Just wow I guess

[Longterm]

Well here we go.

Around 2 months ago as you may remember my wife came back into my life after living with another man for 18 months. She was very very convincing. She said the relationship with the other man was terrible, he was a convicted rapist, that is just shocking right? He treated her like crap and was very controlling. I was very dubious about all of this because of what I had read but I did buy into it because the kids and her family hated him with a passion, the kids also said he was very controlling.
She said she had fun with him for 2-3 weeks and then all she did was miss me and want me back. I spoke a lot about her treatment of me and the kids and this woman was literally on her knees begging my forgiveness, she had messed up and she knew it. She came to the conclusion that she is mentally ill and said she thinks she is BPD, was on the waiting list for therapy and had stopped the drugs. She told me the biggest mistake of her life was throwing me away, I'm her soul mate, I complete her, she cannot function without me and she is determined 100% that she is going to fix herself and this marriage. She told our children that she is ashamed of the way she has treated them and that her main goal in life right now is to fix her broken relationships with them, to bring this family back together.
I told her that the way forward is only possible with complete honesty, openness and a willingness to build trust. This is where things began to become unstuck, I was trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.
She did not want to talk about the past although I told her it was a necessary process and she began to get frustrated at me as I began to find lies in her stories. The remorse started to disappear and it was replaced with blame and anger. I was adamant that this process would take place and it came to a head this week. She had recklessly paid for a holiday for us all which she could not afford and if I'm honest I found my mood lowering fairly rapidly, she flat out lied to my face again on the first day and if I'm honest I could not feel comfortable around her so I left. The MIL was there so I knew the kids would be fine. I came home alone and spent a few days in bed pondering the situation, my boundaries had to stay firm and I told her that's it's not fair on me to push my wants and needs to the side just so she's happy and I was told I needed to "get on with it. After the holiday she went to her mom's where she lives and told me she needed some space because I was doing her head in and making her I'll. I know see this as her panicking that her BS was unfolding. Last night i get a message asking if she's with me because she missing, I message her with no reply and eventually she lets someone know she's safe and was having a few drinks with a friend, she has no friends. Today I messaged her to talk about things and is adamant she just wants space to be on her own, I felt like I was trying to discuss the issues and was just being pushed away so I phoned her and that was the beginning of a very emotional few hours.
She said she still loves him when she was adamant she felt nothing for him, she spent the night at His house last night. I unloaded on her and told her exactly what I thought then I phoned her mom and told her what had gone on, what a joke.
I then sat the kids down and we had a very emotional chat too, they are distraught, we were all crying, I will never forget that, it was horrible.
How can she say all that and then u-turn on it? It's truly unbelievable and heart breaking stuff. I honestly believed change was on the horizon, we all did, she built us all up and crushed our dreams.

I am speechless.

[Sandb2015]

Longterm,

I'm so sorry it came to this.

It will happen again and as much as you want to believe, next time you'll remember this time.

We want so badly to believe the words, in every realm, they mean what you hear, not with the mentally ill.  Complete reversals, absolutely crazy making.

You sound like a great father and your kids are lucky, they will be healthy people in life because of you.

[Longterm]

Thank you.

The youngest was the most upset, he was so thrilled at the prospect of his mom and dad reuniting. The poor lad just broke down and I went to console him and I broke down too, tears running down our faces, it was horrible. I composed myself and turned round and the other kids were in tears too, there was hugs all round followed by sheer disbelief.
I always try to take the positives so I just explained the current situation to them and that is that through my savings and hard work we now have a new home and can spend loads of time together. I told the youngest I will always be here for him and he will always have a bed. He is seriously angry at His mom and I've never seen him be angry at her before, he only has to say the word and I'll make it permanent. The others are older and this has just further deteriorated their relationship with their mother to the point where they sent her private messages detailing what they think of her and how distraught they are. I would normally talk them out of that kind of stuff but I could not care less right now, I told her what I thought of her too, very unlike me but whatever I guess, this was one line I threw her; all we have ever done is love you, why can we not get it back? Because that's all we have always wanted

It just sums it up really, I had a letter that she wrote me last Friday saying that I need to trust her, she understands that I am worried about her changing her mind but it's not going to happen, we are soulmates.

