put a stop on buying a house in my hometown but I’m still about 30 minutes away. I was good, and when I was good (ie doing what she wanted) I was loved and accepted.

Currently her and I are no contact. A few years ago she told a my uncle something very personal that I had confided in her. my uncle then called me and my husband and screamed at us and threatened us for “making my grandmother keep a secret.” I felt betrayed by her. I felt ambushed by him. It’s going on three years since this situation happened and there has been no resolution. If anything it has gotten worse. I have tried boundaries, I have stated my feelings and what I need - she says “ok” but then does the opposite. My uncle gets her riled up and then she calls and leaves horrible voicemails (I screen her calls now) she blames all of this on me  “it’s ok for you to tell people, but not ok for me to tell people?” Or cries and plays the victim “I don’t understand why you’re not talking to me.”
I feel like I’ve turned myself Into a pretzel trying to get her to understand me. To explain to her how I have been hurt. If I say “I feel betrayed” she turns it around and says “well I feel betrayed by you.” Or she’ll say “after everything I’ve done for you. I took you in when you were 12.” It’s the guilt trips, the lack of accountability that is so frustrating.

 I know I need to accept it - that her brain prevents her from seeing logic and reason. That her reality is distorted.  But I’m frustrated and lost. And mostly sad.

This is much longer than I intended. Thanks in advance for reading - this place has helped me feel less alone and validated the feelings I have inside.

[Turkish]

How long have you been no contact and do you see that being resolved? Would you judge your uncle dysfunctional too? You've dealt with a lot of guilting...

[podsnapG]

Welcome.  I’m a newbie here too and feel so lucky to have found this site. I’m also trying to view my situation in a new way in terms of BPD, but sadness and anger remain. Surely you want to focus on your husband and children, not drama with your grandma and uncle!

My BPD Sister-in-law riles up my brother, but I must be in contact with them. I’m used to being the good girl who keeps the peace and wants to please. It must be an extremely uncomfortable feeling to maintain no contact with your grandma guilting and railing at you.

My SIL does puts similar pressure on her only child. Now an adult who should be going his own way, she uses subtle pressure and I think he is staying close to home to keep her satisfied. The trips your grandma laid on you are really heavy ones. I hope you find comfort and answers here, as I have so far. Reading and rereading the articles on this site have helped.

[Cleo134]

How long have you been no contact and do you see that being resolved? Would you judge your uncle dysfunctional too? You've dealt with a lot of guilting...

We’ve been very low contact for 2 years. Id only talk with her on the phone or meet at a restaurant- I stopped going to her house after an issue with my uncle that happened.  I went no contact with her around Christmas  2018  until the day before Easter when she called and left a horrible voice mail. Prior to talking to her I found out that she and my uncle were telling extended family (that we haven’t talked to in years) about all our problems. I called her to tell her that the voicemail was inappropriate and that i heard what her and my uncle were saying about me and my husband. I told her I was done speaking to her until she got herself in therapy and was there for at least 6 months - then I’d reconsider and go from there. She reassured me she was fine and didn’t understand why I was so angry...stupidly, I said again that I felt betrayed by her and that I was hurt by her actions she turns it around and says I have betrayed her and that she is hurt by my actions. I saw it for what it was and told her that I had nothing else to say and hung up.

My uncle is very dysfunctional. He has been for as long as I can remember. The more I dive into it he fits a lot with NPD. Very irrational and manipulative. A lot of the things she has said to me are word for word things he has said to me. I have been NC with him for almost 2 years. He sent my husband and I a 6 page written  letter complete with capitals, highlighted and underlined words about 8 months ago telling us how terrible we were, if anything health wise happens to my grandma he will hold us responsible - that he’s taking out a restraining order against us to keep us from making health decisions for my grandma should she need them etc.

I’m exhausted, I want a relationship with my grandma but she pushes me having one with my uncle as well. I’ve always been the good girl, the one that keeps the peace, the one that apologizes and swallows my hurt but thanks to therapy I realized I wasn’t helping anyone (mostly myself) by living that way. Complying was killing me, I was so afraid of standing up for myself and being abandoned by my family that I started to abandon myself. I’m much stronger now and have a wonderful support system with my husband, friends, in laws and therapist but I miss my grandma. I would love to have a relationship with her based on mutual respect - but I just feel like in her eyes I’m still that 12 year old child she rescued.

[cle216]

Welcome!

I'm also 35, a wife and mother. The person in my life with BPD is my mother.

It sounds like the guilt your grandmother puts on you is intense and makes it difficult, maybe even questioning your own logic sometimes when so much emotion is involved. Unfortunately, one of the most frustrating things for me is that there isn't always much logic in my mother's behavior and trying to find it is impossible.

You mentioned needing to accept things. This resource about "radical acceptance" was shared with me by another member. It's about just observing behaviors, accepting as is. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0 It's something I've been doing in my situation, that my husband struggles with understanding. Having a name for it will help me explain it to him and makes me feel a bit more normal. Hopefully starting to explore it will be helpful to you too. We can't control our loved ones with BPD, but we can work on controlling our reactions. It's not easy!

I've also just started listening to the audiobook "Understanding the Borderline Mother". I wonder if this may also be helpful for you since it seems your grandmother took on a motherly role for you. The author breaks BPD mothers down in to four characters to help understand them better. Your grandmother sounds very much like one of the characters described and I wonder if it could be therapeutic for you to learn more about it. The book is a bit pricey on amazon, I rented it from the library for free : )

Take care of yourself!