Mom Gone - I'm Struggling

[ShayShay]

It's been years since I've logged on.  This site used to be my lifeline - literally.  My BPD mom passed in 2017 after a long, long illness.  I was her sole caretaker until she needed a facility.  As the only child of that single parent, I now find myself struggling to LIVE in ways that I never imagined.

I remember praying (as a preteen and beyond) to feel free of her, praying for the freedom to DO and and experience joy without the weight of her predictable unpredictability, her rages, and unrelenting misery. 

My problem today:  I spend large portions of my life sleeping.  I work a lot.  I have a good career, but my own battles with depression is sinking my soul beyond words.  My bed is where I escape the world and my sadness.  I can sleep for hours and then go back to sleep for more.   

I have struggled for most of my adult life to get past the pain of having family members (with various strains of difficult mental illnesses) and needing to cut ties.  I do not have children and divorced the man, whom I shortly after the fallout (ex is an ASPD)  realized I fully fell prey to his charms due to my upbringing with a BPD parent.

Grateful to not have children/ties to the ex, I am desperate to not feel this way any more.  I am not suicidal.  I know everything I SHOULD and could be doing to help myself.  I try.  I look forward to NOTHING.  No one who knows me would ever guess I feel this way.  I am professional and well-put together.  I've had years of therapy, take an antidepressant, and regularly see my doctor.  I socialize with friends when I feel up to it.  Shower and show up to work.  I could get to the gym more, but try to just give myself credit when I do. 

I'm desperate to feel like this life has purpose.  I can't say that I don't know how this has happened to me, or when this all started.  I have all the answers now.  I just need a way OUT.  I need to LIVE.  I used to beg my mother to get out and live, and now I'm the one who can't. 

Soo lost.  Soo sad.  Any and all comments will be read through these tears and appreciated.

[Harri]

Hi.   

Having a parent die is very hard and having one with a mental illness die is even more complicated.  Both of my parents died over 10 years ago and I can say that their death did not help anything, not for me.  It was weird.  My mom was so big when she was alive and I worked hard while she was still alive to try to detach emotionally.  It helped some but it was still hard.

Do you feel an emptiness where your mom used to be?  I can't really find the words to ask my question here.   Do you think you are still tied to her emotionally?  I ask because a lot of us still are in many ways.  I know I am but it is getting better.

I am glad you came back to us here.  I get that feeling of life having no purpose or at least I think I do.  For the longest time I believed things happened in my life as spiritual lessons and that kept me going, even had me waking up in the morning with excitement.  Then it all changed and I no longer had that belief to carry me through.  I think it was about 2 years before I started to finally feel better and find purpose again.  I can't say I am all the way back yet, but I am better.  The thing that helped me the most was connecting to people here.  Sounds crazy I know but that is what did it for me.

Sometimes connecting with something bigger than we are can help.  For me, due to disabilities, I am limited but this place works.  I don't know if you would want to volunteer?  I used to think about teaching adults to read through my local library.  Never did it though.  I did set up a hotline that keeps all of us n my condo building connected in case of an emergency. 

Anything, bigger than you that you can think of to do?

[ShayShay]

Thanks much for your reply and suggestions.  I volunteered regularly in my 20s and loved every bit of it.  My career is in education, and although most would find that fact extraordinarily noble, I try to hold on to my time with the students - as the politics and other nonsense is deeply disappointing.

I work a lot - beyond my career.  I have plenty of opportunity to enjoy my freedom (inexpensively), yet just refrain.

As for your question about my connection/emotionally to my mother - yes.  I was deeply enmeshed with her and am extremely grateful I left home and set boundaries at a very young age.  Because she had only me and vice versa, it was not possible to disconnect entirely.  If I hadn't left home early and sought my own independence, I can't imagine how much worse this time period (nearly 2 years post her death) would be.  I will always miss the 'idea' of a mother that never existed.  I remember spending many of my years very angry.  All of it was rooted in not understanding what I had grown up with and internally yearning for an emotional connection that would never be.  Like most of us, once the BPD reality became clear - emotions shifted, unique perspective and understanding filtered in.  Her physical illnesses also ironically softened some (only some) of her tendencies - so that was a whole other mind trip.

I wonder if I'm going through some kind of withdrawal of sorts or rebirthing - where now I am challenged in my 40s to parent myself and figure out what I want from this life.  The problem is, I have no idea what I want or IF I want any part of it - bigger than me or not.

I am definitely grateful I have come back.  There is healing in writing.  I journal with paper and also on my computer, but this site and the common ground is something extraordinary for sure. 

Thank you for sharing about your parents.

[JNChell]

Hey there, ShayShay.  if I’m understanding you correctly, you’re recognizing feelings that were instilled in you during your childhood. I get it and I’m currently working through similar issues. You mention spending a lot of time in bed. That’s understandable. Do you think that maybe that’s a way of blocking things out? I blocked my issues out for decades without really knowing that I was. It all eventually surfaced and blew up in my face. Long story.

You’re obviously feeling concerned. That’s why you came back here. Good decision,  BTW.  .

I understand that feeling that you describe. A void, maybe? Lack of closure? I’m also interested in what you brought up about re-parenting ourselves. That’s hard to talk about and would likely be shunned, for lack of better words, by our peers. The truth is, this is a very important part of healing. Learning to love ourselves. I think you’re onto something here. What do you wish your mother would’ve done for you?

[No-One]

Hi ShayShay:
Welcome back!  I'm sorry you are having a hard time & sorry about the loss of your mom.  Both my parents passed a couple of years ago and I had to go NC with my sister. I can't know exactly what you are going through, but I have some idea about losing family.

Do you have a dog?  If you don't, they can be good company and prompt you to go for walks.

One thing to consider is that you could be having some hormonal fluctuations and that could affect your moods/energy.  Might be something you are already addressing, but thought I'd mention it.

Just wanted to pop in and say hi.  Hang in there.

[GaGrl]

One thing I hear is that you are grieving on two levels -- the loss of your mother as she actually was in your life, and the loss now of ever having the kind of mother you needed and wanted.

What is your therapy situation right now?

[JNChell]

Hey, ShayShay. How are you? Let us know when you can.