I am still speechless.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so sorry, LT. That has to be devastating to see the hopes of your family reunification dashed away by what seems like completely emotional and impulsive behavior.

Perhaps she thought she could just come back and things would be swept under the rug, and when she realized you actually wanted effort to work through the past issues in order to heal, she ran from it. Toxic shame trigger, maybe. Sounds like she has a thing with using external sources to try to make herself feel better, at the emotional expense of you and your kids. That's very tough.

I am sorry, I don't remember from your previous threads if you or your kids have been in therapy. Do you think this is something you would pursue for yourself and your kids? I'm sure this had a tremendous impact on all of you 

[Longterm]

Hi redeemed.

Yes, completely impulsive behaviour. I told her that this was all a process and it all needed to be worked through so we could both move forward. She just simply could not do it and I believe your right, it is shame. She avoided talking about things that had gone on like the plague. Here's me trying to work through the issues and then there's her just wanting them to go away, she even said she's ashamed. So in order to make her happy I needed to destroy my own boundaries, I simply couldn't do it and why should I? Just sail off into the sunset, no questions asked? Hell no. She must of split me in the week but I saw her yesterday and she had zero interest in talking to me, I could tell we were doing the dance. Once she realised I wasn't budging she was out. She said she messaged him last night then met up but I think that's B.S., I think there has been other communication but whatever I guess. You are also spot on with the external sources, she has not done drugs or drink for 2 months but was drinking last night, she said she never did drugs but whatever on that too, she also said she slept with him so there's another external source. And Yes, all at the expense of her family, bizarre and very tough. She is like a child, she's thrown a tantrum with devastating consequences. She said she loves us both but is staying with her mom until she gets help and sorts herself out. It's just BS, she cannot function, pay bills etc but she's going to save and get her own place? She's not capable, she will be living with him by next week because I told her divorce is coming for her. I also told her no child of mine is being in the same room as a rapist and I'll make sure of it. I think this might be a very tough time for the youngest because he said he doesn't want to spend time around him and I will protect him at all costs, this could very well be 4/4 kids rejected, dad has his back and I've let him know that.
I mean what is going through this woman's head? She simply cannot be alone and I think the little one will bare the brunt, I could be wrong but I cannot see her staying at her mom's and just whoring herself out to him weekends, she will want more. She was dropping hints about living with me but I had to protect me and the kids and I think this has added to her frustration, I did not roll over and ignore the hurt and suffering she caused.

I have been in therapy yes and am on the waiting list to go back, have been a while so should be any week now thank God. I need to cut the trauma bond because that's what enabled her return, in many ways I felt powerless but I've left as I went in, me and the kids, worse for wear yes but we still have each other. I'm still trying to convince the daughter, her mom even offered them to do joint relationship counselling, the daughter said ok but her mom did nothing about it in typical fashion. The others do counselling.

It is just madness though, complete madness. I have often sat here and thought is she really BPD or is it all in my head? Am I imagining things? To make such bold and convincing commitments to a complete u-turn really is unfathomable. Not once did she mention the kids, not Once, it was all about her and her feelings. She will cling to him now and in a few months begin to miss me again, by this time I will have professional help to guide me through it.

[nuthereggsheller]

Longterm,
I just want to let you know I'm sending you good thoughts. You do sound like a very loving dad. I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. Your children will find strength in your love, and in your demonstration of maturity and healthy boundaries in firm but positive ways. They already see the toxic behavior of their mother and will need help navigating their own feelings of anger, bitterness, maybe even hate, to understand that their mother isn't well, and they didn't do anything to deserve her behavior.  Keep being their anchor, Longterm, keep getting your own support and strength, let the words you speak to your children be filled with wisdom and  understanding, and know you'll all be in a much healthier, happier situation soon.  Keep being amazing. ;) Good thoughts coming your way this evening...

[Longterm]

I do love them Yes, I have extreme empathy for them and I really do feel their pain. The way I see it is we are all in the same boat, we all want her love but she is unable to give it, it is folly.

I did make a point to tell them that this is not their fault and there response was "it's not yours either, it's all on her". They said they will hear nobody badmouth me because they had to listen to a lot of it before and in all honesty it's already started. Before I phoned her earlier she was trying to palm me off to avoid telling me the truth by messaging and saying that there is no way forward because "i" haven't really changed. I phoned and asked what she meant and she had no reply. I understand completely what she meant, what she meant was I need to say whatever I need to say to justify me destroying my family AGAIN. The responsibility is already lacking and that was the start of the smear campaign. The fact my kids recognise this is shocking really.

She doesn't want a family, it means Jack to her and I told her. I unleashed hell with that phone call, something I have wanted to do for so long and I'll be honest, it felt good and I didn't give a crap. Many opportunities she has had the past 18mths to do right by those kids and has failed every time. They said once I went home on holiday her mood towards them changed, she didn't come back for them she came back for me and I'm convinced of that, she is a disgrace.

[once removed]

I unleashed hell with that phone call, something I have wanted to do for so long and I'll be honest, it felt good and I didn't give a crap.

what happened? what was said?

[Longterm]

Hi once removed.

When she stopped me seeing the boys for 5 months last year i felt huge amounts of anger build towards her, i felt like it never dissipated and in many ways it helped me to start to emotionally disconnect from her. Last december when she started her 3 month charming campaign i became very scared/depressed as you all know because she was beating me down. Eventually i let her back in and in many ways i repressed that anger because she was very fragile/weak/dependant on me. Then she did what she did and i just completely lost it on the phone. In many ways the anger was directed towards myself too for allowing her to hook me back in and make me feel stupid.

I went all the way back to the beginning, how she never bonded with our daughter and has resented her all her life. How she had contraceptives removed without my knowledge when i specifically told her 1 child was enough for now, how i stuck by her and she went and did it again! how it was her who wanted marriage, how the cheating went on from start to finish, how me and the kids have systematically been rejected, unloved, abused. How she has contributed nothing to the growth of our family. How her 18mth assault on my character and the treatment of her own children has been nothing short of disgusting. Many many things, but the most hurtful was that i had to go home and tell the kids all our dreams of bringing our family back together were gone after everything she had promised. I sat in a field at the local park crying like a little girl, people staring at me, once again a completely broken man, i had no f**s to give, i felt like taking my own life, not for the first time in this marriage.
Then it hit me that she had stopped crying about half an hour ago . I composed myself and told her i am done with this BS, divorce is on its way. I reminded her of how strong i am am how much i had accomplished for me and the kids since she rejected us and how im going to make it my lifes work to protect them from her, enough is enough. She said "can we be friends?" I told her to go f*k herself.

She doesnt care, she doesnt love me, our kids or anybody for that matter for she is incapable. It is and will always be about her.

She has left us all alone so far, probably due to the lovebombing of the rapist she went back too, he will be god right now whilst im further devalued to her family. I dont care, the kids know the truth and thats all that matters. Im surprised of how i currently feel compared to last time. I have felt low yes but i was honestly going downhill around her, its like i absorb her emotions and i feel like im dying inside, i was stuttering around her and felt great unease, i was slipping into depression and was waiting for the other shoe to drop, the kids told me they were worried about me. I feel relief and am happy to not have her near me, i yearn for her yes but its manageable right now. I have not cleaned/washed the home all week due to shock i guess, the kids had a word today, my son said "dad, you know when you always say we need to look after ourselves and everything else will follow?" Yes i said "well you also say we teach best what we need to know" , we all pulled together and had a good clean, did some shopping and had us a nice meal. You know what? We'll be ok, we are better than this.

I have 2 months minimum i feel to build up my defences, she will be drinking/drugs by now and it wont take long for that relationship to deteriorate to the point of discard, am i right in thinking that? Im going off my own treatment. I have changed mobile number/email address and told the kids to not mention any communication to me, they are more than willing to cooperate. Ive also told the youngest he is banned from mentioning his mom unless i really need to know, any more suggestions? I said straight away that she will be back and so did the kids, i think this because when you look at it, i fell for it didnt i, my boundaries forced the discard but it was still easy for her to manipulate me.

[once removed]

my boundaries forced the discard

Longterm, i think what happened, and what is happening, may be more complicated than this.

She said she had fun with him for 2-3 weeks and then all she did was miss me and want me back.
I spoke a lot about her treatment of me and the kids and this woman was literally on her knees begging my forgiveness, she had messed up and she knew it.

your wife is, by nature, not an emotionally strong person. what she did, in leaving, was likely impulsive, it was risky, i think we can reasonably call it stupid, and more than likely she felt a lot of shame in her actions. it sounds like it fizzled out fast, as such things often do.

likewise, her wanting to return to the marriage was probably not especially well thought through. i suspect she was sincere, but the amount of work it would take to heal from that damage would be monumental...not easy on either of you.

Today I messaged her to talk about things and is adamant she just wants space to be on her own, I felt like I was trying to discuss the issues and was just being pushed away

what she probably wanted was a soft landing. an easy way back into the marriage.

She did not want to talk about the past although I told her it was a necessary process and she began to get frustrated at me as I began to find lies in her stories. The remorse started to disappear and it was replaced with blame and anger. I was adamant that this process would take place and it came to a head this week

you more or less, (repeatedly) confronted her with what she did, with your hurt, with the kids hurt, and essentially laid down the law. that approach has a very low success rate, she clearly wasnt ready for it, and she balked.

I unloaded on her
...
the kids know the truth

since then, in your (understandable) hurt and anger, youve lashed out, and are burning the bridge.

is that truly what you want?

[Longterm]

Hi again.

I like how you have picked that apart, one of the reasons i seek advice here.
Yes, she wanted a soft landing, she wanted me to just sweep it all under the rug. Without discussing and working through the things that have gone on there is simply no way for the marriage to survive, it would cause huge resentment that would just fester. She initially agreed to this and was in her words 100% commited no matter how long it took. I spent almost 20yrs keeping my mouth shut and ignoring my own thoughts and feelings to keep the peace and try to maintain her happiness, this cost me dearly. I told her its going 1 of 2 ways, honesty, openess and commitment or divorce and i also told her the choice is hers and there is the opportunity she claimed she had wanted for so long. She had lied the first time i spoke to her and it got to the point where i felt like talking to her was a fruitless exercise, it just unravelled. A marriage cant be fixed by 1 person, she needed to be on board and she was simply incapable.

In all honesty i dont think it was what i wanted but what is there to work with here? I told her i would not accept anymore damage to the marriage, i uncovered so many lies, she hadnt even booked counselling initially yet said it was, i mean my god, so many really small lies too, it just rolls off her tongue. I asked her many things that i already knew the answer to and im sitting there looking at her thinking that i cant even tell shes lying, it was so natural when there was once upon a time that she was physically unable to lie to me, did she attempt suicide or use that to gain sympathy to reel me in because that was the big thing, i melted when she said it. Has this just been a huge game to get me to accomodate her? And when i didnt roll over she turned? I have many theories going through my head but i have to look at whats in front of me and that is, when the hard work was needed she once again cheated, cheated again.

[Longterm]

So i was watching a few videos last night about the things a BPD will say to charm you and my god she has said all of those things, it all just makes perfect sense. She didnt come back to fix the issues or because of "love". She came back because she wanted something, things were going downhill for her and i had decided to push forward with the divorce and was in the process of moving. She said a few weeks ago "if you need some help with the kids i dont mind moving in , just saying". Instinct, survival, i have always been her safety net and the go to person. The biggest thing that bothered me was the fact that in 18mths there was no solid attempt to come back, she did try to get my attention i feel and many times i felt she tried to get a reaction out of me but there was never anything more than that such as "can we talk". I mean we are talking about a woman who acts shamelessly, i believe she was talking to him for at least 3 weeks while she was playing happy families with me yet made no solid contact with me but claims she wanted to so badly. She acts on impulse and if she really wanted to talk to me then nothing would of stopped her, not even herself. My property, thats all she was after.
We have all suffered and i believed she was suffering too, i honestly felt sorry for her and thought she had dug herself a hole. What if she actually just didnt care and came back because she knew she could easily manipulate me? What if she knew exactly what to say? And used my emotions and love i have for her against me. This site is very empathetic towards BPDs and i get the need for compassion but what if what i just wrote is exactly what happened? Scary stuff.

My son said that he knew she couldnt keep it up and i asked him what he meant. He said the person she is around me is very different from who she has been for 18mths, i asked him to elaborate and he said its difficult to explain but he did try and basically said she mimics me, she uses my words and phrases, she copies my body language and she acts. The anger i had known for nearly 20yrs was pretty non existent but came back when i was not around. She acted like she was ill all the time too, IBS etc maybe to gain sympathy at a time when she should of been showing sympathy to those around her. When we did have discussions she was very quick to turn on the water works. At least 2 times she tried to cause an argument between me and the kids, very covert, literally whispering in my ear. They were very wary around her and i see why. She messaged them afterwards saying sorry for hurting them, they got the same sentence, she literally copied and pasted it. They sent her a long message each and she has yet to reply to them. No explanation, nothing. She has not made any plans for future contact with them. I did this in my call to her regarding the little one so there was no need for further discussions. All this time she was round his house, its like she sent the messages, did not want to explain and did not want to talk to them. She will be concentrating 100% on lovebombing him and manipulating him into moving back into his house now. She will probably be telling him i pursued her and it was all a mistake, im a horrible nasty person who manipulated her . Its madness but thats who she is. Regardless of what i think about him she is abusing him too and he doesnt even know it, we are mere pawns and she is the gamesmaster.

I must officially end my connection to this woman. I always believed she had dug a hole but i have to face facts, if she genuinely wanted to fix things then she would of done, BPD or not. What can she possibly say next time that would convince me to believe her, absolutely nothing. It hurts yes but its better than being abused. I have come a long way and i need to carry on, it will get easier. I will now put all my efforts into the divorce proceedings, i wont need to discuss any of this with her so will refuse any contact she attempts. She only has to sign and hopefully she will with little problems.

[Longterm]

Longterm, i think what happened, and what is happening, may be more complicated than this.


Can you elaborate on this once removed? Thanks.

[once removed]

So i was watching a few videos last night about the things a BPD will say to charm you

be careful with the BPD internet videos, Longterm...theres a lot of junk psychology on the internet.

small children all say the same things when they want an extra cookie, or a puppy, or to stay home from school, or to have a friend sleep over...and if it doesnt work, they ask the other parent. BPD is a disorder of emotions that effects millions to varying degrees...its not a list of things people living with it say or do, any more than being a child is.

What if she actually just didnt care and came back because she knew she could easily manipulate me? What if she knew exactly what to say? And used my emotions and love i have for her against me.

i dont want to belabor the point, but BPD is a coping deficit, a relationship skills deficit...not a set of enhanced abilities. shes emotionally weak, and highly impulsive.

i have always been her safety net and the go to person.

of course you have. youre her husband. youre her family.

Longterm, i think what happened, and what is happening, may be more complicated than this.


Can you elaborate on this once removed? Thanks.

when i said that her return was probably not well thought through, and that she needed a soft landing, that is what i meant. confronting her repeatedly with expectations of apologies and remorse isnt boundaries Longterm, its pushiness. and she couldnt hack it. none of that is to say that she didnt wrong you and her children, in enormous ways.

i dont know if youre a religious man, but have you heard the story of the prodigal son?

In the story, a father has two sons, a younger and an older. The younger son asks the father for his inheritance, and the father grants his son's request. However, the younger son is prodigal (i.e., wasteful and extravagant) and squanders his fortune, eventually becoming destitute. The younger son is forced to return home empty-handed and intends to beg his father to accept him back as a servant. To the son's surprise, he is not scorned by his father but is welcomed back with celebration and fanfare. Envious, the older son refuses to participate in the festivities. The father tells the older son 'you are ever with me, and all that I have is yours, but thy younger brother was lost and now he is found.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_Prodigal_Son

my point in sharing that is not that you were supposed to simply welcome her back with celebration and fanfare. there was a lot of hurt and destruction as a result of what she did that would need to be healed if you are ever to be a family. the son was returning to his safety net. if the father in the story had confronted the younger son with how he was hurt, how the younger son needed to make it up to him, and pressed him on it, the younger son would have high tailed it back to sleep with the pigs because that would be the emotionally easier thing to do.

Without discussing and working through the things that have gone on there is simply no way for the marriage to survive, it would cause huge resentment that would just fester.

i think youre right about that. i think that the two of you would probably need outside, professional help. it remains to be seen whether or not she can ever fully take ownership of what shes done. but she cant heal your wounds (anymore than you can heal hers), and i dont think healing can take place on either your terms, or hers. you both have your limits...and i mean that in a variety of ways. you have to work within both of your limits.

In all honesty i dont think it was what i wanted but what is there to work with here?

i say this gently, but if it is not reconcilable, the solution is not sabotaging things with her, or bringing the kids to your side of the conflict. the wounds are deep for all of you, and you need each other, but this is going to effect them in profound ways down the road (it already is), and it could complicate things for them significantly if they are pitted against either one of you.

whatever you do here, its important to have realistic expectations (work within both of your limits). it may be repairable. it may not be. but i think whether you choose to divorce, or hold out to save the relationship, its going to require a very different approach.

are either you or the kids in therapy? it would be of enormous benefit.

[Longterm]

Hi again.

I hear you on the prodigal son story. That is in essence what i did and that is exactly how she reacted. I upset her so she sought revenge. It was the lies, i could not deal with the deception, why could she not simply tell me the truth? She told me that moving forward we both need to be open and honest and then in the next sentence she lied, that was the first conversation we had. After that she just carried it on. I felt like i needed to simply lie down in order to ultimately save the marriage/family and i just could not allow myself to be treated like that, its not right or fair.


I dont think she will ever be able to take ownership for the things she has done, it must cause a massive amount of shame and guilt, and your right, it could never work on either of our terms. I want answers, honesty, compassion and empathy along with IC and MC, growth, improvements and awareness. She wants to just forget about it and move in with me. It just feels like a hopeless situation.

I see your point in regards to sabotaging things, i am angry, hurt and upset, it has been a very draining and horrible 20mths and i feel like it needed to be said. The kids gravitated towards me due to their treatment from her, i do not need to bring them to my side, they are extremely upset at her but they have been for sometime apart from the youngest but he is angry now too. I feel like we are all in this together, maybe it is us against her, i can see and respect your point i really can but i did not do that, she did, and i have no sympathy in regards to it either, she has had countless opportunities to do right by them and failed, she tried to alienate and delete me from their lives, i feel honoured and privaleged to be here for them, the thought of losing them was and is one of my biggest fears.
I know they are affected and i understand they will be in the future too, that is very upsetting for me to say and thats a big worry for me. They will always have a difficult relationship with their mother regardless of who her partner is.

Right now im continuing my plans to divorce. I think you are trying to make the point that i do not have the skills needed to save this marriage? If you are, i completely agree, this is so far out of my skill set its unreal, i simply feel like i do not know what im doing and what/what not to do for the best, it is and continues to be a huge mess.

Scroll up in regards to therapy.

Thanks for your replies, very thought provoking and insightful.

[Longterm]

I decided to write a bit more.

She told me that she acts on impulse and it needed to stop because what she did last time had a huge effect, she said she felt like she couldnt get out of it and felt trapped. I suggested that maybe she could stop these impulses by giving herself a few days or even weeks to think about the impulse before actively giving into it. She agreed and i remember saying that to her on the phone, she just started crying and said "i know". Its just huge frustration because the things she does has such a profound effect on those around her. Shes gone on a weekend break with him today and just appears to not give a sh1t, we are all still dusting ourselves off. It is utter madness and nonsensical. Its not like we even talked that much, she simply was not interested in discussions whilst i felt i was very flexible. I even told her i wanted her to tell me the issues that she had with me so i could better understand how she came to hate me and work on these issues, she told me i did absolutely nothing wrong and i was the best thing that ever happened to her, then she told me last week that "i" hadnt really changed? Its all bizarre and really difficult to process and get my head around. Im struggling with it if im honest and i think it will take me several months to "normalize", its like shes come back, mangled my head, cheated and gone again.

[once removed]

I think you are trying to make the point that i do not have the skills needed to save this marriage?

not exactly. all the skills in the world arent a guarantee to make a (any) relationship work. im trying to help break down what happened and is happening...its important, whether youre detaching, or trying to improve the relationship.

I see your point in regards to sabotaging things, i am angry, hurt and upset, it has been a very draining and horrible 20mths and i feel like it needed to be said.

whats done is done. but a lot can be done differently going forward. it will matter to you, even years from now.

I feel like we are all in this together, maybe it is us against her

be there for them with every fiber of your being. listen to them, comfort them, validate and empathize with their feelings. i would strongly discourage you from venting about her to them (do those things here, with a therapist, with friends or family), or taking any part in pitting them against her. for one, it could have adverse effects on your relationship with them later on. two, if you enter into divorce proceedings, it may well come out, and a family court will frown upon it.

[Longterm]

I honestly do not know, she was so sincere, it was breathtaking to hear. I said right from the start that there was something very wrong with her behaviour, even before she did this. I kept it to myself and only really shared it here, i feel like i found my answers and as a result i always felt sorry for her and always believed she had acted on impulse. When she came back she was so frank and honest (i thought) she said she believes she is BPD, has realised that it cost her everything and all she has ever wanted was to come back and fix things. I never in a million years thought i would hear those words, i thought she would live the rest of her life in ignorance of her issues. She said when she heard i was going ahead with the divorce things changed and thats why she came back, she said its not something she wants. She said she cannot live without me, i am her husband, her best friend, her life.

I feel like i just fell for it all, that it was all just fake. I honestly believed her, i said i cant work with denial but i can work with her coming to understand there is something wrong. She said she was 100% sure, i asked many times.

I am just lost on it, i do not know what to say or do for the best.

[once removed]

i suspect she was very sincere. that is different than having the willingness or ability to follow through. BPD (traits or clinical BPD) is a skills deficit.

i do think you may be underestimating the fact that for an impulsive person, acting on impulse is a way of life. there are not simple fixes. its not just a deeply embedded habit, its a personality trait; a significant part of who she is.

She said when she heard i was going ahead with the divorce things changed and thats why she came back, she said its not something she wants.

keep this in mind. dont push for divorce to punish her, engage with her, or to bring her back.

I am just lost on it, i do not know what to say or do for the best.

sometimes the best thing to do is to wait, and do nothing but get your bearings.

we make our best decisions from a place of Wisemind: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

i would first and foremost work to get there.

[Longterm]

Deep down i think i believe she was being sincere too.

Her impulsiveness is very destructive and i do understand its not at all easy to control it, i thought her acknowledgement of its presence would somehow prevent it for the time being, i was wrong. I told her i expected hiccups along the way but i would not tolerate more damage to the marriage.

The initial threat of divorce was not for any of the reasons you stated, nor is it this time. It is for ME, i have been to hell and suffered so much for the crime of loving this woman, it hurts to love her and it shouldnt hurt. The very fibre of my being yearns for it to be reciprocated but she is unable to give it. I do not see a way forward, lets say she gets in touch tomorrow and says sorry, the bf is history again and im 100% commited to fixing this, what then? Would i trust her? Would i be less hesitant than last time? I would be thinking to myself, here we go again. I think if i was dealing with somebody with a higher emotional maturity level it would be much easier to communicate, express needs and work through the issues but im not dealing with that am i. In my honest opinion she is probably more dysfunctional right now than she has ever been over the course of our 20yrs together, this really kicked off around 4yrs ago and has progressively snowballed and is currently out of control, i can see this clearly. I have enabled her for the entirety of our relationship and i recognise this but this is not my fault, i did not cause her personality traits and i cannot change them. I have thought about her at most 100% of my waking moments for nearly 2 years straight, i am mentally exhausted, i have been on antidepressants, i had a period of 5 months where i did not see the boys, i have questioned my own thought processes and thought i myself was personality disordered, my character has been assassinated, my brother commited suicide 2 months ago, i could go on and on and on. I am not living, im just plodding along and im sick of it.
I have come far and me and the kids have a home where we can all be together, how i did that i will never know, i was living on £10 a week, i sh1t you not to raise the thousands i needed. I feel i have become stagnant and as much as i dont want to admit it, this recent episode will be having an effect on me for quite a few months. What got me feeling better before was moving forward, not stagnating, the divorce will be something that i feel will help me to do this along with going back to therapy and my continuation of being there for the kids.

She will return, i am convinced of that. If what she said is the truth the papers will likely trigger her, it wont be for a good few months. Her honeymoon will be over by then but hopefully i should be in counselling and im hoping it will give me the edge with my emotions to reject any attempt at talking.

I just cannot keep going on like this, its boring and its draining.